To think that this is massively inappropriate

[Goodytoshoes]

A little boy tragically died in my community late last week.

Ever since his death people within the community (I highly doubt many of them knew the little boy) have been sharing pictures, news articles, general posts etc. about him, it's all over my news feed.

When the funeral director posted on Facebook about his death, a girl I am friends with on Facebook wrote underneath it, and tagged the mother and grandmother in the post saying "sorry for your loss".

I just think it's massively inappropriate to be sharing posts constantly and writing condolences on Facebook. Condolences are a very private thing, and should be kept as such. I've only ever written a condolence in private messenger if I have no other form of contact with the person who has lost someone, never would I dare put it on someone's Facebook wall, or any type of public post.

This little boys family have Facebook, so when they login they'll see things about him everywhere, adding to their heartache.

Am I just old fashioned, or is this inappropriate?

the Funeral Director posted on FB!!! Is this a thing now , maybe at family's request?

They can't help it, its not their fault they are an 'empath'.

@whiskersonkittenss If you’re talking about baby Azaylia I find your comment in really poor taste considering that these ‘weird’ people have raised nearly £1.5 MILLION for your friend’s baby’s treatment. If she was my baby I would be on my knees with gratitude for every penny donated and every share on social media.

If you’re not talking about baby Azaylia I’ll just crawl back in my hole 😬

Some people will find it inappropriate, some won't. There are no rules or guidelines about emotional responses. Almost everything we all do would be looked on as inappropriate by somebody.

Humans will be humans.

@AnnaBananaFoFana

I am. I mean the people clinging to the family's grief who are using photos of her to get likes for themselves. Not donating or spreading awareness but using the situation to gain sympathy when they are in no way connected. Hope I've explained this well enough. I do not mean people sharing her story to help with fundraising.

I wouldn't do it myself but Im slightly confused at what the funeral director was posting about?! Sounds like she was commenting on an already existing post about the little boy.... if anyone is at fault, it is the funeral director. But presumably, the funeral director had permission from the family to post on Facebook (albeit odd), so the commenting girl presumably thought that the family were ok with this? If I saw a funeral director posting about it, I would assume they were doing so with the family's consent (and enabling comments?) All round a bit weird though

@LilMidge01

I thought the same. What kind of funeral director makes social media posts about the dead?

My brother passed away 18 months ago very suddenly and tragically. It was and still is very horrific and raw for us as a family and his friends. So many people used Facebook to send condolences and wrote some very lovely things and to be honest I found it very comforting to read all of the lovely messages that are still there. I still go on his page and read them and it’s so nice to see how much he was lovely and how much of impact he’d had on so many people.

@whiskersonkittenss I get what you’re saying but I suppose the massive success of the fundraiser is because people are doing this. Someone I have on Instagram posted about Azaylia on their Instagram stories. There wasn’t a link to the fundraiser it was more what you’re describing. That insta story made me google Azaylia. I found the link and donated. They can’t put out a huge public appeal for money and then label people as weird for giving it publicity. When you’re fundraising to save your baby’s life then all publicity is good publicity.

@AnnaBananaFoFana I understand and I get that. A few people do use others tragedies for their own gain. I even saw one girl say she wanted to get Azaylias photo tattooed on her. I think when you are not connected then things like that are very strange. She wasn't talking about a charity donation for it either. Just that she wanted to remember her. She's not even dead?

What kind of funeral director makes social media posts about the dead?

The kind who offer this to their clients and do so with their permission.

Every local paper I know has an obituaries section with comments for condolence. Before this, it wasn’t uncommon for books of condolence to be available for a week or so in churches which were given to relatives after the funeral. Not sure if they still do it.

Teenage girls wailing over the death of someone they didn’t know is not a new thing. It happened when a friend of mine committed suicide back in the 80s. Some kids like to draw attention to themselves. This is not news.

All that is happening now is, it is more visible to others and people are putting on their judgy pants in public about it, presumably to show how superior they are.

You were all, generally, ok with the outpouring of grief, millions of flowers and books of condolence for Diana though, yeah?

Re Diana, I wasn't. I found that quite weird and creepy, although many were perhaps expressing other losses through that rather manic outpouring.

@Omemiserum

the Funeral Director posted on FB!!! Is this a thing now , maybe at family's request?

Yes that does seem strange.

If people want to Express their condolences they can do that by private message/cars, can't they? No need to do it in public.

CarDs

I think writing condolences on a public post (like a news article or something) is OK but tagging the deceased’s relatives is vile. If they’re tagged they’re forced to see the comments, whereas they may not want to.

The Boy's Mother posted a picture of him and her heartbreak on FB on Mother's Day, were people supposed to add messages of support or ignore?

FB is an information sharing platform, so why people are shocked at a funeral director posting is puzzling. It's no more strange than an advert of death in a Newspaper, which is what an obituary is. People don't buy and read papers anymore.

"If they’re tagged they’re forced to see the comments, "

You can turn off tagging for people who aren't friends and deny permission for some friends.

'Grief vampires' is a good word for these people, who post only to get attention for themselves. I've seen this recently when a friend of mine died suddenly. It did feel as though people who were genuinely grieving were lost in the clamour.

I don’t know I don’t have fb. But it’s a different world out there. Some people take a lot of comfort from messages of support from fb. Such a heartbreaking shame though. Poor family x

English culture around death seems much more private and closed off. I don't like it tbh. What harm can come from saying 'I'm so sorry for your loss'? and making sure the family knows you're thinking of them? Is it better to just ignore it? Pretend it didn't happen?

I agree. I'm in NZ and it's quite common here to leave a message of condolence on fb. I can't see what harm it does to show you are thinking about the family, particularly in such a tragic loss. I would only send a private message if it was someone I knew well and wanted to say more than I would put in a public post - why would you bother someone you didn't know with private messages?

@whiskersonkittenss God.. that is weird. That would creep me out.

When my father passed suddenly two years ago, I actually took great comfort in the public posts. People created their own status posts, directly posted on his wall or tagged along to other posts...
Condolences were usually accompanied by a memory or story and God some days it was just what I needed!

i did that and got called a cretin

My step dad died a couple of years ago and so many people were putting stuff on Facebook, it was awful to see! People he hadn’t spoke to in years or he would never have considered a friend were putting messages to him and our family, I just wanted to aimlessly scroll through as a distraction, not see how Barbara from the post office was devastated about him passing.

I’ve got a relative that seems excited by people dying. She spends all day everyday on Facebook, I know where she is at all times as a result. At least once a week her “bestie in the hole in tire world has been taken away”, I’ve seen people comment several times asking her to remove it until all family members have been told. She seems to be in some sort of race to put it on Facebook first.

When my mother died late at night I thought I would phone my adult son the next morning to let him know. I didn’t know my niece posted on Facebook about my mother’s death the night she died. My daughter’s friend (they are all on each other’s FB pages) posted and tagged my family her condolences. My son woke up the next to see on FB his grandmother had died. He wasn’t very happy about it and deleted FB.

It’s a lot different to write something nice on a Facebook page the family have set up.

It’s the rush some people have to be first to spread news. Common sense would be a good thing.