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AIBU?

AIBU not to offer to hold friends toddler

129 replies

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:19

Genuinely confused, me and a friend both got older kids, friend has 19 month old who is used to being constantly held. For example we are all eating lunch and the toddler is being held and mum says 'oh I just can't get a minute to eat' both having a drink and trying to chat and mum says 'oh I can't get a chance to drink' I think surely you can just put the baby down but always feel as though she's expecting me to offer to hold her child...

Is this the done thing? Should you have to take someone else's kid even though your eating/drinking at same time.

Always leave our coffee meet ups feeling she's pissed I didn't offer to hold the toddler so she could drink her drink but then it's not my child and I think you should be able to put children down.

AIBU?

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user1493413286 · 04/04/2021 18:23

My DD used to like sitting on my lap when we were out at a similar age but doubt she’d go to other people; I used to appreciate it when my mil would hold her but never expected other people to. I was more bothered about trying to distract her by cake to sit by herself
I’ll always offer to hold peoples young babies as I remember well what it was like to eat 3 meals a day plus drinks holding a small baby.

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Nodancingshoes · 04/04/2021 18:31

God, my friend is like this. Her child is 8 now and still hanging round her neck whilst we are sat chatting / drinking tea / having lunch. All the other kids are off playing...

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EL8888 · 04/04/2021 18:31

I wouldn’t get involved either. She has made this into a thing

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TruffleShuffles · 04/04/2021 18:37

Has she attempted to try and get the child to sit in a high chair or a normal chair when out? If she had really tried I might be inclined to have the child sit on my lap for a few minutes but if all she does is moan but not try and rectify the situation I’d leave her to it.

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TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 18:41

I'd stop meeting her for food and drink. I don't like other peoples' children, either. I really didn't like the toddler stage even with my own and certainly wouldn't enjoy hanging out with someone else's toddler. No, wouldn't offer to hold someone else's toddler, either. But the easiest thing is just to stop meeting her for food and drink.

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2021 18:42

Nope, I wouldn't unless I was completely done eating/drinking AND the child were well-behaved. Hold someone else's fussing and squirming toddler? Nope. I raised my two to sit in a high chair and the few times they've been fussy I've handled it myself. If someone else hasn't taught their child to do the same they can pay for that mistake themselves.

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Bythemillpond · 04/04/2021 18:46

Mine both were held all the time till at least 3-4 years old. Ds especially. Didn’t think it was such a huge deal

Personally I would hold them whilst my friend ate just because it would be a nice thing to do.

I don’t see why you wouldn’t help a friend out.

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CirqueDeMorgue · 04/04/2021 18:46

@Nodancingshoes

God, my friend is like this. Her child is 8 now and still hanging round her neck whilst we are sat chatting / drinking tea / having lunch. All the other kids are off playing...

I guess all kids are different...

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CycleWoman · 04/04/2021 18:57

Nah! I’d defo offer to hold a baby but not a squirming toddler. I’ve periods with mine at that age where I just don’t bother meeting people for food/drinks when as it’s no fun for anyone (unless I can leave them at home!).

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2021 19:21

@Bythemillpond

Mine both were held all the time till at least 3-4 years old. Ds especially. Didn’t think it was such a huge deal

Personally I would hold them whilst my friend ate just because it would be a nice thing to do.

I don’t see why you wouldn’t help a friend out.

Held by whom? You and/or their dad? That's fine then.

It's when people start foisting their kids on other people so they can eat/drink/whatever in peace whilst someone else has to deal with their child that it's a 'big deal'. Especially if that person is still eating or drinking themselves or if the child isn't well-behaved.

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LaceyBetty · 04/04/2021 19:27

My daughter wanted to be constantly held and i complies because it was easier than the struggle of a high chair. I used to do complain, but never felt like anyone else should hold her. She wouldn't have gone to anyone else anyway, that was part of the problem. I'd be surprised if your friend was suggesting you hold her.

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AnneElliott · 04/04/2021 19:31

It's odd that your friend can't put her down. A friend of ours was like that with their daughter- but wouldn't even let people hold her, even when it meant contorting to get something from the back of a kitchen cupboard while still holding the kid!

I think I would offer if I finished eating first, but not otherwise.

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babypinkelephant · 04/04/2021 19:34

Have you offered to get a high chair ?

Also I would offer to hold if I had finished

Some toddlers are clingy

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pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 19:35

Thanks for the replies noted that I'm not unreasonable but possibly a bit of an arsehole for not wanting to help a friend... I just don't like other people's kids much is the truth...

I won't feel guilty about not offering in future now know many others won't and will suggest more outdoor activities where toddler would be in a pram to avoid the situation.

OP posts:

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TristantheTyrannosaurus · 04/04/2021 19:37

I wouldn't feel guilty but then, I'd stop meeting her for food and drink.

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FannyChops · 04/04/2021 19:40

Can't you get hold of a high chair? Presumably she has one at home, most restaurants have one.

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UhtredRagnarson · 04/04/2021 19:44

Realistically though @pictureframenotperfect her baby would more than likely whinge and gurn to get back to mummy if you tried to hold her.

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RickOShay · 04/04/2021 19:46

This wouldn’t bother me, but I don’t have small dc, so I’d quite like a cuddle

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WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2021 19:47

"Always leave our coffee meet ups feeling she's pissed I didn't offer to hold the toddler so she could drink her drink but then it's not my child and I think you should be able to put children down."

So the problem is not really the child being held, but feeling that she's trying to manoeuvre you into offering. And that she's getting pissed with you because you're not doing what she wants you to do, even though she won't actually ask you to do it. I get it, nothing puts my back up more than someone trying to paint me into a corner.

So either her 'oh I just can't get a minute to eat/drink' exclamations are her being passive aggressive - or they're not. I think it might be helpful (to you) if you checked.

Next time she says it, casually ask 'When are you planning to wean X off being held all the time?' and see what she says.

If she gets all offended and makes it clear she has no plans to do so, I'd respond with 'well you'll never get a minute to drink/eat then, will you'. Do NOT offer to hold the child because she's just made clear that it is her choice to hold, and that doesn't make it your choice.

If she says anything like 'I'm working on it' or 'he's not ready for that yet', respond 'good luck then' but still do not offer to hold the child.

If she actually stops being all passive-aggressive and trying to manipulate you into offering and says something along the lines of 'I've tried and it's going badly - could you hold him for just a minute while I get some coffee down me?' then - and only then - would I agree to do so. I would reward a direct request. (I don't like being manipulated, but I will respond to a request.)

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Buckingafout · 04/04/2021 19:47

Not during a pandemic, but I might offer otherwise

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IndecentFeminist · 04/04/2021 19:48

That's not massively old tbh, more of a big baby than a toddler. I'd probably offer every now and then, all.of mine have been through similar phases.

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Urbacodon · 04/04/2021 19:48

During family gatherings, we always held and looked after our DC when they were babies/toddlers. Everyone else chilled out, we did all of the getting up and down, settling, feeding, winding, playing etc. Fair enough, our little ones. Now BIL/SIL have a baby (and they’re expecting another one very quickly after), I’m just not interested in holding babies now. I’ll be relaxing with my dinner/drinks whilst they do their own running about.

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Sexnotgender · 04/04/2021 19:50

YANBU at all.

Saying that I was a little miffed SIL didn’t offer to hold my 7 month old while I was trying to eat in hospital canteen during very stressful time. She wasn’t eating. Just sat and watched me struggle.

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GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 19:53

How do you respond when she whines that she can’t drink her coffee in peace? If you suggested she put the child in a high chair, how do you think she’d react? Why not try it?

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kelly14 · 04/04/2021 19:53

I have an 18 month and 3 yr old and wouldn't expect anyone to hold them for me. They can eat on their own at a normal table. I wouldn't expect other adults eating to deal with them.
If my children were playing up it would for me to deal with.

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