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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a 'hen do'?

87 replies

Pedalpushers · 06/04/2021 15:00

I'm getting married next year. I have two bridesmaids, both are sort of 'maid of honour' as basically I have two best friends. I'm also maid of honour for one of their upcoming weddings and planning their hen do.

I hate hen dos. I think they are a nuisance and planning this one has only confirmed. I hate cottages and hot tubs, I hate twee 'party games' and quizzes and 'memories', I hate cocktail making and crafting and butlers in the buff or whatever. I hate surprises.

I do want to invite my friends out for a meal and some drinks but I'm worried I'm going to really upset my friend. She is a classic 'hostess' type who will want to organise a big do, as much for her as anything else. It's possibly relevant that this friend isn't part of any of my other groups and if I'm honest, my other friends don't really like her.

I want to just tell them I don't want one and then organise my own dinner. Am I being a misery? Should I suck it up so my bridesmaids get to have their fun? Also, how do I explain this to her without it sounding like a criticism of her, especially as a lot of the reason I feel this way is because organising her own hen do has made me so miserable? It won't be until next year so I can't even blame Covid.

OP posts:
Himawarigirl · 06/04/2021 15:11

I didn’t want one, my best friend and maid of honour, who lives to organise, was fine with it, as she wouldn’t want me to be uncomfortable. Not exactly sure why I didn’t want one as I know that my friend would have done a nice one without silly games etc. But I just didn’t fancy it.

sakuramiyagi · 06/04/2021 15:13

I hate hen-do's as well so I didn't have one either. Ultimately it's your wedding and if you don't want a hen-do, don't do it. Why waste money and time organising something that will just result in you being miserable.

swashbucklecheer · 06/04/2021 15:16

I hate all that hen do 'fun and games'. When I got married we did an outdoor activity in the afternoon then went for a beautiful meal in the evening. None of the cringeworthy shite that would have made me feel so uncomfortable. But I was clear from the start what I wanted or didn't want.

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 06/04/2021 15:18

God I do sympathise, I feel exactly the same. Getting married later in life, so not having hen at all, very minimal wedding, etc - because I am old I can be firm and just say because it’s ‘my and DP’s wedding and that’s what we want’.
If your friend is upset she can’t plan a do, then you may have to pull up the big girl pants!

Say gently you are very happy to organise what she wants for her hen, because you want her to have what she wants and will really enjoy. You hope she has a great time, you’ve done your best to make it her night, and you want her to have a fabulous wedding.
So, you say, you know she’ll want you to have what YOU want and that’s a dinner. And you hope she’ll understand that that is what will make you happy. Because you want her to be happy, and you know she wants you to be happy, because you’re friends and MoHs and that’s what you do.

If she goes against that then you can get legitimately get pissed off. If you’ve worked out that her do isn’t about you, then she can work out that your wedding isn’t about her.

Ivy455 · 06/04/2021 15:19

YANBU. I hate them too, they're so cheesy and since it's your wedding you should only do things you actually enjoy. Honestly I'm so happy I got married during lockdown 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 15:21

I'm worried I'm going to really upset my friend.

I wouldn't give a toss about upsetting her. This is your celebration/hen do/whatever, not hers.

You are really overthinking this. State clearly what you want or don't want and do what makes you happy.

shipsandgiggles · 06/04/2021 15:25

YANBU, DH and I didn’t have a hen or stag do. I don’t see the point

Purplewithred · 06/04/2021 15:25

I didn't have one at either of my weddings. I did have a very boozy dinner with my best friends, we all got very drunk and I told one friend that I thought her fiancee was a terrible shag (shagged him when they weren't together). Luckily she was so pissed she forgot I'd said it, but we all thought it was hysterically funny at the time. Not sure what anyone else in the restaurant thought.

MrsAvocet · 06/04/2021 15:25

I didn't have one and I've never been to anyone else's either. I would rather stick pins in my eyes. I went out for a meal with a handful of close friends a week or so before the wedding.
It's your wedding. Don't do something you hate in order to please other people. You're doing what your friend wants for her day and she should reciprocate. If you can't call the shots for your own wedding when can you?

overwork · 06/04/2021 15:26

I'd love to be your friend! Just the words 'hen do' are enough to send cold shivers down me. You are just going to have to tell her that this is what you want for your celebration, why on earth would she go ahead and plan you something you'd hate?

FishyFriday · 06/04/2021 15:28

I didn’t have one either. Or want one. Just not my thing at all.

Your bridesmaid is supposed to be organising a do for you - that’d you’d enjoy. Not one she’s like or like to organise. Just be really clear that you just want a meal and some drinks.

eyeoresancerre · 06/04/2021 15:29

No hen do for me either - can't imagine anything worse. Went for the usual Saturday night meal out/drinks with my best friends. We had some champagne to differentiate it from every other sat night out. It was chilled and fun and we had chips on the way home too.

HarkAVagrant · 06/04/2021 15:30

You should have whatever you want. I haven’t been to loads of hen dos and thankfully none of them were the strippers-and-and-sex-games type or the spend-loads-of-money-organised-fun type, but the ones I have been to have mostly been a meal in a restaurant or a picnic, sometimes followed by a club or karaoke, sometimes not, and in all cases anyone who wasn’t up for the club bit didn’t come.

Mylovelyhorsee · 06/04/2021 15:31

It’s your hen not hers. Just organise your own if she is any sort of friend she will understand.

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 06/04/2021 15:33

I have a friend who is similar and she insisted I have a baby shower.

I wish I'd stuck to my guns so please stick to yours. It's about you; not your friend.

Original poster
Pedalpushers · 06/04/2021 15:33

Glad to hear I'm not a misery guts, seems I've found my people! The 'hens' I'm dealing with at the moment are currently in the WhatsApp group discussing what our budget is for the personalised party bags and I'm a bit Confused

OP posts:
Flippyferloppy · 06/04/2021 15:34

Your wedding, your decision.
I hate them, so I didn't have one.
That's it!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 15:35

The 'hens' I'm dealing with at the moment are currently in the WhatsApp group discussing what our budget is for the personalised party bags and I'm a bit Confused

Good grief, op, SPEAK UP. You have a voice so use it. If you don't, it will be your fault if you're stuck with a nightmare hen do you never wanted.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 06/04/2021 15:36

When you plan a wedding you always end up upsetting someone. Such is life. She'll survive. It's your wedding, not hers.

lovablequalities · 06/04/2021 15:37

I didn't want one but the girls at my work insisted and threw me a surprise one. We did a meal and pub thing. It was fine. I would have absolutely loathed a weekend-spa-activity-dress up thing. Also all the tensions and trying to keep everyone happy. Nightmare. See if you can get away with a very low key affair. Or just you and the two bridesmaids. That might be nice.

JustWowWowWow · 06/04/2021 15:38

Real friends should know you well enough to understand you don’t want any fuss and respect your wishes. Just gently and kindly say you are grateful and explain what you are happy doing instead.
I’m introverted and I know how you feel, a big hen do was never my scene, in fact my idea of hell and I would have avoided it in any way I possibly could!
Make sure nobody pushes you into anything you are not comfortable with.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 06/04/2021 15:39

Can't you just say to your bridesmaids that you're really concerned about the costs of a hen do, say you know how people are struggling with furlough and there being SO many events that have been reorganised, so instead of a big thing you'd love to do a nice local meal and are happy to organise it yourself.

If they really want to organise it for you maybe just give them a guest list and a few restaurants that you like and they can all choose which one you go to so it's still a bit of a surprise for you.

TeeBee · 06/04/2021 15:41

Oh, you need to speak up straight away OP. What do you want?
Just say 'there will be none of that party bag and cocks-on-head malarky, it'll be a nice dinner/spa (whatever you want).' Maybe even use COVID as an additional reason, noting that many people have been stretched financially.

I hate hen dos (and any type of 'forced fun'). I had a spa day and nice lunch with my best mate. Job done.

SVRT19674 · 06/04/2021 15:43

Be clear, especially about what you DON´t want.
Our friend told us she didn´t want anything sexual or vulgar so we took her at her word. Then it turned out she did want it, but was being coy. Serve her right.

CentBoppers · 06/04/2021 15:43

The 'hens' I'm dealing with at the moment are currently in the WhatsApp group discussing what our budget is for the personalised party bags and I'm a bit confused

So why haven't you said "actually, I don't want a hen do (or any sort of surprise)"?

They can have their own "do" if they want to, but it won't be a hen do as the bride (that's you) won't be attending.

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