AIBU to want to be a SAHM

[lemmeavabru]

To start, I am very part time but it is a professional job with responsibilities. I've worked on a postgraduate qualification to get this job. But I still feel it's too much!

I have multiple kids one with severe SN and I'm her carer. On top of this all the housework falls to me. DH helps when he can. Finances are ok for now. I did the qualification and took the job more for future security. I do enjoy the job but not the stresses that go with it. I've a had lesser jobs in the past but felt unfulfilled.

I feel drained all the time. Like I'm not doing either job well. This has been going on for a few years whilst I was studying but I soldiered on but now I just want to give it up and become a SAHM for a while.

My worry is though re future job prospects.
Thanks for reading

Op your last post was just awful! I would definitely not quit your job and lose the security that comes with it as I think you should be looking into divorce. Your DH seems like the type that would control every penny you spent as well and that's no way to live.
For the record it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and next time your husband comments about feeling malnourished or whatever I'd tell him to cook his own meal like the capable adult he is. Good luck with whatever you end up deciding

I have a part time professional job and a SEN child and I feel like I am failing at life a lot of the time. But my husband and I are a team! Yours is a rude ungrateful arse.

I was originally going to say go for it, be a sahm if you can afford it and are happy to do so.

However your update that the relationship is rocky and he’s a bit of a womble....do not do it!!! I doubt this relationship is going to last and you will need money to help get back on your feet.

I was also going to say go for it but I’m sorry it would be a very stupid move with the husband that you have . Frankly I’d be leaving and setting up on my own at least that way he will have to organise his own cook , cleaner and look after his own children for a bit .

Definitely definitely do NOT give up work in this situation!

Definitely definitely do speak to a solicitor though

This became a very different thread from your second post, and subsequent ones even more so.
You 100% need to keep your career going.
If you have any sense you will keep the career going and not the marriage.
None of us ever go in to a marriage expecting it not to work out, but sometimes you have to look at what you are getting from it and what it is doing to your own health.

From the first post, I was going to say keep the job and outsource some of the cleaning, maybe cooking and laundry, but the more you've written, the more it becomes apparent this post isn't about working.
Even you have used the words 'controlling' about your dh. How do you think that will get any better once you are at home all day and reliant on his salary ?

Do not give up work. Give up your husband. You'll find it easier without him.

I love being a sahm most of the time but I don’t think it’s a wise move in your situation. The only way it works is with both partners fully respecting the other’s work and contribution, equal access to money and equal access to leisure.

I think you would be better to look for full time work, outsource as much domestic work as possible and work towards independence.

It always makes me laugh when men who work ft, expect their laundry washed and meals handed to them as an entitlement because they -gasp- work! They should be looking at their fabulous women colleagues doing the same job they do, and more often than not juggling childcare, cooking, shopping and cleaning and feel thoroughly inadequate.

What? How can an intelligent, educated woman ask this? With your financially controlling husband you absolutely can't give up your earning power. Crack on with the divorce. You feel overwhelmed because you are trying to live up to his standards. Being with someone who doesn't appreciate you will wear you out.
Once you divorce you can get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to do the main stuff..
The children should be looking after their own rooms and help with simple chores. When we were at primary school, my siblings split daily chores to hoover, wipe down surfaces, and empty the bins. Once that was down we could play out or do homework. It only took us 20 minutes. We were 6 to 11 years.

Leave him OP. Make sure has the DC a couple of days per week, so that you have a break.

Based on what you’ve said about your DH I would say becoming a SAHM is the absolutely worst thing you could do.

There are circumstances where being a SAHM in a secure relationship makes sense for a period of time but this isn’t one of them.

Your problem is your DH and his entitlement and his refusal to do his share and the pressure he is heaping onto you.

It’s understandable that you feel defeated and exhausted but you’re looking at it the wrong way round. Working and caring for small kids is exhausting and it’s a two person job. I would bet my yearly salary that if he stepped up you would feel considerably less exhausted.

Whatever you do, don’t make yourself wholly financially dependent on this man now. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet when you leave him.

SAHM mum to two here, and carer to a child with significant additional needs.

I had a career, which I had a post grad qualification for. I was the higher earner in our relationship for a number of years.

There is absolutely no way in hell I would be able to hold that job down now, I'm bloody impressed you've got this far.

We have DLA and I have CA, it's helped us run a reliable car and pays for extras for DC.

Also, despite being home all day, and having two days a week when I don't have children for five hours, my house is still a shit tip and I only just keep on top of laundry. Dinner tonight is a heat it up at home Chinese meal in a box thingy from Sainsbury's.

People will tell you to keep your job at all costs - I disagree. Finding care for a child with AN is virtually impossible. Someone has to be there to do all the admin, the telephoning round, the appointments. That person sounds like it should be you.

@thepeopleversuswork

Based on what you’ve said about your DH I would say becoming a SAHM is the absolutely worst thing you could do.

There are circumstances where being a SAHM in a secure relationship makes sense for a period of time but this isn’t one of them.

Your problem is your DH and his entitlement and his refusal to do his share and the pressure he is heaping onto you.

It’s understandable that you feel defeated and exhausted but you’re looking at it the wrong way round. Working and caring for small kids is exhausting and it’s a two person job. I would bet my yearly salary that if he stepped up you would feel considerably less exhausted.

Whatever you do, don’t make yourself wholly financially dependent on this man now. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet when you leave him.

Do you have a disabled child, though?

What will you do for a state pension if you haven't worked for 30 years? My mother didn't work ever and now she can't leave her husband because she has zero income.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

What will you do for a state pension if you haven't worked for 30 years? My mother didn't work ever and now she can't leave her husband because she has zero income.

As a carer you are entitled to NI contributions.

OP I would recommend this be moved to a SN board, people here will not get it.

@DianaT1969

What? How can an intelligent, educated woman ask this? With your financially controlling husband you absolutely can't give up your earning power. Crack on with the divorce. You feel overwhelmed because you are trying to live up to his standards. Being with someone who doesn't appreciate you will wear you out. Once you divorce you can get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to do the main stuff.. The children should be looking after their own rooms and help with simple chores. When we were at primary school, my siblings split daily chores to hoover, wipe down surfaces, and empty the bins. Once that was down we could play out or do homework. It only took us 20 minutes. We were 6 to 11 years.

Leave him OP. Make sure has the DC a couple of days per week, so that you have a break.

She has a child that is severely disabled.

They can't tidy their room.

I'm actually tearing up reading your responses. I thought I would leave out my DH bit and just ask for advice re choosing between working and not, but obviously, like you all have said, it's only possible if we're both on board in theory and in practice.

Ther are other, practical things like the SN childs therapies and appointments. One of my DCs is starting uni and needs even more support. Another is having emotional difficulties and has trouble at school. All of this worry and the lack of real support at home makes me think I should pack it all in and concentrate on kids and home for a few years. I even thought about homeschooling my SN DC when she goes to high school because I think her needs won't be met.

Family don't see his behaviour as abusive, unreasonable yes. Some also think I'm a bit sensitive. I've actually physically separated with separate rooms etc (not told family) but in practice I still do everything. I think mostly to keep the peace and feel like I need him on my side to do the basics iyswim.

Even disciplining the able kids (I dont like using that word) and getting them to do simple chores and sticking to it is exhausted. I also feel guilty asking them too much.

is exhausting

@lemmeavabru

Even disciplining the able kids (I dont like using that word) and getting them to do simple chores and sticking to it is exhausted. I also feel guilty asking them too much.

You're burnt out OP. I get it.

I am friends with many parent carers and I swear over half of us have chronic pain conditions or auto immune disorders from the exhaustion.

With a controlling husband who you want to separate from, no way would I give up the job.

I would never ever give up my job. Divide up the chores/ pay for a cleaner. I assume you can afford to if you can afford not to work?

Just read your updates - definitely don't give up work! You will need your job so that one day you can leave

Regarding your DC and getting them to help out, chores are a short burst of exercise away from screens and homework and will set them up for being productive adults. I think the key is to give them one job which they must do daily and not change it. So there is no nagging required. Just 'it's your job - we all live here - fit it in'.
20 mins of housework a day won't hinder their progress at school.

Are you looking after yourself with vitamin supplements?

Think about 5 years from now. You with money in the bank, a pension and earning potential, versus struggling on benefits and feeling out of the workplace.

Imagine having every weekend to yourself if that's what you can agree with your husband on contact time. You could meet friends, de-stress and stay in bed with a book.

You sound like your doing fab OP!!
Hats off to you. How many hours do you work? Can you reduce them down any further?

I would spend money on a cleaner twice a week if it meant I could maintain my job and I was less stressed!