To think that you should generally not wake a sleeping baby?

[Anon778833]

Ex and I have a 15 month old baby. Basically, he thinks, and has always thought that it’s ok to deprive her of naps and/or wake her up when she’s asleep because he wants to take her somewhere and it always has to fit round him. He was the same when we were together and he’s the same now. He asks to pick her up from my house for contact time when she’s due a nap.

Disclaimer - she can’t sleep at his house because he lives too far away.

Does she not sleep in the car on the way there?

It depends how often it is and how it affects her. Occasionally being woken or missing a nap is probably ok. If it's very often or she is very grumpy as a result it's not ideal. I would try to fit around naps as much as possible but sometimes they have to fit around you as well.
Could you put her for a nap earlier so she has chance for a sleep before he comes over?
Or maybe he can time his visits for when she's awake

I don't think it's fair he does this. My ex and I try and make it so our baby sleeps on as much of the journey as possible. We follow what's best for her. Our health visitor and I discussed this before and it's very much understood that you do what's right for baby so you'd be well within your right to say he can't have baby until X time and needs to return baby at X time to fit in with naps. It's not about what fits in for him x

@LouiseTrees

Does she not sleep in the car on the way there?

No, she’s one of those who never sleeps in the car.

DD could be dumped in her pram or car seat and taken sleeping 🤷‍♀️ I've turned up places in the morning with her still in her pjs and changed her when she woke.

I also had to stop her napping because it was putting bedtime unreasonably late and killing us all, she still get the right amount of sleep just more at night. I'd let her nap if she wasn't going to cope with the day obviously!

All my other children would sleep when we were out and about but dd4 won’t. It has to be in bedroom or nowhere. The intensity of lockdown and not going anywhere has probably made this worse. But there is absolutely no way she can get through the day without a nap without getting very fractious and upset.

Yes I woke my kids most days from their naps. I tried to keep to a loose routine. It would not help to let baby sleep for three hours in the morning and then not at all in the afternoon then be overtired for bed time.
But that is not your issue- it's your ex not understanding your baby's routine. Just tell him to wait- surely an hour later is not too disruptive to his plans- it's not like he's taking her to a show or anything!

Sadly he will have to live with her being twisty then.. I doubt a judge would allow for her scheduled naps coming before contact with her df...

I don’t allow ‘danger nap’. Her nap times are always some time between 11.30 and 2.

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad

Sadly he will have to live with her being twisty then.. I doubt a judge would allow for her scheduled naps coming before contact with her df...

He can go to court if he wants then.

So you prioritise a nap over the relationship with the df?

Yes @Easterbunnyishoppingmad - she’s a baby! She needs her sleep. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. He can pick her up when she wakes up.

He’s already got a horrible relationship with his adult children because he was selfish to them and put his needs above theirs.

She needs a dad much more than she needs textbook naps.

Does he live 2 and a half hours away? Couldn’t he pick her up at the start of that nap window drive to his and let her sleep at his?

@Zarinea - why can’t she have both? This is a question of him just not bothering to fit around her.

DD2 has to be woken up around nursery and then school drop off and pick up. She has survived. Some times my children have had danger naps when driving back from a nice day out some where - the price we have to pay for allowing them to have a new experience. A relationship with her her father is important.

@LouiseTrees

No, because he has no baby stuff. He is supposed to be moving closer to us so that he can just pick her up and take her to his house for contact time, which would be the ideal.

He won't be expected to arrange his relationship with his dc around a schedule you have created.... You will be seen as being obstructive....

I haven’t created a schedule - that’s the time she gets tired

Could everyone not just be a bit more flexible? Say he wants to pick her up at 12 but she’s due a nap then. Offer 12.30 and put her down at 11.30? Surely you have a degree of flexibility built into your routine?

I woke all my kids from their naps. I followed a routine, it worked really well, I could make plans, had kids who slept through the night very early. They are older now and are well adjusted, go to bed with zero fuss and sleep brilliantly.

I cannot for the life of me work out what mumsnet has got in for parents who think teaching their kids how to sleep is important!

15 months isn't really a baby... Your dc is heading towards being a toddler surely?
If you push your ex to go to court you will be settling yourself up for a big fall with your current mindset I am afraid...

@LolaNova

Could everyone not just be a bit more flexible? Say he wants to pick her up at 12 but she’s due a nap then. Offer 12.30 and put her down at 11.30? Surely you have a degree of flexibility built into your routine?

As long as she has some kind of nap at lunch time that’s fine (because that’s when she gets tired). It doesn’t have to be an exact time. But she won’t have had it by 11 iyswim. He just wants her to go all day without a nap. I cannot imagine there are many 1 year olds who don’t need at least one sleep. If she doesn’t have that sleep she starts falling over and hurting herself.

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad

15 months isn't really a baby... Your dc is heading towards being a toddler surely? If you push your ex to go to court you will be settling yourself up for a big fall with your current mindset I am afraid...

I don’t think so. He won’t want to go to court because he has health problems that he won’t disclose to the DVLA (which could get him in serious trouble if he’s found out).