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AIBU?

AIBU not to offer to hold friends toddler

129 replies

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:19

Genuinely confused, me and a friend both got older kids, friend has 19 month old who is used to being constantly held. For example we are all eating lunch and the toddler is being held and mum says 'oh I just can't get a minute to eat' both having a drink and trying to chat and mum says 'oh I can't get a chance to drink' I think surely you can just put the baby down but always feel as though she's expecting me to offer to hold her child...

Is this the done thing? Should you have to take someone else's kid even though your eating/drinking at same time.

Always leave our coffee meet ups feeling she's pissed I didn't offer to hold the toddler so she could drink her drink but then it's not my child and I think you should be able to put children down.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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Maggie900 · 04/04/2021 21:13

I always help with my friends babies/toddlers. I have my own baby but once I am finished sorting him out, I will always offer help.

Likewise, my friends do the same with my baby.

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Iwantanap · 04/04/2021 21:13

Just offer for now but don't go out and put yourself in that situation again as it doesn't sound like you enjoy it. Find another way to meet up where this isnt an issue. I time they will mature and be able to sit independently

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Bellossom · 04/04/2021 21:26

Could she be trying to apologise for how long she takes/if child is akward?
My son messed about a bit and climbed out of high chairs - he didn't fit well in them so wasn't easy to strap him in (maybe he was pandered to but I'm not bothered and he's very independent now) and I sometimes felt a bit bad for taking a while

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MaLarkinn · 04/04/2021 21:32

I would hold them no bother at all.

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shouldistop · 04/04/2021 21:39

Currently I wouldn't want anyone else's toddler on me. I have a 4yo and 4mo so I'm all touched out.
I've held friends babies in situations like that but I don't think I know anyone who's toddler wouldn't sit in a high chair for even a short time.
Could it be a result of lockdown?

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Friendlyghostmama · 04/04/2021 21:43

It's fascinating the number of people who think very small children are "misbehaving" or "ruling the roost" by needing close contact with their mother. A basic read up on human brain development will tell you their brains haven't developed the ability to manipulate yet and that if they need you, they really believe they need you. Secure attachment comes from feeling safe and responded to, and that's what attachment parenting seeks to develop. In fact, attachment parented kids are possibly more likely to be confident, independent and less "clingy" as they know they have a safe harbour to return to anytime, as long as they need it.

Surely friendship means being able to have a whinge, or even sacrificing 10 minutes to help another friend have a coffee?

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ItsMarch · 04/04/2021 21:43

I’d also give her a swerve. What are you getting from the meet up? Doesn’t sound like either of you enjoy it.

I don’t want to hold other people’s children. Never have and having my own hasn’t changed that.

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TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 21:52

Surely friendship means being able to have a whinge, or even sacrificing 10 minutes to help another friend have a coffee?

Not to some. I'd stop meeting this person for food and drinks, personally.

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GrumpyHoonMain · 04/04/2021 21:54

My 15mo needs to sit on my lap or close to mecwhen we’re in a strange place. It’s not bad parenting - he just likes me to be near for reassurance.

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pickaxer · 04/04/2021 22:13

You should offer, as the toddler probably won't want you to or let you hold her anyway and then ahhhh nothing you can do, she only wants mummy

My feisty 15 month old is like buckaroo in a highchair, but a little bit risky on a standard chair as table lunges and grabs knives. I wouldn't expect my friend to hold her, I do complain to DH and he won't even hold her as you end up covered in her food too.

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Millie2008 · 04/04/2021 23:55

@ColourfulElmerElephant

If her toddler wants to be held all the time it will be her mother she wants, not a relative stranger. My ASD DD usually wanted to be held because she would be scared in a cafe as it was a new place, but she only wanted to be held by me. I might have moaned to a friend but not for them to hold her. Besides, social distancing easily gets you out of worrying if you should offer.

This. My son is autistic and has always been very clingy to me, particularly in new or busy environments (I now know this was due to feeling overwhelmed and anxious) - well, either clingy or having major meltdowns and head banging the floor. That age is so tough if you've got a child with additional needs - as they aren't yet able to communicate with you, and you usually have no idea yet that you're dealing with a child with additional needs and just think you must be a shit mum- everyone else is managing to put their children into high chairs apart from you (that sort of thing). I realise we have no clue whether or not this child has any additional needs such as autism. But they might. And that mum might well be struggling and feeling really bad about herself.

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Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll · 04/04/2021 23:59

Geez a lot of perfect parents here have their judgy pants on.

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Emeraldshamrock · 05/04/2021 00:02

I would have held the toddler for a few minutes. My DS is a velcro child never stopped crying from newborn onwards.
My DD was independent.
It's not always the parent.
I get your having a break too if your DC can go off playing It's peaceful at times for you to eat.

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Millie2008 · 05/04/2021 00:14

Oh, and I never ever expected other parents to hold my child at those times - as others have said, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind as there's no way he'd have been held by anyone else! But I would have been pretty gutted if they were ignoring me trying to talk about how difficult I was finding things. The 2 "mum friends" I've stayed close to (my son's 3 now) are the ones that have always been accepting of him/me, never judged me and showed some empathy for how difficult some of his behaviours were to manage. In fact, I often feel better about my parenting abilities after meeting with them!

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Emeraldshamrock · 05/04/2021 00:18

My DS issues were sensory undiagnosed ATT. I'd have never expected anyone to hold him but having been there I'd offer no problem.

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MaLarkinn · 05/04/2021 00:30

Thank God for my lovely friends. I just can't believe that people would not offer another mum a couple of mins peace.
In real life I don't think many posters would react as they've said they would here. I'd more than likely offer to take the baby and go for a little walkabout so my friend could eat.

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SleepingStandingUp · 05/04/2021 00:47

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

Surely friendship means being able to have a whinge, or even sacrificing 10 minutes to help another friend have a coffee?

Not to some. I'd stop meeting this person for food and drinks, personally.

So presumably not to you given you'd avoid her rather than listen to her or help her

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Shelby2010 · 05/04/2021 00:50

I’d offer to hold the child once I had finished my own food or drink.

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SleepingStandingUp · 05/04/2021 00:50

@MaLarkinn

Thank God for my lovely friends. I just can't believe that people would not offer another mum a couple of mins peace.
In real life I don't think many posters would react as they've said they would here. I'd more than likely offer to take the baby and go for a little walkabout so my friend could eat.

I agree some people's interpretation of friendship isn't the same as mine (oh whenever she wants to talk about how she's coping o play with my phone to distract her!) but if I was going out for food with a mate I wouldn't expect her to not eat so I can whilst she walks around outside.

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MaLarkinn · 05/04/2021 01:14

@SleepingStandingUp it's not about expecting anything, it's really just being a friend and offering.

I remember years ago, my ex sil had just had her second baby and we were in a restaurant and she was trying to eat, baby started to cry and her food sat there cold. Another time we were at hers having a cuppa, had just sat down when baby woke from her nap and she looked to the ceiling saying "oh Emma, just 2 mins"

It wasn't until I had my own children that I fully realised how exhausting children can be.

My friends would never expect me to hold their baby, I would just offer.

I just couldn't sit there, I don't many people would in the real world.

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DYWMB · 05/04/2021 01:16

@burritofan

I just ignore the comment and try and busy myself... will do something on my phone or pick up my drink, clean something up.
Perhaps she’s pissed off because instead of empathising and having a conversation with her about how hard it is to have an unputdownable toddler, you behave like a toddler yourself and avoid speaking to her?

This.

Christ some of the comments on here are awful.
We have no idea if this woman panders, if she's being 'passive aggressive' or simply just exhausted with a toddler who isn't even 2 yet and can't give mum a break.
You sit like a brat twiddling on your phone trying not to roll your eyes because you hate other people's kids and why should you have to hold it!!!

You sound like you can't stand her or the child. Yes kids who can't be put down are annoying, it's not always due to pandering.
I've had 2. One who would thrash around if put in a chair and have a breakdown, the other who sat in pushchair and never made a peep.
No pandering.. just different temperaments.
I possibly said to my friends that is love to eat a meal in peace, because I had pnd with my first and was overwhelmed having a child that needed so much attention.
Have some compassion.
Maybe ask how she's going and ask if she thinks little one is too clingy. Maybe give some of your amazing parenting tips seeing as you're an expert on what causes clingy children.

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Kanaloa · 05/04/2021 01:16

At 19 months why is holding the child stopping her from eating? Surely the child could be sitting on her knee and she could still eat? I understand with a tiny baby in your arms because you need to support them properly it can be tricky to cut food up etc but with a toddler you could eat with one hand and hold them with the other.

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DYWMB · 05/04/2021 01:18

[quote MaLarkinn]@SleepingStandingUp it's not about expecting anything, it's really just being a friend and offering.

I remember years ago, my ex sil had just had her second baby and we were in a restaurant and she was trying to eat, baby started to cry and her food sat there cold. Another time we were at hers having a cuppa, had just sat down when baby woke from her nap and she looked to the ceiling saying "oh Emma, just 2 mins"

It wasn't until I had my own children that I fully realised how exhausting children can be.

My friends would never expect me to hold their baby, I would just offer.

I just couldn't sit there, I don't many people would in the real world.[/quote]
I couldn't just sit either. I'd just offer so the mum could eat or have a coffee. But then I like my friends.

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Ploughingthrough · 05/04/2021 01:21

Tbh if this was my friend I'd just hold their baby/toddler for a bit regardless of my feelings because she is a friend. I actually quite like other people's kids especially if they belong to my close friends.
Even if I"m not that bothered I show interest and affection because I think it's a nice thing to do for a good friend's child. Just because my kids are a bit older now doesn't mean I can't remember when they were a bit of a pain in the arse for various reasons so I'm happy to help.

Yeah maybe the kid could go in a high chair, but maybe she hates them and screams or something. One of my DC detested a push chair and would scream and cry the whole time so 'just pop her in the pushchair' never worked in a public place.

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Butwasitherdriveway · 05/04/2021 01:22

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

Surely friendship means being able to have a whinge, or even sacrificing 10 minutes to help another friend have a coffee?

Not to some. I'd stop meeting this person for food and drinks, personally.

What?!

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