Feel like a failure of a mother

[Sjdmcfeet]

First Post- I just feel so down and need somebody to talk to
DD has just turned 2 and is a happy , funny lovable child but has not uttered one word , not a single word , no mummy or daddy absoloutley nothing , she engages well in play but despite all encouragement from me and DH/ nursery there is no verbal communication at all . She babbles and hums along when we do sing along time , can hum the full tune of twinkle twinkle but no other conversation or words
I read to her , am constantly talking to her as is DH and give lots of eye contact ,point at objects etc and try and get her to repeat the words she just doesn't seem interested, DD is constantly on the go and seems to enjoy independent play more than me sitting with her playing , example tonight I sat on the floor with her building and counting lego blocks , DD took these off me then proceeded to do her own thing
She will.do things like for example today I went to put her shoes on and she lifts her foot in my direction same wirh putting coat on will put her arm out to me so I'm sure she understands some things

I have spent the whole evening in tears away from DD sat upstairs told my DH I had headache and needed a lie down because I just can't understand where I have gone wrong as a mother and why DD isn't picking up any speech , DH who is very supportive and a fantastic hands on dad says ' she will do it in her own time don't force it and isn't remotely concerned and thinks I'm worrying about nothing '
I have phoned health visitor and 2 year check due to delays caused by Covid won't be for another 3|4 months I am advised
Spoken with nursery they will 'keep an eye on her ' but again they are not worried either
Yet on the NHS website she should be saying 50 words apparently by two years old??

Attends nursery 2 days a week and has done for the last 1 years as she is an only child so really needs to socialise with others

Met friends in the park today , friends daughter is 3 months younger and so much more advanced in speech , I burst out crying in the car again and still can't understand where I have gone so wrong and failed my child terribly, am I not doing the right things with her??

Stop worrying.

Children talk and walk and count and read, and laugh and all the other things when they are ready and not before.

Your little one sounds delightful and you should enjoy her company and not expect her to do something just because another child does it.

She’s JUST turned 2 not sure why you would feel like a failure speech delays are not uncommon and you shouldn’t really compare to other kids

OP please stop beating yourself up. You are doing all the right things, and DD will talk when she's ready. There is nothing you can do to force her - you'll probably find that when she does start she'll go to full sentences etc much quicker than early talkers and this time next year you'll wonder what you were worrying about. .

You are not a failure, kids are funny creatures and work on their own timing. The NHS is just a guideline and is absolutely not a fact for every child.

I've heard so many stories of kids not speaking at all and then all of a sudden there's no stopping them. I think we all just have a vision of how we want our children to be and follow the rule of meeting milestones and the same ages, it just doesn't always happen.

She will talk when she's ready to and if she doesn't and it concerns you further then get some advice when you are able to. Just don't fret and don't feel like you're a failure, because you're not x

OP, I don't know why your dc isn't talking yet. She is still within the realm of "normal" so she may just be a late bloomer, or there may be some other cause. It's too early to say, but I would talk to your GP if you are worried.

The thing that struck me in your post was that you have jumped to the very illogical conclusion that you have somehow caused this issue. This chances of this being the case are vanishingly small. Even if your dd does turn out to have some sort of speech delay - and this is by no means a given - it is extremely unlikely that you have contributed to this in any way.

In the nicest possible way, you need to give your head a gentle wobble and realise that this isn't all about you. As parents, we are hugely important, but there is a huge amount that is beyond our control. Your dd is developing according to her own timetable. You have not done anything wrong.

She will just be a late bloomer - make an appt with your GP to put your mind at rest.

But what’s striking from your post is your eagerness to blame yourself, when you must know that you are doing everything you are supposed to. Life is hard right now but I also wonder if you are suffering from anxiety or depression? If so, chat to your GP about that too. You do need to find a way to relax a bit and not over react so much, or you will make yourself ill.

You are not a failure. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for your DD. The same thing happened with my sister. My Mum thought there was something wrong because she didn’t speak but when she did, although it was much much later than me, she spoke in complete sentences! So she was obviously paying attention.

Thanks everybody for your replies I have read every single one of them and do feel I need to relax
My DD is happy and healthy and loves to run and play, everybody comments what a happy child she is , I do get obsessed at times that I want everything to be perfect for her so I do need to relax , I struggled to conceive for years and I prayed everyday for my DD and always said if I was ever lucky enough to be a mother I would be the best mummy I could be

@ekgems sorry about your son x

Sorry I lost my mind temporarily I hope your little baby is ok

My 2 year old has 1 functional word, his older brother was a complete chatterbox, all kids are different, it’s not because you are failing.

You need to be a good enough mum, not a perfect one.
A perfect mum doesn't exist and trying to be one will only damage you and then your dc.

It is easier said than done but don't compare your dc to others.
Enjoy all the lovely things about your own dc.

You are not a bad Mother at all,and don't compare things with other children. If you get in a crying and worrying state, you are going to keep feeling unhappy. Your daughter sounds like a happy little child,and you play with her lots.The only thing I was thinking, was have you had her ears checked at all, to see if all is well there.

Hi, really common problem and I've said YANBU because every mum wants their child to be hitting milestones and it is a worry when they don't. But your child is very likely to catch up and then you'll then back and feel silly for being so anxious

I recommend work on animal noises, actions songs and a few very simple words in context together with shaking head and nodding for yes and no.

Don't go crazy about it, just get her attention and point at your mouth and make the sound very exaggerated and long repeat slowly a few times like "mooooo mooooo" when you are reading a book with a cow in, or "bubble, bub bub bub" when you are in the bath , then say "Now your turn" and point at her mouth, and let her have a go. Wait in silence for a bit. At first she won't try but if she makes any sound at all look delighted and say, "yes, moooo". Keep doing it the same way. Pretty soon you will find she watching your mouth and it is a short step to copying the shapes your mouth makes. Those sounds, "oooo", "ahhhh" and the easy consonants like duh and cuh and muh and buh are good ones to start.

My DD got a long way with "dat" ("that") for ages, but when she started talking it came in a flood. DS was hopeless and would not speak for ages, he would eventually copy words then forget them again, very weird, but he appeared to understand everything. He's nearly two and half now but still slow to speak, has still less than 50 words but he has figured out a little sign language of his own, can put on his shoes and coat and hat, ride his balance bike like a pro and is getting on well with crayons and feeding himself. So I'm not worried.

If Nursery isn't worried I would take that as a BIG positive as they see a lot of 2 year olds.

No words at all by 2 would I believe meet referral criteria in many areas. Therefore with the HV delay I would make a GP appointment to discuss things - this will probably be a phone appt at the moment and that's ok. Together you can make a plan for whether hearing needs to be checked, likely referral times, followup time (perhaps in a few months to discuss how she's getting on).

Having said that, you sound like you are doing brilliantly with her and there is every chance she is one of those do-it-in-my-own-time children. The babbling and humming along is reassuring with regards to hearing - if she was doing less I'd be saying, hearing check asap (personal experience!). Try not to worry, and do keep up the singing with her. I can imagine that she might get to words that way first.

@Sjdmcfeet please don't worry. This sounds normal. I have seen a child whose parents really interact with her swear as first words and also a boy so far behind he wasn't even mimicking. My own daughter albeit taking at 2 just wouldn't say her name...it was so bizarre. They are all different if she didn't appear to understand that may be cause for concern. You're doing great x

Unbelievably all 4 of my children walked and talked late.
All of them speech therapy, some more than others.
Because my first had severely delayed speech we were hype vigilante with the others.

They have all turned out fine and have excelled academically.

It is good to be alert but try not to feed your anxiety.

The best tip that we knew after our first was that animal sounds are one of the first building blocks of speech.

We were advised by the speech therapist to buy a bag of plastic animals and keep them together.
Two or three times a day we would take them out and hold them up and make the sound.
We made it into a fun game saying "look at the sheep, what does the sheep say?...baaa baa etc.
Pointing to our mouths as we made the long sound.

We would go through the whole bag quickly .
Within a couple of weeks we had made progress and my 2 year old loved the game.
He was a happy sociable little boy but he was easily 3 before his speech came together.

I agree with pp, you are worrying about nothing. She will get there in her own time and when she does start talking, I guarantee she won’t shut up!

If anything you're probably parenting too well. As in, pre empting her wants and needs and fulfilling them before she has to ask. When she connects using words with getting what she wants you may see some progress. (Alexa is good for this - she learns that she has to use verbal commands to get the song she wants on!)

I was in a similar situation with my twins. My HV told me when they were 18 months that they were 'very silent' I had a speech therapy assistant come out, followed all the exercises they gave me but no improvement. When they turned two my DD had perhaps five words but DS still had none. They understood things, followed direction etc. they just wouldn't speak!

Now at 2.5 you cannot shut them up! They started nursery just after their second birthday which made a big difference. I know it is hard but please try not to worry. Your DD will speak in her own time

My sibling had similar issues , was very late to speak and when he did eventually speak it wasnt proper words. Parents took him to a specialist and it turns out he was deaf and it had been missed by the usual hearing checks. He had a small operation on his ears and his speech took off. It might be something worth bringing up with the health visitor in a few months time at your appointment

You haven’t failed her OP. Lots of children do things in their own time, so she may well just be on her own timeline. But even if she does have an identifiable speech delay it’s still not your fault! It’s very common and usually easily resolved.

When possible it would be good to get her hearing tested to rule out any problems, and your HV may in time make a SALT referral. In the meantime keep doing what you’re doing - reading, talking to her, singing and nursery rhymes etc.

You’re doing a good job and she will get there

Pleaae don't worry too much yet. Ds wasn't talking much at that age and when it came to his review he barely scraped through on speech. It got to the point where we were writing down anything he said to see where he was up to. When he was two and a half he suddenly started coming out with proper sentences. Watching him now he doesn't like doing anything without being 100 percent sure of it, he's five and even now he has to be confident in everything.

Aha - this is the one thing I think I can give people a bit of advise on because I have had the two extremes.

DS1 was a very late talker. Did loads of toddler groups, playgroup, socialising etc. Involved a private speech therapist when he was about 2.5. Nothing really helped. By the time he turned 3 he was talking. He'll be 4 this summer and I'd say there is no difference between him and his similar aged friends now.

DS2 was singing nursery rhymes by 18 months. He's 2 next week and will recite storied he knows off by heart. Can easily hold conversations and will chat to anyone.

Honestly, you get what you get when it comes to this sort of thing. You're doing everything right. She is communicating with you in her own way with the humming of songs etc, it's just not the communication we are used to as adults.

She sounds lovely and you sound like a fantastic parent. Just try to relax and don't let your anxiety about her speech take away from the enjoyment of seeing her develop and grow into the little girl she is going to be.

(I say all of this as someone who stressed about her child's speech in exactly the way you are, but with the benefit of hindsight!).

My cousins were all very very late with walking and talking and they're really intelligent now - competitive schools etc - so it doesn't mean anything.

Did they mention it at your daughter's 2-year assessment? Have they mentioned it at nursery?