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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my 30 year old brother needs to be more independent?

89 replies

NatMoz · 04/04/2021 20:52

My brother lives at home with my parents. He does own a house but rents it out, preferring to live with parents. The rental is arranged by my dad via an estate agents. Anything that goes wrong, my dad sorts out. My brother just gets the rental money.

At home, my parents do everything for him. He has his own car but my dad drops him off at the station to go to work as the free park and ride parking is too rough to leave a car.

They are retired but will only arrange holidays if my brother can come and only ever weekend breaks as he can't get lifts to and from train station/needs feeding.

If I spend the day with them midweek they have to rush back to pick him up.

Additionally, they cook, clean, do washing, pack his suitcase if going on holiday, make his lunch for work etc.

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

There is going to be a time as my parents get older where they are the ones who will be cared for but the way things are going I'll be also burdened with caring for my brother too!?

I can see the long term problems of this current set up but speaking to my parents about it is impossible.

My mum claims he can cook and cleans the bathroom better than my dad but cooking 1 meal a week and a bathroom once every 6 months isn't the same as keeping up with the general housework.

Talking to him about everything ever equates to a non committal, wishy washy response. 'don't you fancy giving dad a break for once regarding giving you a lift? 'nah I'm taking it easy today'.

Don't you want to do this thing? Hmmm maybe next time

Etc

I don't really know what to do, or if it's a case of not interfering and letting everyone just get on with it?

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Let me know I have nothing to worry about and should keep out of it.

OP posts:
SpongeCakeAddict · 04/04/2021 20:54

He sounds like my other half to some extent. I genuinely had no idea he's never done anything for himself. Hers nearly fifty and incapable of learning (I don't stop trying to push him)

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2021 20:56

"Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?"

Not in and of itself, but coupled with everything else you've said I think I would be slightly put off.

TorringtonDean · 04/04/2021 20:57

Has he some learning difficulties? Is that why they are protecting him?

LemmysAceCard · 04/04/2021 21:01

As soon as your parents get to an age where they need looking after, your brother will bail and move into his own house leaving you to care for your parents.

Mindymomo · 04/04/2021 21:01

Both my 2 adult DS’s are still at home aged 25 and 29. The younger cooks for himself, he had a girlfriend for 3 years some time ago, but he isn’t bothered at the moment in finding another. My eldest sounds like your brother, but different in that he nows drives himself to work as he isn’t near a train station now. I think apart from it being very expensive to buy a property on their own, they have everything they need at home. In my road there are about 6 adult children still at home, 2 of them in their late 40’s.

Flappityflippers1 · 04/04/2021 21:02

I could have written this word for word about my parents and brother (only he also doesn’t work, and when he does will only do part time, and doesn’t rent a house out)

I think my mum is terrified of having an empty nest and loves that he’s home and does sweet FA to encourage him to do anything

I think it’s really bloody sad and she should have higher expectations of him, and he should have some sort of ambition - but why would he when life is so cushy?!

Drives me round the bend but I just keep quiet now!

whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 21:03

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

Goodness! As Mr T would say, "I pity the fool"...(who catches this fish). Not because of living with parents but all the other things.

He's looking for a second mum, isn't he? Worse is that the woman may not know till it's too late.

Original poster
NatMoz · 04/04/2021 21:03

@TorringtonDean

Has he some learning difficulties? Is that why they are protecting him?
No learning difficulties. He had some mental health problems aged 20 but is on medication and lives a perfectly normal life.
OP posts:
Totallyworthit · 04/04/2021 21:04

Living with parents at that age isn’t an issue, being a big man child and not doing anything for himself is.

Original poster
NatMoz · 04/04/2021 21:06

@whenthebellsring

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

Goodness! As Mr T would say, "I pity the fool"...(who catches this fish). Not because of living with parents but all the other things.

He's looking for a second mum, isn't he? Worse is that the woman may not know till it's too late.

Well that's exactly what my dad did.

My grandparents looked after him until it was time to hand over the baton to my mum who moved in after marriage.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 04/04/2021 21:06

Failure to launch.

Possibly some undiagnosed additional needs?

Very common. Years ago things were often missed.

LawnFever · 04/04/2021 21:06

I don’t think your parents are doing him any favours and i think most women would find his set up quite off putting in terms of dating tbh, but it’s not really your issue so I think you should leave them all to it

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 21:07

I wouldn't touch a man like your brother when I was dating. No men who lived at home, no men whose homes or cars were not tidy, no men who were incapable of functioning as adults on their own.

My BIL is like your brother except he's in his mid 40s now. FIL is dead and MIL is 80 and becoming more and more infirm. But she continues to enable him.

It's been made very clear to her that we will not be taking him on in any way, shape or form when she dies. None. Just zero.

So whatever arrangements she's made, well, that's her business.

I would just make it clear you will not be replacement Mum in any event.

And then don't. Leave him to it. We have enough on plates as one of our children is disabled to have a manchild.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/04/2021 21:08

That would be a massive red flag for me. When my son comes home occasionally for a few weeks, usually to paint the countryside (he is a professional artist) he does everything. Cooks, cleans the lot and takes me out to dinner a few times. And he is great company. Thats how a grown man should behave.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/04/2021 21:09

@Mindymomo do you do their laundry etc? Do they do any chores, shopping, pay keep?

whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 21:11

Oh my! It runs in the family. I'm not sure you can stop this cycle. Only he or his future wife (shudder) can - either for himself or their son(s) if they have kids. I say 'sons' because it seems to be a 'male child' thing, doesn't it?

It may be too late for your mum to change something she's been involved in for so long.

Crosstrainer · 04/04/2021 21:12

Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

I think so, unless there are some particular circumstances to explain why.

GCAcademic · 04/04/2021 21:13

@LemmysAceCard

As soon as your parents get to an age where they need looking after, your brother will bail and move into his own house leaving you to care for your parents.
^This. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this happen. In fact, never once has the son in this situation done anything other than bail.
whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 21:18

Sorry that post was to your reply OP @NatMoz

NeedaLittleNap · 04/04/2021 21:18

I think probably YANBU but with a history of mental health difficulties and still on medication for this (antidepressants?) I suspect the picture is about more complicated.

My son's autistic but had he been born a couple of decades earlier, I doubt he'd have been diagnosed in childhood. We made our peace long ago that it might take him a few more years to get onto his feet as an adult. Possibly your brother's mental health distress may have been more acute than you realised and your parents are scared stiff he will go back to a dark place. Still being on meds 10 years later isn't the norm for "completely fine now". Sure, maybe he is just a manchild and your parents are enabling him but there are lots of other, less clear cut possibilities.

Just judging him and your parents isn't going to achieve anything.

GerardWay123 · 04/04/2021 21:23

Oh shit, I thought it was just my family. There's loads of us with adult children that need kicking out of the nest.

N51BU · 04/04/2021 21:24

I think the only thing that would make your brother want to move out is if he got in a relationship

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 21:28

Both my 2 adult DS’s are still at home aged 25 and 29...My eldest sounds like your brother, but different in that he nows drives himself to work... they have everything they need at home
Can I ask @Mindymomo why you've conspired to man-child your eldest? I get the living at home thing, for whatever reasons - financial, choice etc. But why wouldn't you make sure he could look after himself adequately at this age??

CroutonsAvatar · 04/04/2021 21:31

We have of these in the family, except mid thirties no job and no property. Scares the shit out of me to think what will happen when the inevitable happens.

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/04/2021 21:32

Just leave him alone. His situation alongside your parents will undoubtedly come to an end at some point. At the moment everyone (but you) seems to be happy. Just leave them be.

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