I'm so lonely

[indecis]

Posting for traffic, it's not much of an AIBU. Had a horrible conversation with my boyfriend last night and I can't even begin to find the words to tell my friends. So now I just feel very isolated and alone. The conversation was basically me saying I felt sick, him asking if I was pregnant then spending a good 10 minutes telling me it would ruin his life if I was (not something I want either but let's be honest, accidents can happen even when I'm on the pill) followed by him telling me to get an abortion. I don't think I am pregnant as it happens but will do a test in the morning to find out, the pill I'm on means I never have periods so it's understandably a bit worrying if I suddenly feel sick. However - wow, way to jump the gun. I don't really want to think about whether to leave him or not at the moment, just need a hand hold to be honest. And to say it out loud.

@TheSockMonster

I don't think I have it in me to hate someone (I've been tested!) and certainly don't hate him. I'm very empathetic and can understand that this doesn't come from a malicious place, it comes from an emotional one. I think this might just come down to irreconcilable differences as I can't find a way to accept the lack of support and quite brutal way he put it across. I'm a big wimp though so he can probably find a woman who'll tell him to piss off! It's just not me. I like to think I know myself quite well and I need a big softy who'll give me a hug :) each to their own and I respect that.

I was taken aback by that comment and did say so. If you scroll down a bit further it was clarified and I understood a bit better. I'm a big believer in never putting anyone else down but again - that's just me. Other people may be tougher, less wimpy and able to dish it out as well as take it. I genuinely felt very low and very alone and honestly just needed company. Pretty much everyone has been nothing but kind and I appreciate it enormously!

Thing is though, biology dictates that you either do or don't have an abortion, were you to be pregnant, so a conversation about it and respecting his opinion doesn't really come to anything if you would go ahead anyway. Assuming you're not, and if you were otherwise very happy, I would have one conversation to see if he appreciates that his reaction was v selfish and wrong and if not, time to move along. I certainly wouldn't be saying yes to a sex free relationship if that's his serious solution.

@RaeRaeMama

I'd like to think, and live by the premise, that men don't necessarily get a vote but deserve a voice. I'm happy to hear the other side of this (love a good debate!) but when it comes to kids I would always want the input. If we're talking about a vote in the sense that they can decide for themselves and the woman then no, definitely not. However I think there are a few decent blokes out there who can be respectful, supportive and caring. If it's a complete accident / surprise then I'd hope they were involved in the conversation.

Just dump the twat.

@HugeAckmansWife

I highly doubt his random sex ban will last long. Mine definitely will, he's genuinely hurt me and that, along with feeling like he doesn't care, has made this a serious problem for me.

When it comes to abortion - yes, it's going to end up being the woman's choice for obvious reasons! The conversation I personally would want is to both talk it out, consider what having a baby would mean, looking at all angles and then if abortion is the decision it's one we enter into together. As it took two of us to create the situation! That's my ideal though, I know it's rarely that simple. I love to hear other perspectives, it engages (distracts) my brain!

@SunIsComing

I felt very alone and confused about how I felt but I LOVE that comment. Made me laugh! Which I need right now!

I agree, he was only thinking of himself and the implications for him.
Maybe wait and see what he has to say for himself today after he's had time to think about it and that should give you a clearer idea of whether he's worth staying with or not.
Good luck!

Have you discussed accidental pregnancy before?

If you both have children and don't want anymore, relying on the pill seems a bit high risk if you're not OK with getting an abortion. It would be much simpler for him to get the snip.

If just the idea of you getting pregnant stresses him out this much, it really does sound like the time for him to think about how much he doesn't want to be a father again, and to research getting a vasectomy. And I mean that truthfully, not as a dig. A bit of panic is understandable, but reacting in such an unpleasant way suggests he has a deep-rooted desire to not have another child, and that's got to outweigh the fear of a common op, surely. It would give him more control over his future.

He was very unkind.

You told him you were having a lie down because you felt under the weather, and he jumped into what you have to do to make him be ok.

Take pregnancy out of it, and the potential trauma of a termination (which would be an option for many women but a total trauma for others), and it's still really unkind. With the possible pregnancy it goes from an unkind response to a really nasty one!

@loffie Believe it or not, he is very vocal, including in this situation, that he wants us to have a child in a year or so. The pill suits me personally but I've never even suggested he not wear a condom etc, obviously we did initially and it was his suggestion to stop. So did all the tests etc (how romantic but I personally need it be a full relationship and also need to know all is ok) and agreed that I'd stay on the pill. I didn't even know he was thinking about a baby at ANY point in the future. It makes it even more confusing that he's so pro-abortion now!

@picklemewalnuts

This whole conversation has really helped me to clarify my jumbled up brain! That's what it comes down to though - it was just unkind. I'm sure plenty of women would tell him to piss off and not even give it a second thought but that's just not me. I'm a total wimp and I think this has made me realise he's not a bad person (we all mess up / say the wrong thing / act like total dicks from time to time) but it's just not right.

I feel like I should be angry but I've never been good at that, I'm just genuinely sad about this whole thing because I love him and I don't want him to have ever said it :( and now if I end it I have to hurt him which is the last thing in the world I want to do.

As you don't get angry and stand up for yourself (me too, by the way), it's really easy for someone to walk all over you without even noticing.

He's just demonstrated that he's thoughtless and selfish unless reminded not to be.

You need someone who will think about you, what you like, what you want, what you need.

I accidentally married someone who I thought was considerate- he wasn't, he just had a few good manners! It's taken me years to learn to push and shove to get my preferences taken into account. Initially we just defaulted to his and as he's stubborn, there we stayed!

@indecis I'm a bit baffled as to why he would love a baby in a year's time, but one would ruin his life now. Something doesn't add up... I don't suppose he's at risk of redundancy or similar at the moment?

His reaction is disproportionate. If he can't offer an explanation (and I mean explanation, not justification) for his behaviour, you don't have anything to work with other than the one remaining deduction that he's just an ass.

I would do a test, but I wouldn’t tell him the result yet, let him think about what he has said to you and when (hopefully, you are not pregnant), just tell him, I told you I wasn’t pregnant.

It’s still early days in your relationship and you’ve both been through a lot recently. I would just take anything at a really slow pace.

@picklemewalnuts somewhat ironically I work in law and have no problem standing up for myself then! I think it's because it's very rational with no emotion and there's a framework so to speak of what to do. I'm empathetic to a fault so struggle to argue, I just end up worrying I'll hurt the other person whilst they say whatever they want to me! I can hold my own in a debate, I think I just need someone who understands how easy it is to hurt me... or understands and doesn't then use it as a weapon! I get told to toughen up a lot but I don't want to change who I am, us wimps have to stick together!

Yes, for me love is about thinking about what the other person likes and helping it happen. That's great when it's going both ways, pants if it's not.

@loffie I'm equally confused! I want to be in the best mindset possible for a conversation with him so didn't question it at the time as I wanted to process it all. For him to repeatedly remind me he told me from the start he didn't want any more kids - I said the same, we both have 2 with our exes and I personally am happy to stop there - but 2 minutes later tell me he does want a baby but not for a year... eh?! I think he might just be living in fantasy land, I didn't even plan on living with him for a good few years and thought I made it extremely clear I didn't want any more children but evidently not as he seems to think I'm trying to get pregnant now! It's hard that we're on such different pages. Prior to last night I had accepted that being on the pill meant there was a slim chance I could get pregnant. At that point, we'd have a conversation and make a decision together. Apparently he was thinking it definitely couldn't happen until a year from now when I'd just happily pop out a baby or two. 4 kids between us is enough for me! I've got this test to do today and that will determine my next move but if it's negative I think we need to accept we want very different things!

@Mindymomo

I thought we were, this has all come out of nowhere for me. Maybe on his mind? It's far too early for me to consider him as anything but my boyfriend who I see when my kids aren't with me. If he's thinking about a baby in a year I'm genuinely baffled as to where he thinks we'll live, it'll take years until I'd ready for someone to move into my house with my kids. It'll take a long while before I'll even let them meet someone as my partner! We're about as opposite as you could imagine and I like to think we understand each other's viewpoints at least but this one has me stumped!

^^ You said this earlier on:

I initially posted as felt like I couldn't tell my friends (I may need to work out why that is another time) and felt isolated.

A good friend has recently left her partner and has begun to talk about various things he did or said over the years which, had she talked about them at the time, we'd have all told her were huge red flags. We thought she was happy, but she was hiding things that would have painted him in a bad light. She wanted everything to be okay, and if she didn't tell anyone about the things that were wrong, she could maintain that illusion.

What I'm trying to say is, if there are things that you wouldn't want to tell your friends, that's pretty significant.

Good luck for today, hope you're feeling better by now.

Sorry, OP. I think when someone has made you feel happy and close to them, and you're cautiously optimistic about the future, you really come down with a big bump when they come out with something like this.

I had a situation early in a relationship where the guy, who had been super keen and seemed like such a catch, just showed no empathy and read me the riot act as if I was a 7 year-old. I remember being so devastated because I really liked him but felt in my bones that there was something badly wrong with him and we weren't going to make it.

We had so much going for us, I'd been so lonely before, and he earned my trust back. Three years later, the whole thing imploded because of the same issues I'd seen a glimpse of at the start. So my gut had been right. I hadn't told my friends about it either, I think because I knew they'd think less of him and maybe me too for staying.

@mintessa

I agree completely, it's a huge concern that I feel this isolated and unable to speak to anyone. I can't even explain why, the only thing I can think is that pregnancy and abortion are usually kept between a couple. This somehow crosses the boundaries of bad boyfriend behaviour (friend chat) and stuff that people often prefer to keep quiet (not friend chat)! If you see what I mean. I kept both of my previous pregnancies quiet until the 3 month mark, literally only the parents knew. Oh, and anyone that noticed I stopped drinking wine (might not have been the secret I thought it was actually!).

It's an odd one, almost like a taboo subject. I normally feel comfortable speaking to my close friends about things but I wanted to keep this private. Then to have my boyfriend not even want to be around made me feel isolated. You've got me thinking now!

Thank you anyway, I feel so much better for being able to vent / chat and get so much support. It's honestly lovely :)

If I was you the main issue to me would be that someone I thought I was falling in love with had completely pulled the rug from under me. It would screw my belief system - am I that bad a judge of character that I thought this person was worth something and I was worth something to them. But actually they have now shown their true colours. How can you ever trust them again?

@deeplyambivalent

Ahhhh that's hit the nail on the head! Deep down gut instinct that he's not right but I let myself be blinded by how much we fitted together in the weirdest way. Then I fell in love and ignored it a bit more! I love him more than any ex and I think I've been convincing myself it must be right since. Ouch. I think I might go back to being happily single!

I think he talked about a baby next year to throw you a bone. He thinks it would help persuade you to have an abortion if you were pregnant. Because in his mind, you would want this baby (he may think you did it on purpose). By promising a "better, planned baby" in a year, he thinks you won't cling onto this pregnancy as a 'last chance' trap him baby.
The speed and gut reflex with which he came out with all this stuff makes me think he has been in this situation before.
I think you would be unwise to continue any type of relationship with him. As to how to tell him. Take the test, wait for him to get in touch. Tell him the answer. Tell him that you see him in a new light and that you don't want him in your life.

@DianaT1969 Crikey, if he thinks I want a baby he hasn't been listening! I've only told him about 20 times I don't. Told him 20 times I don't want to live with him as well so I hope he doesn't suddenly decide to ignore that too!

I don't think there's much to continue from my perspective. His lack of care along with my realisation of our totally different perspectives has pretty much cemented it. As soon as I've done the test and assuming it is actually negative (may need to rethink the plan otherwise) I'm just going to text him, tell him and leave it there. If he wants to have a conversation I will because I'd always want the same in return. I certainly won't be chasing him for a response. I need to stay true to myself and he needs to do what's right for him.