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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law is a copycat.

143 replies

Loliie · 05/04/2021 09:50

Me and my partner moved into our first house over a year ago and we chose a lovely grey checked wallpaper for our feature wall in our livingroom. Everyone loved it except my MIL she hated it. But yesterday she sent us photos of her kitchen that has been freshly decorated with our exact wallpaper that she hated so much. Last year I bought myself new glasses and she said “they aren’t nice at all” and then she bought the same ones a few months later in a different colour. I’m unsure if she’s jealous or just a bitch

OP posts:
Bettina500 · 05/04/2021 11:21

She's rude but clearly jealous. Next time she makes a nasty comment on something you've bought just say you'll take it as a compliment going by the wallpaper and glasses Grin

BornOnTwelthNight · 05/04/2021 11:24

I get where you are coming from, as it’s not just copying, that can be dealt with easily. It’s the snippy remarks beforehand.

I’ve seen this in someone I know. She will make snide remarks about something and then do exactly the same. She also does this with thoughts and opinions, if someone feels strongly about something. She will disagree or say nothing. Then somewhere down the line will parrot exactly what was voiced previously as if they were her own original thoughts.

It’s Almost like she’s annoyed at herself that she didn’t have the insight to think for herself. So uses a put down (which can be downright nasty sometimes) to make herself feel better.
Then some time later does/says exactly the same thing but because some time has passed she thinks can pass it off as it being her own idea.
In her case I think it’s a total lack of confidence, insecurity and low self esteem so she needs to mirror other people as she genuinely can’t think for herself.

Annoying as it is, I think you just have to let it go or call your mil out and see how she responds.

couchparsnip · 05/04/2021 11:26

That's really odd. Even if she did hate it she didn't need to be rude about it. Why not just say 'that's nice dear' and be polite like a normal person!

And then to prove herself a liar by going out and buying the same thing is even more odd.

NeepNeepNeep · 05/04/2021 11:26

PinkiOcelot

OP if you’d posted this tomorrow, you’d probably have gotten totally different answers.

I agree with this

Templetreebalm · 05/04/2021 11:29

@ineedaholidaynow

if a friend/family member had new wallpaper and I didn't like it, I wouldn't be rude and make nasty comments about it. Who thinks that is ok?
Someone with no self esteem
Alsohuman · 05/04/2021 11:33

[quote Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady]@Loliie

I would probably call it "I don't like my MIL so have picked up on this inconsequential detail in order to complain about her, and get a lot of other MIL hating mumsnetters to agree with me"[/quote]
This. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

dropthedeadhorse · 05/04/2021 11:33

Annoying but just think how sad her life must be if she sees something you have, feels jealous of it and therefore tells you it’s awful... and then hankers after it for ages and buys it herself.

I’d be straight up about it but not in a nasty way ‘Your kitchen looks lovely. I’m surprised you went for the same wallpaper as us- you said you hated it!’

I would also have some fun. Maybe buy a hideous ornament and see if she copies. Then gift it to her seeing as she likes it so much she can have a matching set as you’ve gone off it.

Lalliella · 05/04/2021 11:34

Get something that anyone would think is hideous and see if she copies that!

I think she’s jealous of you OP, you should laugh it off. I agree with PPs about levelling.

Cinderellashoes · 05/04/2021 11:38

My mil did this. Slagged off my pale pink and grey bedroom. Then she moved house and had since decorated her bedroom in pale pink and grey. I made the mistake of telling her I wanted a particular headboard. Guess which headboard she brought before I’d had chance Grin

SpaceBatAngelDragon · 05/04/2021 11:42

OP, I think your situation is a variation on the common workplace situation: where you suggest an idea, it is dismissed by someone more senior/another team member, and then a short time later, the same person presents your exact idea as their fantastic idea, and claim it was always theirs to begin with. It's utterly maddening.

DarkMatterA2Z · 05/04/2021 11:42

Your MIL sounds annoying and you sound quite young. Either that or you have too much time on your hands.

SpaceBatAngelDragon · 05/04/2021 11:43

It's about keeping you in place, whilst leeching off your good ideas. Power games.

JokeTheCoalman · 05/04/2021 11:44

Nothing to worry about unless she wants same partner as you

CruCru · 05/04/2021 11:48

She does sound a bit weird (and not terribly nice). however, the problem is it is really, really hard to decide for sure whether someone is copying you or just following whatever is fashionable. Stuff like glasses in particular - my local optician only had a few styles that would suit me and my daughter (very similar colouring) got some extremely similar to mine. At one point it seemed as though every other car on my street was a silvery grey VW Golf.

Are you able to just ignore? If you mention it, she'll only get defensive (and it will get worse).

Calmyertits · 05/04/2021 11:51

We have a similar problem but with our pets. We get fish, the in-laws get fish, fish are deemed too much work and gotten rid of. We have chickens, they get chickens, chickens are deemed too noisy and eat their plants. I then get dumped with rehoming their chickens. We have a dog, they decide they want the same type and are now saving to get one. Annoying as well as horribly irresponsible as they cant properly care for any of them as they dont have a clue!

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2021 11:52

@Loliie

Me and my partner moved into our first house over a year ago and we chose a lovely grey checked wallpaper for our feature wall in our livingroom. Everyone loved it except my MIL she hated it. But yesterday she sent us photos of her kitchen that has been freshly decorated with our exact wallpaper that she hated so much. Last year I bought myself new glasses and she said “they aren’t nice at all” and then she bought the same ones a few months later in a different colour. I’m unsure if she’s jealous or just a bitch
'Bitch'?

Nice

Wendyhause · 05/04/2021 11:55

I realise the point of the OP so agree it is rude to put down to someone's face their choice of decor or clothes/names etc. but even more bizarre to then go and buy/choose the same! Wacky behaviour! I go into homes and see choices I would never make but am not so bad mannered as to pull a face and say yuk. My own home has items and colours I like and my tastes are somewhat unusual sometimes but I would not expect others to be negative about it.
One of my children has a name I liked and it is not unusual, more so very common and one family member looked at me in shock and said "you are really calling her that!?" and I just replied yes I am and smiled.

AliceMadHatter · 05/04/2021 11:58

@Alreadyinmypyjamas

Feature walls are crap. Use this as an excuse to get rid of it.
I'll be watching @Alreadyinmypyjamas for more interior design tips.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/04/2021 12:00

This. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

‘Ooh, I love your wallpaper; it’s exactly the sort of thing I’ve been looking for!’ = flattery.

‘What the bloody hell is that monstrosity on your wall? Did you pay actual money for that revolting tat? You’ve been conned’ - six months before putting up said wallpaper = bloody rude and frankly creepy.

What is people aren’t getting about the difference?!

Snooop · 05/04/2021 12:00

I'm unsure if she's jealous or just a bitch

I don't hate her

Course you don't. Just brace yourself for the day when your DS marries a woman just like you

Sansaplans · 05/04/2021 12:01

Why would she be doing it 'to be a bitch', that makes no sense at all. I agree it's annoying and sounds like she went out of her way to say it was horrible which is uneccessary when she evidently liked it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/04/2021 12:02

@MissTT85

My mother in law is similar, if I say I have a headache so does she, if I am going to buy by daughter something she gets in there before me. If I like something it will be her new obsession. She even said I had a Hypo the other day knowing I have gestational diabetes and she doesn't. The list goes on, it did used to bother me but now I realise it is her that has that 'I am not good enough going on' its her issue not mine. I know it is annoying, you can either ask the question why do you keep doing that or just leave them to it and try not to let it bother you.
I would hand her a bottle of paracetamol and say "Here you are MIL - You might need these because Im just coming down with a headache.'
murbblurb · 05/04/2021 12:02

she has the mentality of an 8 year old. You (hopefully) do not. Ignore and go low contact.

no reason for the copying to worry you. The nasty comments are unpleasant, hence minimise the contact. Your partner should support you in this.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/04/2021 12:03

Are many people ignoring the fact that the MIL is being nasty/rude about the choices OP makes. It’s not just the fact she copies what she does.

AliceMadHatter · 05/04/2021 12:06

@ineedaholidaynow

Are many people ignoring the fact that the MIL is being nasty/rude about the choices OP makes. It’s not just the fact she copies what she does.
Yes, she sounds really rude and a bit weird.