Page 2 | To think that you should generally not wake a sleeping baby?

Anon778833 · 2021-04-02T20:31:51+00:00

Ex and I have a 15 month old baby. Basically, he thinks, and has always thought that it’s ok to deprive her of naps and/or wake her up when she’s asleep because he wants to take her somewhere and it always has to fit round him. He was the same when we were together and he’s the same now. He asks to pick her up from my house for contact time when she’s due a nap. Disclaimer - she can’t sleep at his house because he lives too far away.

JackieTheFart · 02/04/2021 22:20

I think at 15 months old you’re being too rigid, sorry. I also think he’s being a git for the sake of being a git as well though.

Sure, you don’t wake a newborn. But a toddler? Yes that’s fine.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:24

@JackieTheFart

I think at 15 months old you’re being too rigid, sorry. I also think he’s being a git for the sake of being a git as well though.

Sure, you don’t wake a newborn. But a toddler? Yes that’s fine.

Ok, fair enough. He used to try & wake her when she was a newborn too though. I may just suggest shifting the time around a bit - he could easily come a bit later.

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Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 02/04/2021 22:25

I hope your dc is forgiving of you when their df gives up trying to have a relationship with them . You seem hell bent on preventing him having one. Just because he has been crappy with his other dc doesn't mean he is crap.

SarahAndQuack · 02/04/2021 22:25

I think it depends how her sleep is generally.

I had a toddler who was an awful sleeper and honestly, it nearly broke me. At one point she wouldn't go down before 11pm/midnight and she'd be up again in the small hours, and it took enormous amounts of routine and soothing to get her to nap during the day. If you're dealing with a real problem sleeper, he ought to help out.

But I notice you're saying you don't really have a routine, and I wonder if maybe that's a little unfair on him? It does go out of the window if she's just an awful sleeper, but if she's not, and you could try to get a routine going, then maybe do that and see? That way you'd have a bargaining chip at least - if he picks her up at (say) 2, then fine, that's not nap time, but he can't expect to chop and change his times to suit himself and say next week it'll be 11.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 22:28

Id compromise by telling him to pick her up after her morning nap, then not worrying about her not having an afternoon nap with him.

ThiI se saying she doesn’t need any naps are being v unreasonable. To deprive a 15 months old of any sleep all day is cruel IMO. He sounds stupid and selfish.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:28

We already agreed it would be 2-5pm weeks ago. It was supposed to be Sunday. I already agreed to change it to Saturday this week so he could take her to see her cousins.

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Timeisavirtue · 02/04/2021 22:29

15 months isn’t really classed as a baby, we used to try move DS from cot to car seat if he slept to long and we needed to go somewhere. Most of the time he would carry on sleeping. I can understand a newborn. You never wake a sleeping newborn - about 10 months after that they start to sleep a little less anyway.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 22:29

Well if you’ve agreed that, don’t let him change it. It’s too short notice anyway. Just tell him “No that doesn’t work for me, we need to stick to the arrangement we have already made”.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:30

She only has one nap a day anyway. Over tired children don’t sleep at bed time. She’s still learning to walk and she’s very tired by 11.30

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ItsMarch · 02/04/2021 22:30

Tricky, I have a pre schooler who still hasn’t made it through the day without a nap. As a result I do have to wake them. Everyday. Otherwise they’d sleep late into the afternoon. However, I also know that if my child doesn’t get their nap by about 2 o’clock they are a tired, tearful, naughty little person who will literally fall asleep standing up.
I think you should stick to your guns OP because that’s whats in your child’s best interests and he should be facilitating the nap but chooses not to.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:39

Well exactly, I’m not saying he can’t see her. I’m saying that he should see her in a way that doesn’t negatively impact her. All my other children needed naps until they were at least 3.

I do not want him driving long distances with her because he has MS, he ignores it and doesn’t see his neurologist. He doesn’t inform the DVLA about it. If he has a relapse he also ignores it. I don’t feel that this is fair on our daughter - we have at least 16 years ahead. So he’s going to need to move closer.

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BeamerTown · 02/04/2021 22:44

Ignore the people who are saying you are being too rigid. If she sleeps every day at lunchtime and he’s creating a situation where she can’t, then that’s a problem. My 15 month old sleeps for 1 or 2 hours every day between 12-2. Has for a year. If one day she wasn’t able to it would leave her very upset. Stick to your guns.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2021 22:46

Does he only want her for 3 hours op or is he wanting to pick her up early to spend longer with her?

Mine are 15 months too and have an identical nap pretty much - occasionally it'll be 12 but one of them for sure is out by 11.30 at the latest. They're not awful at sleeping in the buggy.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:48

@SleepingStandingUp

Does he only want her for 3 hours op or is he wanting to pick her up early to spend longer with her?

Mine are 15 months too and have an identical nap pretty much - occasionally it'll be 12 but one of them for sure is out by 11.30 at the latest. They're not awful at sleeping in the buggy.

He didn’t say, he just said he wanted to pick her up at 11.

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 22:53

@SugarbabyMilly

Well exactly, I’m not saying he can’t see her. I’m saying that he should see her in a way that doesn’t negatively impact her. All my other children needed naps until they were at least 3.

I do not want him driving long distances with her because he has MS, he ignores it and doesn’t see his neurologist. He doesn’t inform the DVLA about it. If he has a relapse he also ignores it. I don’t feel that this is fair on our daughter - we have at least 16 years ahead. So he’s going to need to move closer.

And yet you're happy for her to be in the car with him? But refuse point blank for her nap to be disturbed?

That's a serious warping of what is important, considering what the implications can be of driving with MS (and make it a legal requirement to notify the DVLA) - at present, you sound as though it's worse for her to be crabby than dead in a car accident because he can't see an HGV/Red light/a turn in the road or can't brake effectively.

Shrivelled · 02/04/2021 22:54

My first DC could be moved all over the place whilst napping and happy nap out and about. My second needs a routine so I totally get where you’re coming from and this would really piss me off. A 15 month old is still a baby and I don’t see how being extracted from the mother whilst asleep is healthy and good for anyone. You need a pick up time that works for your DC because that’s who’s the most important in all of this.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 22:56

*And yet you're happy for her to be in the car with him? But refuse point blank for her nap to be disturbed?

That's a serious warping of what is important, considering what the implications can be of driving with MS (and make it a legal requirement to notify the DVLA) - at present, you sound as though it's worse for her to be crabby than dead in a car accident because he can't see an HGV/Red light/a turn in the road or can't brake effectively.*

I am not happy about it at all! What would you do in my position? Report him? He’ll hate me forever. Maybe I’ll have to though?

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SuperCaliFragalistic · 02/04/2021 22:56

My children were at opposite ends of the spectrum regarding sleeping. The oldest barely slept at all unless in the car or pushchair before she was 2. The youngest would have 2 long naps a day in his cot at that age. I think you do have to work around it most of the time because sleep is important. I wouldn't have let anyone disrupt either of them when sleeping unless it was a very rare/special occasion.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 02/04/2021 22:59

I also wouldn't let my DC in the car with someone who was an unsafe driver. If you think your ex's condition makes him unsafe to drive you should report him immediately.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 23:01

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I also wouldn't let my DC in the car with someone who was an unsafe driver. If you think your ex's condition makes him unsafe to drive you should report him immediately.

I will tell him he can’t drive her but I will drop her / pick her up at her cousins house. In all honesty, I hate the thought of him driving her because MS is an unpredictable condition in how it unfolds.

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 23:06

@SugarbabyMilly

*And yet you're happy for her to be in the car with him? But refuse point blank for her nap to be disturbed?

That's a serious warping of what is important, considering what the implications can be of driving with MS (and make it a legal requirement to notify the DVLA) - at present, you sound as though it's worse for her to be crabby than dead in a car accident because he can't see an HGV/Red light/a turn in the road or can't brake effectively.*

I am not happy about it at all! What would you do in my position? Report him? He’ll hate me forever. Maybe I’ll have to though?

Of course. It's not just about your DC, it's every other poor fucker on the roads and pavements at the same time as him that are at risk.

By knowing this and not doing what you can to a) protect others and b) protect your DC, you're implicitly condoning his behaviour.

And if you condone or at best, pretend it's not your position to comment upon your baby being put in a genuinely potentially deadly situation, how in blazes can you be taken seriously in saying it's vital her naps are never disturbed?

In any case, by not reporting it and assuming he won't go to court because he thinks it'll come out then and demanding that he moves closer so he doesn't drive as much, aren't you possibly risking being seen as using this as leverage over him? Or, to put it another way, that you're blackmailing him?

After all, if it were true, surely you'd be taking more steps to prevent your daughter being put at such risk?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 02/04/2021 23:06

MS is a horrible disease. My ex-FIL had MS and it was a depressing existence followed by a slow death. If your DD can have a good relationship with him while he is still active that would be good for her - she has heartache to come, sadly.

LouiseTrees · 02/04/2021 23:06

[quote SugarbabyMilly]@LouiseTrees

No, because he has no baby stuff. He is supposed to be moving closer to us so that he can just pick her up and take her to his house for contact time, which would be the ideal.[/quote]
Well he can get some?

2021isalsorubbish · 02/04/2021 23:08

I’m with you OP, think some of the people here forget what it’s like to have small children. My youngest has just turned 2. Naps in the middle of the day. If he misses it he has a horrible afternoon, nothing is right, crys, or gets sleepy and has no energy to do fun stuff. he’s still little and he needs his nap. So I structure our day that we go out in the morning and in the afternoon, but 12-2 we are at home. Being a lockdown baby means he’s always slept in his cot, never a push chair or car as we haven’t been anywhere for the last year (his older siblings were the opposite).
I assume his dad is seeing him regularly - if so he should fit around the child. Otherwise he’s going to get a very cranky child. Plus you are left to pick up the pieces the next day when the child is over tired. It’s like asking a child to skip a meal because it’s at an inconvenient time for the parent - sleep is also important. Plus the dad sound a bit rubbish if after 4 kids he still doesnt understand this.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 23:09

In any case, by not reporting it and assuming he won't go to court because he thinks it'll come out then and demanding that he moves closer so he doesn't drive as much, aren't you possibly risking being seen as using this as leverage over him? Or, to put it another way, that you're blackmailing him?

After all, if it were true, surely you'd be taking more steps to prevent your daughter being put at such risk?

I agree with what you are saying. He will be all kinds of abusive if I report him. I suppose I will just have to deal with it then. So far he has not driven her anywhere - he usually takes her in the pushchair.

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