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Original poster

To think that this is massively inappropriate

80 replies

Goodytoshoes · 29/03/2021 14:06

A little boy tragically died in my community late last week.

Ever since his death people within the community (I highly doubt many of them knew the little boy) have been sharing pictures, news articles, general posts etc. about him, it's all over my news feed.

When the funeral director posted on Facebook about his death, a girl I am friends with on Facebook wrote underneath it, and tagged the mother and grandmother in the post saying "sorry for your loss".

I just think it's massively inappropriate to be sharing posts constantly and writing condolences on Facebook. Condolences are a very private thing, and should be kept as such. I've only ever written a condolence in private messenger if I have no other form of contact with the person who has lost someone, never would I dare put it on someone's Facebook wall, or any type of public post.

This little boys family have Facebook, so when they login they'll see things about him everywhere, adding to their heartache.

Am I just old fashioned, or is this inappropriate?

OP posts:
Tlollj · 29/03/2021 14:07

I agree massively inappropriate.

QwertyGirly · 29/03/2021 14:09

I don't think so. It's not the best but not completely inappropriate. If we were not in Covid times, people in the community would have been able to express their sympathy face to face. Times have moved on, people do use social media for all sorts of things. Maybe the parents will be grateful that they have support from the local community.

Troublewaters2021 · 29/03/2021 14:11

This as well as sick children really grinds me.
The case of the wee boys in gosh and alderhey friends changing there profile pics of them. Declaring their love for the boys and how emotionally impacted they were when they did pass ( happening again with the footballers wee girl )
None of them even know theirs birthdays now it’s very odd.

AlexaShutUp · 29/03/2021 14:12

I don't know tbh. I don't really use Facebook, but maybe it's just the nature of the world we live in now for people to communicate in this way. I'm not sure.

thatwasme22 · 29/03/2021 14:13

Meh people do anything to make themselves look good or use others tragedy for their own benefit- yanbu. I recall a girl in my home town dying in a freak accident and people who openly bullied her and were nasty to her were suddenly her 'friend' and visiting the parents etc.

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 29/03/2021 14:14

@Troublewaters2021

This as well as sick children really grinds me. The case of the wee boys in gosh and alderhey friends changing there profile pics of them. Declaring their love for the boys and how emotionally impacted they were when they did pass ( happening again with the footballers wee girl ) None of them even know theirs birthdays now it’s very odd.
Changing their profile pictures to pictures of them?? That's a new one, I'm glad I've never came across that!

I know they probably mean well, but that seems very disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
SmokedDuck · 29/03/2021 14:14

I don't really like this, but I don't think there is any real social consensus about it yet. Social media is too new and people use it quite differently.

It did used to be more common for people to write notes of condolences to people who they were not close to than you see today, and many funeral home websites allow for messages to be left for the family under obituaries. So maybe it isn't all that different.

Cam2020 · 29/03/2021 14:18

Its really over-stepping IMO. People do behave so thoughtlessly on SM and respind in ways tbey would in a face to face scenario. I'm sure a lot of people are genuine, but there always seem to be some tbat use it as an excuse to rasie their own profiles.

Bbee29 · 29/03/2021 14:18

From my experience people like to get very involved when someone dies tragically and I found it iffy too. I totally get people in the community want to help and pay their respects, that’s not my problem at all.

It’s when people share it all over Facebook. Those who suddenly know the deceased when the die even if they never met or only met once. Or it’s the cousins auntys friend or something - this is my biggest Pete hate.

When I had a family member die suddenly last year. I had people adding me, people messaging me I hardly know. People just thrive on gossip and hearsay.

Paying your respects is one thing but being intrusive is another.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 29/03/2021 14:20

Here in Ireland, where our death and dying culture is completely different, the local parish fb pages post the death notices and condolences would be conveyed as a regular comment....so sounds normal to me. Although a lot of the time you might not actually "know" the deceased, but you'd know "of" them, or of the family. You'd still pass on your sympathies for a loss regardless though.

fashionablydusty · 29/03/2021 14:20

I agree. A teenager tragically took his own life in my area recently and social media seems to be full of people posting memes/comments etc- all on the face of it supportive etc but it just seems rather shallow to me. Most of the comments could have been made about death and I doubt most of the posters had ever spoken to him. There's also a bit of an impromptu shrine in the local park with loads of teenage girls crying and taking selfies. I may be wrong and the family may be helped by this but if it was someone close to me I would hate it.

ForgedInFire · 29/03/2021 14:22

Really depends on the family. I don't think I would like it if I was the mother but a lot of people would find it really comforting that the wider community sees and joins in their grief, I think

AWamBamBoom · 29/03/2021 14:27

I agree with you, if the friends /relatives want to write their own posts or contribute that's entirely up to them. To 'tag' them is crass and vulgar in my option. It shows complete lack of compassion and respect
Let people grieve in their own way

Thefaceofboe · 29/03/2021 14:27

Surely it depends on the family. If they’re also sharing posts and pictures, it encourages others to join in and do the same. If they are private about it, I doubt it would be all over social media to start with as the majority respect the parents wishes.

SpacePotato · 29/03/2021 14:27

YANBU. Appropriating a complete strangers grief to make yourself look good on social media is ridiculous.

Have empathy by all means but leave the fucking family alone.

stackemhigh · 29/03/2021 14:30

Sounds like grief-hijacking. Horrible.

AnnaBananaFoFana · 29/03/2021 14:33

If this is the little boy who sadly fell in the canal, it was quite a big story and was made very public. I think it’s one of those situations where because it’s been made very public people might feel rude not to comment. People are probably just trying to show their support and sympathies.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 14:35

This little boys family have Facebook, so when they login they'll see things about him everywhere, adding to their heartache

I can assure you that it won't add to their heartache, nothing could. It doesn't matter, its of no cosequence

Lbnc2021 · 29/03/2021 14:37

YANBU. Social media has turned people into vultures. They are falling over themselves to make gofundme pages so everyone can tell them how wonderful they are. Before Facebook there was a boy in our neighbourhood who sadly died of cancer. The family was quite a private family but friendly and pleasant. Someone in our street went round the doors to ask if anyone would like to donate a pound to send a bouquet of flowers to the family, the person was a family friend. Everyone donated and the florist donated the flowers and the friend just put the money in an envelope for the family. The boys mum put an ad in the local paper a few weeks later thanking everyone for their thoughts and kindness. She had her own friends and her own family to lean on, she didn’t need a bunch of hanger ons encroaching on her grief to make themselves look good.

FuckyouCovid21 · 29/03/2021 14:38

Grief vampires pure and simple

WhySoSensitive · 29/03/2021 14:39

I think it depends on the family.
Some families post there whole life/world into social media seemingly without restriction. I assume these people would have no object.

Others re very limited or only post specifics and would assume these people would prefer privacy or personal condolences.

It’s a sign of the times.

roguetomato · 29/03/2021 14:40

Agree with AnnaBanana. Besides, some people may find comfort in knowing others are thinking about them.

nancywhitehead · 29/03/2021 14:51

Surely this is something that really depends on the individual family and the situation surrounding the child's death.

If it was very public and in newspapers then people might feel invested and want to extend sympathy, and Facebook for better or worse is a way that people can easily do that, especially during Covid.

If the family have explicitly said that they don't want social media attention then that should be respected, but I can equally imagine some people valuing it and finding comfort in it.

The only way to know would be to ask the family themselves what they want and then respect their wishes. To be honest, it's totally irrelevant whether or not YOU think it's inappropriate.

Ninibest · 29/03/2021 14:51

Unfortunately now people have no sympathy of others feelings, I have been seeing people posting pictures of funeral and taking pictures in the cimetry, coffin, even they take picture of the dead one in the coffin. No respect at all for the family

littlepattilou · 29/03/2021 14:53

@fashionablydusty

I agree. A teenager tragically took his own life in my area recently and social media seems to be full of people posting memes/comments etc- all on the face of it supportive etc but it just seems rather shallow to me. Most of the comments could have been made about death and I doubt most of the posters had ever spoken to him. There's also a bit of an impromptu shrine in the local park with loads of teenage girls crying and taking selfies. I may be wrong and the family may be helped by this but if it was someone close to me I would hate it.
This. ^ One thing that properly boils my piss, is people flocking to funerals, and wailing and crying; and showing huge emotion, when they barely knew the person, and probably knew NOTHING about them, except their name!

And the crying emojis, (on facebook and twitter and instagram,) and posts like 'U shud not of bin taken so soon,' and 'U R wiv the angles now' make me cringe...

Another thing that makes me extremely angry is people coming to someone's funeral, and 'mourning' them, when they have had fuck all to do with them in the past 15-20 years or more.

Me and my DH have made a pact to tell hangers-on, and faux mourners, (who have not been arsed with us since 2003,) to FUCK OFF, if they even ATTEMPT to come to our funeral.

@Goodytoshoes YANBU at all!

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