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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was he BU to shout at me?

100 replies

JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:17

DH is not English, and has a very strong accent. He's lived here for nearly 20 years, and didn't speak any English when he arrived, so has learned from scratch. He's not quite fluent as he never actively tried to learn, just picked bits up. He is very proud of his nationality, and makes a point of not wanting to lose his accent or learn the rules of grammar etc.

Most people get what he means most of the time, with the odd misunderstanding. He does have a tendency to accuse people of being xenophobic if they don't understand him, but then sometimes he finds it funny to deliberate confuse people, so it depends what mood he's in as to whether he'll get annoyed.

This morning he asked me a question about a film we'd half-watched with DD and I didn't quite catch what he said, so asked him to repeat it. I still didn't understand so asked again- I was calm and cheery throughout, not wanting to make a big deal of it. He got irritated and told me to forget it. Then 5 minutes later after sitting in silence he shouted the question again, punctuated with lots of swearing. At least this time I understood! I answered, but took myself into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea as stupidly feeling a bit tearful.

I love him but this is just the latest in a long line of incidents caused by the language barrier. Whenever he gets annoyed (with me or DD or just in general) he'll start muttering in his language and when I tell him I find it disrespectful because I know he's moaning about me but I don't fully understand what he's saying, he just tells me it's not his fault I don't speak his language. I am learning his language but I'm not very good at it.

I don't know if this is normal when you're with someone whose first language is different from yours, and I'm feeling like even though its my fault and I understand he was frustrated, he didn't need to shout and swear, especially in front of DD.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out" - my being tearful has been blamed on PMS (tbf I am on my period), not taking my antidepressants (not true, I'm taking them) and on being tired (tired of him, yes).

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/04/2021 12:18

He sounds like a knob
Why did you even marry him when he acts like this?

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:23

Because at the time I fell for his charm. We did marry very quickly and looking back I now wonder if that was the right thing to do.

I do love him, but days like today I have to remind myself of that rather than just knowing it, if that makes any sense?

OP posts:
Oneeyeopen · 05/04/2021 12:24

Its nothing to do with language.
He's not a nice person.

HollowTalk · 05/04/2021 12:29

He doesn't sound nice at all. If you did split up, would he stay in this country?

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 05/04/2021 12:30

It's not normal. He's a prick using an excuse to hurt you.

Joinedjustforthispost · 05/04/2021 12:33

Nothing to do with you or the language barrier your partner is an abusive knob.

SunIsComing · 05/04/2021 12:34

Get rid.

Cavagirl · 05/04/2021 12:37

He sounds like a knob. YANBU, he is.

Interesting you make it sound like he's effectively used language as an act of rebellion against his adopted country - making a point of refusing to learn grammar etc. Is it possible he now finds his lack of fluency a problem, esp with DC growing up etc, but won't swallow his pride to learn properly? So the shouting is out of frustration?

That doesn't excuse his behaviour at all. It's his own fault if he's made minimal effort to learn but then the consequences of that make him angry.

Hankunamatata · 05/04/2021 12:40

Meh dh is english and does this when I dont get what he is saying. I just tell him to stop being a twat, come speak to me when he can be civil and walk out the room.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:41

He used to threaten to go back to his home country whenever we had an argument, but a couple years ago I called his bluff and started searching for a smaller place for me and DD. He apologised and hasn't used that threat since.

His parents have both now passed away and he isn't very close with his siblings so he doesn't really have a reason to go back there anymore.

When I ask about why he doesn't want to lose his accent etc., he says its because he never intended to stay in England. He reckons that changed when we married and had DD, but it still seems like he'll never quite see this as his home. When Brexit happened and it was still up in the air about what paperwork he'd have to do, he said he'd rather move back to his home country than apply for British citizenship.

I'd move to his home country if it would make him happy, but he'd struggle to find a job in his hometown (think dying village), I'd never get a job without being fluent, and it would mean taking DD away from all the friends and family she knows. I'd be desperately unhappy and lonely but at least he might be a little happier. Then he could speak his language all the time and the onus would be on me to learn his, which will be easier for us.

OP posts:
Kaleidoscopecascade · 05/04/2021 12:42

Do not move to his country and lose your support system.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 05/04/2021 12:44

No excuse to ever shout at you like that and then dismiss you being upset as not being his fault. Do you want your DD growing up to think that is acceptable and she should tolerate it from her future partners?

I'd be really considering leaving the relationship if this is typically how he treats you or at least insist on some form of counselling

cerealgamechanger · 05/04/2021 12:45

He sounds like a moody fucker. The deliberately tricking others with the accent thing seems like he's got a chip on his shoulder. Sorry but you sound like you'd be better off without him. The fact that ye put the blame on you when taking DD out for a walk suggests he's a gaslighting prick which is a form of abuse.

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2021 12:47

I'd move to his home country if it would make him happy, but he'd struggle to find a job in his hometown (think dying village), I'd never get a job without being fluent, and it would mean taking DD away from all the friends and family she knows. I'd be desperately unhappy and lonely but at least he might be a little happier. Then he could speak his language all the time and the onus would be on me to learn his, which will be easier for us

This paragraph is utter madness OP.

You would go to a country where you don’t speak the language, don’t have any chance of work and where you think you’d be miserable because it would be EASIER?

If that’s true then your marriage is over. He sounds awful.

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 05/04/2021 12:48

No, he is just a horrible person and is using the language barrier as an excuse to be an arsehole.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:49

Unfortunately I can't financially afford to leave - I'd not be able to afford rent, bills and her nursery fees on my own, and while I trust he'd contribute to her nursery fees I cant guarantee it. I looked into all that a couple years ago when he was threatening to move back to France.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 05/04/2021 12:49

OP, you need to take a good, hard look at your relationship. If you were set to leave 2 years ago, then perhaps the relationship has run it's course.

And no, it's never acceptable to shout, except in emergencies, the "look out" kind of shout.

My ex knew I am partly deaf, but there were times he mumbled, deliberately I think, and would yell at me as if it were my fault I didn't hear what he said.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out"

This is nasty and is undermining you. Do you want your DD to grow up and treat you with the same contempt he's showing to you? Because all the while he's saying things like this, she'll be absorbing the attitude.

user1471462428 · 05/04/2021 12:49

So let me get this straight, he left his country because he was unhappy then threatened to back to his country because he is still not happy....... could he possibly be the problem here. Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to make him happy he will never be happy. Focus on yourself and your child.

Sparklesocks · 05/04/2021 12:51

Language barriers can be frustrating when the non native speaker can’t find the words to express themselves how they want to, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK to shout and swear at his wife (which your DD is probably witnessing too).

I also think I’d be put off by the fact he hasn’t applied for citizenship and doesn’t see the U.K. as his permanent home, I’d worry about what that suggests for me and our child. Definitely don’t move to his home country and uproot DD solely to placate him and hope it gets better. There’s no guarantee it will and it’s a huge gamble to do so.

I’m sorry, it sounds like a really difficult position - but I’m not sure how much you can go on like this.

Cavagirl · 05/04/2021 12:51

If you move to his home country it will be extremely difficult to legally move back to the UK with your DC if you split and he resists you leaving.
Please don't consider moving!!

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:51

I'd love to do marriage counselling but I don't think we could afford it, plus we don't have anyone to look after DD. I also doubt that he would even consider it unless I handed him an ultimatum which I obviously don't want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:55

He originally left his home country because his girlfriend was English. They split not long after they arrived and he just stayed here.

It's nice he's so proud of his nationality but I do wish he'd even consider British nationality, just as a step to confirm that he does intend to stay here with me and DD.

I don't think we would move to his home country. It's a nice place but I don't think it would work out well for us and I'd be worried about what happens to DD if we split.

OP posts:
somuchlaundrytowash · 05/04/2021 12:56

I don't think it's anything to do with a language barrier . He likes to manipulate others. He is abusive to shout and scream at you. He's just not a nice person. Personally I would leave.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:57

@TurquoiseDragon That's interesting you say that about being partly deaf - I also am partially deaf which obviously doesn't help matters!

OP posts:
bloodyhell19 · 05/04/2021 12:59

The only language barrier there is that he's fluent in vicious bastard.

Frustrating if people can't understand you - I get that, I have an accent that can confuse people - but I would never punctuate with swearing at my SO.

Also to go one step further and tell your daughter those things about you is another level of horrendous. Whatever about temper in the moment, he took those personal things and weaponised them with your daughter.

I know it's a MN cliché, but I would leave tbh. Life is too short to be with someone like that.