To think that this is massively inappropriate

[Goodytoshoes]

A little boy tragically died in my community late last week.

Ever since his death people within the community (I highly doubt many of them knew the little boy) have been sharing pictures, news articles, general posts etc. about him, it's all over my news feed.

When the funeral director posted on Facebook about his death, a girl I am friends with on Facebook wrote underneath it, and tagged the mother and grandmother in the post saying "sorry for your loss".

I just think it's massively inappropriate to be sharing posts constantly and writing condolences on Facebook. Condolences are a very private thing, and should be kept as such. I've only ever written a condolence in private messenger if I have no other form of contact with the person who has lost someone, never would I dare put it on someone's Facebook wall, or any type of public post.

This little boys family have Facebook, so when they login they'll see things about him everywhere, adding to their heartache.

Am I just old fashioned, or is this inappropriate?

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Here in Ireland, where our death and dying culture is completely different, the local parish fb pages post the death notices and condolences would be conveyed as a regular comment....so sounds normal to me. Although a lot of the time you might not actually "know" the deceased, but you'd know "of" them, or of the family. You'd still pass on your sympathies for a loss regardless though.

Yeah, and actually I think this sort of approach reflects how it was done pre social media and also in a lot of places besides Ireland.

Funerals used to be much more open to the community as a whole and much less private than many think of them today.

I had a kind of distant cousin for many years, in my dad's generation, who went to pretty much every funeral around. It was partly to get free luncheons but also very much a weird hobby for him. I live in a small city but there were still few enough degrees of separation that there was almost always enough connection for him to justify attending, either with the deceased or a family members.

He was an extreme, but funeral and wake attendance were just much more widespread, as were sending condolences.

I have a friend who is very religious (not sure if that’s relevant) but seems to be the oracle of all local deaths and disasters. She posts every newspaper article she can find relating to someone’s demise and comment “Thinking of their family” or similar, when she doesn’t even know them or their family. I find it odd, but I do think she means well.

I hate this - as you say, condolences etc should be offered privately - perhaps a card through the door if you don't know the individual well, but want to sympathise.

This public "oh isn't it awful" always strikes me as an attempt to hi-jack someone else's grief - to be part of the drama. It's patronising virtue-signalling.

Agree with you op. I have seen people share photos of their sick relatives in their hospital beds. When my best friend was in a coma, her other friends were taking pictures of her and sharing on social media. Always makes me cringe when people write long posts about their late relatives. I think things like that should be kept private

Yes. I am a friend of someone who's daughter is currently in the spotlight as a baby going through chemotherapy for leukaemia. The people taking the situation and using it for competitive grief are really weird.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Here in Ireland, where our death and dying culture is completely different, the local parish fb pages post the death notices and condolences would be conveyed as a regular comment....so sounds normal to me. Although a lot of the time you might not actually "know" the deceased, but you'd know "of" them, or of the family. You'd still pass on your sympathies for a loss regardless though.

Interestingly I was going to say something similar. I'm also from Ireland (but live in England) and it's very normal in Irish culture to do whatever you can to let a family know you're thinking of them when someone dies, including posting things online, sending cards and flowers, going to their house (in normal times) and attending the funeral (in normal times) even if you're particularly close to the person or their family. When a co-worker of mine died years ago, I went to the funeral even though I'd only worked with her a few months, we sent flowers etc. The funeral was so big that there were at least 100 people standing outside 600-seater church.

English culture around death seems much more private and closed off. I don't like it tbh. What harm can come from saying 'I'm so sorry for your loss'? and making sure the family knows you're thinking of them? Is it better to just ignore it? Pretend it didn't happen? I admit things like gathering collections and doing gofundme things is weird though - that's taking it a step further.

sorry that should say even if you're not particularly close

Another who thinks 'it depends'

Sadly, I know two families who have recently lost young adults. Both said they took enormous comfort from the messages people posted on Facebook, and some of the memories and messages were just lovely to read.

OTOH, there was an incident a few months ago where 4 teens died when the car they were in hit a tree at high speed, and there were people who clearly didn't know them posting "What a pretty girl, such a shame" which did really make me grind my teeth as if there was somehow a correlation between how sad it was that a young life had been lost and how pretty she was. I do however, understand the sort of feeling of "this could happen to any of us that are parents of dc this age" and a sort of feeling of wanting to reach out to people and wrap them in a sort of virtual embrace.

I mean, I can't stand the "lets take flowers to place at the school / tree / park" when there has been a tragic event. I really HATE those sort of roadside shrines. But we are all different, and if that is the only way these people know how to show their grief, who am I to judge them ?

It's revolting grief tourism. People can get a little hit of it and go and have their tea. Lucky them.

While I completely agree from the position of the condolence giver and the bereaved, I do think that most will think it old fashioned. While I find it distasteful I know several families who have chosen to grieve this way and I guess if it brings some comfort then that’s a good thing although I personally distance myself from it.

@Troublewaters2021 the thing with footballers wee girl is theyre are raising funds for her treatment.....slightly different. People are trying to help

If the family is ok with it then I don’t see the problem. People grieve differently.

there was an incident a few months ago where 4 teens died when the car they were in hit a tree at high speed, and there were people who clearly didn't know them posting "What a pretty girl, such a shame" which did really make me grind my teeth as if there was somehow a correlation between how sad it was that a young life had been lost and how pretty she was.

This angers me, too - are only pretty/ intelligent/ talented people worthy of life?

Any life cut short is a tragedy, and breaks the family's heart, whether they are conventionally attractive or not.

It depends, due to the nature of my job, it's something I'm often dealing with and some family use Facebook a lot and upload condolences pages etc, other do not. For younger people social media is normal so they wouldn't think it was wrong

My cousin was killed a few years ago (it was in the papers & on the news so became a bit of a public interest story in my part of the world) Hundreds of people that none of us knew turned up to the funeral, meaning people had to be asked to leave the church so actual family could get in. His mother (my aunt) was massively upset to see selfies from the funeral popping up all over her social media - it just looked like people we’re having a good day out on one of the worst days of her life.
I’m sure people mean no harm but I find it very distasteful & I know his close family found it very upsetting.

It really depends. I had an old school friend who lost his baby at a few days old.
He posted several times about him with pictures. I replied with condolences to one of those pictures as this is literally the only contact I have with him.
He also asked people to post a picture of his baby at a certain time as he wanted to flood his Facebook feed with his baby.
It’s not how I would grieve but whatever gets you through really.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar is the death and dying culture is completely different here in Ireland? I've lived both here and the UK and it's the exact same in my experiences. The only difference is the removal which tends to be attended by a lot more people in order to pay their respects. But as for the death and dying culture? No different from what I've seen.

Grief vampires

My cousin took his life. His parents, in part, blame social media. They asked friends and family not to post on Social Media about him in identifying ways. People still did. Some people are too wrapped up in the likes. His girlfriend still can't work out why my family completely cut all contact with her after the funeral.

Funerals are just no place for a phone in anyway.

I find the principle of public condolences fine. Insisting only private implies some sort of shame or lack of dignity due to public expressions of emotion. I can't agree with that.

I think people are just showing their support and far from disrespecting the family, they are doing it out of respect for the family, to show their support.

You can agree or disagree about how they are expressing that, but that is their intention.

I don’t know. I mean, I wouldn’t do it - but some people live their whole lives through FB and the like, and are happy to have their loss acknowledged. People do find comfort in it.
So just because I think it’s not for me, and what I’d want, doesn’t make it wrong. Grief acknowledged is worse, surely?

I think there’s a distinction between sharing happy memories of someone who has died on FB with the family or acknowledging their loss in comments to the grieving family’s own posts, and just posting your own ‘shocked and saddened’ status as a grief vampire. It’s all in the intent and delivery really. Are you thinking about the family’s feelings, are they uppermost in your thoughts as you post? Or are you thinking about yourself?

Should say- Grief unacknowledged is worse, surely?

It isn't something I am comfortable with, and not something I take part in. I have made no public posts on a recent family loss, and nor will I. Nobody I know will either.

Horses for courses though, I guess. Some families don't seem to mind it (and I do know some), so whatever helps you the most, I suppose.

If someone does post that they have lost their relative then I will add a simple message of sympathy. I don't use it for any of my own family anouncements though. Not for me.

Not just you, seems to be the way of the world now! I think it's well meant but inappropriate, people seem to like to join in on an outpouring of grief over someone they don't know, particularly celebrities. I've always found it bizarre, for me, grief is a very private thing.