Feel like a failure of a mother

[Sjdmcfeet]

First Post- I just feel so down and need somebody to talk to
DD has just turned 2 and is a happy , funny lovable child but has not uttered one word , not a single word , no mummy or daddy absoloutley nothing , she engages well in play but despite all encouragement from me and DH/ nursery there is no verbal communication at all . She babbles and hums along when we do sing along time , can hum the full tune of twinkle twinkle but no other conversation or words
I read to her , am constantly talking to her as is DH and give lots of eye contact ,point at objects etc and try and get her to repeat the words she just doesn't seem interested, DD is constantly on the go and seems to enjoy independent play more than me sitting with her playing , example tonight I sat on the floor with her building and counting lego blocks , DD took these off me then proceeded to do her own thing
She will.do things like for example today I went to put her shoes on and she lifts her foot in my direction same wirh putting coat on will put her arm out to me so I'm sure she understands some things

I have spent the whole evening in tears away from DD sat upstairs told my DH I had headache and needed a lie down because I just can't understand where I have gone wrong as a mother and why DD isn't picking up any speech , DH who is very supportive and a fantastic hands on dad says ' she will do it in her own time don't force it and isn't remotely concerned and thinks I'm worrying about nothing '
I have phoned health visitor and 2 year check due to delays caused by Covid won't be for another 3|4 months I am advised
Spoken with nursery they will 'keep an eye on her ' but again they are not worried either
Yet on the NHS website she should be saying 50 words apparently by two years old??

Attends nursery 2 days a week and has done for the last 1 years as she is an only child so really needs to socialise with others

Met friends in the park today , friends daughter is 3 months younger and so much more advanced in speech , I burst out crying in the car again and still can't understand where I have gone so wrong and failed my child terribly, am I not doing the right things with her??

Please don't worry, whether she's just a late bloomer or whether there's something else going on it is absolutely not your fault as a mum! It's who she is. If anything she's so chilled and happy that she hasn't needed to shout about anything yet

I also bet that when she does talk it will be in full sentences. She's just biding her time and working everything out first!

Honestly, I bet you a hundred pounds that you get a "Mummy, more toast" or similar in the not-too-distant future!

You haven't done anything wrong at all but you do need to flag this up to your GP or the health visitor.

Lack of speech and self directed play are two early markers for autism, and IF your DD is autistic you would be doing her an immense favour having her diagnosed sooner rather than later.

It might help you to Google the M Chat test. The important thing with that test is to not overthink the answers, literally go with your gut. Your DD will definitely be able to securely do some of the things on the list, but if she isn't SECURELY doing the things then do not say she is, because that skews the test.

I am NOT saying your child is autistic, I am saying that IF she is she will benefit from early intervention.

I have an autistic DC and picked up on it first when they were around 18 mths old, we monitored for another 18 mths before starting the diagnostic process properly. My only regret is I didn't move sooner tbh.

Now 6 year old was delayed in everything. She didn't walk until after her 2nd birthday, didn't say a word until she was 3 and a half. Didn't potty train until 6 months before she started school.

She's still delayed in some things but is otherwise a happy healthy 6 year old. She was very similar to your DD at 2 years old, hummed along and babbled but no understandable words.

My dcousin (nearly 30 now) was a very late speaker, she wasn’t far off 3. It’s a running joke in our family that it took her a while but once she started we couldn’t shut her up. I wouldn’t be at all concerned yet and you certainly have nothing to blame yourself for.

My son will be 3 this year, he doesn’t speak, admittedly we have had the odd word, but he’s also not potty trained and he rarely eats....I have no advice, but wanted to share that you’re not alone, even though it often feels like it 😔 xx

Mine didn't speak until he was much older, about 6! He had severe speech sound delay and was mute for ages. Yet he took his first steps at 9 months and was dry day and night really early, I literally just didn't put a nappy on him one day and he never had an accident once. They are all so different OP stop stressing.

Please get her hearing checked. My youngest had had I think two ear infections and had been checked regularly for ear issues by the GP by three and he looked in great health. He didn't have a runny nose or any sign of a problem. His speech was very poor and minimal at three. After testing with a sppech language therapist he was diagnosed as "developmentally delayed". I didnt believe it and arranged to have his hearing tested. He had glue ear very badly. He could hear just enough that he could act normally. He picked up on non verbal cues and could probably lip read. He fooled everybody - creche staff, nanny, doctor, speech therapist and so on. He couldn't hear well enough to make his own speech intelligble. Glue ear waxes and wanes in severity so he could probably hear a bit better at some times.

He had gromnets within a week. ENT specialist had a cancellation on her list. She rather wearily told us the very first thing to suspect with speech problems in children is a hearing problem. She said GPs were very good at picking up ear infections but not very good at spotting the more subtle signs of glue ear. My son had a lot of speech therapy and his speech became normal. I think it had an effect on his schooling with spelling etc being affected. He is now at university though and oddly according to the specialist has been left with far more acute hearing than normal.

By the way, it's not a thing that only happens to crowded families in poor housing. We live in a large detached house in a pleasant suburb with access to private medical care and he was looked after at home by a nanny for the first year. The hearing loss was really evident once I knew. I stood behind him and told him he could have a chocolate bar (he loves chocolate and didn't get much of it) and there was absolutely no response. When he couldnt see my lips moving and me pointing to say the chocolate he had no idea something was neing offered.

@Rangoon can I ask what the symptoms/signs of glue ear are? Thanks

@Olaf14
There really weren't any apart from hearing loss and the poor speech. I think it might be more common in children who have lots of ear infections but my youngest didn't have any other symptoms at all. Looking back I can see behaviour things that were a clue - like not caring if the sound was off on cartoon programs - and so on but nothing definitive. I also now know that it apparently ran in my husband's family. His younger brother had unintelligible speech and lots of speech therapy even if glue ear was never diagnosed. According to the ENT specialist the signs are a slightly pink and slightly convex ear drum which is not something you'd be able to check yourself. If you suspect a child has a hearing problem face them and talk clearly and distinctly was the advice we got although we got treatment very quickly once we were aware.

I was 2.5 when I said my first word. My mum was pushing to have intervention (was slower in those days) as it was clear I understood I just didn’t speak. My first ever word was “me want a bana” I meant banana. Apparently I interrupted my parents discussing what to have for dinner. Mum says I had to say it 3 times as they were too surprised to reply!

I’m a highly intelligent and successful professional. I can definitely speak! Try not to sweat it. My DD was over 4 before she learned to crawl (she could walk fine, for some reason crawling totally baffled her!).

If you want to know if she’s deaf stand behind her and ask if she wants chocolate. A hearing kid will respond. My DD is deaf (bilateral moderate loss). You wouldn’t know unless you knew but she can’t hear me unless I’m facing her without her aids in. Strangers never notice, she hides it well.

Worrying won’t help and it’s not your fault.

My eldest said 2 words at 2, and then by 3 was talking more than his peers. He has SALT as pronounces some sounds wrong but other than that he chats all the bloooooooody time

You poor thing, OP, you sound so stressed out and like you're putting so much pressure on yourself! Children do develop at different rates and even if she does end up speaking a bit later or even needing some extra help, by the sounds of it it won't be anything you've done or not done.

My two DC are developing completely differently despite having the same parenting - older one is very verbal but a bit "backward" physically, younger one is the complete opposite. You sound like a lovely mum and if your DC's happy then that really is the important thing! I know what it's like to feel like you could be doing more,though - our HV told us off for not talking to our eldest enough and not reading to him because his speech wasn't good enough for her at age one. Our jaws hit the floor because we are such a ready wordy couple - I think we just got the standard spiel for the deprived area we were living in at the time. But it still felt awful. And a month later he "got" talking and never stopped!

They leap up in steps rather than adding one word at a time, so it will probably suddenly take off one day and never stop!

Yes take her to get her hearing checked but (easier said than done) try not to worry too much, I would put money on her suddenly finding her voice some day in the not too distant future

Please try and relax. My little nephew is 3. He will be 4 in June. Was thought to be non verbal for a while but has started to utter words! He's an incredibly bright little child and would be just as loved non verbal as he will be speaking.
Every child learns at their own pace. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. Her words will come in time.