AIBU to want to be a SAHM

[lemmeavabru]

To start, I am very part time but it is a professional job with responsibilities. I've worked on a postgraduate qualification to get this job. But I still feel it's too much!

I have multiple kids one with severe SN and I'm her carer. On top of this all the housework falls to me. DH helps when he can. Finances are ok for now. I did the qualification and took the job more for future security. I do enjoy the job but not the stresses that go with it. I've a had lesser jobs in the past but felt unfulfilled.

I feel drained all the time. Like I'm not doing either job well. This has been going on for a few years whilst I was studying but I soldiered on but now I just want to give it up and become a SAHM for a while.

My worry is though re future job prospects.
Thanks for reading

Does your husband want to be the sole earner?
Obviously staying at home will limit future job prospects for you, it also puts all the stress of financially providing for the family and you both in retirement onto your husband. It is a lot of pressure for one person.

Why is it that you have to do everything and ‘DH helps when he can’

Sounds like you need to sit down and divide up household tasks and childcare more often. Just because you work part time doesn’t mean you should have all housework responsibility.

I’d keep the job. Play the long game. Think about the possibility of divorce or even less likely, widowhood. You need to think rationally and safeguard your future.

If your DH is already doing all he can domestically, you could look at paid help eg a cleaner to give the house a good clean once a week.

all the housework falls to me

Why?

DH helps when he can*

It's not 'help'. It's contributing his share to the running of the household.
Would he expect you to do even more if you're at home FT?

Could you afford to get a cleaner for couple of hours a week if he can't/won't help?

Do you have any medical support for your DD with special needs? It does sound like you have a lot on your plate, but also sounds like DH isn't doing his fair share of childcare or housework.

How old are the kids?

Sounds to me like you should keep the job but with more help - DH needs to step up.

Career break for a couple of years? As someone who was a SAHM for 5 years before returning part time to my profession I was very lucky to get back in (not down to me but a set of circumstances meant could get back in, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to return). I would be very wary to give up a job that I knew I couldn’t return to.
Having the sanity of my job has changed me - I think I was quite depressed and overwhelmed as a SAHM as there was nothing for “me”. But that’s me and everyone will be different.

Also, everyone is not quite right at the moment. I wouldn’t be making any big decisions that I didn’t have to until things with Covid calm down.
Could you alternatively if you have money spare just throw some money at it-
Cleaner
Ironing service
Online shopping
More childcare/ respite care
Gardener
Cash valet
Basically outsource as much as possible to increase your free time.
Can your DH take on some of the mental load? E.g. kids clubs, financial admin etc.

Oh god, do NOT sacrifice your financial independence or your earning power. Think how much worse this would all be if your relationship failed and you were doing all of this with no "help" from your husband and no income besides benefits.

Your partner needs to step up and take some of the load off you.

You have a DH programme. He needs to be pulling his weight.

Problem, sorry, a DH problem.

Maybe write a pros and cons list? I have two children with high needs SEN and have done working full time, part time and full SAHM (currently SAHM). What works best is highly individual. I agree with PPs that in normal circumstances it would partly be a DH problem although I know with a disabled child it is extremely difficult for even a 2 parent family to keep on top of all the chores. I don't know the nature of your child's SEN but you might be dealing with 3x the normal amount of laundry, smearing, food throwing, property destruction, vastly increased life admin, etc etc etc and that's possibly why you're drowning a bit in the chores even if DH does as much as he can. Having someone at home full time might alleviate this a bit because the time you'd otherwise be doing your out of home job, you could be doing these things instead. However, as PPs have said, you could outsource some of this to paid cleaner etc. So it's really down to you and DH deciding what's best for your family.

Can you buy in more help to make life easier eg cleaner? Do you qualify for any respite care for DC.
What are prospects of getting another part time job in future in same role?
Would a move to a different company help. Is a sabbatical an option?
What would you do if husband died or left you tommorow - as a sahm you are vulnerable.

I can't tell you what to do. The advice above is very good.

However, just another perspective. I suffered with antenatal depression when pregnant with DC2 and felt utterly overwhelmed trying to balance motherhood with work. Felt I was failing at both.

I chose to give up my job and spent an utterly lovely few years with my kids. It wasn't perfect, and while money was tight I know I was lucky that we could afford it.

I have undoubtedly lost ground in my career but for me it was worth it and the right decision. I would have been extremely unhappy trying to have it all.

I dont think anyone can answer this question without hearing DH's thoughts also...on job and hosusework. You are in a partnership with him, not us on MN.

Thank you for the responses.

It is partly a DH problem. He doesn't see how our life has changed with more kids and SN needs. He expects things to be run smoothly as before. (I worked almost full time with all household responsibilities).

I went part time when SN child was born and he resented it. Mostly because the income had gone down and stepped up his controlling nature especially re finances. When last DC was born I became a SAHM. He supported me in theory but would resent it if I spent any money on a cleaner (I would tell him that I'm using DLA for this) but it just fell on deaf ears. He especially resented any treats for kids or any money I spent on myself. (I would tell him that I get CA so can use this to spend on myself like coffee with friends). I'm not talking about designer stuff btw. I saw this as respite. He did not. Our relationship is really rocky and I was on the verge of divorce but the logistics of having kids and other commitments meant we're still together.

Hence one of the reasons to retrain and do something for myself. I also so it as an escape plan to be honest. But I'm just exhausted.

I know it's probably not helpful to you right now but I'm currently a SAHM and if I could get a decent job and go back to work I'd do it in a heartbeat.
It is so so lonely, especially at the minute but even pre covid it was a struggle. I'd consider whether or not you have a good support system/local friends who are also sahm/playgroups you'd be able to go to etc. I think things like that will make or break being a sahm.
And as PPs have said it sounds like your DH should be doing more to help.

Based on your update do not give up work. I'm truly sorry it's so hard at the minute and it sounds like you're drowning in it, but if your marriage is struggling/verging on divorce do not give up your earning power and risk being screwed over in a divorce. At least if you have a job you have some of your own income and the potential to increase hours in the future if you're able to find a workable solution once the DC are older. Like other's have said, could you get a cleaner in? Even fortnightly just to take the edge of and you do a quick flick round in between? If DH is financially controlling I'd imagine the last thing you want to do is give him all the power by you being a SAHM.

saw not so lol.

Also I understand that the decision involves him. A part of him wants the traditional setup with lovely home cooked meals everyday and for him to vent to me and to be available for the the wifey stuff. But he also wants a spik and span home and for me not to go out too much! I felt stifled.

Sorry, edge off*.

The husband is the issue here not whether you are a SAHM.
Staying at home to work harder than ever and have him dictate how you spend every penny...

I would leave him, get a decent financial settlement and choose to live any way you choose, whether it is using DLA for coffee or cleaner or extra help.

It doesn't look like things are going to improve if you SAHM, it is just going to be a sticking plaster over HIS festering unreasonableness. Maybe just maybe you will have more strength to put up with his unreasonableness, but that can only be a bad thing.
Stop work
Get your ducks in a row
Leave
Start work again, on YOUR terms not his, if it suits YOU.

If divorce is on the cards I definitely wouldn’t give up the job you worked hard to get. If he won’t step up I would hire more outside help. He doesn’t get to control both.

I never feel good enough.

He's always complaining about the meagre meals dinner not being cooked on time and the state if the house and that I'm neglecting the kids.

I said to him the other day that one of the neighbours approached me and said that she thought I was doing an amazing job handling everything. His response was well they dont know that we don't get decent meals! Honestly I could have cried. But i blame myself for seeking validation from him.

Christ OP.

Have you got real life support with this? Stay in work, keep your income. Separate as quickly as you can. You sound marvellous and he sounds appalling.

As the mum of a SEN child and two others, who doesn't work, I can honestly say your husband sounds emotionally abusive. He is creating the burden you feel right now, not the kids.
If my husband criticised the house or the meals or my childcare I think that would be the end of our partnership. Quite frankly there are other more important things to argue about.

OP,

You are most certainly in a highly abusive relationship.

I really think you need to contact Women's Aid and see a solicitor.

Your husband sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

Really nasty.

Your need to get all the financial information together and get this nasty prick out of the house.

You need to toughen up.

Can you reach out to family and friends for support.

Your poor, poor woman.

I was about to say you should be a SAHM if you were struggling and your husband is supportive. But your later posts tell me that you need this 100% as your escape route away from him. Wouldn’t your day to day be easier if you didn’t have him belittling you all the time? You will find a way, there is support out there for childcare especially children with SEN. Good luck to you OP, I know it must be hard. Outsource everywhere you can right now and find a way out of this marriage if you can.