I'm so lonely

[indecis]

Posting for traffic, it's not much of an AIBU. Had a horrible conversation with my boyfriend last night and I can't even begin to find the words to tell my friends. So now I just feel very isolated and alone. The conversation was basically me saying I felt sick, him asking if I was pregnant then spending a good 10 minutes telling me it would ruin his life if I was (not something I want either but let's be honest, accidents can happen even when I'm on the pill) followed by him telling me to get an abortion. I don't think I am pregnant as it happens but will do a test in the morning to find out, the pill I'm on means I never have periods so it's understandably a bit worrying if I suddenly feel sick. However - wow, way to jump the gun. I don't really want to think about whether to leave him or not at the moment, just need a hand hold to be honest. And to say it out loud.

He's got 2 kids, as have I. We both said from the start we didn't want any more so all good and on the same page. I think the hurt came from him telling me I'd be ruining his life so must get an abortion... but he wants to have a kid with me in a year. Well that's a straight up no, I've maintained throughout that I have my two girls, I'm happy with that, I don't want anymore. He seemed to be suggesting I was somehow planning it. I have a full enough life, it's the last thing on my mind which I thought he knew. It feels weird that he doesn't seem to trust me, although hasn't done anything about contraception and has just left it to me!

Apologies if I came across as harsh.

I was just wondering about the wisdom of bringing an unrelated man into a situation with two very young children - and the thinking of any man who would consider it normal to show up expecting some kind of sexual relationship with a woman who is in early motherhood.

And why would it be any different after a year? Very odd.

I'm in my 60s btw, so different generational standards possibly.

Can I ask to anyone still awake - what part of this would be the offensive bit?

1. That, when something stressful happened, his first and only thought was for himself (it would ruin his life!)

1. That he thought a baby with you would "ruin" his life. Bit rude.

1. That he "told" you to get an abortion. Your body, not his

1. That, if pregnancy would be such a disaster, he didn't take charge of contraception, what an idiot. Should be apologising to you.

1. That weird thing about wanting to have a baby in a year. Probably a lie because how does a year change something from a disaster to an okay plan?

1. His general manner was disrespectful from the sound of it.

I don't want to judge and say you were harsh although it did feel that way to be honest so I appreciate you explaining. I understand your point of view. I haven't introduced him to my children as my partner, although I think my eldest has met him once or twice in a wider circle of friends (pre lockdown in a group of 10 at a guess) but wouldn't think anything of it. I don't see him when I have my kids, I'm very protective about keeping them away from anyone I might ever be seeing until I feel like it's properly serious - moving in serious really. And even then it'd be really, really slow, definitely not just moving some random guy in!

As for why he was interested in me when I had a 6 month old - we both said we didn't want a relationship at all but it felt like I'd known him forever from day 1, I'd been single for a year as well.

@Doona

Thank you, that really helps to unravel the knots my brain has tied itself into, I feel like I have more clarity. Number 1 and 3 are the big issues for me I think.

He's been honest. You know where you stsnd. Up to you where to go next.

I think you want us to tell you this situation is ok so you aren't faced with the possibility of having to ditch this loser.

@RedHelenB

Ok, appreciate that input as I probably haven't considered his point of view much when I'm feeling hurt. I guess it just would have been nice if he'd told me he was stressed about it (as am I) and we could have had a conversation rather than what felt like a one sided decision.

You are right though, I know fully where he stands and I can't ever say he wasn't honest at least! We've always been very upfront with each other and I would hate to think he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. For me personally I probably need a bit more support out of a relationship but I guess that's my stance, it just happens to differ from his.

He sounds awful but first and foremost, you say you feel ill and the first thing he thinks about is himself. Not a care in the world for you. I would move on from him tbh and that's before all the baby crap he spouted.

@savethatkitty01

I don't want anyone to say it's ok, I initially posted as felt like I couldn't tell my friends (I may need to work out why that is another time) and felt isolated. I also really needed to vent! I'm trying to wrap my head around it, I think I actually need reassurance that finding it inexcusable is ok rather than the opposite. Part of what has helped last night / this morning is separating it as a PP did so I could work out what is actually bothering me. It came so out of the blue that I just sat there going, 'eh?!' and couldn't work out which bit hurt. If everyone posted saying I was overreacting and it was fine I might have to have a rethink but it's all pretty much in line with my thoughts. It's just nice sometimes to know there are people to bounce ideas / situations off and make sure you're not just going slightly crazy!

Even if you are not pregnant, please don’t sweep this under the carpet. His response has not been supportive or pleasant.

This has really helped me to clarify my thoughts and work out the direct issue - he didn't bother to listen, consider or care at all about me. All about him. I think I've been worrying about overreacting to this singular situation when actually it's much more than that. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't even consider me, or have the respect to have a conversation with me.

If I am pregnant I think I need to sort my head out first anyway as he can be quite overbearing in his views and I really don't want to get led down a path I don't agree with. If I'm not pregnant I think this might be quite an easy decision, although not an easy conversation as I'm an absolute wimp when it comes to ending relationships!

@Tish008

He does sound awful! Ha. I would never say he's all bad because he's not, he can be absolutely lovely. As can I, and I still have my moments! It doesn't justify this, he's been very upfront about who he is and I can take it or leave it. Fair enough really, I'd rather know! The answer is obviously leave it, I'd like to think I respect myself enough to find a man who cares about me, or to just be single actually!

i’d suggest to him that if you becoming pregnant is that much of an issue for him, he either uses a condom every time or he doesn’t have sex. What a twat.

@Whatisthisfuckery

He's decided no sex is the way to go. I couldn't agree more!

Behaviour like this would make my vagina clamp shut for eternity. His personality can be his own birth control.

I'll update once I know by the way! Whether anyone is interested or not... I know how nosy I am, I like to know the outcome!

And a huge thank you to you all, it's helped so much and got me through a night of insomnia I'd have struggled with.

@HeeeeeyBogie LOVE that! Most effective birth control I've come across actually!

@doona has got it spot on. This is a man who cares only about himself. He didn't consider for a single second how you might be feeling.

To say nothing of the fact he's completely neurotic. Feeling slightly queasy does not equal pregnant. Where did he get that from? A hangover or a dodgy takeaway or simply catching a bug are all much more likely reasons.

I'd dump him for all the reasons above, but first, why not have a little fun to teach him a lesson . Rather than ringing him when you've done your test, don't ring him. Let him stew for an hour or two. I'd be interested to see how long will it take for him to ring you?

I hope you feel better soon

Going to play the other side here. Wait and see what he says next. You were worried that you were overreacting, maybe he did too. It could have been a knee jerk reaction .His mind could have raced straight to the practicalities of it . The financial, the contact with his own DCs, the living situation, etc...

Only you know the tone , his demeanor in the conversation. If he is remorseful and otherwise a good guy, perhaps there is no need to end the relationship.

@Mintjulia

I'm just so not that person, it'll probably annoy me far more than him! I just want to be upfront, honest and myself. So, it'll go like this:

Not pregnant: Hi. I'm not pregnant.
Pregnant: Turns out I'm pregnant. Call me so we can talk but please bear in mind this is as unexpected to me as it is to you and we should both be involved in what happens next.

If he contacts me before I get chance to even do a test I won't even reply. What would be the point?!

He sounds immature and lacking in empathy. He also has poor communication skills.

Of course he can also be kind, caring and loving, he just can’t be those things consistently. You don’t have to hate him, you just have to realise he probably can’t change and any relationship with him will be hard work and peppered with these little sulks and tantrums.

Speaking of lack of empathy and poor communication skills, commenting about the OP’s ‘poor kids’ and ‘dystopian’ lifestyle on a thread titled ‘I’m so lonely’ is unbelievably tone deaf. There are real people behind the words that appear on your screen.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Well at least you know who he is now. He's hopefully single.

I don't know if men have become more entitled around this but when I was in non-marriage relationships and had scares, the men were stressed but supportive. They knew the only correct response was, "what do you want to do, I'm here for you regardless?" Now every second thread is some bloke thinking he has a vote. And some women supporting them with that.

I've noticed this too it really pisses me off

@Stillfunny

I appreciate the devil's advocate so to speak. I think he meant it but out of stress rather than just evil bastardness (may have made that word up but I like it!). He lost my respect when he told me I should have an abortion, for me that's a conversation. I'm completely pro choice and genuinely believe the father should have a say, this was just more like being dictated to. I know it's my body, my say but if he really wanted an abortion I'd try to respect his opinion if I didn't agree. That's why it would be a conversation.

For me personally, and I appreciate we're all different, I'm struggling to deal with even the possibility of being pregnant on my own so it's more the lack of support that bothers me.

At the end of the day - you can be married 10 years or together for 2 days and either way come across something that divides you. I think unfortunately this might be that but I'll hear him out if he wants to discuss it. May just need some time to work out what I think first!

Please don't take this as criticism, I really appreciate what you've said as it's made me think. That's exactly what I need so thank you!