I'm so lonely

[indecis]

Posting for traffic, it's not much of an AIBU. Had a horrible conversation with my boyfriend last night and I can't even begin to find the words to tell my friends. So now I just feel very isolated and alone. The conversation was basically me saying I felt sick, him asking if I was pregnant then spending a good 10 minutes telling me it would ruin his life if I was (not something I want either but let's be honest, accidents can happen even when I'm on the pill) followed by him telling me to get an abortion. I don't think I am pregnant as it happens but will do a test in the morning to find out, the pill I'm on means I never have periods so it's understandably a bit worrying if I suddenly feel sick. However - wow, way to jump the gun. I don't really want to think about whether to leave him or not at the moment, just need a hand hold to be honest. And to say it out loud.

@indecis I just wanted to say that your tone has completely changed since you first started posting - you sound like you're in a calm, sensible frame of mind now and ready to make the big decisions you need to. I'm sure you'll make the right call, whatever that turns out to be.

I hope things work out for you in the best possible way.

Compassion and concern for your partner’s health is an absolutely vital characteristic in a life partner.
Even aside from the pregnancy reaction, which was awful, his lack of kindness and concern when you’re ill is staggering.

@loffie oh good, I feel so much calmer and more together :) just having this much support and being able to talk things through and get different perspectives has helped enormously. I know I've got a pretty tough day ahead of me but I feel so much more prepared than I did previously. Credit to you all for the hand hold and advice!

@thelegohooverer he's a bit tough love when it comes to stuff like that - total opposite to me! It's nice to know I'm not just being a wimp but I will hold my hands up, I accepted that about him when we first got together. His methods are harsh but he has toughened me up which I needed, it means I get walked over less, and don't just cry when someone's mean! My kids cry less than me, I'm a softy!

@indecis I'm sure it is going to be a tough day, but you can deal with this. You've calmed down, you've reflected - in your gut, you know what you want to do next, even if you can't articulate it right now. As you get more information - a pregnancy test, a conversation with your partner - you'll know what you really want to do. Don't second-guess yourself, your subconscious has already done all the processing.

Life is messy and we sometimes make choices that surprise us, but we all just need to make decisions we can live with. You do you, and we'll support you either way.

Will be thinking of you today.

"Crikey, if he thinks I want a baby he hasn't been listening! I've only told him about 20 times I don't. Told him 20 times I don't want to live with him as well so I hope he doesn't suddenly decide to ignore that too!"

Ok so maybe revisit the conversation you had with him where you both decided to stop doubling up on contraception. Seems an odd thing to do.

With 4 kids between you it seems bonkers to take the risk of another one. He sounds a bit thick tbh, not sure I would even waste the time dumping him. You've only been together 2 minutes anyway and your kids haven't met him so no harm done there.

Get rid of the boyfriend or you'll be unhappy forever with him.

Not much to add - others have been far more eloquent than me, but just wanted to say that I think you're absolutely right to prioritise caring and empathy in a relationship. I've always said that I look for intelligence, kindness and humour in a relationship (and a nice arse...). What's the point of a partner who doesn't want to look out for you when you're ill?

[quote indecis]@DianaT1969 Crikey, if he thinks I want a baby he hasn't been listening! I've only told him about 20 times I don't. Told him 20 times I don't want to live with him as well so I hope he doesn't suddenly decide to ignore that too!

I don't think there's much to continue from my perspective. His lack of care along with my realisation of our totally different perspectives has pretty much cemented it. As soon as I've done the test and assuming it is actually negative (may need to rethink the plan otherwise) I'm just going to text him, tell him and leave it there. If he wants to have a conversation I will because I'd always want the same in return. I certainly won't be chasing him for a response. I need to stay true to myself and he needs to do what's right for him. [/quote]
Well said

OP as a single mother of 2, how did you get the time to date when your youngest was 6 months old? No judgement, just genuine curiosity.

Quick update, I've done a pregnancy test and as I thought, I'm not pregnant. So I've texted him to say that and nothing else. I've got my kids this afternoon and will be taking them to my parents' house so have plenty to keep me busy, I'll give some thought to him when it suits me. He doesn't get to occupy my thoughts during family time :)

@1Micem0use

Even though my ex was awful to me I know he's a good dad and I'm a big believer in 50/50 childcare so I have a few nights to myself!

You sound really, really lovely OP. Your instincts are spot on and you clearly always put your DC first.

You’ve got this

@nonevernotever well exactly. As the biggest drama queen when I'm ill as well it feels like a pretty important quality in a man to be ready with dry toast / chicken soup / chocolate / sympathetic hugs ;)

I'm only half joking as well, nothing nicer than being spoilt :) I'd do the sympathetic hugs if it were the other way round as well, not sure my cooking would make anyone feel better...!

Glad you took my statement the way it was intended. You seem so balanced and really have shown where your limits are. He has not come up to your standards and so he has to accept that the relationship is over . Luckily , you don't seem too invested and will be fine . You are so right not to comprise , so many women do and live to regret it.

@TheSockMonster oh thank you, how nice of you to say! I was feeling so utterly rubbish earlier and this has all given me such a boost of confidence! I'm just so glad I trusted my instincts and didn't have him around my kids, they deserve SO much more

Find out what you need to find out. Then look for someone who will cherish and value you more than this twat clearly doesn't.

@Stillfunny my kids' dad was truly awful and I stayed longer than I should have. It took one look of terror on my eldest daughter's face and I was out the door. I never want them to think they have to put up with bad boyfriend behaviour, I only ever want them to think they deserve the best. Life knocks you down enough, the more I can build them up the better! Slightly off topic there, I was getting to - walking away from him, marriage, a home etc and not really talking about it much to most people (so I got the blame) makes it much easier to walk away from a boyfriend I've only had for a few months and no financial or childcare ties to! I also really enjoy being single as I'm a huge girls girl and would much rather have a cocktail and a gossip than a date!

He's an idiot and a very unkind one. Dump him both for being dumb as fuck and for being an arsehole. We all need company, get lonely, look for companionship, there's nothing wrong with dating and then realising that the person is a bit of a bellend and it's time to move on.

@Steptoeshorse1965 I find it quite tricky sometimes, I'm pretty laid back and tend to find I can get on with most people (never met a silence I can't fill!). I always go for men who I think are the same - confident, outgoing and so on. It's not worked out so far, I might try the second loudest man in the room next time! It'll be a while before I'm ready, I love being with my kids, love being with my friends and love being on my own so genuinely don't mind being single. Crikey, is it time to buy a cat or two? I'm more of a dog person...!

Loud in general might be the problem, it says so much, but hides so much more at times. You sound lovely and you will find the way which suits you.

@WhereamI88 I think it hurts more because he knows I'm a massive softy. I'd love to eventually meet someone that realises you only really need to poke me and I fall over, I'm such a wimp. It's possible I need to toughen up but I somehow feel I'd then not be me... I'm not in any rush to date and I think it's healthier for my head that I don't for a while. I might as well wait for lockdown part 982 to finish as well, then I can go on dates that aren't literal walks in the park. Great exercise though I imagine if you date enough people!

Tbh dating became more fun for me when I stopped looking at every man as a potential boyfriend/husband. Once I decided I was good enough and started looking at what they could do for ME, dating became less stressful and I was less heartbroken every time a guy turned out to be an arsehole or just selfish and inconsiderate. Just go for dates for the purpose of company/fun for an evening/weekend/holiday.

@Steptoeshorse1965 thank you, that's so nice of you to say :) I have my moments I promise (don't we all!). I'm going to take my time, enjoy being single, having two amazing daughters and summer's round the corner which always makes things seem better. I'll see if someone comes along in the meantime but I'm definitely not going to worry if he doesn't. Having said that, ask me again in a year or so, I might not sound quite so chill about it...!

@WhereamI88 I've always liked the initial dating bit, I'm a huge flirt, can talk for England and love finding out about people :) I somehow seem to attract men that just stick around until we're in a relationship so my aim when I do get back to dating is to make actual, conscious decisions based on what I want, not just falling into relationships because I like someone, fancy him and get on with him. Higher standards from now on!