AIBU to want to be a SAHM

[lemmeavabru]

To start, I am very part time but it is a professional job with responsibilities. I've worked on a postgraduate qualification to get this job. But I still feel it's too much!

I have multiple kids one with severe SN and I'm her carer. On top of this all the housework falls to me. DH helps when he can. Finances are ok for now. I did the qualification and took the job more for future security. I do enjoy the job but not the stresses that go with it. I've a had lesser jobs in the past but felt unfulfilled.

I feel drained all the time. Like I'm not doing either job well. This has been going on for a few years whilst I was studying but I soldiered on but now I just want to give it up and become a SAHM for a while.

My worry is though re future job prospects.
Thanks for reading

[georgarina]

You are both working yet you have all the household and childcare responsibilities.

Why? You are working as well. It's too much and it's unfair.

Need to discuss this with your DH.

[lemmeavabru]

rotation*

I do feel lucky my work is only 5 min away from kids school. My manager would love for me to do more hours. I went up for a few weeks but felt I couldn't cope and reduced the hours again.

[JSL52]

Never mind a SAHM I'd be LTB.
Please don't do it , it won't stop him being vile.
Let him have the kids on his contact time and see what decent meals he can conjure up.

[lemmeavabru]

There are some really good practical suggestions here and I'm going to try and use the Easter break to organise myself.
Maybe sort out proper childcare for the younger ones. No breakfast club for SN dc.
Cook and prep food at weekends
Have a rotating for the kids re cleaning
Try to get a cleaner

[lemmeavabru]

Thank you everyone.

I really really do want to leave. But logistics makes it hard. The kids and the finances. The house needs renovating and it would be difficult to sell and get a decent sized house with the kids. I've been scouring for houses in our area and even went to see a couple but it just doesn't feel right.

I know my life would be easier without him around. I feel it in my gut. But I feel now is not the time. I actually thought that once I got the qualification and job I'd leave but now we've started the house. It would feel unreasonable to get him to pitch in with footing some of the bill and most of the labour of renovating/organising builders (he's also controllong about this) for me to then say oh by the way, move out.

[MAPEI]

OP I’d be looking into starting divorce proceedings tomorrow. I really, truly would. You would be so much better off on your own. You’d get half of assets and probably his pension and could buy your own little house and do as you bloody please without having to worry about him. He’s absolutely shocking, no way could I stay married to him for a moment longer. Life would be so much easier if you weren’t dealing with all the daily resentment and criticism from your marriage.

Definitely don’t give up your job just yet.

[WhereamI88]

Keep your job. If you leave, going back will be extremely difficult if not impossible - professional jobs with responsibilities usually need people with up to date skills. Also, you will lose yourself even more. You are giving him all control and even more ammunition to tear you down for not contributing financially.

Keep the job and think about your marriage...seriously think if this is how you want to live because you sound pretty smart and impressive, you deserve to be treated well.

[HavelockVetinari]

How many hours do you work, and how many DC do you have/what ages are they?

[Handsoffstrikesagain]

Whenever anyone posts situations like this I always tell them the story about my DHs aunt. She married a pig 45 years ago. He stayed a pig throughout their marriage. Nasty, emotionally abusive, controlled the finances etc. She was a stay at home mum and he has ruined her life. Her relationship with her DC is pretty crap. She is 70 years old and trapped. She has wasted her life. Don’t be my DHs poor aunt x

[May17th]

You sound like your doing fab OP!!
Hats off to you. How many hours do you work? Can you reduce them down any further?

I would spend money on a cleaner twice a week if it meant I could maintain my job and I was less stressed!

[DianaT1969]

Regarding your DC and getting them to help out, chores are a short burst of exercise away from screens and homework and will set them up for being productive adults. I think the key is to give them one job which they must do daily and not change it. So there is no nagging required. Just 'it's your job - we all live here - fit it in'.
20 mins of housework a day won't hinder their progress at school.

Are you looking after yourself with vitamin supplements?

Think about 5 years from now. You with money in the bank, a pension and earning potential, versus struggling on benefits and feeling out of the workplace.

Imagine having every weekend to yourself if that's what you can agree with your husband on contact time. You could meet friends, de-stress and stay in bed with a book.

[Handsoffstrikesagain]

Oh OP get rid, he sounds like a pig.

[HooHaaaaaa]

Just read your updates - definitely don't give up work! You will need your job so that one day you can leave

[HooHaaaaaa]

I would never ever give up my job. Divide up the chores/ pay for a cleaner. I assume you can afford to if you can afford not to work?

[Howshouldibehave]

With a controlling husband who you want to separate from, no way would I give up the job.

[cripez]

@lemmeavabru

Even disciplining the able kids (I dont like using that word) and getting them to do simple chores and sticking to it is exhausted. I also feel guilty asking them too much.

You're burnt out OP. I get it.

I am friends with many parent carers and I swear over half of us have chronic pain conditions or auto immune disorders from the exhaustion.

[lemmeavabru]

is exhausting

[lemmeavabru]

Even disciplining the able kids (I dont like using that word) and getting them to do simple chores and sticking to it is exhausted. I also feel guilty asking them too much.

[lemmeavabru]

I'm actually tearing up reading your responses. I thought I would leave out my DH bit and just ask for advice re choosing between working and not, but obviously, like you all have said, it's only possible if we're both on board in theory and in practice.

Ther are other, practical things like the SN childs therapies and appointments. One of my DCs is starting uni and needs even more support. Another is having emotional difficulties and has trouble at school. All of this worry and the lack of real support at home makes me think I should pack it all in and concentrate on kids and home for a few years. I even thought about homeschooling my SN DC when she goes to high school because I think her needs won't be met.

Family don't see his behaviour as abusive, unreasonable yes. Some also think I'm a bit sensitive. I've actually physically separated with separate rooms etc (not told family) but in practice I still do everything. I think mostly to keep the peace and feel like I need him on my side to do the basics iyswim.

[cripez]

@DianaT1969

What? How can an intelligent, educated woman ask this? With your financially controlling husband you absolutely can't give up your earning power. Crack on with the divorce. You feel overwhelmed because you are trying to live up to his standards. Being with someone who doesn't appreciate you will wear you out.
Once you divorce you can get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to do the main stuff..
The children should be looking after their own rooms and help with simple chores. When we were at primary school, my siblings split daily chores to hoover, wipe down surfaces, and empty the bins. Once that was down we could play out or do homework. It only took us 20 minutes. We were 6 to 11 years.

Leave him OP. Make sure has the DC a couple of days per week, so that you have a break.

She has a child that is severely disabled.

They can't tidy their room.

[cripez]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

What will you do for a state pension if you haven't worked for 30 years? My mother didn't work ever and now she can't leave her husband because she has zero income.

As a carer you are entitled to NI contributions.

OP I would recommend this be moved to a SN board, people here will not get it.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

What will you do for a state pension if you haven't worked for 30 years? My mother didn't work ever and now she can't leave her husband because she has zero income.

[cripez]

@thepeopleversuswork

Based on what you’ve said about your DH I would say becoming a SAHM is the absolutely worst thing you could do.

There are circumstances where being a SAHM in a secure relationship makes sense for a period of time but this isn’t one of them.

Your problem is your DH and his entitlement and his refusal to do his share and the pressure he is heaping onto you.

It’s understandable that you feel defeated and exhausted but you’re looking at it the wrong way round. Working and caring for small kids is exhausting and it’s a two person job. I would bet my yearly salary that if he stepped up you would feel considerably less exhausted.

Whatever you do, don’t make yourself wholly financially dependent on this man now. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet when you leave him.

Do you have a disabled child, though?

[cripez]

SAHM mum to two here, and carer to a child with significant additional needs.

I had a career, which I had a post grad qualification for. I was the higher earner in our relationship for a number of years.

There is absolutely no way in hell I would be able to hold that job down now, I'm bloody impressed you've got this far.

We have DLA and I have CA, it's helped us run a reliable car and pays for extras for DC.

Also, despite being home all day, and having two days a week when I don't have children for five hours, my house is still a shit tip and I only just keep on top of laundry. Dinner tonight is a heat it up at home Chinese meal in a box thingy from Sainsbury's.

People will tell you to keep your job at all costs - I disagree. Finding care for a child with AN is virtually impossible. Someone has to be there to do all the admin, the telephoning round, the appointments. That person sounds like it should be you.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Based on what you’ve said about your DH I would say becoming a SAHM is the absolutely worst thing you could do.

There are circumstances where being a SAHM in a secure relationship makes sense for a period of time but this isn’t one of them.

Your problem is your DH and his entitlement and his refusal to do his share and the pressure he is heaping onto you.

It’s understandable that you feel defeated and exhausted but you’re looking at it the wrong way round. Working and caring for small kids is exhausting and it’s a two person job. I would bet my yearly salary that if he stepped up you would feel considerably less exhausted.

Whatever you do, don’t make yourself wholly financially dependent on this man now. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet when you leave him.