DHs Business

[FruitAndToot]

I've been struggling with this a lot recently.

DH owns a successful business. He works incredibly hard and it makes him very decent money. It has afforded us what would be considered a 'good' life. I have been able to leave work and be at home with our DC, nice home, cars, disposable income etc...

But I honestly cry myself to sleep these days at how alone I feel. I feel like I have no husband. He works all the time and when he's not working he's still not 'here' not in his head, he is always thinking about work and how to keep all the balls in the air, he's stressed and tired all the time.

I can't help thinking I'd fucking give it all up to just have a husband who can come home on a weekend after the 9-5 and enjoy his time with his family. Who actually ever does things with us, for a break, a holiday or days out with our DC where I don't have to go with my Mum (nothing wrong with my Mum!) instead because he's busy.

I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I know I should be grateful but I can't help feeling like I don't fucking care about the house or having things, I just want an actual marriage and someone with time to actually spend with us.

I feel horrid just even typing it though because he works so hard and I know he does it to try and give us a good life but it's almost like he's become addicted in the past years if that makes sense? He's always trying to build more and more, it's never enough, even just to take a break and enjoy the benefits with us for a bit.

I was so upset the other day thinking that if I didn't have my Mum I literally would be alone. I have friends but we all have DC and our own lives now and the only two people I'd ever felt properly close to were my Mum and DH. and I just feel like I've lost him to this business somewhere along the way.

But would he actually be able to organise anything regarding his own dc? He has left their upbringing to the op it seems. My exh fought for access but didn't actually bother that much. Far too much effort involved...

I think people are paying too much attention to the fact he works for himself. this has got nothing to do with being SE. as I said there are many many threads on mumsnet about lawyers in particular, people who are workaholics for whatever business it is.

it's like any other form of addiction. in the end you stand there, emotionally, in front of the other person and you say to them:
am I more important than this other thing? whatever it may be - be it alcoholism, or any other form of addiction, workaholic etc.

and what you really want the other person to say is : no, you are more important to me. but the fact is they don't. you are not the most important thing to them.

And that's not a very pleasant thing to swallow.

YANBU DH and I run a business together. He's the out and about one, I'm the paperwork one.

Part of what we considered successful was that he would be home 50% of the daytime in the week. So half days, or working three days. And still be able to live comfortably. We're there now. We're not loaded, but we're comfortable, we have a normal house on a normal housing estate and in 5 years we'll have enough savings to upgrade.

You need to trade off your finances and his working life. Sounds like he's bringing home ALOT so employ someone to take some of the workload and take a cut in pay. You can't have your cake and eat it,

Had a partner like this and finally left him after I could take all the countless broken promises of trying harder to remember we existed. Now feel myself again and no longer lonely living with the absence of someone who chose work over us.
Took a long time to get over the anger of realising I'd essentially been brought in (in his mind) as outsourced free labor to provide a womb for his genetics, childcare, sexual attention, wifework, domestic admin and all the things he didnt want to deal with- all so he could Swan about as the big important businessman with a backdrop of 'family' he could dip in and out of. It was crushing realising, despite all his words, his actions showed that he had no regard for our little families needs or my aspirations, it was so lonely, its always about his needs. All promises were absolute lies, being professionally driven is one thing but these people chose to work excessively and lots enjoy it. On one very telling occasion he was almost sadistically gleeful about how much he overworked and -he- 'sacrificed'!! There was never the big payoff of work calming down and getting an equal life, there was always something new he had to dedicate his time to. The question is, if he's promised and failed to change repeatedly and describes time with you negatively, are you ok with living a life with him forever chosing (over)work over you?

It’s an addiction, and one that is particularly hard to recognise as hard work is seen as a good thing, even you recognise the benefits it’s brought. When you’re addicted you get your buzz, validation and your pleasure from work, family life feels like an irritation and a chore, you keep working even as it destroys your health and your relationships. If your DH can recognise this as a problem and you can build a different shared vision of what work is for that is more balanced then you can perhaps get a life that works better for all of you. I wish you luck with this as it’s a really hard one.

OP,

You know him and I don't think he is going to change.

Park him and focus on yourself and your future.
You need to get childcare into the home, paid by him so you can return to work.

He needs to pay someone to fill the role you did in the company.

You need to focus on establishing a separate life whilst you decide about separation.

Him saying he's bored and it's a waste of time when we very rarely takes time off to be with his family is key.

He's a shit father too.

You need to forget about him and decide what YOU want from your life.

The truth is you are no longer important to him.

It sounds like he’s become an incredibly boring, selfish person with no interest in doing anything outside of his job. You don’t really do anything together, you don’t have quality time as a family, he’s not hearing you say that your needs aren’t being met, he’s just choosing to spend his ‘free’ time on his business. Well, his business isn’t a living person. What he’s doing is totally neglectful as a husband and father.

Where's your self worth?
Do you not think you deserve better than this?
How could you allow him to do this? To you? To your children.

Your children deserve a better father, a better role model.

I know me and the DC deserve more.

It's just so hard when he used to be so different. This is not the man I met which is what is so upsetting because I've seen how he can be, it's hard to let go of the hope that I might get that back.

When he said that it feels a waste of time to have a day or days off, and you told him that that was really hurtful - what did he say? How could he not get it? It's not rocket science.

I bet even Richard Branson, Steve Jobs etc all took holidays.

I think you have come to a crossroads in your life. I would suggest a very big chat with him. Try and get across to him how he may be a workaholic and absolutely love his work but it's the amount he is doing which is the issue for you. Tell him in clear words that his kids want a dad. You want a husband. And that that is fair enough!

And if he somehow argues against this (how??) then you will have to tell him that you will be seriously thinking about splitting up because you want a husband and your kids want a dad and maybe stepdad will do a better job than him .

Such a sad situation when he is so blind. Good luck.

@FruitAndToot I fall into the same mindset as him, sometimes.

I have a business, and it’s my pride and joy. I have previously spent every waking minute on it. I often work a bit over weekends. I think about it a lot. If I’m not careful, I can throw myself into it and spend weeks at a time where I’m either working, or thinking about working. I did that for two years when my last relationship broke down... I wasn’t enjoying life and focused entirely on my business instead.

For me, I have a strong tendency to get all my feelings of self worth from my business, and I have a fear of failure that’s there even when we’re doing fantastically. I always want to be doing the next bit.

From what you’ve said, he seems to be the same - and it sounds like he’s not enjoying the time he spends with you all, so he wants to be working instead. Sometimes there’s probably a truth to it, that he needs to work, but most of the time, he’s making the choice.

I think you start your conversation there. Ask him to suggest things he does want to do with you all.

My husband works for me in a similar way to you do; so he has a good visibility of what’s booked in, although he often overlooks the behind the scenes stuff that I have to do. But, we have an agreement about when I’ll work. We try to do normal working hours, and my laptop is usually away by 5:30pm. We can take time off if we want to. Before lockdown, I didn’t work weekends... I’ve been a bit more rubbish at that this year, but we’re saving for a move and there’s not much to do in lockdown anyway, so I worked a bit yesterday and I’ll work a bit today, too.

At the end of the day, if his answer is that he’s happier working than with you all and he doesn’t want to change that, even if it’s upsetting you, you probably have a hard decision to make.

If he’s doing the wrong thing from the right place, there’s probably a good compromise here.

I feel like a single parent most of the time

I know you probably didn’t mean it like I’m taking this but honestly, you do not have the life of a single parent. Not by a long, long, long shot.

As a single parent you will do everything for your kids, work full time (and some), be reposnisble for the house and be extremely lucky if you manage to get more than £20 a week in maintenance from your self employed husband. For some perspective on that, my highly successful self employed ex has got away without paying any maintenance whatsoever for the last 14 years.

If the single life is not for you, you need to sit him down and talk about how all of this is making you feel and highlight what it is you think he could do to make things better. Otherwise, leave. The only difference will be financial and you can build that up for yourself.

I apologise that people took offense to the single parent thing. All I meant by it was I feel like am doing all the parenting single handedly.

It’s just me. Over-sensitive! Yes, you are parenting single-handedly and that’s not fair or reasonable. Try and talk to him before it gets to the point of no return.

I’d tell him dc and I are going away for 2 weeks in June, and that you want him to use this time to decide if he actually wants a family.
How much inconvenience would it cause him for you to quit the business? Realistically ,if you left him, how might it work?

@FruitAndToot

I apologise that people took offense to the single parent thing. All I meant by it was I feel like am doing all the parenting single handedly.

But he’s doing the bulk of the work himself to support the family. It’s nothing like being single, you’d have to do it all plus work enough to cover your costs with no support.

Maybe he’s a workaholic, maybe he wants his children to have a nice lifestyle etc.

I have a similar situation to you OP and honestly I'm at breaking point. In a way I feel that by breaking up the marriage I would have more time to myself as my husband would have to look after the children sometimes.

My husband seems to come alive when he works. He gets off on every new enquiry, every new piece of business won. He never puts the social effort into us that he seems to put into his clients and prospective clients.

I am on my own every single night while my husband works until eleven in the home office. I work with him a few hours every day during the week and do everything for the children and the house.

I am always being told it is a busy month, there are deadlines, lots of projects finishing at once so a busy period but I cant remember a time when my husband didnt work 7 days per week until late into the night.

A good friend of mine who has known about our situation for a long time has suggested setting me up with single friends she knows so that I can have a special friend for companionship. I am young enough to know that I need to leave so that I can live again. If it wasnt for the kids I would have left ages ago.

Sorry OP it's tough just wanted to say I get it and I'm sorry.

* A good friend of mine who has known about our situation for a long time has suggested setting me up with single friends she knows so that I can have a special friend for companionship. I am young enough to know that I need to leave so that I can live again. If it wasnt for the kids I would have left ages ago.*

I am a single parent
I don’t need a “special friend for compansionship”

Friends are friends. Whether married or single and should invest in that friendship.

I have been for a three hour walk this morning with a friend.
She’s happily married

Thanks Lasso. I am not taking my friend up on the offer. I just think my friend is worried about me feeling lonely at home every night in my own home.

@Springyspring281

Thanks Lasso. I am not taking my friend up on the offer. I just think my friend is worried about me feeling lonely at home every night in my own home.

Kind offer But I’d be utterly floored if one of my friends suggested this.

I’d think - if you’re worried, then what’s stopping you from popping around in the evenings?

To be fair though, I’m not unhappy as a single parent and probably be more baffled if a friend suggested this

Lasso - friend meant life is passing you by I'll set you up with a man you can have a companionship with. I can see my friend whenever I like... sorry for the confusion. She thinks I'm too young not to have some kind of love in my life. The offer was coming from a good place she thinks I could do with a special companion as I barely see my husband and he doesn't want to change that.

@Springyspring281

Lasso - friend meant life is passing you by I'll set you up with a man you can have a companionship with. I can see my friend whenever I like... sorry for the confusion. She thinks I'm too young not to have some kind of love in my life. The offer was coming from a good place she thinks I could do with a special companion as I barely see my husband and he doesn't want to change that.

Ah... set you up! Totally different.

Although why a special friend for companionship

And not “I know a great guy who I think you’ll find attractive, have lots of fun with and possibly hot sex with!” Is now a little baffling to me!

Lasso I think what the friend really means is you'll be happier with another man than your workaholic husband!!!!!! Get divorced!! There is life on the other side!!

@Springyspring281

Lasso I think what the friend really means is you'll be happier with another man than your workaholic husband!!!!!! Get divorced!! There is life on the other side!!

Should have said this then

@FruitAndToot

Thanks for everyone's advice. I need to do some serious thinking.

I think you need counselling. I think you need to find out for definite what you want.

And when you know, you can sit him down and tell him. He can take the opportunity to reconnect with his family. Or not. And you'll already know what you want to do for you.
If that turns out that you don't want to be sitting at home waiting for him then you can do something about it.