Was he BU to shout at me?

[JammyGem]

DH is not English, and has a very strong accent. He's lived here for nearly 20 years, and didn't speak any English when he arrived, so has learned from scratch. He's not quite fluent as he never actively tried to learn, just picked bits up. He is very proud of his nationality, and makes a point of not wanting to lose his accent or learn the rules of grammar etc.

Most people get what he means most of the time, with the odd misunderstanding. He does have a tendency to accuse people of being xenophobic if they don't understand him, but then sometimes he finds it funny to deliberate confuse people, so it depends what mood he's in as to whether he'll get annoyed.

This morning he asked me a question about a film we'd half-watched with DD and I didn't quite catch what he said, so asked him to repeat it. I still didn't understand so asked again- I was calm and cheery throughout, not wanting to make a big deal of it. He got irritated and told me to forget it. Then 5 minutes later after sitting in silence he shouted the question again, punctuated with lots of swearing. At least this time I understood! I answered, but took myself into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea as stupidly feeling a bit tearful.

I love him but this is just the latest in a long line of incidents caused by the language barrier. Whenever he gets annoyed (with me or DD or just in general) he'll start muttering in his language and when I tell him I find it disrespectful because I know he's moaning about me but I don't fully understand what he's saying, he just tells me it's not his fault I don't speak his language. I am learning his language but I'm not very good at it.

I don't know if this is normal when you're with someone whose first language is different from yours, and I'm feeling like even though its my fault and I understand he was frustrated, he didn't need to shout and swear, especially in front of DD.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out" - my being tearful has been blamed on PMS (tbf I am on my period), not taking my antidepressants (not true, I'm taking them) and on being tired (tired of him, yes).

Thinking about it, the thread title could be changed to “Is he BU to refuse to improve his pronunciation or learn the rules of grammar, and shout at people who don’t understand?”.
It’s a no-brainer, OP.

My first language was French and I had to learn English when I started primary school. I have never felt that I stopped being half French...and I've never lived in France. Just because I primarily speak English doesn't mean I feel English either.

I lived and worked in france for a number of years with terrible french. Actually zero French when I moved.

If you did want to move could it be a city rather than his dying village?
You can find lots of English speaking work.

I also believe the shouting is because of his frustration with himself for not learning the language properly and hes wrongfully taking it out on you. Prick.

I think the thing about being proud of his accent is bollox. He's ashamed he hasn't learned properly and knows after 20 years, people will be wondering why he cant speak so well.

Some french people expressed frustration with me for not knowing more french after a couple of months !
And him messing with other people to confuse them is also really fucking mean and probably what he does to pass the time because he doesn't have proper conversations.

My partner is french,he learned a lot of basic English at school but is fluent now in his 30s just from travelling and speaking but even now he still reads up on/studies local phrases and pronunciation just to have more of a laugh/deeper conversation in English with native speakers. It's what you do when you move to another country.

We do have the odd moment where we ask the other to repeat and after the 5th time someone may shout..but its never as you described . He just sounds like a selfish prick who isn't interested in really immersing into English life.

What does he do for work?

Abusive is not too strong a word and he’s gaslighting you by saying ‘mummy needs to sort herself out’. Is he really a great dad? Great dads don’t tell their dc that mum needs to sort herself out. I find it difficult to understand why he hasn’t become fluent: how long has he been in the U.K.? Does he work? How does he cope?

I hope you know some decent insults: where starts muttering, mutter back ‘connard’, my favourite French word, covers a multitude of occasions.

I'm German, and have lived in the UK for more than a decade. While it can be frustrating when people don't seem to understand you when you say a word with a slight accent it is completely unacceptable to behave like that. I put in a lot of effort to improve my spiken and written English and have never felt like the ability to speak another language well somehow diminishes my German-ness.

You tie yourself in knots trying to make him happy and let's see if it works shall we? I'm guessing it won't.

He sounds like an absolute twat.

I have loads of respect for people who learn a second language. But not speaking the language properly after living here for 20 years is annoying tbh. I have a person like this who is married to a relative. He is lazy and always takes the easy way out on so many things in life.

He didn't learn properly and his vocabulary, grammar and pronunciation aren't good. His written English is bad. He's never made any effort to get better. He will equally get annoyed when people don't understand him. So I really know the type.

Slightly off on a tangent op but I get what yiure talking about. It's absolutely not ok for him to speak to yiu like that.

My husband is from another European country. English is his 2nd language and he is fluent, it is learned from a v young age.
We are based in the UK & this is our home country. We spent 3 years in his country when the kids were younger so we all speak his language and we use it at home to keep fluency. We also (in normal times) spend time there several times a year with family.
Its tough and in the early days we had some misunderstandings but we are v forgiving of language issues as its incredibly easy for them to arise. We usually manage laugh over them (eventually)

It can't be a weapon between you - that way lies resentment and arguments.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out" - my being tearful has been blamed on PMS (tbf I am on my period), not taking my antidepressants (not true, I'm taking them) and on being tired (tired of him, yes).

Please re-read this and ask yourself if these are the words of a loving husband who cares about his wife. This is all stuff to shift the blame for his shitty behaviour on to you. Your daughter may be young but she is watching and learning from you, do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal in a marriage?

From another perspective...
I am ENglish but living in another county. i try to speak the language as much as possible but my pronunciation and grammer are not great. The other day in a bakery the assistant didnt understand what I asked for despite me repeating it 2 times. So I naturally repeated it the third time while shouting and swearing at her. Except... I didnt do that because Im not an arrogant dick. (And if I had behaved like that I would probably have been banned from the shop). It really is completely unacceptable for him to treat you like that.

He sounds a right prick. If my husband ever spoke to me like that he’d be under the fucking patio before he could say another word in any language.

You should leave, OP. This is not about your weight or how much effort you put into your marriage. This is about your husband being a cunt and that’s unlikely to change.

Hi OP

My husband is french. Been in the uk about the same time as yours but doesnt have too much of an accent.

Yes we sometimhave communication issues especially over words that are the same in both languages but mean different things. He will say something about the bin and I will hear 'bean' and wonder wtf he is talking about. Mostly its funny. Occasionally we will get a bit snappy with each other if we are tired and think the other is not listening (more me than him, he can't seem to listen and watch tv at the same time, I can).

He is proud of his country. But he also recognises that there are good things about the uk as well and speaking English as well as he can isnt going to make him any less french!

I dont think this is a culture thing. Other than thinking it's ok for men to wee in the street (doesnt think that any more) and being generally more socialist I don't think the two cultures are wildly different (pr any more different to say a rural farmer from aberdeenshire and a london city worker in the uk). I think its him being a nob. My husband had never sworn at me even though he gets passionate in arguments and he has never been rude or disrespectful. Ever. And neither have any of the other French people I've known or witnessed.

You didn't hear him. Thats all. And he swore at you then left the house saying you need to calm down. Wtf. Communication issues are not always anyones anyone's fault so why is he blaming you.

For the love of god never move to France with him unless its something you want to do anyway. You will never be able to bring your child back and you will be dependent on him which is toxic when your relationship isnt great. And one thing I have found about trying to learn french is that they dont hear as many accents as we are used to in the uk and unless your pronunciation is spot on, they will not understand you. Which is frustrating enough when you have a helpful supportive husband but I dread to think what would happen in your shoes.

He's just a nationalist twat really. I live in France (25 years) Bilingual kids born here. We are all binational. Happy to be both, not proud or ashamed.

@Italianmoma1983

He is French - isn’t he. The way you describe him makes him sounds French.

That and the fact she said a few posts up he was threatening to return to France.

That was a major giveaway

I get the language thing.

I met ExDP abroad. He'd lived there since he was a preschooler although born and bred British. His mum was English and step dad from that country.
He spoke English fairly fluently but with that counties accent. Even though he was born in england and spoke English with his English mum at home!

But the rest of the behaviour is odd. Him having a go because you couldn't understand a film he was discussing (I'm pure English and have had difficulty recalling films etc with my English friends!) and telling dd you need to sort yourself out is a us I've whether you recognise it or not.

Have a read about gaslighting and see if any of it resonates.

He's been here 20 years

He isn't staying because you've 'trapped' him with a young child, he was already resident here way before your DD came along.

He's just being an unpleasant Nationalist prick who's using the excuse of being French for his twattery and refusing to integrate or learn English because he's rather be a miserable prick

I bet he learns more than he lets on tbh...

He just enjoys pissing people off or getting irate when someone doesn’t understand his deliberate fuck up

well, I don't know. Our family is bilingual, everybody in the family speaks both languages well, kids included. It's non negotiable.

I don't think it's really acceptable he hasn't learnt English properly.

By the same token, I don't think it's fair you haven't learnt French properly either. It works both ways.

Plus, anglophones tend to be very arrogant and expect everybody to learn or speak English, when they often are the worst at learning other languages. I can see how that would grate!

The again the French are not much better! Tricky situation!

Maybe try to agree you will both make more of an effort? set out some time for language learning where you study French and he studies English?

Omg, you really need to wake up and see him for what he is and how your marriage is pretty shit. He’s a bastard. Don’t move anywhere with him. Work out how you can escape him. Put your dd first as he’s a dick.

Whatever you do please please do ot move to France. You will e so vulnerable there, and once you've moved DD out of the UK, if you want to return with her, you will likely need your DH's permission. Don't feel like you are obliged to give France a go because he tried England (his choice, he came as a single man, he was going to a job in England, you would be going to France with no job plans and a small child, good luck finding employment) or because you think all his problems are caused by being out of his home country (they're not, it's him, give in 18 months in France and it'll be a shithole that has gone to the dogs since he left, he'll be as grumpy as ever he was in England).

Please read up on parental alienation. This is what he's doing to your daughter saying 'mummy needs to sort herself out'. It will get worse. I wish I wasn't speaking from personal experience, but I am.

He seems to have contempt for you. You cannot fix this with counselling.

He doesn't sound nice but you seem to be looking for various ways to blame yourself, none of which sound convincing. It sounds like you're treading on egg shells and trying to placate him but the problem is his character

Well he sounds like a dick, and full of double standards. Do you ever call him out on them?