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AIBU?

AIBU not to offer to hold friends toddler

129 replies

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:19

Genuinely confused, me and a friend both got older kids, friend has 19 month old who is used to being constantly held. For example we are all eating lunch and the toddler is being held and mum says 'oh I just can't get a minute to eat' both having a drink and trying to chat and mum says 'oh I can't get a chance to drink' I think surely you can just put the baby down but always feel as though she's expecting me to offer to hold her child...

Is this the done thing? Should you have to take someone else's kid even though your eating/drinking at same time.

Always leave our coffee meet ups feeling she's pissed I didn't offer to hold the toddler so she could drink her drink but then it's not my child and I think you should be able to put children down.

AIBU?

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CavernousScream · 04/04/2021 19:57

Don’t you think she might be picking up on your intolerance of her child and negative judgement of her parenting? That’s probably why she’s pissed off every time. Just tell her what you think, so she can stop meeting up with someone who disapproves of her.

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kelly14 · 04/04/2021 20:00

Sorry I should add I would absolutely help anyone if they asked for help no matter the age as long as my own kids were safe and in my sight. I would maybe suggest options if I felt would helpful but I'm pretty good as knowing my crowd so if I felt would fall on fest ears I probably wouldn't bother

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ColourfulElmerElephant · 04/04/2021 20:02

If her toddler wants to be held all the time it will be her mother she wants, not a relative stranger. My ASD DD usually wanted to be held because she would be scared in a cafe as it was a new place, but she only wanted to be held by me. I might have moaned to a friend but not for them to hold her. Besides, social distancing easily gets you out of worrying if you should offer.

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pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 20:02

@GreyhoundG1rl

How do you respond when she whines that she can’t drink her coffee in peace? If you suggested she put the child in a high chair, how do you think she’d react? Why not try it?

I just ignore the comment and try and busy myself... will do something on my phone or pick up my drink, clean something up. The toddler would guarantee go batshit if you put her in a high chair, or put her down. I baby sat 3 weekends ago for her children and the toddler screamed the second I put her down for the full 8 hours, I was counting down the minutes until the mum arrived to collect her. If you cut eye contact with the toddler she screams...

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PennyArcade · 04/04/2021 20:02

YANBU

Who wants to make childcare arrangements for their own children, look forward to being child free for a few hours - and then be lumbered with someone else’s clingy toddler? Not me that’s for sure! I can’t think of anything worse tbh 😖

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ColourfulElmerElephant · 04/04/2021 20:03

It sounds like the toddler may have additional needs, especially since she has older children that aren’t like it. Although it’s too young for a diagnosis, it’s not too young for there to be many signs and your friend is probably aware of this.

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pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 20:05

@CavernousScream

Don’t you think she might be picking up on your intolerance of her child and negative judgement of her parenting? That’s probably why she’s pissed off every time. Just tell her what you think, so she can stop meeting up with someone who disapproves of her.

Maybe but unfortunately you can have a lovely friend who you really like/get on well with and not agree completely with their parenting choices... that's why you keep your opinions to yourself on their parenting to continue the friendship. I don't make any commenting on her parenting, just don't want to hold the toddler whilst I'm also trying to eat/drink/relax

I just amnt particularly fussed by other people's children, like lots of people... I have lots of friends who are friends of mine and not hugely fussed with my kids... that's fine!

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SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 20:08

baby sat 3 weekends ago for her children and the toddler screamed the second I put her down for the full 8 hours, I was counting down the minutes until the mum arrived to collect her. If you cut eye contact with the toddler she screams...

Wait, what? You baby sat but you let an under 2 yo scream for 8 hours rather than pick her up?? Why not just call your friend back and tell her you couldn't handle the child?

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pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 20:09

@SleepingStandingUp

baby sat 3 weekends ago for her children and the toddler screamed the second I put her down for the full 8 hours, I was counting down the minutes until the mum arrived to collect her. If you cut eye contact with the toddler she screams...

Wait, what? You baby sat but you let an under 2 yo scream for 8 hours rather than pick her up?? Why not just call your friend back and tell her you couldn't handle the child?

No of course I didn't! I babysat and held her for 8 hours because the second I put her down she screams 🤣 I'm not a lunatic!

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burritofan · 04/04/2021 20:10

I just ignore the comment and try and busy myself... will do something on my phone or pick up my drink, clean something up.
Perhaps she’s pissed off because instead of empathising and having a conversation with her about how hard it is to have an unputdownable toddler, you behave like a toddler yourself and avoid speaking to her?

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Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 20:10

It would be a hard pass from me. My days of wrangling toddlers are far behind me, no way I'm dealing with anyone else's.

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MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 04/04/2021 20:14

I would have held the toddler if I'd finished eating already. Mums of young children rarely get to finish a meal or hot drink - I remember that and how nice it was when someone offered to hold the baby, so I always offer. 19 months is still a baby to me.

I do think though that some parents insist on taking their DC to totally unsuitable places and don't do enough to control their behaviour in public, making then a pita for everyone else.

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WildfirePonie · 04/04/2021 20:15

YANBU. If your friend wants her toddler to rule the roost, well that is not your problem.

I wouldn't offer, nor would I feel guilty. It's her fault that the child won't be put down anyway.

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/04/2021 20:24

Was there a high chair or pushchair etc available?

I remember once having a mare - had met a friend in a cafe with my toddler (whom she was happy for me to bring). I had left the buggy in the car as the cafe didnt have much space, only to arrive and find the cafe had run out of high chairs!!

It was a real hassle trying to eat with him on my lap, I couldnt put him down as he was a real runner at that age and also couldn't be put unsupervised in the small children's play space. I was really grateful that my friend agreed to hold him for a few mins while I wolfed down a sandwich and drank a drink!

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bumblingbovine49 · 04/04/2021 20:27

Well pandemic rules aside I'd definitely offer to hold a friends toddler if it meant they got a break but I'm not you and there is no obligation to do so.

As I said I'd offer but I also would never think that because they were moaning about never having a minute that they wanted me to take the baby.

My DS was a lot like this at 19 months but he would never have sat on someone else's lap unless he knew them very well so I would have moaned a bit but knew he wouldn't go to anyone else so would not have even been thinking this . I'm not sure many 19 month olds would be happy to sit on the lap of someone other than their parent if they don't know them well. I imagine the toddler would also sense the dislike you feel anyway so would probably cry anyway

Are you sure what you are sensing is not just disappointment and frustration at the situation from your friend rather than specifically aimed at you?. Your assumption that she is grumpy because she expect you to hold her toddler is an assumption or a feeling on your part. It isn't necessarily what she is actually thinking unless she has actually communicated this to you in a more direct way.

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LolaSmiles · 04/04/2021 20:30

I'd offer to hold a baby for a friend, but toddlers can sit in a high chair or on the bench next to me/mum. I'd probably offer as a one off though as we've all had days where toddlers are a law unto themselves.
If this was a regular thing then I would be less inclined because it gets to a point where the mum has to decide whether she's going to start putting boundaries in place.

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Twoforthree · 04/04/2021 20:34

I think most peopke would help in that situation no

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GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 20:37

Why on earth would anybody “help”? The two adults were both eating, one of them refused to put her toddler down. Why should the other one stop eating to step into the breach?
A tiny baby be quite different.

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GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 20:38

would be...

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bumblingbovine49 · 04/04/2021 20:40

Just to say my son was also diagnosed with ASD and ADHD when he was 6 but at 19 months, I know that lots of my friends thought his difficult behaviour was down to me. About half of them told me I was too lenient and didn't intervene enough,
the other (almost) half) told me I was too uptight and should relax more, as I was apparently was helicopter parenting when I should leave him alone. This despite the fact that DS regularly would hit other children when frustrated and would often get very upset over seemingly small things .

The tiny proportion of my friends who did not judge , or at least not to my face , are the only ones I am still friends with 14 years later

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bellie710 · 04/04/2021 20:53

If I was out with a friend and she was trying to eat and struggling with a child I would offer to hold it if they would come to me. I can eat in peace all the time I quite often take my nieces/nephews so the parents can eat something hot for once!

However I would not be offended if a friend didn't offer to hold my baby.

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SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 20:54

No of course I didn't! I babysat and held her for 8 hours because the second I put her down she screams 🤣 I'm not a lunatic! Apologies, I've just reread it and it was my comprehension.

However when she says "oh it's a nightmare I never get to eat" why does everyone busy themselves? Where's the "ah that sounds tough Emma, have you spoken to the HV about how clingy she is? / Yes she does seem a challenge, your other two were easier, do you know why she's so much harder work? Etc

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Thatwentbadly · 04/04/2021 20:55

GreyhoundG1rl
How do you respond when she whines that she can’t drink her coffee in peace? If you suggested she put the child in a high chair, how do you think she’d react? Why not try it?

I just ignore the comment and try and busy myself... will do something on my phone or pick up my drink, clean something up.

Make your friend is annoyed that your ignoring her when she is trying to talk to you about how she is finding life difficult.

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RLJ1905 · 04/04/2021 20:59

Gosh. So much judgement in this post.

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dotdashdashdash · 04/04/2021 21:07

My eldest was a velcro child but I'd never have expected anyone else to help with that. Admittedly, no one would have wanted me to not hold him though, we'd have been kicked out the cafe!

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