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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting the house back to myself

284 replies

Estherpologist · 30/03/2021 22:35

I get that lockdown has meant so many people have had to work from home, and the kids couldn't go to school, but having been the one who gave up their career to be the full time parent, and being the one who hasn't had the luxury of being able to leave the office at the end of the day and go home from their workplace, because home has been my workplace for 12yrs, am I being unreasonable for wanting the house back to myself during the day? Now that the kids are back at school (holidays notwithstanding) am I being unreasonable to be just a bit at the announcement "I'm probably going to work from home from now on"?

OP posts:
cpjoli · 31/03/2021 10:59

Totally!! My DH has returned to work today after a year on furlough. He talks incessantly about absolute crap. Not sure how I've got through it to be honest.
I'm a teacher so it's the holidays. DS is at work and DSS has gone to his mums. It's bliss. The first time in a year of noone talking, no noise, just me and puppy in my pjs, really not giving a fuck !
I've been counting down to this day for 5 days and it's amazing. However the builder will be turning up shortly to fix some bits around the house, but he's snot going to be long.

RaspberryCoulis · 31/03/2021 10:59

I hear you! I have worked from home for years. I usually have the house entirely to myself between about 8.30 and 4 as the kids are at school and DH is at work. I now have DH working at home most days of the week and three teenage children thumping around noisily all day.

It's shit and I'm getting a lot less done.

S111n20 · 31/03/2021 11:01

YANBU

user1487194234 · 31/03/2021 11:05

I have heard a lot of SAHP talk about this,even before lockdown eg after the Christmas holidays etc
I think I would be upset as a WOHP to hear my husband talk like this,it is my house too
But then I don’t think the SAHP should take on all the lunch making etc
There needs to be a good discussion and a new way of doing things that suits everyone

TheYeti · 31/03/2021 11:06

Accept I'm probably in the minority here but I can't stand being in the house on my own! I wfh full time and can't wait for next week when DH and DC will be on holiday from school and home with me. I usually spend all day talking to the dog and end up following DH around the house when he gets back from work because I'm so pleased to be with another adult! Actually, maybe he's the one wishing he could have the house to himself...

FortunesFave · 31/03/2021 11:07

I get you...I've been working from home and caring for kids for 16 years now but I have recently begun to try to get out of the house a bit more. It's much better for me.

TatianaBis · 31/03/2021 11:08

I think it depends whether you have sufficient workspace at home. If you and DH have a study each, I don't think you can argue he can't work from his own home.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 31/03/2021 11:09

I get this too! I usually work four days a week, and my DP works full time. My day off was my time to potter, do stuff like go to the hairdresser, meet friends etc.

Since last March I have been WFH, and my DP was actually made redundant, so both of us knocking about, all the time, plus financial pressure. He is now working again, thank god, but from home too. He’s my best friend, and I couldn’t have made it through the last year without him, but god, I would love just to have the house to myself even for one day!

Snog · 31/03/2021 11:11

DH has been temporarily working from home since March 2020, mainly on zoom calls, and it's quite disruptive with the constant noise and busy atmosphere. Also we can't use our "hobbies" room during the day now. He has gone to his actual office today due to wifi issues and it's so calm and relaxing at home now.

If we move again I would really prefer he had a separate office building in the garden or at least a room specifically for him that didn't have a lot of noise pollution for the rest of the house!

I recognise my privilege though as some of DH colleagues are working from a bedroom in a shared house or an open plan family space which must be really really hard.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 11:12

Do you have designated work spaces? DH has worked from home for a year in DSs bedroom and whilst I'm immeasurably grateful he's here, if he had an office it would be easier and if we had to share an office it would be hell.

Does your DP have form for wandering around in the day and disturbing you? I think ground rules are acceptable.

Does him being home mean he's saving an hour each side on commuting so can do more around the house? Can he do say morning school runs so you're freed up to work more?

It should Def be something that advantages you both

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2021 11:15

@user1487194234

I have heard a lot of SAHP talk about this,even before lockdown eg after the Christmas holidays etc I think I would be upset as a WOHP to hear my husband talk like this,it is my house too But then I don’t think the SAHP should take on all the lunch making etc There needs to be a good discussion and a new way of doing things that suits everyone
Absolutely. DH looks after the smallies whilst I do morning school run and I'm back for his work start time. He comes down lunch time and usually makes lunch for us both. He makes his own drinks and fetches his own snacks because I had small children to care for. He's "home" earlier as no commute so is expected to parent from that moment, not gain extra free time
OverTheRubicon · 31/03/2021 11:16

If not being able to work full-time has done 'irreparable damage to [your] career', then maybe you could use the opportunity of him being home to reignite it, or find another career? The money he's saving on a commute could be put to a cleaner, or to him doing the cleaning or being more helpful with the kids or the house.

This will also help if the real reason you want him out more is if you just don't like him that much - think about what that means in the long term, as the kids get older and he retires, maybe it's good to have your own funds.

Or if you don't really want that, then as a single mum who's working and doing the 'housewifely bits' solo, then I have limited sympathy for someone has quite a lot of time to themselves but also wants their partner to go back to doing an unwelcome commute so that they can have the house to themselves too.

Brownteddybear · 31/03/2021 11:19

I get it too OP. I wish everyone would get back to work so I could work in peace again. And that goes for the whole neighbourhood not just my family! Wink

LuaDipa · 31/03/2021 11:22

Completely understand. Both dh and I have always had a bit of flexibility re wfh, but we weren’t usually in the house together. I used to use my wfh days to catch up with a bit of housework, cook dinner etc (I would gain an extra 3 hours due to no commute on these days). Now dh is everywhere all the time and I can’t get anything done due to his phone calls. Not to mention the fact that I let him have exclusive use of our shared office at the other end of the house which is lovely and quiet so I don’t know why he can’t bloody just stay put!! He now only used it for Teams meetings as he says it’s lonely down there.Hmm

I will be heading back to work without a backward glance as soon as possible to get some peace and quiet, so I really feel for you not having anywhere else to go op.

MrsMcTats · 31/03/2021 11:29

I do understand what the OP is saying - it changes the dynamic.
I'm a SAHM and in many ways having DH at home has been a big help. For example I'm no longer dragging a toddler and pre-schooler on rainy school runs because I can leave them at home whilst I pop out for my eldest. Of course DH is entitled to be in the house as much as me, but that was not the situation when I decided to stay at home. At times I do find it stifling having no time apart and accounting for where I'm going, who I'm seeing etc. He had his life at work and I had mine at home and it worked very well. We have a great relationship, but him WFH does change my day to day life. He also says WFH has its benefits, but he did enjoy being in the office and having a clear end of the day. Eventually he will go back in a few days a week and I think that's perfect for both of us.

jessstan2 · 31/03/2021 11:29

Work in different rooms.

randomsabreuse · 31/03/2021 11:29

I get it. A lot of the problem is poor soundproofing, lack of space and slightly inconsistent internet capacity.

If someone has a dedicated office at one end of the house and you're on super amazing fast broadband them WFH doesn't impact other people in the house.

DH's desk is in our bedroom which limits my ability to do things like put washing away as I go, grab more washing from the baskets etc and our internet can go glitchy if the whole street is on zoom so I can't stream something for DC to keep them distracted from trashing the sitting room/themselves while I throw lunch together.

Plus noise of stuff like hoovering, time window when DH isn't working and DC aren't asleep is very limited (and mostly taken up with dinner and bath).

Also stuff like cleaning the loo/washing floors is so much easier with no other person around - I can make sure I won't need the facilities for the time period required but trying to impose that on others is "controlling"

BustopherPonsonbyJones · 31/03/2021 11:32

Some people have very nice lives. If I am reading this properly, people are sad because they can’t sing songs, play the piano or have the TV on in case it disturbs partners who are working from home in a paid job. I guess it would be bit annoying if you have always had the option to do exactly what you choose during the day but you are incredibly privileged to have the chance to be at home, not working, and with children at school for six hours. I’d swap and take the annoyance! I’m guessing this was meant to be ‘light-hearted’?

Shedbuilder · 31/03/2021 11:35

I hear you, OP! I've run a business from home for years. I appreciated the quiet, the lack of interruptions and the fact that I could take a call while making coffee in our open-plan kitchen knowing that I wouldn't be interrupted. My partner's been wfh for the last year. She spends much of her day on the phone or Zoom and I can hear her talking in the background most of the time, despite shut doors.

I often have to go off to site visits, sometimes at short notice, and she likes me to tell her where I'm going and when I'll be back. I've been used to coming and going on my own and I've found this requirement very difficult! I'm used to having lunch on my own and playing the odd online game or coming on here during my break. Now we sit and eat together with nothing much to talk about except work. It's not good. I need alone time.

It's not healthy for our relationship and I'm already making plans to find myself an office outside our home. I think a lot of people are finding this much more difficult than expected.

Deathraystare · 31/03/2021 11:35

It just annoys me that when I need help he is no where to be seen, but when I could just try and relax for 5 minutes he is in my face asking why xyz isn't done and wanting to chat about the news etc arghhhh

Store up your questions for when he is annoying you by chatting. He obvs has nothing to do! "while you are there can you take one of the kids" etc etc. If yo keep it up he won't be so eager to chat! I know that won't help but at least you won't have to listen to him!

UserTwice · 31/03/2021 11:37

I used to have 5 minutes a day in the house to myself after everyone had left for work/school. 5 minutes. I find myself craving that time intensely. my DH is an introvert and scarcely ever goes out so if I want time to myself I have to be the one that leaves the house. The fact my "work" is now also in my living space is not helping.

Various of my colleagues have built "office sheds" in their garden. I suspect because their wives were sick of them :) That might be an option?

poppycat10 · 31/03/2021 11:38

I totally get it OP. Maybe you should direct your DH to somewhere like this: thesalisburyoffice.co.uk/ (or use somewhere like that yourself)

poppycat10 · 31/03/2021 11:39

Various of my colleagues have built "office sheds" in their garden. I suspect because their wives were sick of them That might be an option

We have one, but I use it!

poppycat10 · 31/03/2021 11:40

Also stuff like cleaning the loo/washing floors is so much easier with no other person around

Yes this. Loos are ok as we have 3, but it's impossible to find a window to do the kitchen floor as someone is always around and wants to walk across it.

Iloveadrianmole · 31/03/2021 11:40

I fantasize on a daily basis about having a day to myself in the house. I have two messy and irritating teenagers and a dog that will follow me from room to room. I love them all dearly but fuck me, I have not had a moment of solitude, without interruption, for a year.

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