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AIBU?

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Original poster

DHs Business

101 replies

FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 05:12

I've been struggling with this a lot recently.

DH owns a successful business. He works incredibly hard and it makes him very decent money. It has afforded us what would be considered a 'good' life. I have been able to leave work and be at home with our DC, nice home, cars, disposable income etc...

But I honestly cry myself to sleep these days at how alone I feel. I feel like I have no husband. He works all the time and when he's not working he's still not 'here' not in his head, he is always thinking about work and how to keep all the balls in the air, he's stressed and tired all the time.

I can't help thinking I'd fucking give it all up to just have a husband who can come home on a weekend after the 9-5 and enjoy his time with his family. Who actually ever does things with us, for a break, a holiday or days out with our DC where I don't have to go with my Mum (nothing wrong with my Mum!) instead because he's busy.

I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I know I should be grateful but I can't help feeling like I don't fucking care about the house or having things, I just want an actual marriage and someone with time to actually spend with us.

I feel horrid just even typing it though because he works so hard and I know he does it to try and give us a good life but it's almost like he's become addicted in the past years if that makes sense? He's always trying to build more and more, it's never enough, even just to take a break and enjoy the benefits with us for a bit.

I was so upset the other day thinking that if I didn't have my Mum I literally would be alone. I have friends but we all have DC and our own lives now and the only two people I'd ever felt properly close to were my Mum and DH. and I just feel like I've lost him to this business somewhere along the way.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 05:19

Have you told him this?

Tell him. Cry in front of him. Ask if your family and you as a couple can have more of his time.

Do it before you are sleeping in the spare bed...

FiveShelties · 04/04/2021 05:28

Is there anything you could do in the business to take a bit of the pressure off him?

blackcat86 · 04/04/2021 05:29

Could you go back to work? You can't expect your DH to continue to shoulder all the financial burden and relax at home with you to. If you want change then make it happen by contributing financially, booking things for both of you to do together and making new friendships. It is unreasonable to expect your DH to simply put the breaks on and yet expect the business to keep making the same money but it isn't unreasonable to expect him to have the odd day off or a holiday (where he actually switches off or keeps work to a minimum). Could a weekly date night be an option?

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 05:30

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RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 05:31

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Original poster
FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 05:34

@FiveShelties

Is there anything you could do in the business to take a bit of the pressure off him?
I actually do do this which is really the main reason why I never went back to work, I do all of his admin, respond to customers, accounts etc... I'm actually a partner of the business on paper. But I do it from home around our DC. He wanted me to do this as he'd have to hire someone if I didn't and I was glad as it meant I didn't need to go back to full time work with our young DC.

I have helped a lot with the business. We started it together really, he didn't have it when we met and first got together etc..

But it's snowballed so much which is great but also hard as it just takes up every ounce of him and I feel like there's nothing left for us anymore.

OP posts:
Bul21ia · 04/04/2021 05:36

I was going to suggest helping out too? Or could he employ someone else to help as well OP.

Longdistance · 04/04/2021 05:37

I think you should go back to work, even if part time. He will need to step up with childcare and not leave it to you or your dm. Does he even know how you feel?

DianaT1969 · 04/04/2021 05:37

I understand that you feel lonely. For him to slow down, take someone on, delegate, work less hours, perhaps he needs to know he isn't the sole earner? Why don't you go back to work, or join him in the company?

Original poster
FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 05:46

Does he even know how you feel?

To an extent yes. I cried to him last night but he just says he doesn't know what to do about it as 'this is him'.

I know that this is his dream, to do what he's doing and he loves it. But I kind of feel like everyone is just along for his ride if that makes sense?

I should have clarified better in the OP but I really don't do nothing for the business. It was a lot of work and sacrifice to get it started and I really did help with that and still do a lot of stuff for it now. But I feel like we get nothing back, emotionally I mean.

I know he can't just put the breaks on and stop working, I get that. I just wish he could take a long weekend or something, just a holiday or a few days out where I feel like he's actually with us. Just enjoy our children for a few days, his family. But it's always always on his mind, he is always stressed and tired and even on the rare time he's here I just feel like we pester him and he'd rather be alone. I do understand he's knackered but I don't know what to suggest, he doesn't get much down time no but he does have a family so what's the solution? His children are just excited to see him and want to do things with him etc..

I just don't even know what the answer is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 05:50

@Bul21ia

I was going to suggest helping out too? Or could he employ someone else to help as well OP.
He has some employees and I do pretty much all admin/paperwork.

It's set me off this weekend because it's just another bank holiday where he's working instead. The business isn't even open, his employees are all off but he's still there. Just once, one time I just wish he'd think you know what I'm going to spend 4 days with my family instead. But no, the business down time over the bank holiday is spent 'working on new projects whilst it's quiet' instead.

There's just nothing left for us it seems.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 05:55

Can you problem solve this together? First question is does he want to preserve your family together and work on the bond you all have? Ie does he know that eventually he will be a stranger if he continues down this path?

Assuming that is "yes" then do any of the following suit:

  1. Start emplying staff
  2. Add another working partner
  3. Turn work down
  4. Employ someone to do your job, and you get a job outside the business so the family security doesn't all rest on it

Depending on the nature of the business, other solutions might exist. And this might be a conversation to be had over months.

Consider couple's counseling to mediate if necessary.

Basically, now is when you both have to fight for your marriage.

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 05:57

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MaLarkinn · 04/04/2021 05:58

It will only get worse op as he needs to maintain the lifestyle now.

It's very stressful being the sole earner.

Bul21ia · 04/04/2021 06:03

Sorry OP. I don’t want to make you feel worse. But before it’s too late @RewriteHistory has made a good point.

Talk to your husband. Tell him money is not worth your marriage.

Surely your husband can employ another person? How many days does your husband work each week?

Original poster
FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 06:04

@MinesAPintOfTea

Can you problem solve this together? First question is does he want to preserve your family together and work on the bond you all have? Ie does he know that eventually he will be a stranger if he continues down this path?

Assuming that is "yes" then do any of the following suit:

  1. Start emplying staff
  2. Add another working partner
  3. Turn work down
  4. Employ someone to do your job, and you get a job outside the business so the family security doesn't all rest on it

Depending on the nature of the business, other solutions might exist. And this might be a conversation to be had over months.

Consider couple's counseling to mediate if necessary.

Basically, now is when you both have to fight for your marriage.

Thank you.

I will try and have another conversation with him.

But honestly I think partly the reason why I'm so upset is because I know that he doesn't want to do any of that. He's stressed yes but honestly it really isn't because of the financial burden being on him, he is obsessed almost. He openly says he absolutely loves being in business and the pressure etc... And how he'd never ever not do it now, he's a complete workaholic. I know for a fact he'd never do anything like turn down work.

It's a confusing mix because I'm really proud of what he's achieved (and that I've helped him do it) but I do look back to when we first met and he just had this normal job where he'd be home at the weekend and the evenings and we'd have fun together and spend actual time doing things
and have conversations that weren't just about work and I just want that man again. Just sometimes.

OP posts:
RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 06:06

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Original poster
FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 06:06

@MaLarkinn

It will only get worse op as he needs to maintain the lifestyle now.

It's very stressful being the sole earner.

Tbf I don't really consider him to be entirely the sole earner. I'm a partner of the business and I do a lot for it as well. Not as much as he does obviously but I honestly don't do nothing. I should have said that in my OP sorry.
OP posts:
RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 06:08

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Lassolarry1980 · 04/04/2021 06:09

What kind of hours are we talking here?

FiveShelties · 04/04/2021 06:09

It is really difficult running your own business, especially when the economy is in turmoil, but could you sit down together and try to negotiate say one full day off every week. We ran a business and it does take over and it is really hard to ease back, but you need to get some ground rules sorted to enjoy the benefits of working long hours.

We tried to have Sat and Sun afternoons off, but that didn't work as we just kept finding one more thing to sort out and then the day was gone. You need a full day to enjoy as a family day.

I wish you well, it is really tough as at the back of your mind there is always that thought that work may reduce and you just have to keep going hard for one more month/year and on it goes.

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 06:10

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MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 06:10

Don't give up. Ask about counselling for the two of you. Ask if he can make keeping the two of you connected one of his projects. Ask what he wants his home life to look like in 5-10 years.

And if this is who he is, and you can't live like that indefinitely, get yourself a job outside the business for you.

IsthatlambIsmell · 04/04/2021 06:15

It's really tough OP. I know also from experience the kind of situation you're in. However, I'm much further down the resentment line than you are. I don't really have any advice unfortunately. The only advice I can give myself now is to leave. I'm not sure that's what you would want to hear though. As I said the resentment has kicked in for me now. Days off/out feel pressurised to have the best time as it is down time for him but then inevitably turn sour. I hope you manage to resolve this for you, him and your DC.

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 06:19

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