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AIBU not to offer to hold friends toddler

129 replies

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:19

Genuinely confused, me and a friend both got older kids, friend has 19 month old who is used to being constantly held. For example we are all eating lunch and the toddler is being held and mum says 'oh I just can't get a minute to eat' both having a drink and trying to chat and mum says 'oh I can't get a chance to drink' I think surely you can just put the baby down but always feel as though she's expecting me to offer to hold her child...

Is this the done thing? Should you have to take someone else's kid even though your eating/drinking at same time.

Always leave our coffee meet ups feeling she's pissed I didn't offer to hold the toddler so she could drink her drink but then it's not my child and I think you should be able to put children down.


OP posts:
Wtfdidwedo · 04/04/2021 17:23

Does she definitely want you to hold the child? My youngest was a nightmare and never wanted to be in a highchair or anything, so I whinged about it but never expected someone to offer to take her.

angelopal · 04/04/2021 17:24

What happens when she is put in a high chair?
It's not normal to have to hold a child that age.

G3ntlemanJ · 04/04/2021 17:26

No, why should you deal with the fallout of ridiculous parenting?

mn81987 · 04/04/2021 17:26

Can't stand other people kids anyway so I def wouldn't be offering to hold them either.

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:26

I just always leave with the vibe that's she's pissed I didn't offer to take the toddler/entertain her.

To be honest I have my own kid 24/7 and I'm glad of the break when he is off playing.

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 04/04/2021 17:27


I think if you did it once it would become the expectation each time you meet - been there, done that.

Pinkdelight3 · 04/04/2021 17:28

At that age I'd think the kid wouldn't want to be held by a stranger (as you'd be to her) so I doubt she's dropping hints for you to take over. If the DC is fussy enough to need holding, she'd insist on it being mum. Rather than offer to hold the kid, did you offer to get a highchair?

pictureframenotperfect · 04/04/2021 17:28


Can't stand other people kids anyway so I def wouldn't be offering to hold them either.

I felt awful writing this but two responses above... her parenting in my opinion is wack and the baby is pandered too and should be able to be put down and I'm not a huge fan of other people's children... I feel awful for it but I just find them quite irritating and not cute... I love my own but fully understand others will feel the same about them 🙈🙈
OP posts:
Caspianberg · 04/04/2021 17:31

I would. Sure it might be down to whatever reason, but for a friend I don’t care. It’s not really that much from my day to help a friend by holding baby/ toddler for 10 mins. It’s 10mins. 10 mins to help allow them drink coffee in peace.
It’s not my place to judge why they might need help

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 17:41

For a new baby yes, for a nearly 2 yo who should go in a high chair, no.

If I'd finished eating then possibly

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/04/2021 17:43

I hardly ever held my DS at that age, it's ridiculous. My back would have totally given out. He knew to stay strapped into his pushchair if he wanted a reward.

FourDecades · 04/04/2021 17:52

No thanks. One of my friends can't bear to be parted from her DC so brings them along sometimes when the group of us meet.

If l hear she's bringing them, l make my excuses and don't go. I don't enjoy spending my rare childfree time having someone else's DC interrupting my conversation and basically being allowed to take over with their "woke" opinions (ages range from 6 to 13yrs)

Dressinggownchic · 04/04/2021 18:06

It’s my idea of hell. I had a friend who did this, didn’t want to leave her toddler but expected us as a group to entertain whilst she relaxed. One afternoon we all went to a five star hotel for a friends birthday afternoon tea as the birthday girl was pregnant... baby friend turned up unexpectedly with her then three year old... we each spent £50 including a tip. The kid helped himself to everyone’s food, screamed, ran around, opened the gift for the birthday girl... all while his mother said how lovely he was. He wasn’t!

I’m now busy when she’s attending.

Mylovelyhorsee · 04/04/2021 18:07

If I’d finished I would offer to hold the child.

Fembot123 · 04/04/2021 18:08

If she’s chosen that style of parenting she can’t complain least of all to someone who isn’t the child’s other parent

Chocolateismakingmefat · 04/04/2021 18:10

Suggest attachment parenting means attached to the parent.
Not the parent's friend...
19 months? Cripes...

ZombeaArthur · 04/04/2021 18:11

For a friend with a baby, I’d do it without question. For a friend with a toddler, not a chance. I’m not going to sacrifice my own childfree time to spend my lunch holding someone else’s wriggly toddler.

AintPageantMaterial · 04/04/2021 18:12

I would absolutely offer to hold a friend’s baby but not a toddler. It’s not your problem and she should be able to put the child down without a scene. And, if she actually wants you to help, then she could bloody well ask instead of dropping whinging ‘poor me’ hints. I refuse to take hints. I find this sort of hinting a bit rude and a bit pathetic tbh.

myknightinshiningwhatever · 04/04/2021 18:12

The toddler is 19 months old. She needs to parent it properly. No child ever died from not being held whilst the parent had a drink or ate something at 19 months old 🙄

modgepodge · 04/04/2021 18:15

My friend used to very kindly hold my daughter for me whenever we met for coffee. But I’m talking when my daughter was 8 months or so or younger, and I never asked or hinted. In fact I asked if she wanted to give her back every 10 minutes or so. By 19m my daughter was in a high chair or pushchair or running around and wouldn’t want t9 have been held all the time! In my experience if a child is that clingy at that age, only certain people will do anyway!

itsgettingwierd · 04/04/2021 18:16

Some children can't be out down as they scream or run off.

But I'm surprised she hasn't thought of using a sling for a toddler that's firmly attached to her.

Don't know mum or child well enough to know reasons - but yanbu not to hold someone's else's child so they can eat and drink if it prevents you from doing the same.

Does child usually use a push chair? Couldn't they sit in that whilst she eats?

FTMF30 · 04/04/2021 18:16


I just always leave with the vibe that's she's pissed I didn't offer to take the toddler/entertain her.

To be honest I have my own kid 24/7 and I'm glad of the break when he is off playing.

She might not be pissed off at you but rather the situation, getting herself in a tizz.

I would sympathise as I had a velcro baby, but at 19 months, it could be due to too much pandering. That's a random guess though without knowing the full situation.
ForgedInFire · 04/04/2021 18:17

I would offer to hold a baby. Not a 19m toddler. I would assume they only wanted their mother anyway. I would be concentrating on not rolling my eyes everytime she complained about it and biting my tongue

FireflyRainbow · 04/04/2021 18:17

Its not fun when people bring toddlers when yours are bigger is it. Or when you leave yours at home but they bring theirs. I wouldn't have wanted to hold the child either.

CirqueDeMorgue · 04/04/2021 18:18


Can't stand other people kids anyway so I def wouldn't be offering to hold them either.

I love MN for this - competitive intolerance of children. Such an odd thing to declare on a forum like this.
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