Page 3 | Seeing the way DH is with our baby is making me resent him

HattyYatty · 2021-03-28T19:15:24+00:00

Just need a rant. I find the way DH is with our baby utterly pathetic. He just makes no effort whatsoever and just moans about how he can't wait for the baby stage to be over. I could understand if he actually did barely anything with DS but he doesn't. I do every single night time, and all day whilst he's at work. I feel like I can't even leave him with DH for 20 minutes when he gets home without him fucking whining. DS is a bit of a crier at the moment. But he does settle if you spend time trying to soothe him. DH just literally stares at him and moans that he won't stop but makes zero effort to do anything about it so I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over. I've honestly never been less attracted to him as I am right now when I see how frankly shit he is with his own son. I know I sound horrible but honestly he can't even last 10 minutes with him crying without getting arsey. DS is a lovely baby, he's smiley and happy and just needs attention sometimes. I can see already that he's starting to dislike being left with his Dad and it makes me so sad.

Ericaequites · 28/03/2021 21:45

Unless he has much younger siblings, your husband probably has very little experience with tiny babies. If he has to get up early, broken nights are hard. It’s normal for him to feel daunted and overwhelmed. Help him learn to calm and care for the baby, and start going out for longer periods of time at weekends. During the week, set aside an hour when the baby is his full responsibility. Give him the chance to learn skills before deciding he is a bad Dad.

Original poster

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 21:48

Thanks everyone.

So we've just had a talk about it.

He actually came downstairs and said 'I know I'm shit at this'. And it opened it up for a conversation.

He said heels like baby only wants me, he sees how quickly he settles with me and it's obviously because we have more of a bond. I've told him that baby absolutely doesn't settle quickly for me all the time, we have lots of episodes when DH is at work where I'm at a loss as well as to what to do or why he's upset! I've just found some techniques that work better than others so we discussed those.

He said he's finding it hard not having much time together now too.

Anyway, long story short I said I need to be able to leave them together sometimes and know that he'll be okay and if he's concerned that baby will only ever want me then it's important that they do spend time together so they can grow their own bond separately from me and where he won't just get moody as soon as baby starts crying. He agreed. Has ran me a bath and I can now hear him downstairs doing what I showed him to try and settle DS and it sounds like it's working

OP posts:

Bramblecrumble · 28/03/2021 21:49

Some of these comments are so nasty. Yes, men get post-natal depression because it's a massive life change and there expected to be fine. Why, would you want something horrible like depression to be something only women can have. It's good to have a rant and get it off your chest.

Original poster

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 21:50

When your baby gets upset do not give in to this urge I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over you do not have to take over, you can leave your baby in his Dad's arms and tell him to try X, Y or Z to settle him. He needs to learn to do it. Stop rescuing him

I know it sounds daft but when I do this it's not DH that I feel I'm rescuing. I don't like just listening to DS crying knowing he's not doing anything with him and leaving him to it.

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/03/2021 21:51

It sounds like he liked the idea of having a baby rather than the reality. Go back to basics with dh: give him a baby book.

Bramblecrumble · 28/03/2021 21:51

That's a sweet and lovely update hattyyatty. 2 months is a tough, sleep deprived age for parents.

Milkshake7489 · 28/03/2021 21:53

Oh and for the people saying he may not know what to do, presumably OP doesn't have magical powers that allow her to know what her baby needs either (I know I didn't know everything when my baby was born, neither did DH. We learned together).

Stop making excuses for men to opt out of parenting. He can use Google or ring a friend/family member for advice on anything he's not sure of just as easily as OP.

Depression is real for both men and women and if this turns out to be the case for OP's husband, I hope he gets the help he needs. But if he's not depressed, he's just being a shit dad.... which isn't what any new mum needs to be dealing with.

Milkshake7489 · 28/03/2021 21:55

Sorry OP, cross post. I'm glad your dh is taking responsibility and that you're moving towards improving the situation.

diddl · 28/03/2021 21:57

@HattyYatty

When your baby gets upset do not give in to this urge I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over you do not have to take over, you can leave your baby in his Dad's arms and tell him to try X, Y or Z to settle him. He needs to learn to do it. Stop rescuing him

I know it sounds daft but when I do this it's not DH that I feel I'm rescuing. I don't like just listening to DS crying knowing he's not doing anything with him and leaving him to it.

If you do take over-at least get your husband to take over what you were doing!

It's difficult for mothers as well & I wonder if some men really appreciate that.

There's maybe a different bond through having been pregnant & given birth, & of course if you breast feed-although that needs learning!

But really, we're just as in the dark a lot of the time-but if you're on your own in the day-you have to make it work as there's no one to hand baby over to!

Snowpaw · 28/03/2021 21:58

I would find that really hard too. And if he gets arsey with baby behaviour he’s going to have a big shock when the toddler tantrums start.

My DP was not, perhaps, “a natural” when it came to caring for a newborn but he certainly found his way to help. We realised my daughter was really soothed by being taken out in the pram when she was unsettled so he would often take her out for a walk for an hour to give me a break. I loved him for doing that. I could tell he wasn’t all that confident dealing with her in other ways, but he wasn’t afraid of hard work and would often get home from work of an evening, put on a coat and gloves (on dark winter nights!) and go for a long pram walk. Your dp needs to find his role and his own way to help.

DeadGood · 28/03/2021 21:59

@HattyYatty

When your baby gets upset do not give in to this urge I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over you do not have to take over, you can leave your baby in his Dad's arms and tell him to try X, Y or Z to settle him. He needs to learn to do it. Stop rescuing him

I know it sounds daft but when I do this it's not DH that I feel I'm rescuing. I don't like just listening to DS crying knowing he's not doing anything with him and leaving him to it.

Of course it doesn’t sound daft. That’s what’s so frustrating about shit fathers - so often the “solutions” end up with the baby suffering.

Tinydinosaur · 28/03/2021 22:00

@funnylittlefloozie

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Mt exH was useless with our DD when she was born. It wasn't because he had male PND, it was because he was a lazy self-obsessed arsehole who didn't like the fact that all my attention went on this tiny person who couldn't fend for herself, and so he couldn't be the centre of the universe anymore.

Hes a pathetic specimen, OP, and if you want to save your relationship, then i think you need to have a real come-to- Jesus talk with him.

Jesus. No wonder suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 with attitudes like this. You don't have have give birth to get depression.

WombatChocolate · 28/03/2021 22:01

HattyYatty, yes that’s a lovely update.

Too many people are quick to write men off for finding something hard. Lots of men find the transition to being a Dad and the new life hard. Lots of women do too. Honestly I wanted to run away and I had phases where I wished I hadn’t had a baby. Fortunately no-one to,d me I was useless or that my expectations had been totally wrong and I had to pull myself together or DH a would leave me.

Talking things through together nearly always works better than going in for a fight with lots of accusations.

It’s hard for all new parents. Some find it a bigger shock than others. It’s great he admitted how he felt and you could say it isn’t always easy for you too. It’s great that he can see he needs to spend time with the baby to get the hang of things and build a bond.

Now you just need to make sure it starts happening and that time is put in. At some point you will need to start going out so he has to do it alone, but you can gauge when that is. Make sure he gets time every day. Can he do the bedtime bath routine and can he be the one to take him out for a walk in the pram at the weekend?

Newborn is so hard. You are both exhausted so keep being kind to each other. Little treats together count for a lot. It will get easier...honestly it will. My Dad said the first 6 weeks of my life were the worst 6 weeks of his life...I always remembered that....and you’ve gone past that phase already. It will get better for you both and he will build a lovely bond with his son which will make you so proud.

NichyNoo · 28/03/2021 22:03

My DP wasn’t a natural and when our DS was born it was soooo tough. But I insisted that he took his turn pacing our small flat with DS in the Babybjorn and he would talk to him, hold his hand and after an hour or so DS would cry himself out and sleep. Breaking that barrier a few times gave him the realisation that I didn’t have all the answers and that it’s all about perseverance and not giving in by handing him to me. It was tough but necessary as he needed to experience the lows to fully appreciate the highs.

diddl · 28/03/2021 22:04

Just a heads up, Op-mine are in their 20s & I never lost the feeling that I was "winging it"

Cherrysoup · 28/03/2021 22:18

Excellent update! Please try to make him carry on, he sounds like he might be great now you’ve given him ideas. I mean, I don’t think you should have to, given you have had to learn by trial and error., but he seems to be clueless and needs to learn.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 28/03/2021 22:22

No, you don't have to give birth to get depression, and there are lots of potential reasons, but men do not get post-natal depression because they have not experienced a natal period to be 'post'. There is no post-partum hormonal factor. Just a rude awakening. I'm sure it's hard for lots of men, I'm sure their depression is real. I just find terming it post-natal depression ridiculous when there was no natal period. Even the link from the NCT shared up thread says "cause and effect is unclear", so it's a bit disingenuous. Major life upheaval of any kind can trigger depression. This implies that there is an equal biological trauma which is clearly bullshit.

skodadoda · 28/03/2021 22:35

@Cherrysoup

Excellent update! Please try to make him carry on, he sounds like he might be great now you’ve given him ideas. I mean, I don’t think you should have to, given you have had to learn by trial and error., but he seems to be clueless and needs to learn.

Another positive thing DH could do sometimes is take baby out in he pram to settle him.

georgarina · 28/03/2021 22:36

@Bramblecrumble

Some of these comments are so nasty. Yes, men get post-natal depression because it's a massive life change and there expected to be fine. Why, would you want something horrible like depression to be something only women can have. It's good to have a rant and get it off your chest.

I'm sure they can get depression with the major life change but isn't postnatal depression primarily a hormonal reaction? They couldn't be experiencing that

Stonecrop · 28/03/2021 22:53

Now the evenings are lighter can you encourage him to take your out for a walk?

VestaTilley · 28/03/2021 23:08

Tell him how you feel, but if he doesn’t change you’ll need to think long and hard about your future.

If you stay with him you’ll resent him being like this. And your poor DS will pick up on it, then he won’t want to be with him which will create a vicious cycle.

Your poor DS deserves a father who loves him and will be attentive. If your DP isn’t going to do that your DS may be better off being raised just with you.

FunTimes2020 · 28/03/2021 23:13

@funnylittlefloozie

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Mt exH was useless with our DD when she was born. It wasn't because he had male PND, it was because he was a lazy self-obsessed arsehole who didn't like the fact that all my attention went on this tiny person who couldn't fend for herself, and so he couldn't be the centre of the universe anymore.

Hes a pathetic specimen, OP, and if you want to save your relationship, then i think you need to have a real come-to- Jesus talk with him.

Agreed! Men having PND, what a load of bollocks. More like having the hump coz they are no longer number one

HosannainExcelSheets · 28/03/2021 23:16

Hmm. Well, I'm a mother of 3 DC and I hated the baby phase. I went back to work as soon as I could. I'd have handed my babies off to anyone, any time when they were tiny. Some people, even people who love children like me, just don't like babies. Even their own babies.

So by all means tell him what support you need, and you should expect that support from him. But you can't make him like this part of parenting. So you need to support him through that too.

Lullaby88 · 28/03/2021 23:28

Is it ur first baby? Maybe he needs time to adjust to being a Dad. He may need more confidence that he can settle the baby.
My husband also doesnt like the baby stage. It is very maternal pre 7 monthish..
He will learn to adapt hopefully, have an honest chat. Id tell my husband in exhausted and I need a break so he would have to take over. Id go for a drive or just do something to feel like myself. U cant take on ur husbands emotions. If he struggles in that time u take u may just hav to brush it under the carpet to keep urself sane.

Ringshanks · 28/03/2021 23:29

When my wife had our first baby I felt a bit useless at caring for him compared to her. She just seemed to have everything he wanted . However , after I went back to work (2 weeks) we got into a pattern of me texting to say I was nearly home and being presented with baby ds1 on the doorstep to take for a long walk in the sling . It was great , the two of us together on our own for an hour and a half every night helped us bond and gave my wife a regular , predictable break that she could bathe / nap/ just have some space! My confidence grew loads so I felt I could pack some expressed milk and look after baby on my own for longer at weekends to the park , car boot sales and then baby classes . Can you help your husband find ‘his thing’ that he can do for your son ? Take him for Walks ? Bath time? Story time? It’s all about feeling confident and needed .