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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seeing the way DH is with our baby is making me resent him

97 replies

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 20:15

Just need a rant.

I find the way DH is with our baby utterly pathetic. He just makes no effort whatsoever and just moans about how he can't wait for the baby stage to be over.

I could understand if he actually did barely anything with DS but he doesn't. I do every single night time, and all day whilst he's at work. I feel like I can't even leave him with DH for 20 minutes when he gets home without him fucking whining.

DS is a bit of a crier at the moment. But he does settle if you spend time trying to soothe him. DH just literally stares at him and moans that he won't stop but makes zero effort to do anything about it so I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over.

I've honestly never been less attracted to him as I am right now when I see how frankly shit he is with his own son.

I know I sound horrible but honestly he can't even last 10 minutes with him crying without getting arsey.

DS is a lovely baby, he's smiley and happy and just needs attention sometimes. I can see already that he's starting to dislike being left with his Dad and it makes me so sad.

OP posts:

CloudFormations · 28/03/2021 20:17

I would find that pretty pathetic too - I don’t blame you for feeling resentful

emilyfrost · 28/03/2021 20:20

It would make me think less of him too.

Did he want the baby? How was he before the baby? How old is the baby?

VettiyaIruken · 28/03/2021 20:20

You need to tell him how you feel.

Original poster

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 20:21

It's like it's a surprise to him that sometimes babies cry.

If DS is in a good mood then DH is quite interactive with him but he just cannot deal with him (or makes any effort to even try) when he is upset.

This weekend he was out yesterday doing something for himself and today I've been at my mum's house pretty much all day with DS.

He's had basically all weekend doing his own thing and honestly his face was like a slapped arse because DS was crying on him for 10 minutes when I got home.

OP posts:

Original poster

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 20:25

@emilyfrost

It would make me think less of him too.

Did he want the baby? How was he before the baby? How old is the baby?

As far as I know he did yes, we tried for a long time for DS and he never once gave me the impression he didn't want to.

He was grumpy sometimes before the baby, we've had words before about it but he was a lot better.

DS is 2 months.

OP posts:

Wallabing · 28/03/2021 20:26

My husband was like this at first too. I was frank and I told him to sort his shit out. He did. Complete 180 and it was almost an instant change.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Stillfunny · 28/03/2021 20:27

What a wimp. Selfish too. Tell him that it is unhealthy for his relationship with his own child. And perhaps show him a few ways to settle baby - some men literally have not got a clue and it doesn't seem to come as instinctively as it does to us.

Lumene · 28/03/2021 20:29

Does he have him on his own at all?

Could there be anything around feeling unsure how to tackle things, or how babies work?

Leaving them to bond and work things out for themselves when baby can’t just go back to you - even just if you go out for a half hour walk - could jumpstart their relationship a bit.

birdglasspen · 28/03/2021 20:37

Maybe try reassuring him that HE can comfort baby, baby NEEDS dad too, he can find his OWN way to comfort baby. etc etc. I can see why it annoys you. He may be very unsure and isn't use to babies, he does need to learn though!

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 28/03/2021 20:39

2 months?! He's still so tiny, of course he's going to cry. DP was a bit like this to begin with (after the first few weeks when youre out of the newborn bubble and knackered) but he's never really been around babies so I think it was just a shock to him, we had words and he soon changed. Maybe just try tell him how you feel? What would happen if you went out and left DS with him? It's not fair that he picks and chooses what parts of parenting he does and when he decides to look after his son. Why should you pick everything up and he only deals with him when he's in a good mood?

smellyolddog · 28/03/2021 20:40

Share this post with him, this erodes marriages faster than anything else, and women are ultimately attracted to men who are capable fathers.

JamesAnderson · 28/03/2021 20:42

There are some nasty comments on here.

Some food for thought

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/03/2021 20:43

I would start going out alone and just leaving him to cope, to be honest.

Nobody likes being around a crying baby but that's what you sign up for when you choose to become a parent. He needs to suck it up.

Tinydinosaur · 28/03/2021 20:44

Could he be suffering with postnatal depression? Men get it too, it sounds like he's struggling more than just being lazy.

catherineofarrogance80 · 28/03/2021 20:45

This is not unusual from my personal and professional capacity. I'm not being sexist in any way but mums are more in tune with their babies and men can really try and take the easy way out of learning how to soothe them. You can't allow this and they have to get on with it unless you are worried in anyway he will lose his temper and could harm him. Men are generally much more confident with older babies/toddlers who can make their needs known as again not generalising but men often find it hard to work out unspoken cues

funnylittlefloozie · 28/03/2021 20:53

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Mt exH was useless with our DD when she was born. It wasn't because he had male PND, it was because he was a lazy self-obsessed arsehole who didn't like the fact that all my attention went on this tiny person who couldn't fend for herself, and so he couldn't be the centre of the universe anymore.

Hes a pathetic specimen, OP, and if you want to save your relationship, then i think you need to have a real come-to- Jesus talk with him.

Periwinkletoes · 28/03/2021 20:57

My sister was a bit freaked out when she was first around DS1 and he started crying. When an adult cries it means something dreadful has happened but it's a baby's only way of communicating. When I explained that crying is nothing to be worried about, DS could be saying 'I'm a bit warm' or 'I'm a bit bored' she felt more relaxed about handling him. Perhaps your DH is masking his worry about dealing with his son by passing all the responsibility on to you but he will only find his way of parenting his son by getting stuck in and getting the experience.

AcornAutumn · 28/03/2021 20:58

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I would start going out alone and just leaving him to cope, to be honest.

Nobody likes being around a crying baby but that's what you sign up for when you choose to become a parent. He needs to suck it up.

This.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/03/2021 20:58

He is a dickhead.
He is missing out wishing this special time away.
NAMALT but many men aren't interested in the DC once they see the DC's needs come before them they want a peaceful life. He is pathetic. 🙄

AcornAutumn · 28/03/2021 20:58

@funnylittlefloozie

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Hes a pathetic specimen, OP, and if you want to save your relationship, then i think you need to have a real come-to- Jesus talk with him.

Don't get me started...

chipsandgin · 28/03/2021 21:03

Is he like that with you too? As in if you are happy he’s happy but he has no empathy or makes no effort if you are tired or sad or upset?

He just sounds self-centred tbh, it seems to come as a shock to some people that the world no longer revolves around them & that they may have to put their own needs second when they become parents. It is early days, nipping it in the bud would be a good idea IMO.

Not sure what the answer is sadly, but if this is new behaviour, or even if it isn’t, it has to be addressed now...it’s a long road ahead & it’ll be far harder for everyone involved if he doesn’t step up & start parenting. If it turns out he’s a useless man child & a shit Dad then you really need to think seriously about whether you want him along for the ride or not..(& it doesn’t get any easier, every stage of childhood has its challenges & if he’s only willing to engage & be involved when it’s all fun and smiles that won’t work at all!).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/03/2021 21:03

Sounds incredibly unattainable and as though he is extremely selfish. You have to put yourself out to look after a baby, as pps have said.

I also agree, male PND my arse. Men aren’t post natal so can’t have PND - they might get dressed following the birth of a baby, but in the majority of cases like this they are just being a dick.

rainbowfairydust · 28/03/2021 21:04

Can he perhaps try some earplugs whilst rocking/pacing with him, listening to music or something via earphones whilst baby is crying. If he can get the hang of settling the baby then he will feel more confident, the baby stage can be relentless when they cry, us Mums tend to have more of the hormones to help us cope and bond so I wonder if technically it is a bit different for some men to be OK with the fussing and crying.

I totally get why you feel resentful though, it's the biggest turn off to see the Dad of your child not show love and responsibility how we expect them to

GabsAlot · 28/03/2021 21:05

ffs tell him to grow up hes a parent aswell does he think you know what to do noone has an instrusction manual ffs

Ohpulltheotherone · 28/03/2021 21:06

Oh OP you need to nip this in the bud now because there’s nothing more effective at killing off relationships than resentment.

Is there any way you can talk to him in a calm and neutral way... “I know you find it hard but I need help, I need you to be able to cope a bit more because I can’t do all of the parenting”...

Is there any chance he is going to listen to you? Understand or agree or admit that he’s a bit shit? Or will he be defensive and rude and gaslight you back?

It really depends if you think he will listen and be willing to do better?

I personally couldn’t stay with someone like this, if they made no attempt to get better at it. Not everyone is an automatic parent, some of us are absolute rubbish at first - but a willingness to learn and to shoulder your fair share of hard work is essential.

If all else fails it’s ultimatum time. Shape up or ship out.

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