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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was he BU to shout at me?

100 replies

JammyGem · 05/04/2021 12:17

DH is not English, and has a very strong accent. He's lived here for nearly 20 years, and didn't speak any English when he arrived, so has learned from scratch. He's not quite fluent as he never actively tried to learn, just picked bits up. He is very proud of his nationality, and makes a point of not wanting to lose his accent or learn the rules of grammar etc.

Most people get what he means most of the time, with the odd misunderstanding. He does have a tendency to accuse people of being xenophobic if they don't understand him, but then sometimes he finds it funny to deliberate confuse people, so it depends what mood he's in as to whether he'll get annoyed.

This morning he asked me a question about a film we'd half-watched with DD and I didn't quite catch what he said, so asked him to repeat it. I still didn't understand so asked again- I was calm and cheery throughout, not wanting to make a big deal of it. He got irritated and told me to forget it. Then 5 minutes later after sitting in silence he shouted the question again, punctuated with lots of swearing. At least this time I understood! I answered, but took myself into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea as stupidly feeling a bit tearful.

I love him but this is just the latest in a long line of incidents caused by the language barrier. Whenever he gets annoyed (with me or DD or just in general) he'll start muttering in his language and when I tell him I find it disrespectful because I know he's moaning about me but I don't fully understand what he's saying, he just tells me it's not his fault I don't speak his language. I am learning his language but I'm not very good at it.

I don't know if this is normal when you're with someone whose first language is different from yours, and I'm feeling like even though its my fault and I understand he was frustrated, he didn't need to shout and swear, especially in front of DD.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out" - my being tearful has been blamed on PMS (tbf I am on my period), not taking my antidepressants (not true, I'm taking them) and on being tired (tired of him, yes).

OP posts:
Italianmoma1983 · 05/04/2021 13:00

He is French - isn’t he. The way you describe him makes him sounds French.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 13:04

@Italianmoma1983

He is French - isn’t he. The way you describe him makes him sounds French.
How did you know? 😂
OP posts:
elessar · 05/04/2021 13:06

He does sound like a bit of a dick to be honest.

However, I wonder why you make a point of saying that he's never bothered to properly learn English to be fully fluent - but by the sounds of it, you haven't learned his language to any meaningful level.

Appreciate you all live in this country, and therefore from a practical level it makes sense that he should learn the native language (and why he would be angry about it makes no sense, as he chose to settle here). However I can understand that he might be frustrated that his culture and language is so important to him, and it's not something you've really embraced.

That's not to say though that his way of handling it is acceptable! He sounds like he has a lot of bitterness and resentment built up.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 13:10

I have learned enough French to understand enough of a conversation to get by, but I don't feel very confident speaking it so I don't contribute too much when we'rewith his family or French friends. He uses a lot of slang and when muttering it's difficult to make out what he's saying. But I know I need to make more of an effort to learn more.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 13:12

We're also brining up DD to be bilingual, although she's only just started talking. Hopefully I will pick up more as she gets older.

OP posts:
CentBoppers · 05/04/2021 13:14

@Italianmoma1983

He is French - isn’t he. The way you describe him makes him sounds French.
The OP sayng that he was threatening to move back to France might also have been a clue.
Regularsizedrudy · 05/04/2021 13:15

Wow he sounds like an absolute cunt. Sure it’s a great environment for your daughter Confused

Stompythedinosaur · 05/04/2021 13:18

Your daughter is watching him be abusive to you. She will think this is what a normal relationship looks like. Do you want her to be in a relationship where she is threatened and abused when she is older?

Soubriquet · 05/04/2021 13:19

Well, you did say he was threatening to move back to France so that would be a good indicator Grin

I would leave him tbh. He doesn’t sound like a nice person. He isn’t willing to learn English but will expect you to learn french

How is that fair?

Do not move to France. You will completely miserable

sonjadog · 05/04/2021 13:20

This has nothing to do with the language barrier. I have a different native language to my partner, and many of my friends are in relationships with people with different native languages to them (I work in an international environment), and I have never experienced nor have a heard of anyone experiencing behaviour like this from their partner. He behaves this way because of his personality. This is who he is.

Italianmoma1983 · 05/04/2021 13:25

@CentBoppers I hadn’t seen !

Babygotblueyes · 05/04/2021 13:25

So to be clear - he moved to a country where he made no effort to learn the language, he likes to mess with people by confusing them, he blames any reaction to his bad behaviour on PMS, and would regularly threaten to move back to his home country when unhappy. This man is a complete jackass and not afraid to share his low opinion of you with your child. This is not going to get better. You may be able to access marriage therapy for little or no cost through your local IAPT service, and even if he is not open to this, maybe you could have some counselling about this relationship?

An0n0n0n · 05/04/2021 13:26

"I'd be desperately unhappy but at least he might feel a bit happier."

I mean this kindly but please have a word with yourself.

He is mean to you whereas you would clearly go to the end of the earth for him.

It's not supposed to be like this.

If you want to leave then you need to stop making excuses. People make do on very little. You'd be surprised how much people will put themselves out for you if you ask for help.

JackieTheFart · 05/04/2021 13:29

He sounds like an absolute bastard and you sound ground down completely. Your post about you moving to France is pure madness, nothing would be ‘better’ if you did that.

Bloodypunkrockers · 05/04/2021 13:30

He sounds like an abusive twat. The bit he said to your daughter is so like my ex.

Does he bring anything positive to your relationship?

noirchatsdeux · 05/04/2021 13:30

My father is French...and also a cunt. His parents moved to the UK during WW2 and he was brought up here. Has full UK citizenship.

He moved with my mother back to her home country - Australia - when she was pregnant with me. My older brother was born in the UK (he was a year old when I was born), myself and my younger brother were both born in Australia.

We lived in Australia until I was 9. My father was offered Australian citizenship when I was about 5 - refused it. When my older brother turned 10 my father decided he hated Australia, got a job in a developing country and long story short totally wrecked the rest of our childhoods by dragging us all around the world for the next 7 years. He also cheated on my mother from virtually the start...

My mother admits now she should have stayed in Australia. She comes from a wealthy family who would have made sure we weren't homeless/didn't starve. But my mother valued her marriage more than her children. That's something I will never forgive her for. I've been totally NC with my father for 30 years and very LC with my mother for 25.

Let him move back to France, on his own. You are never going to be a happy family.

SummerInSun · 05/04/2021 13:30

I know plenty of couples who have different native languages, and even a few where English is a second languages for both of them so they are always communicating with each other in their "second" language. They don't behave like that to each other. I agree with PP who said it's not the language, it's him.

Also, if his native language is so important to him, haven't you brought DD up bilingual?

JackieTheFart · 05/04/2021 13:30

And I also think you should leave. There is lots of help out there. Unless you want to remain with this dickhead for the rest of your life? This isn’t how someone treats someone they love. This is how someone treats someone they barely tolerate.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 05/04/2021 13:30

This is a terrible atmosphere for your little girl to grow up in!
He's using the language situation to be abusive towards you. He's also bringing your small child into the argument to put you down. She will soon be able to understand exactly what is going on.
Quite frankly, he's a twat!
I would start looking at your finances with a view to get the hell out of there.

PricklesAndSpikes · 05/04/2021 13:36

How can a french person live in the UK for 20 years and NOT learn the language? It's not that dissimilar! It's not like a Brit going to work in a country where the business language is English (e.g. the UAE), so no real need to learn Arabic. Has he never had a job? Watched the TV? Listened to the radio? He's a lazy, mean man who resents his adopted country and has no respect for his wife.

I would ask yourself what you would advise your daughter to do if she was living your life? I hope it wouldn't be to uproot herself to another country and to make herself (and possibly her daughter) miserable in the vain hope it makes her husband happy!

billy1966 · 05/04/2021 13:38

He sounds like a real nasty piece of work and you are in complete denial about just how awful he is.

He sounds as if he doesn't like you too.

You need toreach out to family and friends and DO NOT get pregnant again with him.

Horrible man.
Flowers

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 13:39

To be fair to him, I've not been making enough of an effort with our marriage recently either. We rarely spend time just the two of us and since pregnancy I've really let myself go and put on a lot of weight which I know I need to lose.

He has a great sense of humour and is brilliant with DD. I'm going to make more of an effort to learn French and more about his culture. We eat a lot of French food and listen to French music but I know there's more we could do together. I think also making the time to do "date nights" etc to bring us back together could help.

I'll also look into counselling and see what's available to us. Once we have that conversation I'll have a better idea of where we stand.

OP posts:
georgarina · 05/04/2021 13:41

It's sad because I notice with women we blame ourselves for our reactions - you say you were 'stupidly' tearful because he shouted and swore at you. He doesn't seem like he would say he was 'stupidly' upset you didn't understand him - he just flew off the handle and took it out on you.

I think we're conditioned as women to 'calm down' and that our reactions are unnecessary, when men are not taught this and as a result they feel justified to take out their emotions on us, and we're taught to just deal with it and not complain.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/04/2021 13:44

@PricklesAndSpikes He does speak English pretty well, he's just not fluent. His grammar isn't great, especially word order, so unless you're used to his way of speaking it can be a little difficult for others to always understand him. He has an incredibly strong accent too. He's always worked mostly with other non-British people as that's just the industry he works in. I wouldn't say he's lazy and hasn't bothered to learn, it's more that he's afraid of losing his own national identity.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 05/04/2021 13:44

Yawn. Another fucking martyr like my mother who cares more about her marriage than her children.

Women really are their own worst enemies.