DHs Business

[FruitAndToot]

I've been struggling with this a lot recently.

DH owns a successful business. He works incredibly hard and it makes him very decent money. It has afforded us what would be considered a 'good' life. I have been able to leave work and be at home with our DC, nice home, cars, disposable income etc...

But I honestly cry myself to sleep these days at how alone I feel. I feel like I have no husband. He works all the time and when he's not working he's still not 'here' not in his head, he is always thinking about work and how to keep all the balls in the air, he's stressed and tired all the time.

I can't help thinking I'd fucking give it all up to just have a husband who can come home on a weekend after the 9-5 and enjoy his time with his family. Who actually ever does things with us, for a break, a holiday or days out with our DC where I don't have to go with my Mum (nothing wrong with my Mum!) instead because he's busy.

I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I know I should be grateful but I can't help feeling like I don't fucking care about the house or having things, I just want an actual marriage and someone with time to actually spend with us.

I feel horrid just even typing it though because he works so hard and I know he does it to try and give us a good life but it's almost like he's become addicted in the past years if that makes sense? He's always trying to build more and more, it's never enough, even just to take a break and enjoy the benefits with us for a bit.

I was so upset the other day thinking that if I didn't have my Mum I literally would be alone. I have friends but we all have DC and our own lives now and the only two people I'd ever felt properly close to were my Mum and DH. and I just feel like I've lost him to this business somewhere along the way.

You do know the truth, it's just you see in denial and can't bare to face it.

" 'this is him'. "

If that's his attitude, where else is there to go. You knew this about him before you married him? You've known all along.

What are you realistically expecting now?

Mn is full of threads filled with women married to workaholics. Mostly lawyers. Read a few of them. You will realise that there is no answer. None. Women leave and file for divorce. The men see their kids less. The men don't even care then. Wake up and smell the coffee.

YANBU. He’s not a single man. He has responsibilities to you and to his children. He’s not providing the nice life for you all that he thinks he is - he’s being utterly selfish and substituting his time for stuff. He’s doing what he wants to do with every moment of his time and there’s no consideration of anyone else.

I’m interested to understand where his idea that he’s compensating perfectly well for being a pretty absent father / husband comes from. Has he previously shown signs of being materialistic? Been made redundant? What’s his background with his parents like - did his father work long hours?

I would feel exactly the same as you - this is no way to live and it benefits nobody but himself.

I also think that it maybe if the company grows enough he could take a step back after say 5 years

If I genuinely thought this I could probably get behind it. But I know him and I honestly think he'll work until the day he dies. Honestly I am not being dramatic he is absolutely obsessed. Any time off he's had in the past few years (which is barely anything) he's always saying how he hates it, feels like a waste of time etc... I've tried to tell him how hurtful that is that he sees spending time with his family as a waste if his time but he doesn't get it.

Does he take any days off? Expecting someone SE to close down their business for 4 days in a row is quite a lot

No. Occasionally, very very occasionally, he will have Sunday off. But it's spent moaning about how bored/tired he is, what a waste of time it is etc...

His business is closed down for 4 days that's the point. His staff don't work bank holidays and his business is not open to customers over bank holidays but he still goes in. Rather than just even spending one or two of them with us. I know the business and I know it's not going to collapse because he has a bank holiday off once a year.

People saying he's a workaholic rather than having to work this hard are right imo. I see how he is and I also am well aware of the ins and outs of the business and how busy it is and I know there could be more time spent here but he genuinely enjoys being there, more than he enjoys being with us.

And those saying I can't expect to keep the lifestyle without the business. I know, I said in my OP I'd happily give it up. I understand that's not really realistic now but I would.

He would never get another 9-5 job, he's already said that. If this business failed he'd start another one. He's found something he loves to do and doesn't want to stop (even for a day to spend with his family).

There is just no give and take.

I feel like the 'its all for you' stuff only goes so far. My DC don't care what car he drives, they want to make memories with their Dad.

I thought the idea of successful businesses are you sell them one day for a shed load of cash? Perhaps you need to talk to him about what his plans are long term?

I'm at a loss as to what other posters seriously think is going to resolve this.

This is very much a choice of his.

A relative had a very successful company (multi-million turnover and large profit margin) and once it was established after 3/4 years he never worked late or on weekends and took proper holidays every year.

He worked to live a nice life. He was a very hard worker but not a workaholic. I had firsthand experience as I worked for him for a few years. He didn’t expect any overtime or weekend working and regularly checked we’d taken holiday.

Your husband is choosing this so your decision is can you live like that? You can’t change another person’s behaviour, only your own.

What I meant by single parent is that I feel like I'm the only one doing any parenting.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I need to do some serious thinking.

I think you need to be brutally honest with him that your marriage is fading away fast and he has no real relationship with the DC because he is never truly present with any of you.

If you divorced he would have to change his working pattern to have contact time with the DC!

He needs to address his workaholicism otherwise what's the point of being a family???

Have you considered discussing with DH the kids need for a father figure and your need for a partner?

Explaining that he's obviously abdicated himself from those responsibilities, so who would he like to take them on?

Should you hire a manny who will play board games with the kids? Read to them, help with their homework etc as well as being company for you, or would he prefer to take on that role?

Put it in black & white. You didn't marry someone to be lonely and he should not have fathered children if he didn't want to be a parent, so the onus is now on him to either state clearly that he he not prepared to be either a decent husband or father, leaving you to find someone who is, or he can change and step up into those roles.

I think it's pretty clear he isn't going to change. He loves working. He's said he doesn't like having time off and it's a 'waste'.

So it comes down to what you want, really.
Can you live like this? Perhaps with some slight compromises from him down the line, but no radical change.
I don't think there's much you can do but consider separating. You sound very lonely and that's not how marriage should be.

Honestly? I think owning your own business is a serious risk and means you can’t afford to stop moving, unless you’re incredibly lucky to have an infrastructure in place where you can step back. If I were you, I would hand over my tasks to someone else in the company and either study or get my own career.

Not everyone has the same wants in life, and you two seem pretty incompatible in that you want to “make memories” and he wants to run a business. I think it’s really unreasonable to say you feel like a single mother—you are in a very fortunate positon. It’s easy to focus on what you’re missing in life, but most single mothers don’t have a husband bringing in lots of money and the flexibility of being able to work around children!

He’s clealry the kind of man who gets a lot of his satisfaction from work. Spending lots of time with family and making memories is not going to make him happy. Because of his work, you have the ability to do this with your time if you choose. You need to decided if that’s enough, while considering the fact that if you end this you’ll have even less time for that. Because you have a ridiculous idea of what being a single parent would entail.

You really need to find a job away from the business. Even if you dont need the money, it will at least give you options if this becomes too unbearable for you.

He doesn't need to work these hours, he prefers being at work than with you and the dcs. Listen to him, he doesn't want to be a husband and dad. I presume you are there because he wants someone to look after the home and have sex with, but doesn't enjoy spending time with you.

If that's the case, you really really need to build your own career, pension and life away from him. You might stay together, but get yourself into the position that if it gets too much you can walk away.

That's often the problem with running your own.

You are painfully aware of no sick and holiday pay etc and if you are not there, no/much less money in your pocket. So tou try to build it up as much as you can, as quickly as you can and spend basically 24 hours at least thinking about it.

We have a rule of 1 day off with no business doing whatsoever. We don't have kids though so bit different, but in the end as partners we ought to spend time together kids or no kids.

And I agree with pp. You need something different and separate. Even if it's couple of hours helping in charity shop.
It will give you a break, and both of you something to talk about. We both do our own things as well as together exactly for this reason

You can try couple counselling or an ultimatum but you will probably have to put up with it or leave. It's an illness like drink or drugs but less antisocial. Bad for family life

It’s really tough. Me and dh run our own business together, have been quite successful and made a nice life (we have 2 dc) but there have been many times I have struggled with workaholism (dh too but to a lesser extent). It’s something I have to work really hard on controlling and it’s come back a bit lately due to the pressures of the pandemic.
What happens when you’re addicted is that you only feel ok when you are working. If you’re not working, then you feel stressed and irritable, I crave the feeling of security that only comes from work- its just like a drug. Despite being very comfortably off, I worried about money a lot and felt guilty for relaxing or wasting time in non-income generating activities. So it’s not actually a choice to reject you or the family personally.
That said, things obviously need to change, I can’t say for certain the best way to approach it but I found the Emyth books (by Michael Gerber) incredibly useful in changing the way I thought about my business. I’d recommend them to any self employed person. The basic premise is that working on your business (to create something that isn’t dependent on you) is completely different to working in your business (where everything goes wrong if you step out for a second). Systems for staff mean that the day to day activities can be taken care of routinely without the employers input, leaving the employer free to have a life.
Something that’s did motivate me was losing two young-ish friends suddenly. How would our business cope if me or dh were ill or died? That was my motivation to build a business that works for me, rather than one that I work for.

But if he doesn't want to take time off, not that he fears losing money or there's too much work or anything forcing him in, but he actively chosing work over family life, theres nothing to fix that.

If he had a salaried job he'd do unpaid overtime, or have to study or something else to take him away from home.

The OP needs to find a way to cope with this long term. And long term, having a job elsewhere, her own income not reliant on him, her own pension not reliant on him, a group of friends and support not involving him.

The comment about being a single mother but with him sleeping in the house rings true for so many of my friends who have divorced. Because they came to the conclusion life would be easier without having to factor him in, and the hope of meeting someone else who might want to spend time with you.

OP - be in the position if that feeling hits, you can walk away. Just knowing you can might help you cope.

The fact that he regards time spent with you and dc as ‘boring’ & ‘a waste of time’ is awful. He's (allegedly) doing this all for you but finds spending time with you as a waste

I’m self employed and a member of a number of groups for self employed people. I get the pressure, the drive to succeed, the determination that drives you on but as PP have said, what is it all actually for if at the end of the day you walk away and he’s left with his lovely big shiny successful business - and nothing else....

What @SPLUGSYMALONE said.

The lack of balance would drive me mental.
He sounds obsessed... and I say that as a business owner myself.

Very convenient for him that you and granny are doing all the parenting. No wonder you’re feeling frustrated.

Ask him genuinely if you split up how would he manage his dc 50/50?
If his work is shut now where actually is he?

Are you certain he is at work ?

I agree, you need to find happiness without him, & should look for another job, or part time job. & hire a nanny, if you have boys, I have a friend who has an male Ozzie nanny, he does great outdoor stuff, picnic, camps, fishing, etc, swimming, play football, (replacement father)
tell your H, you need social interaction, & that if you end up meeting someone who cares about you, then not to be surprised.

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Ask him genuinely if you split up how would he manage his dc 50/50? If his work is shut now where actually is he?

I never understand why people think this is like some form of big obstacle

The answer is easy, he’d get child care. Like any other working parent. A live in nanny, or a child minder who did the school runs.

Paid child care is a thing you know.