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AIBU?

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Original poster

DHs Business

101 replies

FruitAndToot · 04/04/2021 05:12

I've been struggling with this a lot recently.

DH owns a successful business. He works incredibly hard and it makes him very decent money. It has afforded us what would be considered a 'good' life. I have been able to leave work and be at home with our DC, nice home, cars, disposable income etc...

But I honestly cry myself to sleep these days at how alone I feel. I feel like I have no husband. He works all the time and when he's not working he's still not 'here' not in his head, he is always thinking about work and how to keep all the balls in the air, he's stressed and tired all the time.

I can't help thinking I'd fucking give it all up to just have a husband who can come home on a weekend after the 9-5 and enjoy his time with his family. Who actually ever does things with us, for a break, a holiday or days out with our DC where I don't have to go with my Mum (nothing wrong with my Mum!) instead because he's busy.

I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I know I should be grateful but I can't help feeling like I don't fucking care about the house or having things, I just want an actual marriage and someone with time to actually spend with us.

I feel horrid just even typing it though because he works so hard and I know he does it to try and give us a good life but it's almost like he's become addicted in the past years if that makes sense? He's always trying to build more and more, it's never enough, even just to take a break and enjoy the benefits with us for a bit.

I was so upset the other day thinking that if I didn't have my Mum I literally would be alone. I have friends but we all have DC and our own lives now and the only two people I'd ever felt properly close to were my Mum and DH. and I just feel like I've lost him to this business somewhere along the way.

OP posts:
NeedATan · 04/04/2021 06:32

@blackcat86

Could you go back to work? You can't expect your DH to continue to shoulder all the financial burden and relax at home with you to. If you want change then make it happen by contributing financially, booking things for both of you to do together and making new friendships. It is unreasonable to expect your DH to simply put the breaks on and yet expect the business to keep making the same money but it isn't unreasonable to expect him to have the odd day off or a holiday (where he actually switches off or keeps work to a minimum). Could a weekly date night be an option?
This!
Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 06:36

It's ultimatum time in my opinion. His "dream" can't be allowed to come before his own family without consequence, and you should refuse to be a mere afterthought in your own marriage. Fuck the money, this is no way to live.

He either goes to counselling with you, and reduces the time spent away from the family, or you will be seeing a solicitor about getting a divorce. Before you lay this on him, be sure you have gathered any and all financial information you may need.

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 06:49

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PerseverancePays · 04/04/2021 07:25

I don’t think this is an unusual situation. Possibly your husband is more successful than he ever dreamed he could be and is sucked in to the mad hamster wheel of keeping it all spinning to see what further wonders come his way.
Time for talking, serious talking. He’s letting his family slip away.
Agree on a time for a talk, free of distractions.
You need to thrash out what the problem is , he’s checked out of family life. Don’t get side tracked with I do it all for you, you are not a family in a cupboard for him to come back to when he retires, or any other blaming side tracks. Stick with what the problem is. Do not go for any solutions until you agree together on what the problem is.
Once you agree on what the problem is , generate solutions. Make sure he comes up with as many as you do. Evaluate the solutions and choose some.
Check in weekly, monthly that the solutions are working.

AmyLou100 · 04/04/2021 07:30

You can't have it both ways. You can't expect the lifestyle you have and want all that you want as well. I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable but you must realise that it has to come at an expense of something. Do you really think anyone would enjoy being stressed all the time or choose to be like this?

Fwiw my dh is like this. He works in a very stressful job, Market related which doesn't really shut down. He is always busy with something although he tries to be present. I'm a sahm with 2 dc and it is tough at times but I know this is what it is. I do think being self employed is very hard work and I know people who are like your dh. It's not as easy as employing others and passing off the work.

PriestessofPing · 04/04/2021 07:35

Well it sounds like his dream is his business and that’s his only dream. Your kids must barely see him either, and that too is a choice of his. He’d rather work a bank holiday weekend than spend time with his children and his wife.

I honestly don’t know if you can do anything if you’ve talked to him and he most says this is who he is. This is what he’s chosen. I think maybe you should have another go at explaining that his kids won’t thank him for the nice lifestyle if they barely even know who he is - providing for children is about so much more than material things. In fact, the biggest positive you can give to your children (or anyone for that matter) is your engaged attention. Possessions don’t make up for that and cannot replace that. His kids will grow up knowing they were second best to their dad, an afterthought. So if he tries to pull the old he works this hard to provide for you all - call him on it. He’s NOT providing for any of you in the way that truly counts.

And they will have watched you being one too and think well that’s what marriages are. Honestly you deserve so much more than this and so do the kids.

knocke · 04/04/2021 07:43

My dad was a workaholic who thrived on the pressure etc & had a very high income. It was the main reason my parents separated as my mum got sick of being alone.

ZooeyS · 04/04/2021 07:45

My dh is the same. It was brilliant a few years ago when the business was doing fine, but it’s success has snowballed and now he doesn’t stop. He’ll be working all weekend (and when he’s not working he’s exhausted/grumpy/drinking due to stress). I’ve talked to him about it but it’s hard to argue when he says he’s doing it for me and our children, and when we’re retired in ten years it’ll all be worth it. Honestly I think he’ll have a heart attack before he gets to 50.

knocke · 04/04/2021 07:47

As a result of my dad I also tried to pick a DH who wasn't consumed with work as I didn't want that for my dc.

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2021 07:57

Op, he’s not going to change, as he says. This is who he is. Trying to force a change is likely going to cause huge resentment in him. The answer is not to sit and resent him for his choices, but to take control of your life.

You need to decide if you wish to stay in the marriage or not. I suspect the answer to that is yes, so If you’re lonely start to look to ways you can find a network of friends ans acquaintances to alleviate that lonely ness. Your world sounds very small indeed.

Is there anything you enjoy doing, something you want to learn, think of clubs you could join, classes you could do. What about volunteering. Charity work, food banks, these are all ways to meet new people.

So the answer, if you don’t wish to loose your marriage is to expand your own world. To create something that makes you happy and fulfilled. Sitting crying because you’re lonely and only have your mum ans husband is not going to change anything, forcing him to change the way he works will just cause different problems.

So it’s time to make your world bigger and seek fulfilment for yourself in other ways.

user1497207191 · 04/04/2021 07:59

It's one of the realities of running your own business I'm afraid. You can't "tread water", if you don't grown/develop it, it will stagnate and decline. And yes, you get the "glib" comments of "take on staff" but people don't realise how hard it is to find decent staff, especially if skills/knowledge are needed. A busy business owner may well know s/he needs someone, but doesn't have time to train them. It's classic chicken and egg. Quicker to just do it yourself rather than spend twice the time training someone else to do it.

I've been there and it's not a good place. I've had clients in the same situation. I was a sole trader and took on 3 staff. It made me busier than ever because I had to spend time setting up the systems, then training/managing them, then had to work to get more clients to pay their wages, and so it went on. I ended up working more hours not less.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/04/2021 08:08

Has he always been self employed or is this fairly new?

He sounds like a workaholic to me, and he's doing it because he wants to. Chances are, if he got a job, and it was the type of job where you were expected to, or got away with long hours, he'd still do that because that's what he enjoys or how he assesses his self worth.

He could turn work down, or make customers wait, or employ more staff, but he won't, because then he'll have to do something other than work and it sounds like he doesn't want to.

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 08:21

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RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 08:27

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LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 04/04/2021 08:33

@FiveShelties "It is really difficult running your own business, especially when the economy is in turmoil, but could you sit down together and try to negotiate"
This - a lot of people underestimate how stressful running a business is. It's taking on a lot of risk - and to mitigate that you need to be doing "more" incase it gets hit and has to be scaled back then you can still survive. also, a lot of work will secure more work in the future. A lot of this is about security. He may also have the added responsibility of employees, who will need secure employment and wages. And yes, this is a responsibility.
I also think that it maybe if the company grows enough he could take a step back after say 5 years.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 04/04/2021 08:34

@user1497207191 put it better than me!

mamas12 · 04/04/2021 08:38

Wow does he really know how you and the dcs feel
Has he had the dcs on their own while you’re out as that might help focus him on them for a while
Do you enjoy working for the business or do you think a different job would help you

RewriteHistory · 04/04/2021 08:39

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BigFatLiar · 04/04/2021 08:40

He's working hard because he enjoys it not just to provide the lifestyle you have. Sometimes you work so hard your life passes you by. He's providing for his family but not taking the time to enjoy having a family.

MargosKaftan · 04/04/2021 08:43

In your position, I would change the dynamic that this business is everything.

So start looking for a job of your own outside the business. You have experience that would make a good office manager or PA. If you are earning a wage not linked to the business, this will give you the option to push back.

He can hire someone to do the admin work you did. The drop in profit from the business will be offset by your wage and you will have a pension and income not reliant on the business.

He sounds the sort that even if he had a 9-5 job, he'd be putting in extra hours because this project needed finishing or there was overtime payments or he needed to go above and beyond to get promotion/a decent bonus. Some people just prefer to focus on work and don't enjoy family life. Being self employed is really an excuse.

He's not doing those hours for you or the kids, hes doing them because he wants to focus on his business more than family.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/04/2021 08:46

Do you really think anyone would enjoy being stressed all the time or choose to be like this?

Yes. Some people are complete workaholics and won't stop even if it ruins their marriage.

dancemom · 04/04/2021 08:52

Does he take any days off? Expecting someone SE to close down their business for 4 days in a row is quite a lot

GoWalkabout · 04/04/2021 08:53

Some workaholics keep busy to keep other stuff out of their heads. 'This is him'. Why not tell him 'this is me - son who needs a partner, weekends, evenings together and to live our life not just watch you work. This could be great. If he realises he can take mandated time off and the world does not fall apart you could get best of both worlds.

GoWalkabout · 04/04/2021 08:54

*son = someone

MissSmiley · 04/04/2021 08:58

@FruitAndToot my stbxh is like this, after 20 years of feeling like a single parent I left him and the business, he still works 24/7, I retrained and work full time, I'm much happier