Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

[Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow]

i think you're over thinking things

[LividLiving]

Are you suggesting that you look “poor”?

[SeeYouInAnotherLife]

Are you a single parent? Rightly or wrongly, many people assume single parents are on a tight budget.

[forinborin]

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

i think you're over thinking things

Ah, maybe, I am very guilty of that sometimes.

[JensonsAcolyte]

Did your neighbours actually say ‘we know how hard it can be’?

Are you a single parent?

What’s your accent? I’ve found people make assumptions either way based on accents.

[whenthebellsring]

Based on your name, do you "look foreign"? If that's not it, then there must be something in your appearance that makes people think so. If not it, then they think everyone is struggling regardless of what they look like and how they're dressed - and they're only trying to be nice.

[needachange11]

Hahaha me and OH were saying this the other day.

We were having our flooring done and he only brought in the cheap carpets samples they were horrible!
Maybe we just look poor we don't make much effort these days 🤣

Or maybe it's a covid thing people assume everyone is struggling.

[TeenMinusTests]

With businesses they probably err on the side of stressing the price before giving the service as otherwise people will say 'I didn't realise how much it was, I can't pay'.

[Oncemoretwicemore]

Either the shop etc has had complaints before when these things aren't pointed out , or you are ticking people's mental boxes as to what someone down on their luck looks like.

[Profiterolegirl]

I would expect the restaurant to make it clear that they may charge more than advertised for the lobster. I would be annoyed if I ordered one at one price and for charged another.
The person thinking you bought songwriter on credit maybe always buys that type of thing on credit and assumed you do too.
Your children maybe mentioned to the neighbour they weren't getting any eggs.
The sales assistant at the expensive shop may not get paid enough themselves to afford the periodically they sell and was giving you the heads up about where you could get it cheaper.
Don't worry about it.

[forinborin]

@LividLiving

Are you suggesting that you look “poor”?

Well, something definitely sends the signal, as these are people who don't know me well / at all. I discussed it with a friend (who is probably more or less in the same financial situation as me), and she has the opposite problem - people try to engage her in activities or sell her things way out of her normal budget, assuming she's much wealthier. I never had anything like this happening to me.

[RosesAndHellebores]

MIL walks around in cheap, worn clothing. Thinks more than £25 on a bag is extravagant and only generally buys in sales. Her children all remember being hungry as children and food was stinged and stretched. Nothing spent on the house and very little observable joy. On holiday the 3 dc had to share a cornet!

They were saving millions and she pays 40% tax on her pension income. She has never had private dental treatment in her life because she won't pay for it - hence her teeth look hideous.

Without seeing you op, I don't think we can say why people make such assumptions. Do your children's clothes fit, do you have full store cupboards, is your post code from a poorer part of town?

[Profiterolegirl]

My phone made some interesting word substitutions there.

[JensonsAcolyte]

Do you wear shell suits?

[forinborin]

@SeeYouInAnotherLife

Are you a single parent? Rightly or wrongly, many people assume single parents are on a tight budget.

Yes, a single parent, but in many of the cases people don't know it.

[Gettingthereslowly2020]

That's a lot of different people assuming you're struggling so I'm guessing it's your clothing/grooming.

I've been so busy, I haven't bothered to buy new clothes or make an effort with my hair. I looked in the mirror last week and I resembled a homeless person. My dress and shoes had holes in and my hair was in a state. I've had a strong word with myself and sorted myself out now.

It's easy to neglect your appearance when you're busy.

[JensonsAcolyte]

I got asked if I was the dog walker as I left my (fairly posh looking) house once. I obviously looked a bit too rough to be the homeowner that day

[GoWalkabout]

You look young maybe? Sales people tend to make snap judgements (or know that their prices might be a shock). Most people do buy on credit and not many people stretch to lobster that often.

[Luckyelephant1]

Like PPs have said, are you a single parent?

Also are you frequently out in pyjamas or outfits that look like pyjamas?

Do you have a general air of unkemptness or looking frazzled, struggling with multiple kids with you etc?

Not saying any of the above is right to assume you are 'poor' but they may give off an air of struggling.

[Tinydinosaur]

How do you dress? Do you check the price tags on everything (like at the boutique)? What job do you do? Is it something typically considered low earning?

It sounds like people think you're poor tbh.

[RosesAndHellebores]

I think the reason she's never had private treatment is because when she does go, she gasps at the NHS price so the dentist has never dared raise the cosmetic work that has been greatly needed for at least 30 years.

[forinborin]

@JensonsAcolyte

Did your neighbours actually say ‘we know how hard it can be’?

Are you a single parent?

What’s your accent? I’ve found people make assumptions either way based on accents.

Maybe not exactly that word by word - I was already flushing deep red at that point, quite embarrassed. She mentioned having to go without sweets at Easter as a child herself, with a general meaning of "I know how hard it is". I mean, it was genuinely from good intentions, but left me a bit puzzled.
Yes, a single parent, with a strong foreign accent.

[ThePricklySheep]

It might be a judgement on their other customers/friends rather than you.

We had this a couple of times when we lived in Leeds - a sort of “oh no, you wouldn’t want to get that done”, when asking for quotes from builders. “It would be very expensive”.

I come across as quite posh (no Leeds accent) and our house was fine so I’m assuming it was other people who didn’t want to spend the money.

(The things were insulating under our wooden floors and replacing a glass pane for a different design of frosted glass so nothing totally ‘out there’!)

[forinborin]

@whenthebellsring

Based on your name, do you "look foreign"? If that's not it, then there must be something in your appearance that makes people think so. If not it, then they think everyone is struggling regardless of what they look like and how they're dressed - and they're only trying to be nice.

Yes, look and sound foreign.

[Tinydinosaur]

Oh, young is a good point! Do you look quite young? Or are you a bit lacking in confidence?