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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that you should generally not wake a sleeping baby?

95 replies

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 21:31

Ex and I have a 15 month old baby. Basically, he thinks, and has always thought that it’s ok to deprive her of naps and/or wake her up when she’s asleep because he wants to take her somewhere and it always has to fit round him. He was the same when we were together and he’s the same now. He asks to pick her up from my house for contact time when she’s due a nap.

Disclaimer - she can’t sleep at his house because he lives too far away.

OP posts:

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 20:32

*I meant if it goes to court.. Op is pushing her ex to have no option...

Original poster

Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 21:08

@Chocolateismakingmefat

If it does go to court, which I would prefer not. We’re going to need to get him to agree to stop being so irresponsible and pretending he does not have MS.

OP posts:

Chocolateismakingmefat · 03/04/2021 21:48

Glad his MS is now the priority and not nap times. A fight you wouldn't have won...

Original poster

Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 21:59

I don’t think I should have to fight a stupid idea that 1 year old children can go all day without a nap. What he needs to do is also move closer. If he cares about seeing her that much. At the moment, he’s stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere. Our daughter and I live in the same town as his mum and his adult children. Sadly he doesn’t have any friends because he’s fallen out with them all. He randomly decided to buy this house far, far away because the pendulum he uses to make decisions told him to. This is a whole other story. Perhaps it will give you some insight into why I worry about him being sensible enough to look after a tired, fractious 1 year old. He definitely loves her but his ideas and actions are often misplaced.

And it’s all very well to say I was with him so I should consider him to be a good father. But why should our daughter be a victim of my bad relationship choices?

OP posts:

Babyboomtastic · 03/04/2021 22:08

Your toddler could well nap in the buggy. Or a sling. Or in her dad's arms or under a shady tree. Just because she doesn't nap for you that way, didn't mean she won't for others.

My toddler still breastfeeds to sleep for a nap. But her dad had his own way of getting her to sleep, as do her grandparents, and as does nursery. All different ways, and that works fine.

You can't micromanage his time. He has to find his own way. Tbh, of you are insisting that he can't take the child to his house, and he can't have her all day because she needs to nap, then you'll need to facilitate contact at your house, which isn't ideal. But your can't just make it all on your terms, that's not fair.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 03/04/2021 22:30

I was letting him see her at my house but that wasn’t working because he manipulates me, and I end up stressed and confused.

It’s not unreasonable for me to not want dd spending 4.5 hours a day with him in a car when he also may not be safe to drive. Plus she’s too young for all that time in a car.

It’s also not unreasonable for me to not be happy her staying overnight with him when she’s still not old enough to understand where her mother is. There are research studies on this and courts don’t order overnight stays for children under 3 where the parents have 1. Never been married and 2. Never lived together either. I have done 99% of the childcare and lockdown hasn’t helped her willingness to sleep in other houses.

OP posts:

GrolliffetheDragon · 03/04/2021 23:08

I never said forego a nap, I said nap times can be worked around. They don’t have to happen at a set time, they can happen whenever you need them to.

With your child.

When my DS was that sort of age, if he missed his nap window he would not sleep until he was so exhausted he could no longer stay awake. This would be at around 4pm and he would then sleep until 7. If you tried to wake him earlier he would scream the place down before falling asleep again. At 7 he would wake again and then stay awake until 11pm.

Next morning he would wake at his usual time and be cranky all day.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 03/04/2021 23:33

Hi Op

I think it’s great that you’ve recognized that some of the worry you have is about your ex’s health and potential safety to drive.

I also don’t think you’re unreasonable to prioritize your baby’s sleep. 15 months is still a baby and sleep is really important. A parent should appreciate that and arrange contact before or after a usual nap time. It doesn’t seem like you’re being deliberately difficult about contact, simply putting her needs first.
It’s very easy to say babies all sleep in cars / buggies, but not all do. And especially not when they have been at home for all their naps because if various lockdowns!
I absolutely wouldn’t be sending a child so small for overnight visits in your circumstances either.
I hope things work out for you

Original poster

Anon778833 · 04/04/2021 00:12

Thank you @CoffeeNeeded2019. You have to be very careful not to cause future attachment problems in a child so young. There is no going back. And the last year has been a crappy and unique set of circumstances. If her dad was living nearby she could build up contact at his house with him and have her naps there then build up to overnight.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 00:21

@emilyfrost

So you think that a 15 month old should forego a nap completely because it suits her father who is an adult?

I never said forego a nap, I said nap times can be worked around. They don’t have to happen at a set time, they can happen whenever you need them to.

You don’t let a baby dictate your whole routine (and yes, I do have a baby myself).

Your child. Not every child.

Eldest would sleep anywhere, he was conditioned and in a good way to sleep wherever when he was tired.

Twin1 will not be out down early, no way. He'll just open the curtains, chatter and then cry, waking up twin 2. He sometimes goes down an hour later than his twin despite having the same final bed times. He also sleeps for shorter periods.

Twin2 goes don't much more regularly but is a nightmare of you don't let him sleep. He goes down easy and sleeps longer generally.

If we have to interrupt their routine then they'll sometimes dose in the pram, but will be cranky and it'll throw their sleep out for a day.

Only letting them nap when it suited us would be cruel

Babyboomtastic · 04/04/2021 10:35

I don't see why he can't see if he can find his own way for your child to nap? 2-3 hours contact a week is really low, but if he can't have her over nap time, that's all it's going to be for at least another year. It should surely be fine for him to have her from first thing (possibly after breakfast) to dinner. He'll have to learn her routine, and how to get her for a nap, but it won't be the same way that you do, and that's fine.

I can't quite believe that you'd never go on a day trip, or in a long car journey over nap time, and that you 7 days a week will make sure you are home for nap. How does that work with having older children?

Original poster

Anon778833 · 04/04/2021 11:09

Well, believe it because it’s true. How have you been going out on day trips for the last year with all the lockdowns? As I said, my other children did used to sleep in the pushchair. Probably because the first year of their life wasn’t spent with everyone being told to stay at home.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 04/04/2021 11:12

If he wants you to wake her so he can have her then I would do it, he can put up with a grumpy over tired child

emilyfrost · 04/04/2021 12:02

You’ve made a rod for your own back but that doesn’t mean your ex should have to put up with it too.

Babyboomtastic · 04/04/2021 12:40

@SugarbabyMilly

Uh, no I haven't, but we've started a little more now, and I'm certainly going to be going out this summer if I can, as I'm sure you will with your older children.

As you've got older children you are also aware that children go to sleep in different ways for different people. My daughter goes to sleep in the buggy for my parents, the sling for my husband, boobs for me, and just lies down and sleeps for nursery.

You're just being obstructive to contact now IMO.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 04/04/2021 12:46

I’m not being obstructive at all. But it seems to be the same set of posters telling mothers they are over and over on MN lately

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon778833 · 04/04/2021 12:47

If I was obstructive do you think I’d have let him be in my house with her after the way he’s treated me?

OP posts:

JustLyra · 04/04/2021 12:50

He can walk ok but he has nerve damage in one arm and one leg and he’s quite clumsy. And he told me that sometimes his vision goes a bit blurry.

Is he actually safe to look after a small child on his own?

Between that and your feeling that he’ll just drive anyway I’d be offering supervised contact only and if he doesn’t like it he can take you to court.

A good relationship with a father is very important. Safety is more so.

Original poster

Anon778833 · 04/04/2021 12:53

@JustLyra well, obviously the problem is that he’s now 52 and it’s quite possible that his condition will worsen in the next 16 years but he will ignore it. He certainly isn’t capable to look after her for a whole weekend. When we were together, he’d need to go for a sleep after driving here. He gets very very tired which is to be expected with MS. He’s exhausted after looking after her for a few hours which is the most he’s ever had her by himself.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/04/2021 15:47

@Chloemol

If he wants you to wake her so he can have her then I would do it, he can put up with a grumpy over tired child

The problem is he has her for so little time she'll rally for him and then come home to op exhausted and miserable and that's apparently her own fault for having a nap routine and not having got her child used to being out an about during a pandemic.

We've gone out today, the last hour has been he'll because the 15 months wouldn't sleep. One did, then woke up, then went down a bit later and woke up but still only had maybe 40 minutes. One hasn't at all. They're now going to have a late nap and we'll accept a late bedtime because we needed to go out. If it was on the whim of a guy who couldn't be trusted to keep her safe, I'd be less inclined.

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