Was he BU to shout at me?

[JammyGem]

DH is not English, and has a very strong accent. He's lived here for nearly 20 years, and didn't speak any English when he arrived, so has learned from scratch. He's not quite fluent as he never actively tried to learn, just picked bits up. He is very proud of his nationality, and makes a point of not wanting to lose his accent or learn the rules of grammar etc.

Most people get what he means most of the time, with the odd misunderstanding. He does have a tendency to accuse people of being xenophobic if they don't understand him, but then sometimes he finds it funny to deliberate confuse people, so it depends what mood he's in as to whether he'll get annoyed.

This morning he asked me a question about a film we'd half-watched with DD and I didn't quite catch what he said, so asked him to repeat it. I still didn't understand so asked again- I was calm and cheery throughout, not wanting to make a big deal of it. He got irritated and told me to forget it. Then 5 minutes later after sitting in silence he shouted the question again, punctuated with lots of swearing. At least this time I understood! I answered, but took myself into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea as stupidly feeling a bit tearful.

I love him but this is just the latest in a long line of incidents caused by the language barrier. Whenever he gets annoyed (with me or DD or just in general) he'll start muttering in his language and when I tell him I find it disrespectful because I know he's moaning about me but I don't fully understand what he's saying, he just tells me it's not his fault I don't speak his language. I am learning his language but I'm not very good at it.

I don't know if this is normal when you're with someone whose first language is different from yours, and I'm feeling like even though its my fault and I understand he was frustrated, he didn't need to shout and swear, especially in front of DD.

He's now taken DD out for a walk because "mummy needs to sort herself out" - my being tearful has been blamed on PMS (tbf I am on my period), not taking my antidepressants (not true, I'm taking them) and on being tired (tired of him, yes).

I'll never forget early in my career I answered a call at work from a physician wanting to give me a verbal order but his English was so poor and accented I couldn't decipher what he was saying until he cussed me out then I was like "Finally,something I can understand!!!" It doesn't sound like he's a very happy person at all and I have empathy for you. Stay strong,don't let him push you around

I do not care more about my marriage than my daughter.

She is my world's. But I can't see how throwing away our relationship without first working on it would do her any good.

He has a great sense of humour and is brilliant with DD

Yeah he sounds like it.

@georgarina spot on.
I notice he's not gone out for a walk because he needs to calm down having shouted at OP.
Good luck OP. If you take anything away from this thread, please remember that it takes two to improve a relationship. Don't give up your own self in an attempt to fix it single handedly. You can't fix this on your own, with no effort from him, and if he's not willing to put the effort in there is nothing you can do on your own to make it work. Be decisive about it, at some point you might need to cut your losses. Don't stick around for 10 years and still be here hoping he'll change.

Being overweight doesn't change your personality or mean you are worth less than before. Stop making excuse for him. He sounds like an arse.

Hi OP any chance he is from Albania?

The whole point of muttering is so that tge other person doesn't gear you so what language he does it in is neither here nor there. Shouldn't have sworn at you though.

@JammyGem
I'm going to make more of an effort to learn French and more about his culture.

I wouldn't say he's lazy and hasn't bothered to learn, it's more that he's afraid of losing his own national identity.

Can I just ask why you think you should make more of an effort to learn French and his culture if he can't be bothered to properly learn the language of the country he has been living in for 20 years?

I'm sorry, but you don't lose your own national identity just because you learn and become fluent in another language.

Please stop blaming yourself and trying to find things you can do to sort your marriage out and see that he is disrespectful to you in front of your daughter and that he is the one that needs to make an effort. He is not brilliant with your daughter because he is teaching her that it's okay to shout at mummy and mutter under his breath in another language and then blame you for not learning his language. If you lived in France okay, but you live in the UK, so if he can't be bothered to properly learn the language then maybe he should learn to rant silently, like most respectful people do, not rant in another language on purpose to prove a point. A good sense of humour just doesn't outweigh the other stuff.

@Kaleidoscopecascade

Do not move to his country and lose your support system.

Absolutely not! Especially if he is the way he is. My exP spoke about this, only since having our DC, over my dead body!

He’s a dick. I mean it’s one thing wanting to keep your heritage alive, it’s quite another using it to confuse people and shouting at them when they understandable are confused. That and he shouldn’t be shouting and swearing at you anyway. He’s a prick by the sounds.

Is he French? I guessed that from your OP, but happy to stand corrected!
He just sounds like a bit of a dick, OP.

It seems he is French. Sorry, I should have read the full thread.

Hmm. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder and be resentful of his life here and this is his way of expressing it . He seems to be in the grass is always greener camp.

Does he have any French friends ? It might help him to keep in touch with his roots

In terms of moving to France , you wouldn't have to go back to his village. Lots of other cities where they are opportunities for angolophones.

I think formally leaning french would help you. You would feel more confident when he's muttering and you might be able to see it's not the language barrier that's the issue , but him.

Having said all of the above, respect is universal and don't use the language barrier as an excuse for accepting less than you deserve

OP are you reading any of the responses?

You're desire to placate and make things better are really worrying

And I wouldn't say slagging you off to a toddler is being wonderful with DD

He is abusive. Try reading your posts as if a friend had written them. What would you tell her ?

Can't believe what I've just read!!

I am reading the responses but I don't want to rush into leaving him without talking to him first. If we can come up with a plan together, and he can show that he is willing to make more of an effort, then surely that is better?

I don't think he even realises he's being "abusive", and I personally think that's too strong a word for what's happening.

I can understand that you want to give your marriage a good go. But do you notice that all the things you suggested involve you making an effort and putting in work and changing to fit, while there is no mention of him making any changes or putting in any work? He has to meet you half way. You wouldn't be the first woman who has twisted and turned and tried to make herself fit with a man who makes no effort himself, but it isn't a way to build a healthy and successful relationship.

Ah sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder, the accusing people of being xenophobic because they cant understand him, what a load of horse shit!

That’s not normal, my ex could speak Cantonese and English and despite how horrible he was in other ways. Never once did he use his language and my not understanding it, to talk about me or as a tool to berate me with. He also made it known to his family to speak English when in our hone and not to exclude me from conversations etc.

Your husband sounds like a very nasty person.

"He used to threaten to go back to his home country whenever we had an argument, but a couple years ago I called his bluff and started searching for a smaller place for me and DD. He apologised and hasn't used that threat since."

That's a very telling statement. And what it tells me is that if you push back, he backs down. He likes to throw his weight around, but at heart he's a coward and it's all bluster.

Start pushing back, @JammyGem. Take no crap. He will treat you how you allow him to treat you.

Just out of interest

Is he considering ways of improving your relationship?

Is he planning date nights?

Is he planning to lose that lockdown weight and get himself looking sexier for you

Or if he sitting there grumpy and leaving all the work and effort to you?

If you can answer this honestly, have a think about what the answer means and whether you're happy about that

[quote JammyGem]@TurquoiseDragon That's interesting you say that about being partly deaf - I also am partially deaf which obviously doesn't help matters![/quote]
And of course he knows that?

So yes, I definitely put him doown as selfish prick. He sounds a lot like my late, unlamented ex.

For those who have questioned OP learning his language, being deaf or partly deaf makes it really hard to learn another language. There are so many sounds I simply can't hear, even with hearing aids

@JammyGem

I am reading the responses but I don't want to rush into leaving him without talking to him first. If we can come up with a plan together, and he can show that he is willing to make more of an effort, then surely that is better?

I don't think he even realises he's being "abusive", and I personally think that's too strong a word for what's happening.

Abuse is not too strong a word. Women tie themselves into knots to avoid accusing someone of being abusive, we seek to minimise and excuse. Society teaches us that we have to put our own needs last as we grow up.

You are doing this, trying to find reasons for you to do all the changing but it doesn't look like you're holding him to account, with the exception of counselling.

Your DD would adapt to separated parents. Don't be like me, leaving my ex after 30 years and broken. Our DC ended up with MH issues, too.

Absolutely not normal that he behaves like that. He needs to learn to speak English well enough to be understood. FFS. I live in a trilingual household and none of us behave like that.
My colleague spent many years excusing her ex’s nasty behaviour as cultural differences. In the end she came to the conclusion that culture had nothing to do with it, because his family were lovely. He was merely an arse.
I am afraid your DH sounds like an arse too.

I wouldn't say he's lazy and hasn't bothered to learn, it's more that he's afraid of losing his own national identity

This is absolutely bonkers and sounds like an excuse tbh. How on earth does learning another language make you lose your national identity? Does he think that everyone who learns a second language loses their national identity? I speak 3 foreign languages and I haven't noticed myself getting less English!