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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a 'hen do'?

87 replies

Pedalpushers · 06/04/2021 15:00

I'm getting married next year. I have two bridesmaids, both are sort of 'maid of honour' as basically I have two best friends. I'm also maid of honour for one of their upcoming weddings and planning their hen do.

I hate hen dos. I think they are a nuisance and planning this one has only confirmed. I hate cottages and hot tubs, I hate twee 'party games' and quizzes and 'memories', I hate cocktail making and crafting and butlers in the buff or whatever. I hate surprises.

I do want to invite my friends out for a meal and some drinks but I'm worried I'm going to really upset my friend. She is a classic 'hostess' type who will want to organise a big do, as much for her as anything else. It's possibly relevant that this friend isn't part of any of my other groups and if I'm honest, my other friends don't really like her.

I want to just tell them I don't want one and then organise my own dinner. Am I being a misery? Should I suck it up so my bridesmaids get to have their fun? Also, how do I explain this to her without it sounding like a criticism of her, especially as a lot of the reason I feel this way is because organising her own hen do has made me so miserable? It won't be until next year so I can't even blame Covid.

OP posts:
lineandsinker · 06/04/2021 15:44

I didn’t want a hen do and was ignored. My bridesmaids (my sisters) invited lots of people I wouldn’t have chosen (friends of family / their friends) and basically created a day they would enjoy. I just wanted a quiet meal and some cocktails with my close friends and family. My friends tried to step in and question the choices my sisters made but they were shot down / ignored.

The whole day was basically my worst nightmare (sashes, penis straws, topless butlers, nightclub) and I ended up not being able to hide my disappointment / upset which caused a big row. I feel mortified by it to this day, particularly as I think I came across badly as a result.

So, in summary, no, YANBU to refuse a hen do. I wish I’d been tougher and stood up for myself more.

Original poster
Pedalpushers · 06/04/2021 15:45

The party bags is for her hen do, not mine, sorry about the confusion!

I like the idea of presenting some options they can pick from. I might also suggest that it doesn't feel right arranging a big blowout when so many people are still having to cancel their dream weddings and hen parties and holidays.

OP posts:
RainyDay2020 · 06/04/2021 15:46

I arranged my own! A meal at a local restaurant for my Mum,MIL all the aunties and cousins etc.
Then one of my close friends arranged a limo to pick 6 of us up and take us to a cheesy nightclub that we had been to and enjoyed before. No strippers or pricey weekend away, no dramas!

ChocOrange1 · 06/04/2021 15:51

If you can't tell your best friend what your actual wishes are for your own wedding, who can you tell? If its not for ages she is unlikely to have organised anything yet, please tell her before its too late and she might lose deposits etc.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2021 16:04

I hate hen (and stag) parties with a passion. I didn't always, they were fine when they were basically a pub crawl round your own town, but they've become so overblown and competitive now, I just couldn't be arsed.

Needless to say, I didn't have a hen do myself!

PicaK · 06/04/2021 19:09

If you're organising her hen do with love, thinking about what she wants and not casting a downer on it then absolutely do what you want for your hen do.

Ionacat · 06/04/2021 19:25

I didn’t have a hen do either. Really not my thing at all - I don’t like alcohol and getting drunk and don’t like being centre of attention in that sort of situation. One of my groups of friends organised a curry night which was lovely and we just had a great time chatting. I was very honest and just said sorry it’s not my thing and they understood.

SuziLikeSuziQ · 06/04/2021 19:34

I went to the Harry Potter Studio Tour for my hen! No silly games, no clubbing, no strippers, no cottage. Just optional fancy dress (many dressed as characters but some didn't and that was fine!) and going round the tour, then a meal.

I dislike 'games' and clubbing (I'm partially deaf so hate loud, crowded rooms) and wanted it to be a reasonable price. I had two primary school children there with us, too, plus my mum! So all good, clean fun.

It's not for everyone though. You are not BU to say you don't want one! Or just have a meal or afternoon tea or something.

Theelderscrolls · 06/04/2021 19:40

I thought I was the only one! Fortunately my maid of honour knows me well and isn't pushing the issue.

I'm going to maybe have an afternoon tea and invite close friends, mums and aunties, or possibly a spa day. With strict instructions that nothing should be 'hen themed!' I think people are more willing to let it go when you are a thirty something with kids like me though.

Nice to know there are a few of us who feel the same!

MissConductUS · 06/04/2021 20:06

I didn't want one or have one, but they are far less common in the US. I was on a flight once from New York to Los Angeles with a British hen do group. That was an experience I'll never forget. Grin

Grapewrath · 06/04/2021 20:47

Yanbu. Hens are awful
I went to one which was a nice spa and meal but I hear you. Tell tour maid of honour- it’s your day! Suggest some alternatives, maybe a special restaurant that’s a bit out of the ordinary or an activity.
Be very clear

Itsthecatsfault · 06/04/2021 20:57

I was completely unfussed by the idea of a hen do when I got married. I was also really uncomfortable with the whole idea of inviting people to spend lots of ££ on attending one.

My MOH took my requests at my word and I had a lovely, relaxed day with no penis straws, sashes or the like. Think a leisurely activity while quaffing Prosecco followed by afternoon tea.

DenisetheMenace · 06/04/2021 21:01

You don’t need to worry about upsetting your friends, they should be doing whatever you want to do. Don’t want a hen do, don’t have one. This is all about you.
FWIW, I’d much rather be invited out for dinner somewhere special.

Honeyroar · 06/04/2021 21:04

I don’t like them either and didn’t have one. Just be honest. It’s about you and what you want.

ExpectingToFly · 06/04/2021 21:05

I've found my people 🤣. I hate hen dos too and didn't have one myself

Alaimo · 06/04/2021 21:11

I didn't have a hen do. Nor a spa day, quiet meal with friends etc. I just didn't see the point in it? I can still do spa days, meals out now that im married, so why the pressure to have one before the wedding?

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/04/2021 21:16

Surely no one actually wants to organise a hen do? Just organise your own dinner - your friends will all be mightily relieved!

Hcolhcsra · 06/04/2021 21:23

We did a show and a meal out in the nearest big city. It was nice and was a good compromise for everyone (elderly mother to party animal colleagues). Personally hate all the blow up cocks and penis straws.

DontBeRidiculous · 06/04/2021 21:24

It's your wedding. Do it your way. Your friend who loves hosting will just have to save her hostess skills for her own parties!

ilovebagpuss · 06/04/2021 21:34

We went away for a weekend to a nice city with a few mates just did some shopping and lovely meal in the evening.
We went to a club for a bit for a dance just had a fun weekend with nothing obviously “Hen” about it.
Make sure you do what you are comfortable with.

Heretooutthere · 06/04/2021 21:45

I arranged my own - just a meal in a really nice hotel where DH and I had had lovely meals so many times. There was about a dozen of us and we had a lovely, quiet evening with the meal and then heading into the hotel bar afterwards etc. I had heavily stressed to everyone that it was, to me, to be a pre-wedding meal with good friends and family and absolutely not a ‘hen do.’ The only thing I was miffed about was that three good male friends declined because they said it would turn into a typical hen do - it didn’t, and I would have been seriously annoyed if my wishes had been overridden.

There are so many threads on here where people are pushed/bullied into hen do’s/weddings that they don’t want or want to attend - put your foot down now and be strong about what you do/don’t want otherwise you may always regret it.

Notaroadrunner · 06/04/2021 22:04

@Pedalpushers

The party bags is for her hen do, not mine, sorry about the confusion!

I like the idea of presenting some options they can pick from. I might also suggest that it doesn't feel right arranging a big blowout when so many people are still having to cancel their dream weddings and hen parties and holidays.

No need to make up excuses. You simply say you do not want a hen, you are not interested in it and that they are not to organise one as you won't be turning up. If it's something they think is great fun, good for them, but they just have to accept that you are not into it.
firstimemamma · 06/04/2021 22:08

I'm getting married soon - no bridesmaids, hen do or anything! Do what you want to do and don't worry about offending anyone.

Original poster
Pedalpushers · 06/04/2021 22:38

I do get this, I guess my main concern is the timing - essentially, we will have her hen party in July, she will then afterwards say OK let's plan yours, and I will have to say OK, the one I planned for you? I hated everything about it and want the exact opposite Blush

I admit to being a chronic people pleaser, so I am psyching myself up to put my foot down here.

OP posts:
firedog · 06/04/2021 22:59

Another hen do hater here. Expensive, needless and contrived.

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