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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting the house back to myself

284 replies

Estherpologist · 30/03/2021 22:35

I get that lockdown has meant so many people have had to work from home, and the kids couldn't go to school, but having been the one who gave up their career to be the full time parent, and being the one who hasn't had the luxury of being able to leave the office at the end of the day and go home from their workplace, because home has been my workplace for 12yrs, am I being unreasonable for wanting the house back to myself during the day? Now that the kids are back at school (holidays notwithstanding) am I being unreasonable to be just a bit at the announcement "I'm probably going to work from home from now on"?

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 31/03/2021 11:42

I've been on both sides of this. Years ago my exH wfh and I'd be pissed off to get home and find him there every single day. I missed the time after work before he got back too. That time to myself.

Then I started wfh and Partner was in the office and I loved it. Then covid hit and he was home too. It did take some time (a good 6 months) to adjust to him being home all the time.

Then he was offered and took full time wfh and we've moved to a bigger house. I love it now. I enjoy working from home, we don't crowd each other but sometimes will take a break together and take the dogs in the garden, or have lunch. Some days we're both heads down all day. I'm not sure I thought it was possible myself to live and work with someone. Grin

Pyewackect · 31/03/2021 11:43

.... sounds like he's gonna regret that decision.

andweallsingalong · 31/03/2021 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 11:45

I get it. A lot of the problem is poor soundproofing, lack of space and slightly inconsistent internet capacity
Or a lack of critical thinking.
Bring the washing down in the morning. Get DH to do the same. In the time he's gained by not commuting he or you can put it away.

Put CBEEBIES or YouTube kids on for the kids or a DVD.

One of you throws the hoover round whilst the other starts bed routine.

Put loo cleaner down at bedtime to sit overnight. What does it matter if he uses the loo 20 minutes after you clean it or 3 hours?

Honestly it sounds more like an issue with OCD or similar if it's taking so much time to scrub every floor and toilet and vacuum everything in what sounds like an averages size house

andweallsingalong · 31/03/2021 11:46

Sorry, wrong thread!

OverTheRubicon · 31/03/2021 11:47

@BustopherPonsonbyJones

Some people have very nice lives. If I am reading this properly, people are sad because they can’t sing songs, play the piano or have the TV on in case it disturbs partners who are working from home in a paid job. I guess it would be bit annoying if you have always had the option to do exactly what you choose during the day but you are incredibly privileged to have the chance to be at home, not working, and with children at school for six hours. I’d swap and take the annoyance! I’m guessing this was meant to be ‘light-hearted’?
Agree! Lots of people have written to say yanbu but they're working too. OP is a SAHM with school age children with some freelance stuff and 'housewifely bits', and while I see it would be annoying, I do feel like this is a pretty good problem to have, honestly.
theemmadilemma · 31/03/2021 11:47

Oh and I make oh take the dogs in the garden for a good hour or so ideally to get the floor clean.

greeneyedlulu · 31/03/2021 11:51

I get what you mean, I'm currently being quiet because DP started a new job today WFH downstairs which is open plan. I feel like I can't make noise, hoover, hang the laundry up inside (no garden) and do all my other bits and bobs in my usual, radio on, singing along kind of way! I'll send him upstairs after lunch!!

haliborangemrmen · 31/03/2021 11:56

I get this! When everyone is out I can clean the house from top to bottom, do some batch cooking, get a good chunk of work (as in paying work) done, and have time to take a break. When someone else is in the house I get interrupted every 2 minutes, anything I clean is immediately dirtied again, and then there is the PITA that is lunch. Lunch when I'm on my own is a random selection of leftovers. That doesn't really work for more than one person so lunch requires some effort. It also has to be shopped for. It is an extra job that I can't be bothered with.

A friend of mine had a phrase which she employed after her DH retired. For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse.... but NOT for lunch Grin.

I reckon she had the right idea.

thatsgotit · 31/03/2021 11:57

OMG this. DH is wfh full-time atm, I always wfh and he is driving me spare right now. It's not that he's in my face during work time - we work in separate rooms and I know we're lucky to be able to - it's more a case of too much time in the house (imho) is making him argumentative and naggy. Right now I'm praying he eventually goes back office-based at least some of the time.

thatsgotit · 31/03/2021 11:59

Oh and yy to those who say it's impossible to get on with the housework with people underfoot!

therocinante · 31/03/2021 12:01

Don't think YABU to prefer it being alone, but YABU to be annoyed that your partner (husband?) wants to work from their home.

therocinante · 31/03/2021 12:02

@BustopherPonsonbyJones

Some people have very nice lives. If I am reading this properly, people are sad because they can’t sing songs, play the piano or have the TV on in case it disturbs partners who are working from home in a paid job. I guess it would be bit annoying if you have always had the option to do exactly what you choose during the day but you are incredibly privileged to have the chance to be at home, not working, and with children at school for six hours. I’d swap and take the annoyance! I’m guessing this was meant to be ‘light-hearted’?
Also, this.
Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 12:02

I totally and utterly understand and feel exactly the same way op.

I need silence.

I need the house to be silent.
I don't want to speak to anyone for a very long time.

247 homeschooling and caring and endless noise for a whole year has killed something inside me.

I desperately need everyone to leave my energy shield so I can recharge, but no we have the Easter holidays coming up - yay Confused

Seeline · 31/03/2021 12:03

My DH is even working when he would normally be commuting and then extra as well. So basically it is impossible to do anything noisy or disruptive from about 8 - 7. Some evenings he even goes back after we've eaten.

I think I can probably count the times I have been in the house on my own in the last year on one hand. He did go into the office for one day at the beginning of September, but DS hadn't left for uni.

therocinante · 31/03/2021 12:04

Is this maybe more about the resentment that you felt you had to give up your career? It seems odd to talk of irreperable damage as though it wasn't an active choice you made, unless it wasn't and you were pushed into it by your partner.

Either way, I don't blame you preferring to be alone - I work from home 80% of the time and I much prefer it when it's quiet, but thankfully DH takes himself off to his office so I have my own space! But I'd also be gutted if he suddenly told me he hated WFH cos I was in the house.

SixDegrees · 31/03/2021 12:06

Oh I know what you mean.

DH works from home a few mornings a week from our bedroom, he’s usually either in Teams meetings or doing things that take a lot of concentration, so while he’s doing that I can’t really do things like put away clean laundry, run the washing machine (noisy and under our bedroom), vacuum, play music while I’m doing household stuff and so on. I’m sort of feeling constantly on edge in case I (or the DC) disrupt his work when he’s working from home.

But I do feel guilty for finding it annoying because it seems like such a trivial issue in the greater scheme of things.

elliejjtiny · 31/03/2021 12:06

Yanbu. Dh wfh and I'm a carer for our disabled dc. Love having dh home but could really do with some decent time away from the dc. We normally have an hour together at lunchtime to watch an episode of something grown up on the tv while the dc are at school and I really miss that. What with all the home learning, self isolating and school holidays we have had at least 1 dc at home with us for most of the last year.

Parkperson · 31/03/2021 12:09

My husband retired before I did. He clearly enjoyed having a house to himself to do what he wanted but he is a nice man and he did not complain when I retired and joined him in the house. However we both take the opportunity to do some freelance work when on offer and I think the other person enjoys home alone time.
It does seem very selfish to expect someone to go out to work to fund a stay at home lifestyle and then complain that the breadwinner interrupts yoga sessions.

Housemum · 31/03/2021 12:09

Totally understand this - and I am very fortunate that our house is big enough that we can be separated, I have no right to complain. But my life used to have a rhythm of people in and out - DH WFH 2 or 3 days a week, I went to work 3 days, eldest out at work, middle one at college 3 days, youngest at school. I love being with my family but I equally treasured time just to potter without anyone else - even when they are being nice and making a brew! I haven't spent any time alone in the house since last summer.

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/03/2021 12:12

Currently husband wfh three teens in exam years.

We feel trapped! He’s on the phone constantly, or barging in demanding quiet whilst he’s on zoom. I can even put the washing machine on.

I’m looking at a new patio for the summer.

me4real · 31/03/2021 12:15

I can't imagine being that territorial about the family home.

@Hazel444 I don't think it's a matter of being territorial, more that OP misses having some time and space to herself to relax etc.

@Estherpologist I live alone but would feel exactly the same. Time to myself is vital.

Lindjam · 31/03/2021 12:20

Totally understand OP but I think you need a strategy to get yourself out of the house so you can get some time to yourself if you cannot get it at home.

Whether that is more working or volunteering away from home, take up running or something?

So glad to be single Grin

Minecraftmadness · 31/03/2021 12:23

My OH just started a new job that means he’s away Mon-Fri I’m worryingly happy about this 😂

I’m sure the novelty will wear off eventually but for now it’s very pleasant being alone on the days I’m WFH!

thecatsthecats · 31/03/2021 12:25

@Hazel444

I can't imagine being that territorial about the family home. Sounds like the real issue is you are yearning to get back out into the workplace and so maybe your time as a SAHM has come to an natural end with the kids at school.
Well it's not OP's fault that your imagination is defective. You don't need to invent a different problem (you didn't have a problem imagining that), you can just take her at her word.

I wish my husband would leave the damn house.