Aibu to think my 30 year old brother needs to be more independent?

[NatMoz]

My brother lives at home with my parents. He does own a house but rents it out, preferring to live with parents. The rental is arranged by my dad via an estate agents. Anything that goes wrong, my dad sorts out. My brother just gets the rental money.

At home, my parents do everything for him. He has his own car but my dad drops him off at the station to go to work as the free park and ride parking is too rough to leave a car.

They are retired but will only arrange holidays if my brother can come and only ever weekend breaks as he can't get lifts to and from train station/needs feeding.

If I spend the day with them midweek they have to rush back to pick him up.

Additionally, they cook, clean, do washing, pack his suitcase if going on holiday, make his lunch for work etc.

He has never had a girlfriend but is now ready to settle down so is going on dates. Not really a success so far. Would a 30 year old living with parents be a red flag?

There is going to be a time as my parents get older where they are the ones who will be cared for but the way things are going I'll be also burdened with caring for my brother too!?

I can see the long term problems of this current set up but speaking to my parents about it is impossible.

My mum claims he can cook and cleans the bathroom better than my dad but cooking 1 meal a week and a bathroom once every 6 months isn't the same as keeping up with the general housework.

Talking to him about everything ever equates to a non committal, wishy washy response. 'don't you fancy giving dad a break for once regarding giving you a lift? 'nah I'm taking it easy today'.

Don't you want to do this thing? Hmmm maybe next time

Etc

I don't really know what to do, or if it's a case of not interfering and letting everyone just get on with it?

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Let me know I have nothing to worry about and should keep out of it.

Oh, my BIL was like this - his Dad died prematurely and DH escaped as soon as he could, so their mother kept BIL as a pet. Until his early 40s, she enabled him, letting him sit about the house all day doing nothing and failing to get a job. It did nothing for his mental health as his only purpose in life was playing board games with MIL and drinking beer every night.

Then MIL dropped dead at 73. It was the making of BIL, who suddenly realised he had to stand on his own two feet. He now has a basic job (enough to pay for the house's upkeep each month) and is so much healthier and purposeful.

One of the posters above had it right - failing to make your children responsible for themselves is not much shot of abuse.

@Aquamarine1029

There is going to be a time as my parents get older where they are the ones who will be cared for but the way things are going I'll be also burdened with caring for my brother too!?

Only if you allow yourself to be a complete and utter mug. Personally, I'd be making it known now that you caring for your useless brother is never, ever going to happen.

This. There's no discussion to be had. Just tell them you will not be taking over caring duties for him.

Yikes! It’s going to take a pretty special person to take him on.

Well, he's a catch, isn't he? But why would you consider even for a second taking responsibility for him as your parents age? I'm not surprised the dating isn't going well. I'd run a mile.

Plenty of people still live at home at 30, largely because they cannot afford a home or even the rent of a property of their own. However, those I have known did far more in the running of the house, and the word that comes to mind is manchild.

Other than make it clear you will not take on caring duties if and when they happen, not sure what else you can do.

@User8901

Yikes! It’s going to take a pretty special person to take him on.

Or a complete and total mug.

@User8901

Yikes! It’s going to take a pretty special person to take him on.

I don't know if it matters really but he would of course never admit to a girl this was what he was used to.

On paper he is full time employed, owns a house but can't end contract with current tenants due to the current covid regulations of 6 months notice where they may fail to pay before he can move in himself.

No mortgage. Has a car.

Looking to settle down and find a wife.

Sounds good to me!

@HesSpartacus

Oh, my BIL was like this - his Dad died prematurely and DH escaped as soon as he could, so their mother kept BIL as a pet. Until his early 40s, she enabled him, letting him sit about the house all day doing nothing and failing to get a job. It did nothing for his mental health as his only purpose in life was playing board games with MIL and drinking beer every night.

Then MIL dropped dead at 73. It was the making of BIL, who suddenly realised he had to stand on his own two feet. He now has a basic job (enough to pay for the house's upkeep each month) and is so much healthier and purposeful.

One of the posters above had it right - failing to make your children responsible for themselves is not much shot of abuse.

Oh gosh, such a serious subject but I adored your description of your BIL being kept as a pet by his mother it just made me properly honk with laughter

The original post, and many of those that have followed, could be about my sister. Mental health issues for sure. But compounded by a lifetime of my parents (particularly my mum) enabling her to do SFA when it comes to any form of managing, or taking responsibility for, her own life. The lifts, the packed lunches, total management of her financial and practical affairs..... they do it all. She also owns a car (they bought it for her but it's mainly used for my dad to drive her everywhere) and a property (it's rented out and my parents deal with every aspect of that.) She's in her 40s. It does her no favours in the long run.

But it will soon be obvious how useless he is, certainly.

My grandmother did this to her tribe of sons. 4 of them all in their 60s and all relying on their sisters to bail them out or live off any woman stupid enough to take them.

I wouldn’t care much about living at home - it’s what goes with it.

My DH lived at home when I met him. He did his laundry, cooked family meals, worked and had about £15k in savings. Zero issues being independent when we moved in.

I have sons and whilst they both have additional needs I’ll gave failed as a parent if they look after themselves to the best if they’re ability.

Nothing wrong with living at home whatever the age. As long as the adult child pulls their weight around the house and does not expect to be waited on. Personally, I would think it was ridiculous to judge someone based on that alone. Property is ridiculously expensive and if you are single and in a low paid/average paid job, it's very difficult.
I wouldn't be worried about your brother based on that but on the other things you mentioned, yes,I would be concerned. With that said,nobody is perfect and your judgement will not be helping matters.

Well, a girlfriend would eventually work out that he

• gets lifts to and from work from daddy
• regularly goes on holiday with his parents and mummy packs his suitcase
• doesn't do his own laundry, cooking or any housework

Oh and I forgot the packed lunches!!

Like Asians , this is very common in Irish families, especially farmers or rural. BOTH my brother and sister lived at home on and off , he only left when I helped him organise a flat , she only when she met someone in her 40s! And neither of them learned to drive until after my parents died.

But my mother said she liked having them in the house , she brought tales from work home , he helped my Dad with physical things. Dad said he liked the routine of getting up and driving them to work and he started his day then too.
So , both are OK now , no burden to me. Don't worry about it , not your house, not your problem.

To be fair, my DB was completely like this. He had a brief run out to uni, which didn't agree with him, especially as he was bonking his landlady, & when her husband returned from his offshore job & booted DB out he dropped out of uni, scuttled home to mummy & then...well, just bunkered down for a decade.

Eventually aged 30ish he met a woman at work who was prepared to take him on, & is now a functioning husband & father.

He'd be completely buggered if he ever split from SIL, who bosses him around & makes his sandwiches & generally runs his life, but he seems very happy so I wouldn't totally give up on your DB. There'll almost certainly be a woman out there somewhere who'll be delighted to take him on. I wouldn't, honestly, find this sort of man attractive, but well, some women really do.

" Property is ridiculously expensive and if you are single and in a low paid/average paid job, it's very difficult."

The guy owns a house.
Plus, the choice is not live with parents or be homeless. People can rent as wel!

It doesn’t sound too serious if all three are happy with this arrangement. It will be a shit situation for some unsuspecting woman if he expects this level of service from her though. Does he understand that in 2021, he isn’t going to get this from a woman and it will wreck relationships?

@Mindymomo nothing you write about your DC is attractive, why on earth would I want to take on a manchild? Why won’t you let them grow up?

As others have said a 30 year old living with parents wouldn’t be an issue in itself (lots of similar aged people are in the same boat to save for deposits etc) but the fact he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to leave, and can’t look after himself, would be a huge put off to many women who want a partner and not a child they have to cook/clean/taxi around/pack for.

My BIL and SIL both live like this. They can't cook, because it's MIL's kitchen; they rarely make so much as a cup of tea for themselves because MIL does it. If they do chores around the house MIL will say what a 'good boy' or 'good girl' they have been. If they're watching TV or whatever, MIL or FIL will arbitrarily decide to switch it off. Regularly when we've visited, MIL or FIL will chide them for not being better-mannered with 'visitors'. It's like they're being treated as very young children. My four year old has more freedom in her own home. And no, I don't think it is healthy, and no, I can't imagine it's a recipe for a successful dating life.

It really worries me that when PIL aren't around any more, we will end up being responsible for adults who've never learned to grow up. It makes me very angry with PIL and with the whole situation.

@LemmysAceCard

As soon as your parents get to an age where they need looking after, your brother will bail and move into his own house leaving you to care for your parents.

Yep, I think so too.

We have one of these as well, in all honesty the only people who can fix it are your parents. But if they are anything ours, it will never happen. Not sure what we are going to do with him, when they pass away. I don’t really want to teach adulting to a 40 something.

It really worries me that when PIL aren't around any more, we will end up being responsible for adults who've never learned to grow up. It makes me very angry with PIL and with the whole situation.

Only if you allow it. You can say NO. I'd divorce my DH if he wanted to take on BIL. But he wouldn't in a million years anyhow.

I'm going to disagree a bit here. If your parents and he are happy with the situation what business is it of yours?

My dh lived with his parents till they died in his mid 30's. They enjoyed looking after him, cooked his meals, did his washing etc because they wanted to. I moved in with them all and we both cared for them as they became ill and needed care. He's a fully functioning adult who works very hard, does his share of housework and child wrangling now, he was just very loved/catered for and it made them all happy while they could do it.

"I'm going to disagree a bit here. If your parents and he are happy with the situation what business is it of yours?"

Well, you could say that about anything really couldn't you.
Did you read the comment on here not so long ago about the DM who went into her DS's bedroom when he was staying over with his DW and woke him up by tickling him?