To not want a 'hen do'?

[Pedalpushers]

I'm getting married next year. I have two bridesmaids, both are sort of 'maid of honour' as basically I have two best friends. I'm also maid of honour for one of their upcoming weddings and planning their hen do.

I hate hen dos. I think they are a nuisance and planning this one has only confirmed. I hate cottages and hot tubs, I hate twee 'party games' and quizzes and 'memories', I hate cocktail making and crafting and butlers in the buff or whatever. I hate surprises.

I do want to invite my friends out for a meal and some drinks but I'm worried I'm going to really upset my friend. She is a classic 'hostess' type who will want to organise a big do, as much for her as anything else. It's possibly relevant that this friend isn't part of any of my other groups and if I'm honest, my other friends don't really like her.

I want to just tell them I don't want one and then organise my own dinner. Am I being a misery? Should I suck it up so my bridesmaids get to have their fun? Also, how do I explain this to her without it sounding like a criticism of her, especially as a lot of the reason I feel this way is because organising her own hen do has made me so miserable? It won't be until next year so I can't even blame Covid.

It's your wedding, your hen do, you decide. One of my best mates who loved to party with the best of them quite surprisingly decided she just wanted a low key meal for her hen night with a small number of her closest friends and it was absolutely lovely.

I'd be questioning my choice of bridesmaids if they didn't want to support my choice of hen do.

It's your wedding so you get to decide about whether you have a hen do or not.
I didn't - I went on a city break to Venice with my mum instead & bought bits for our wedding (shoes, jewellery, Limoncello). Had a fabulous time.

Well, she must know you're different people with different preferences.

I'd phrase it something like this: "Your hen do was the perfect match for you and your personality. It was wonderful!" (Even if it wasn't...) "But for me, right now, I'm kind of exhausted with all the wedding prep, and what I'd really like most is just a relaxing night out at a nice restaurant with my best friends. Good food, good wine, good friends! Who could ask for more?"

Hate them too and I didn't have one. I wanted to see my bridesmaids so we all went out for afternoon tea and I invited my Mum and Auntie along (they knew all the bridesmaids as we had all grown up together) and it was lovely. Mum and Auntie left after food but we all stayed for a natter. My other group of friends also took me for afternoon tea and drinks and it was lovely. You do whatever you want - others will have to just get on with it.

If this friend is close enough that you are both being bridesmaids / MoH to each other, then I can't believe you can't just have a conversation with her.

"Remember, that we feel very differently about this sort of thing. You want games and fun activities and, because I am your friend an I know that is what you want, I am putting in a lot of effort to make sure you get what you want for your wedding celebrations. I hope you are as good a friend to me and listen to what I want to do, and not going to try to arrange what might be more to your tastes when it comes to my^ celebrations"

Surely, she will be aware of this, if you are such close friends, anyway?

@Pedalpushers

Personalised party bags!!!

How old are these people? 5???

If she can't understand that you don't want a hen party, then she's not really much of a friend is she?
I think you need to make it clear exactly what you want and tell her if she organises anything other than what you're happy with, you'll be going home.
When I left one job, someone organised a male strippergram for me.
She didn't check with me first but people who knew me better told her not to as I'd hate it. Sure enough there are pics of me looking spectacularly unamused. I didn't just "go with the flow and end up enjoying it" as she assumed I would...
It's your wedding and your hen night - Congratulations !!

You don't have to say that you hated her hen do OP - there's other ways to phrase it. Maybe something like "I loved planning all the things that I knew you were going to enjoy and it was great seeing you having so much fun. But what I'd really enjoy is something more low key, like a quiet meal out with my best friends at a lovely restaurant. We're so different aren't we, but I guess that's why we're such good friends - opposites attract!"

So glad there are others out there like me. They just aren't my thing at all. I had a weekend away with my close female family and visited my bridesmaid / best mate before the wedding but it wasn't a typical hen night, just a chance to catch up before the wedding.
Saved the equivalent of a hen weekend abroad and spent on make up and hotel stay for my bridesmaids. We all enjoyed that.

When did it become a "thing" thatbridesmaids/MOH organised your hen do?

Just tell your friend that she needn't organise a hen do for you as you are just going to book a restaurant for a pre wedding meal out with friends.

Just tell her that if anyone is planning any organised forced fun that you will not play along with it.

When it was coming up to DH's 40th birthday he told everyone "don't even think about getting me a strippergram because I will walk out", and it was obvious that he meant it.

@SnackSizeRaisin

Surely no one actually wants to organise a hen do? Just organise your own dinner - your friends will all be mightily relieved!

Exactly! If I had a pound for all the hen-related drama on here — no-payers, no-showers, reluctant attendees, terrifying budgets — I’d be rich.

And it’s a matter of taste what you call a ‘hen do’, anyway. Some I’ve attended have involved boating on the Avon, climbing a mountain, a stage fighting workshop, a beautiful Japanese meal and then home, going to a Punchdrunk play — and some have been called ‘hens’ and some not.

I didn’t have one of any kind. The idea is kind of depressing, and reminiscent of the days when women were expected to stop socialising with their friends after they married. I can eat out with my friends any time.

These people are your friends FFS. They should know and love you enough to give you the hen do that you want, be that nothing at all, a quiet meal or whatever. I had a hen do like no other I've been to. My true best friend organized it and so made it suit my personality. I don't like surprises and I like plans so she wrote out a schedule, it was a simple day full of the things I love with the people who love me. Yes there were people there who would have hated it if it was their event - we didn't get plastered, threre were no cock shaped items, but they loved it because they love me. If your friends can't manage that then why are they your friends at all?

Loathe hen parties. Always have and always will. But ex and I when planning our it-didn't=happen-btw wedding, she wanted the lot - strippers, limo with jacuzzi in it, gift bags, cock hats (lesbians so bit of head scratching there), screaming for no reason and the rest.
Me? Gilbert Scotts, no limit budget, decent book and a cigar outside. Nice.

I am exactly the same and spent a long time telling my bridesmaids I do not want a hen do, I don’t want a big fuss etc etc. They kept saying I had to do something (I didn’t) so decided I would be happy to go to the theatre with a group of friends and then back to mine for drinks. That’s what we did. They are really good friends so I felt happy telling them not to go all out which they respected. They made it special and bought (way too much) alcohol for everyone and some small gifts.
I have had to organise hen dos and been on many and they are stressful, costly and not enjoyable. It’s your wedding, you do what you want.

Op as others have said be very clear about what you do want and what you don't want as a quiet meal can be hijacked by well meaning friends.

A limo with a jacuzzi in? Is this a thing? Does the jacuzzi have seat belts and air bags? :o

You send an email now to whoever you want to invite. "My hen do is going to be a lovely meal/afternoon tea/whatever at X on X date. (Or date to be arranged). I'm letting you know now because I'd like to invite you when the time comes. I'm also doing this so that you know there won't be any weekends away etc - just a lovely get together with good friends.
Then - whatever comes the reply is - "Yes, I know you'd like to do more, but it's my hen and this is what I want to do". "As I said, my hen will be a meal at x, I don't want to do anything else". "I know that hens are sometimes a lot more than this, however as I said, mine will be a meal at x and I don't want to do anything more".
If you get the slightest whiff of a "surprise" hen don't faff about (as so often seems to happen. Immediately - if you're organising another hen for me please don't. It's going to be a meal at x and I won't be doing anything else.

Just do what you want to do. It's your wedding and your party!

I didn't want a normal hen do either (can't stand them) so I had a weekend abroad with a couple of good friends. It wasn't a party weekend, it was just a nice holiday. It was lovely.

Celebrate how you want to, and if you don't want to then don't!

I’ve arranged 3 hen dos.
Mine 20 years ago - meal out and pub afterwards. I still get a warm feeling thinking about it. 8 of us.
My sister’s 8 years ago - arranged from a distance - again, meal out and pub afterwards (but I did get her a piece of silly headwear)? Was lovely too. I think about 16 people.
My friend’s 3 years ago - sunny afternoon boating on the local river with strawberries and Prosecco with a meal afterwards - was 8 of us.
All were jolly affairs, not particularly expensive, but were fun afternoons or evenings with people who loved the bride and whom the bride loved.
I’ve never been to an expensive hen weekend with themes or dressing up. Having read threads on here, I’m quite happy with that.

I arranged my own hen as I wanted to ensure it wasn’t tacky or stupidly expensive or excluded my older family members.

It was fun and cost about £40 per person.

Doesn’t matter what anyone else wants - it’s your celebration so you get what you want.

I organised my own, dinner and drinks. Had a great time and it didn't cost anyone too much money. I don't think my bridesmaids were annoyed about it.

Not unreasonable at all; your idea of a meal and drinks sounds lovely. Guess you’ll just have to be clear that you don’t want anything organised for you and will make your own arrangements.

Any do of whatever description will be for you, not for someone else who enjoys organising ‘events’. Just tell her what you want and are going to do, and pretend not to notice any sulking.

You're not being unreasonable AT ALL. Your hen do should be about doing what you will enjoy. Any friend who gets annoyed with you about that, because it isn't what SHE likes, is not a good friend. She should want YOU to have the best "hen" party for you, and if that is a quiet meal with friends, that is exactly what should be planned.

Please don't people please other people, when it is your own hen do! Anyone who expects you to do otherwise is selfish and completely unreasonable. Please do not feel bad about this! Everyone likes different things. You prefering one way to celebrate doesn't take anything away from your friends hen do, and if she feels otherwise, that's her issue.

Just be honest about what you want to do, and don't make time for any grumbling from others if it comes.

I hate them and get that sinking feeling when an invitation arrives on the mat. Most hen dos are cheesy, naff and tacky, I don't really want to spend an evening or horror, a weekend, with a random bunch of women I will never see again, my time is too precious to be brutally honest, I barely have time to see my close friends as it is.

Having said that, I love nothing more than a dinner with friends so if it's 'that' kind of hen do, I'm v happy to be included. Invariably, it's not. It's random usually shreaky and loud women, rank male strippers (they are never sexy), pink inflatable willys, 'bubbles', 'L' plates and sparkly shit.