Aibu to think my 30 year old brother needs to be more independent?

[NatMoz]

My brother lives at home with my parents. He does own a house but rents it out, preferring to live with parents. The rental is arranged by my dad via an estate agents. Anything that goes wrong, my dad sorts out. My brother just gets the rental money.

At home, my parents do everything for him. He has his own car but my dad drops him off at the station to go to work as the free park and ride parking is too rough to leave a car.

They are retired but will only arrange holidays if my brother can come and only ever weekend breaks as he can't get lifts to and from train station/needs feeding.

If I spend the day with them midweek they have to rush back to pick him up.

Additionally, they cook, clean, do washing, pack his suitcase if going on holiday, make his lunch for work etc.

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

There is going to be a time as my parents get older where they are the ones who will be cared for but the way things are going I'll be also burdened with caring for my brother too!?

I can see the long term problems of this current set up but speaking to my parents about it is impossible.

My mum claims he can cook and cleans the bathroom better than my dad but cooking 1 meal a week and a bathroom once every 6 months isn't the same as keeping up with the general housework.

Talking to him about everything ever equates to a non committal, wishy washy response. 'don't you fancy giving dad a break for once regarding giving you a lift? 'nah I'm taking it easy today'.

Don't you want to do this thing? Hmmm maybe next time

Etc

I don't really know what to do, or if it's a case of not interfering and letting everyone just get on with it?

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Let me know I have nothing to worry about and should keep out of it.

My brother blames my parents for his lack of independence and ambition. He is quite bitter about it.

OP i had a friend with a brother who was similar though he did at least live in his own home. But took laundry to his olds!

When both were dead, luckily without needing care, he ended up asking my friend to do bank stuff for him, take him to the dentist.

She said no. He just has to fend for himself - at 50. She was very clear with the whole family that she thought it was utterly stupid, but he still tried it on. He was also no help at all with probate and selling the house.

I'm afraid you might have to prepare yourself for similar.

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

It really worries me that when PIL aren't around any more, we will end up being responsible for adults who've never learned to grow up. It makes me very angry with PIL and with the whole situation.

Only if you allow it. You can say NO. I'd divorce my DH if he wanted to take on BIL. But he wouldn't in a million years anyhow.

Well, I agree with you DP and I might well end up having some difficult conversations.

But it's not about 'allowing it' in this situation. I quite like my BIL and SIL. I don't actually want them to end up on the street - and they easily could.

Doesn't stop me being angry about the situation.

I do realise others might well feel differently - a lot depends on how much you feel siblings have been given a realistic chance of getting out of this situation. In our case, BIL and SIL do not have learning disabilities, but they have been so very rigidly separated from the world that they often struggle in that sort of way; I would say their upbringing was neglectfully abusive. So I can't put all of the blame on them.

DH was similar, lived at home, owned a house he rented out. He was a lot more self sufficient with business, work and holidays but did let his Mum do all the housework, and also things like tell him when he had a dental appointment etc!

We've been married nearly 20 years. I've had to train him up but living at home per se needn't be a red flag. But your DB does sound as though he's either a massively lazy scrounger, and/or believes someone else should look after him. Those are both definitely red flags! I think he may struggle on the dating front!

I don't think you can do much to change anything though. You've obviously tried to talk to your parents. As PPs have said your DB will doubtless be long gone if your parents ever need support - so be prepared for that.

Well, you could say that about anything really couldn't you.
Did you read the comment on here not so long ago about the DM who went into her DS's bedroom when he was staying over with his DW and woke him up by tickling him?

I'm at a loss as to what that has to do with this post?
Completely different situation. Here 3 healthy adults have chosen this situation, ops parents have not complained they are unhappy and the brother has not either.
I'm just pointing out that if everyone in the situation is consenting and happy then the op has no need for concern, it's not her problem.

Phenomenon in Japan of young men staying at home for years but more extreme

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

I don’t understand why posters are suggesting he may have learning needs or a MH problem.

It’s simple!

Living with his parents means he has all his home comforts without having to provide any of them himself. His meals are cooked, his laundry is done, he has taxis on tap. And it sounds like his parents are happy with the arrangement. Perhaps his mum ‘enjoys’ looking after him. Perhaps his mum and/or dad enjoys his company and he enjoys theirs. Maybe it just ‘works’ for them all.

If he’s ready to settle down t won’t be forever.

I think it's easy to look at your brother's life and think that he has an easy one and that he is choosing not to take on adult responsibilities but a couple of things to consider:

• Is/are his mental disorder/s really completely controlled now? Even with medication everything from anxiety disorders to bipolar disorder can be worsened at times of stress, even with the right medication.

• Is he really choosing to live with your parents or does he feel extremely lonely living alone and struggle to keep on top of everyday tasks?

• Does he rely on lifts from your Dad because he's just lazy or because he would struggle to walk/use public transport?

• Is it possible that he actually does a lot more housework/to help your parents than you realise?

• Have you considered that your brother's self-esteem might be pretty low- who wants to be 30-something, living at home and relying on their ageing parents?

** several rather than couple oops!

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

In the way you describe (basically an overgrown teenager incapable of doing anything without mummy and daddy's help) it would be a total dealbreaker

My brother lived at home until he was 55. Had his own home but chose not to live in it. When my DM died it was a very hard blow for him. He felt entitled to the house and so made probate extremely difficult. It had to be sold due to taxes. He is managing now because he has to. He was never incapable just lazy and lonely.

Did you read the comment on here not so long ago about the DM who went into her DS's bedroom when he was staying over with his DW and woke him up by tickling him?

@Gwenhwyfar Christ. No. What the fuck?

he's a joke - and your parents are deliberately infantilising him - bad parenting and it's just as well they can't have anymore kids!

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

I wouldn't touch a man like your brother when I was dating. No men who lived at home, no men whose homes or cars were not tidy, no men who were incapable of functioning as adults on their own.

My BIL is like your brother except he's in his mid 40s now. FIL is dead and MIL is 80 and becoming more and more infirm. But she continues to enable him.

It's been made very clear to her that we will not be taking him on in any way, shape or form when she dies. None. Just zero.

So whatever arrangements she's made, well, that's her business.

I would just make it clear you will not be replacement Mum in any event.

And then don't. Leave him to it. We have enough on plates as one of our children is disabled to have a manchild.

God almighty, would it seriously be expected that someone else take over looking after this 40 year old when his mummy is no longer around? It's both sad and bizarre that it should have crossed anyone's minds to pass him on like a pet that's outlived his owner.