Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you should generally not wake a sleeping baby?

95 replies

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 21:31

Ex and I have a 15 month old baby. Basically, he thinks, and has always thought that it’s ok to deprive her of naps and/or wake her up when she’s asleep because he wants to take her somewhere and it always has to fit round him. He was the same when we were together and he’s the same now. He asks to pick her up from my house for contact time when she’s due a nap.

Disclaimer - she can’t sleep at his house because he lives too far away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 23:47

Right, I have made a report to the DVLA. I have been pushing this to the back of my mind because I know it’s necessary but I’m quite worried about his reaction towards me about it.

You are right though, this is far more of an issue than waking dd up both for her and others. Thank you for reminding me of this.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 23:58

@SugarbabyMilly

Right, I have made a report to the DVLA. I have been pushing this to the back of my mind because I know it’s necessary but I’m quite worried about his reaction towards me about it.

You are right though, this is far more of an issue than waking dd up both for her and others. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I hope he is taken off the road as soon as possible. And you could potentially have saved a number of lives, including his own. You absolutely did the right thing Flowers.

If he accuses you of it, deny it. He won't be told who it was. And if he kicks off, after all, you'd be perfectly reasonable to call the police - and then you'd naturally explain why he was angry.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 00:09

Thank you. You are absolutely right. He’s had this condition for 20 years and if he never goes for any check ups etc, how will he know if things are any worse? He can walk ok but he has nerve damage in one arm and one leg and he’s quite clumsy. And he told me that sometimes his vision goes a bit blurry.

If he loves our dd then I think he will get it monitored. If I was in his shoes I’d do everything I could to keep well. He was offered medication and said no (years ago)

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 03/04/2021 07:56

You have done the right thing. And I’m sure the DVLA won’t tell him who reported, how will he know it was you?

TheGoogleMum · 03/04/2021 08:04

I have been waking DD from naps from a young age because it helped make sure she didn't sleep too much in the day (so would sleep at night). She does need a nap to not be super cranky though and I never totally stop her napping! She often doesn't nap at nursery (yes at that age) and not much we can do if they couldn't get her to sleep except accept having a cranky child. It isnt the end of the world its just more about making looking after the child more pleasant!

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/04/2021 08:19

All children are different. More young children will have only napped at home.

My own Ds dropped naps at that age but I look after many who are much older.

Yes to deny deny re Dvla

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 08:31

Making looking after the child more pleasant? No, it’s for their well-being. Babies need more sleep than adults because they have rapidly developing brains relatively and also get physically tired too.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 03/04/2021 08:31

It isn't ideal but eg my DC2 had quite a set nap time but had to be woken to pick DC1 up from nursery school and later to go to nursery himself and school when he was 4. That is what happens, DC3 was woken on school days morning and afternoon from naps for the school run . I don't think you can deprive your toddler from a relationship with their Father because the father is imperfect.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 03/04/2021 08:33

@SugarbabyMilly

*And yet you're happy for her to be in the car with him? But refuse point blank for her nap to be disturbed?

That's a serious warping of what is important, considering what the implications can be of driving with MS (and make it a legal requirement to notify the DVLA) - at present, you sound as though it's worse for her to be crabby than dead in a car accident because he can't see an HGV/Red light/a turn in the road or can't brake effectively.*

I am not happy about it at all! What would you do in my position? Report him? He’ll hate me forever. Maybe I’ll have to though?

Holy fuck OP, naps vs serious health condition which could render him a danger to himself/your dd/other road users (which you then go on to disclose is already causing nerve damage on one side, clumsiness and blurred vision).

Wild horses wouldn't stop me reporting this to the DVLA, never mind my concerns about an overtired baby. I'd rather have a tired baby than no baby.

Completely skewed priorities there op. I'd absolutely refuse contact if it involve him driving her anywhere until he gets a clean bill of health from his consultant/dvla - get some astute legal advice pronto.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 08:37

@Ffsffsffsffsffs I’ve reported it to the DVLA. I’m not going to let him drive her anywhere.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 03/04/2021 08:38

There's obviously quite a lot going on here, but waking a baby from their nap is kind of inevitable during normal life, isn't it Confused

I regularly have to wake my 12 month old from a nap because I have to take him with me to collect his older siblings from school. I try to put him to sleep earlier, but his natural nap time is about 2-4 these days, so unless there's someone else home to be with him (quite rare), he has to wake up and come with me 🤷‍♀️ There's no other option!

If this is a one day a week thing, I wouldn't think anything of it. It is important that she sees her dad, and this issue is not important enough to let it damage the relationship with your ex even further. One day you'll have an actual "line in the sand issue", and you'll have more chance of influencing him with it if you haven't raised every single little niggle with him along the way.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 08:38

He has manipulated me to think that he has nothing wrong and is a good driver etc. But he’s not the best judge of that is he?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2021 12:02

. It isnt the end of the world its just more about making looking after the child more pleasant!
Well it's more pleasant because they're not over tired. You should be making sure the child isn't over tired because it isn't good for babies / toddlers to not get enough sleep. If you're putting the baby down to nap that says more about you than op.

@sugarbabyMilly if he wants her earlier could he take her at 10, put her down for a nap, and then bring her back at 5?

And he won't know it's you who reported him, just denyt it

Babyboomtastic · 03/04/2021 14:45

Did he drive when you were together? Did he drive your child around then?

He should have informed the DVLA (do you know he hasn't done this) but for how many of the 20 years when he had had MS has he been driving?

It sounds like a valid concern, and the DVLA do certainly need to know, but it also sounds pretty convenient as well.

I'm very much getting the vibes from you that you want to minimise contact as much as possible, hence why you are so insistent about naps (him taking her before and bringing her back before bed sounds more sensible, and it's upto him how he sorts the nap).

Eyevorbig0ne · 03/04/2021 14:46

Oh it's the golden rule. Never wake a sleeping baby.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 16:48

@Babyboomtastic

Did he drive when you were together? Did he drive your child around then?

He should have informed the DVLA (do you know he hasn't done this) but for how many of the 20 years when he had had MS has he been driving?

It sounds like a valid concern, and the DVLA do certainly need to know, but it also sounds pretty convenient as well.

I'm very much getting the vibes from you that you want to minimise contact as much as possible, hence why you are so insistent about naps (him taking her before and bringing her back before bed sounds more sensible, and it's upto him how he sorts the nap).

I think it might actually be the other way around. IE, the thing I’m really worried about is the driving. This thread has made me realise this. Maybe the nap was an excuse. But I still hold that she needs one nap a day. He was suggesting she should have no naps.

If he’s declared fit to drive then I will feel happier. But something tells me he probably will 1. Ignore the request for assessment 2. Have his license revoked 3. keep on driving anyway, illegally. He gets very angry about what he calls ‘government interference’.

In answer to your questions, as far as I know he was diagnosed at 34 after collapsing one day at work and he’s now 52. He has not disclosed it to anyone except his ex wife and whilst he was married to her she let him get away with not disclosing it and driving their kids around because they were worried it would affect his income. And only recently I asked him if he had informed the DLA (I assumed he must have) and he said no. When I told him this was dangerous he said ‘don’t you dare threaten me. Do you seriously think I would drive if I was a risk on the road or to our daughter?’

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 16:48

He’s never driven our daughter because of lockdowns so it hasn’t arisen. If he came over here, I drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 16:50

@Babyboomtastic sorry I meant DVLA of course

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 03/04/2021 16:58

YABVU. Naps can be worked around - you can’t live your life around your baby’s nap schedule.

You seem to think a nap is more important than time with her father, and it isn’t.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 17:17

@emilyfrost

YABVU. Naps can be worked around - you can’t live your life around your baby’s nap schedule.

You seem to think a nap is more important than time with her father, and it isn’t.

So you think that a 15 month old should forego a nap completely because it suits her father who is an adult?
OP posts:
emilyfrost · 03/04/2021 19:40

So you think that a 15 month old should forego a nap completely because it suits her father who is an adult?

I never said forego a nap, I said nap times can be worked around. They don’t have to happen at a set time, they can happen whenever you need them to.

You don’t let a baby dictate your whole routine (and yes, I do have a baby myself).

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 19:45

Her df is legally entitled to organise a routine for his dc in his time. He can sort her nap time out during that contact time .
If he is so incapable of being a df why did you have a dc with him?

FusionChefGeoff · 03/04/2021 19:50

So @emilyfrost how would you suggest OP works this one out?

Dad wants to collect at 11am
DD very unlikely to go to sleep at 10am before pick up
Dad will have her for several hours
DD won't sleep in car or pushchair

The only option is that DD collapses exhausted sometime between 3-4pm and then won't sleep until very late that night.

Or can you see another way? If it's so easy to work around naps?

emilyfrost · 03/04/2021 20:21

@FusionChefGeoff When the baby is with Dad, he is perfectly to entitled to do as he wishes and concoct his own routine, whether or not that includes naps. It’s up to him.

OP should only be dealing with her own contact time.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2021 20:29

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Her df is legally entitled to organise a routine for his dc in his time. He can sort her nap time out during that contact time . If he is so incapable of being a df why did you have a dc with him?
He's having her for 3 hours, then why does he get to dictate her entire days schedule? Him having the "right" to wake up his young daughter 30 minutes into a nap, knowing she won't sleep again, and that she'll therefore be overtired and miserable FOR THREE HOURS CONTACT and then dump her back on mom overtired and hysterical is not putting his child first. The contact is meant to benefit the child, not him
Swipe left for the next trending thread