I don't even know what to do about this

[Braneycat]

Posting here for traffic

Please be gentle, I literally can't handle strong criticism right now. It's a bit long so sorry in advance.

My partners dad died suddenly last week and he's absolutely devastated. His dad was his best friend.

I'm genuinely trying my best to be there for him but I'm just not good with emotions at all, I'm letting him talk about it and cry and take whatever time he needs and I really thought I was doing well. I tend to busy myself with practical things, so I've been doing some work stuff for him and helping our children through it all while he spends time with his siblings and arranging the funeral.

At the same time, our boiler packed up and me and the kids moved into a hotel, with him joining us when he wanted to.

Two nights ago he decided to stay home and got drunk. I never think drinking while in pain is a good thing but I didn't say anything, just encouraged him to invite a friend over so he's not drinking alone.

His best friend is a woman and I have never ever thought there was something going on between them. I love her, she's amazing with my kids and she understands my partner in a way I don't (our interests are very different and it's something they have in common).

I have a horrible feeling he cheated this night.

I understand grief makes you do strange things, and I also know that right now is not the time to confront him about it. I'm grieving myself (his dad was like a second dad to me) and I could just be overly sensitive.

When I was sorting out some of his work stuff for him I needed to access his emails. He knew this and gave me permission to do so.

I also checked his search history. He has a history of depression and only got out of a bout of it around a month ago, when he started on antidepressants. I just wanted an insight into where his mind is at the moment as he's prone to suicidal ideation, so I just wanted a heads up if he was making those sorts of searches.

Instead I found searches like 'movies to turn her on' 'sexy movies for couples'.

Bare in mind, I was stuck at a hotel with the kids and he had invited her over. So whether or not something actually happened, this is where his mind was.

The next day he cleaned our sheets which is extremely unusual. If it weren't for me he would happily change the sheets once a year (an exaggeration perhaps but just an indication of how little he remembers to do these things).
He has also been really off with me. One word texts, no affection at all. Alot of 'reevaluating my life' sort of comments. He's said outright he's not interested in any conversations I bring up, and has made insinuations about my weight and how 'unfun' I've become.

This is so out of character. He has always found me attractive regardless of how much weight I've gained/lost over the years, and we've both been very accepting of how different our personalities are. In a way its what has made us last so long.

I don't want to bring up my worries right now as, above anything else, his friend clearly is giving him what he needs in terms of emotional support. I still find it hard to believe anything actually happened. I haven't resorted to looking through his phone yet as frankly, I'm afraid of what I'll find and I don't want to invade his privacy right now.

How do I live with this until such a time it becomes more acceptable to raise it? Am I being insane?

So sorry OP.

I don't know why you moved to a hotel. Still nothing gives him the excuse to cheat. This close friend that understands me is often a red flag and an affair or fling is fairly common.

How awful, I'm so sorry. Please look after yourself

oh no im so sorry.

that is unforgivable from both of them from me. There would be no coming back from this no matter if hes grieving or not. that is just an excuse.
been there, with the excuses and bullshit. im really sorry

This is awful :( Normally, I'd say he was most to blame for cheating being married and all, but how predatory is it for his friend to come round while he was grieving and sleep with him? Mind you, he has behaved appallingly and grieving is no excuse. The comments about your weight are just so shit.

I do agree grief does strange things but I’d struggle to get past what looks like an element of pre planning. I really feel for you OP.

Her behaviour would be called predatory if she were a man sleeping with a woman who had just lost her dad and was vulnerable. It is, and should be called that in my view.

Whether you feel he was vulnerable and taken advantage of, or the planning makes him equally culpable only you know. It’s really hard and awful for you whatever you believe though

I had a very similar situation with DH a few years ago
His brother died suddenly and in horrific circumstances, and he just totally lost the plot

It didn’t happen as quickly as it appears to have done for you, but he cheated. And with a woman who was ‘there for him’ and ‘understood his grief’ but was also a fucking manipulative bitch who was in his ear telling him I was being cruel suggesting he didn’t drink, and by suggesting he went to a grief counsellor, I was washing my hands of him.

Long story short, I caught them pretty quickly, we had a massive explosion but we are working through it with a lot of professional help.

In fact, it was my own counsellor who introduced the idea of the grief causing an out of character reaction that made me give him another try.

But, the grief can NOT be used as a trump card, get out of jail whatever.

You don’t get a free pass to be a total arsehole because someone died, so he needs to get a grip on that straight away.

I am really sorry, OP.

I was more worried about his language towards you and being fun, or your size. That was plain unkind and unloving, but grief does make people behave in odd ways.

Whatever you decide needs to make you feel good - this is not about what he wants anymore. If you do stay, you will have a lot of things to consider.

Honestly, because of the grief I could possibly forgive the off behaviour - as long as it had been a one off, and if he realised he had made a massive error in judgement due to grief.

Without the above I would be asking him to move and be with his friend.

Oh OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. While I agree with PP that grief can make a person do really uncharacteristic things, and my brother and I had some awful arguments after our Dad died which I feel incredibly ashamed of in retrospect, the combination of a) the premeditation b) the possibility that it has happened before (those google searches made it sound to me like he was pretty sure something would happen...) c) the fact that you were grieving too and yet he picked this moment to do the most hurtful thing possible...

I'm sorry, I couldn't forgive him either. I hope you have someone (a parent of your own or close friend) to see and get strength from right now. I imagine you are trying to keep life as normal as possible for the children while knowing it is anything but, which must be unthinkably hard, so keep posting here if it is helpful.

A final thought - when my Dad died, I would've absolutely hated to be apart from DH. Even if DH couldn't say anything particularly helpful, just to be able to hug him, lie next to him at night when I couldn't sleep... He also did a lot of the practical stuff (as you have been) and I felt so extraordinarily grateful for that. The fact that your DH doesn't is just deeply depressing to me.

I'm afraid I think it's highly unlikely this is the first time. I don't think a long term friend knowing about his fragile state would have allowed it to happen if it wasn't already a thing. (To protect her own sanity, let alone his). His "re-evaluation means he might have changed his attitude to keeping it secret and being outwardly decent to you, but this has been going on for ages, no matter what he tells you

Make sure you put yourself first.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. This hit me like a sucker punch reading your update, I can't imagine how you are feeling. I do agree with a PP that it may not have been the first time, that or the woman was a manipulative bitch for letting this happen at a time like this. His searches in the computer suggest it was premeditated in his part though.
Don't forgive him for the timing OP, it's inexcusable what he has done. Stay strong and do what's right for you and your dc

I'd detach myself from his grief, let him wallow in self pity on his own, stuff his clothes into a bag and drop them off at her door, we all suffer loss at sometime in our lives, it isn't an excuse to betray his wife and children just because he's a self indulgent pathetic baby.

Are you back living in the house OP? If so perhaps he could move back in with his family whilst all the funeral arrangements etc are going on (might stop him falling onto other people's genitals too) and then after that you can decide what to do.

Grief is no excuse, even if you might need to set aside what's happened just whilst the arrangements are made.

So sorry to read this. Awful. Take your time - don't make rushed decisions because you need to make and dcs sure you are in the best situation possible a year down the line. There will be lots of ways forward but for now you need to breathe. Find support from your friends and family and try to put your needs at the centre of things. He has behaved appallingly. You have not.

Sorry, should have said... you need to make sure you and your dcs are in the best possible situation a year down the line.

Really sorry to hear this OP.

Just for when he tries to use his bereavement as an excuse...

We are all going to lose/have lost our parents. Most people don't set up a sex-fest on the back of it.

Awful behaviour.

I'm so sorry that your husband has behaved like this. The cruel and disrespectful comments and the premeditated infidelity - appalling. I don't care how upset he was, no one needs to belittle their wife or cheat on her. I realise you're only at the beginning of dealing with this situation. I wish you well with it and hope you find peace once you've dealt with this excuse for a man.

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear that

Might be harsh but if this was me, I’d bag up his shit and dump them off at his mum’s. Tell her what her son is and then start proceedings to split.

Grief is one thing. Might make you snappy, etc. But to fucking plan to cheat? Nah. No get of jail card. You want to act like a piece of shit, get treated like one. He can now wallow and grieve the death of his father and the death of his relationship. Selfish bastard.

Also, she’s clearly a tramp. No good friend would allow someone in a relationship, never mind someone in grief to come onto them. She’s clearly been waiting for the opportunity and she took it. Sly little cow.

I hope you’re doing okay, what an awful thing to happen. Truly dreadful.

@Twoobles

Might be harsh but if this was me, I’d bag up his shit and dump them off at his mum’s. Tell her what her son is and then start proceedings to split.

Grief is one thing. Might make you snappy, etc. But to fucking plan to cheat? Nah. No get of jail card. You want to act like a piece of shit, get treated like one. He can now wallow and grieve the death of his father and the death of his relationship. Selfish bastard.

Also, she’s clearly a tramp. No good friend would allow someone in a relationship, never mind someone in grief to come onto them. She’s clearly been waiting for the opportunity and she took it. Sly little cow.

I hope you’re doing okay, what an awful thing to happen. Truly dreadful.

Lovely, make it his mother's problem, while she's newly grieving her husband.

@Soothes it’s on her son, not OP. Why should she have to stay in a house with him when he planned to cheat on her and did it? If he cared about his poor mum he wouldn’t have been looking up sexy movies to get his trashy “friend” in the mood. He would have, you know, been with his mum helping her with her grief.

Blame the son for his atrocious behaviour and the fall out it causes. I wouldn’t be hiding anything to protect him. He made is bed and he can lie in it.

Yes, it’s not nice on his mum at all, but I do not agree with covering for people when they act in such a disgusting manner. He didn’t think about his mum, his partner or their children when he was with the other woman, was he? He is owed nothing.

Making him own his behaviour doesn't mean dumping everything on his mum though. They were able to move the family to a hotel when the heating broke, so they have options.

I am so sorry to read this OP

And OP, don't let him tell you that you're not allowed to say anything to him because he's just lost his father and he's grieving. I suspect he might.

So sorry about this op. I don’t even know what to say about her to be honest, of course he’s the one in the relationship, but what’s her excuse???? Just wow. Feel truly awful for you x