To not want a 'hen do'?

[Pedalpushers]

I'm getting married next year. I have two bridesmaids, both are sort of 'maid of honour' as basically I have two best friends. I'm also maid of honour for one of their upcoming weddings and planning their hen do.

I hate hen dos. I think they are a nuisance and planning this one has only confirmed. I hate cottages and hot tubs, I hate twee 'party games' and quizzes and 'memories', I hate cocktail making and crafting and butlers in the buff or whatever. I hate surprises.

I do want to invite my friends out for a meal and some drinks but I'm worried I'm going to really upset my friend. She is a classic 'hostess' type who will want to organise a big do, as much for her as anything else. It's possibly relevant that this friend isn't part of any of my other groups and if I'm honest, my other friends don't really like her.

I want to just tell them I don't want one and then organise my own dinner. Am I being a misery? Should I suck it up so my bridesmaids get to have their fun? Also, how do I explain this to her without it sounding like a criticism of her, especially as a lot of the reason I feel this way is because organising her own hen do has made me so miserable? It won't be until next year so I can't even blame Covid.

Yes say to your friends that rather than a hen do you are organising to have a meal out, leave it at that

They are a pretty new thing btw, when I hit married they were considered very tacky, low class - most women did nothing or just a dinner as you mentioned. Men's stag dos were a night out with their mates none of this holiday lark

@Pedalpushers

I do get this, I guess my main concern is the timing - essentially, we will have her hen party in July, she will then afterwards say OK let's plan yours, and I will have to say OK, the one I planned for you? I hated everything about it and want the exact opposite

I admit to being a chronic people pleaser, so I am psyching myself up to put my foot down here.

You don't need to tell her you hated her idea. You simply say that you are not having a hen party as it's not something you want for yourself. She cannot argue with that and neither can anyone else. If she or anyone else tries to sway you just be firm in saying no and reminding them that if they do plan something behind your back, you will not attend/you will leave if it's sprung on you. It's not belittling their choices, it's simply enforcing your choice.

I didn't have a hen do at all. No one ever commented, do what you want! Your friend is having her own hen do, I don't think she gets to be upset about not organising one for you!

Your wedding, your decision about a hen do.

Given the amount of time and money some women spend on hen weekends (and men on stag weekends) and it being a major cause in normal times of flights to Europe, I wish more thought as you do.

Another one that def does not want one! Honestly I think more people hate them even if secretly than love them!!!

Tell them you don’t want that. In fact, if I were in your position I’d provisionally book a table at my chosen restaurant and tell them. I can’t imagine anything I’d rather not do than the whole party bags/matching shirts/fancy dress/part games type of hen do. I’ve never been on one and wouldn’t go to one. Of the three I’ve been on, two were meals and drinks, one was lazerquest followed by chips on the seafront (that was my favourite!).

I had a civil partnership last year and the guest numbers were down from 15 to 2 witnesses. One of them did try to coax me into having some sort of do (before the lockdown happened - the CP date shifted by 6 months because of it) but I just said no. In the end, due to restrictions I met her at a local manor house that does amazing takeaway Sunday lunches and we ate them outside on one of the picnic benches - I told her we’d count that as a hen do 😂😂 We had a lovely afternoon and it was just right for me.

You need to tell them straight what you do and don’t want

I’d also add that of the weddings I’ve been to, I’d say more often than not there was no hen do. The others were as described above. You’re not obligated to do anything if you don’t want to.

And to add to the add, the majority of weddings I’ve been to, including my own, haven’t had any sort of bridesmaid, groomsman, best man or maid of honour either. One or two have but they’ve been small children who are in the family or close friends of the bride & groom (or bride & bride, groom & groom, depending on the wedding).

Seems to me that once you start going down the road of having adult bridesmaids then the expectation of having an elaborate hen do start ramping up. That’s my experience from people I know who’s weddings I haven’t attended too. The WhatsApp group starts and the whole thing just escalates.

StealthPolarBear

“A limo with a jacuzzi in? Is this a thing? Does the jacuzzi have seat belts and air bags“

Just snorkels and rubber rings, probably [

I don't want one either. I don't like the attention, I hate going out, my friends are all from different walks of life and like different things, families don't always get on. Some friends won't or can't afford it. So all in all a political nightmare I have decided I'm not doing.

One of my friends died very recently and we planned not as a hen do to go to a stain glass workshop. Sadly we never did it. So I'm going to take my best friend only for the day to do that. For once I'm going to be selfish. My wedding day is full of compromises to keep everyone happy, so this is my selfish moment no big hen do!

It is your hen do so you have what you want. One friends had us to a spa day for some treatments and then a chinese which was great. Another had drinks in town. Another refused one!

I could think of nothing worse than an all out hen do! But then I refused a big party for a big birthday!