Seeing the way DH is with our baby is making me resent him

[HattyYatty]

Just need a rant.

I find the way DH is with our baby utterly pathetic. He just makes no effort whatsoever and just moans about how he can't wait for the baby stage to be over.

I could understand if he actually did barely anything with DS but he doesn't. I do every single night time, and all day whilst he's at work. I feel like I can't even leave him with DH for 20 minutes when he gets home without him fucking whining.

DS is a bit of a crier at the moment. But he does settle if you spend time trying to soothe him. DH just literally stares at him and moans that he won't stop but makes zero effort to do anything about it so I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over.

I've honestly never been less attracted to him as I am right now when I see how frankly shit he is with his own son.

I know I sound horrible but honestly he can't even last 10 minutes with him crying without getting arsey.

DS is a lovely baby, he's smiley and happy and just needs attention sometimes. I can see already that he's starting to dislike being left with his Dad and it makes me so sad.

Could he have depression? It’s happens to men too when they become a new parent.

I'm so glad you've spoken, communicating really is hard in those first few weeks. Hope things are on the up x

It sounds like he's trying after that conversation OP, that's great news. It's hard in the first weeks for everyone so I'm glad he ran you a bath and is looking after the baby x

Mine was shell-shocked on our first. The demands and routine for a newborn take over everything else.
We'd a few issues looking back, it was a stressful time- he realised life was never going to be the same, he was great as she grew and ready hands on for number two.
I'm glad you had a chat his confidence will grow.
Congratulations too.

If you can, find something he does well with the baby and tell him. When you are sleep deprived its easy to get in a depressive rut and think you are hopeless at things, when actually you are fine. Ask him if he will do the same for you. It will build a positive relationship dynamic

This honestly could have been my DH. He really struggled when DS was born up until he was about 4 months. He had never been around a baby before and had no natural instincts regarding interaction. He literally needed to be shown exactly how to act around DS and how to entertain him.
DH has quite severe depression, which didn't help matters. Could this be a possibility with your DP?

One day, it all seemed to just click with DH. He was watching him for 10 minutes while I had a shower and I came in and he was making DS giggle. Since then, he's constantly chatting away to DS and just raving about him to his family and friends. He still struggles sometimes if DS is crying loads, but frankly, so do I.

Adapting to parenthood can be really difficult for some men, just like it is for some women. Talk to him about it for sure (being constantly mardy is unacceptable and it's so hard living with a partner who appears to hate being a dad), but give him time to adjust.

@TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom

No, you don't have to give birth to get depression, and there are lots of potential reasons, but men do not get post-natal depression because they have not experienced a natal period to be 'post'. There is no post-partum hormonal factor. Just a rude awakening. I'm sure it's hard for lots of men, I'm sure their depression is real. I just find terming it post-natal depression ridiculous when there was no natal period. Even the link from the NCT shared up thread says "cause and effect is unclear", so it's a bit disingenuous. Major life upheaval of any kind can trigger depression. This implies that there is an equal biological trauma which is clearly bullshit.

Well said

Almost like he did not know to expect a baby to cry sometimes. Rather pathetic and I can see why you are annoyed. I would be telling him to get used to it crying and dirty nappies need to be shared. His baby too.

Remind him the baby is helpless and fully dependent it is his job to ensure every need is met with love and care they're so vulnerable.
Once he gets that he can't do wrong with good intentions but baby needs come first he is not crying to cause your OH distress.

Time will tell if he is just clueless or just lazy.

Out of interest, do you get witching hour.... I had it with both mine, between 5-7pm for the first 3 or 4 months..... I used to clockwatch DH coming home and happily pass the baby over whilst I done dinner.

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Agree. PND in women is an accumulation of physical, hormonal and emotional factors. Most dads go through a tiny fraction of the emotional stress of parenting a new born. Yes they may now feel more 'responsible' or something, but FGS they haven't gestated, birthed, fed from their body or done the lion's share of the care in most cases so why the fuck it gets called PND instead of "being a bit tired and stressed from being slightly disturbed while their wife tends to the baby in the night" is beyond me.

Fucking pathetic.

He needs to stop being a whiny manchild and start being a proper bloody parent, which isn't just the Disney bits, but the shitty bits too.

My situation is different, but has significant similarities so I totally get how you feel. We have a couple of young kids, who I'd say are relatively well behaved for their ages, but are toddlers/pre-schoolers nonetheless. My spouse just massively struggles to cope with normal behaviour from them. If my spouse is in charge of the kids while I'm doing something else, then I'll start hearing frustrated/grumpy tones of voice within minutes, yelling at them within an hour or less, and completely-lost-it screaming at them is an all-too-common occurrence. I can't do all the taking care of them myself, and I'm building up a lot of resentment.

Your dh doesn't sound like some of the posters on heres useless partners. Instead he sounds out of his depth and has been adult enough to talk to you about it. My dh was absolutely fine with our firstborn. When ds came along he was doing a lot of the caring for dd when he got home and I would look after ds who was a newborn, he felt very out of his depth with ds and struggled to soothe him. He found it very difficult as he could do this easily with dd. I explained that he just hadn't had much time one on one with ds as I had a section and couldn't lift dd in the early weeks so dh did a lot like putting her to bed and bathing her. As I got more mobile I took over with dd to give him more time with ds. He found his stride. It was difficult for me in the beginning because I knew I could soothe ds much more quickly but dh needed to build up his confieldence so I backed off and left them to it. Dh found his own way with ds not necessarily using the same techniques I did but what worked for him. He had to get used to taking care of ds as he is his parent too.

My best advice is to show him what works for you when you are soothing your ds and then leave him to it, don't stay in the same room hovering. Take the opportunity to do something else. As long as you don't try to micromanage him your dh will find his way and there is absolutely no reason his bond with his ds won't be as strong as yours. The biggest positive is that the two of you are communicating, there is never a point in quietly seething or being passive aggressive as that leads to resentment which will doom your relationship. Best of luck, sounds like you are both getting there x

When my daughter was born I was totaly surprised by the amount of new mums I met who's partners seemed to think they could just not do the hard bits of parenting but I was also totaly shocked by the amount of women who would slag their partners for what the dressed the baby or made listed they had to follow etc. You are a team so you both have to trust each other and work together My husband cried his eyes out the first night we got home cos she screamed for 7hours I'd had 2 nights at hopsital with it but he hadnt I remember him saying I cant do it and I said neither can I and we had a big cry and a cuddle. He never left me too deal with it in fact he used to take over when he came home from work we struggled majorly in the first 5 years she didnt sleep 1 night till she started school and things were so hard but he was is her dad so her had to deal with it you need to say to him that he is his dad it not a choice and the baby boys hard but the rest of it is harder wait till they can argue. I keep saying need but he does need to I hate the fact it's like you gave birth it's your problem its not and you are only 8weeks in nip in now before it gets tougher x

I don’t agree with the posters saying just go out and leave him to it. That’s how babies end up getting shaken to death because the parent can’t cope.

I also don’t agree that he’s pathetic or a wimp. He doesn’t know what he’s doing for whatever reason. You need to help him learn and grow confidence that he can soothe the baby. You don’t just automatically know how when you have a kid. There’s no magical switch that makes you suddenly become the baby whisperer.

You need to tell him how you feel.

Tell him he needs to interact more with dd when he's upset and work out his best way to comfort him, or if he wants you will help guide him.

He cant just pass ds to you when he gets upset.

Just read your update that's so good. We really missed each other at the start too mybuusband hated if he woke to find me also in the other room. Hell get there I think men do struggle at the start with the fact the baby soothes with tints mum espcially if breast feeding they feel a bit left on. Sounds like hes aware and hell get there wait till hes 7 and they are laughing togther it's quite honestly my favourite thing to hear them laughing they are best friends now and it's me that feels.left out 🤣

My DD was EBF and would only ever cry briefly and then be comforted by going on the breast. I have to admit that the handful of times (and it really was rare) that boob didn't fix things that I found it quite intimidating and overwhelming as did DH.

If you are best at settling your baby get your DH to do more hands off stuff until later. But, you do need to have a word about his days out to himself this early on, anything like that should be mutually agreed, with the expectation from him that he doesn't go, not the other way round.

Haha mumsnet bingo- hes depressed! Well I'm depressed reading about it !
I'm a mum and I struggled myself with the baby stage but unfortunately for me I couldn't hand him over to someone else after 10 mins and buggar off doing my own thing all weekend.
Ex dp was exactly how you describe ( but he was a dreadful man anyway) , ds is 7 now and his dad is brilliant for 24 hours a week . Most of the time hes fobbed off on grandma
But I digress , a lot of people struggle with tiny babies but what I've taken away from the post is how your husband feels he is entitled to all the free time and you are nust supposed to put up with this .

I’m glad your update was positive op. Remember to keep communicating during these testing times. It’s hard for you both, but don’t let the resentment build up, if you feel like he’s not pulling his weight tell him, don’t just sit and stew.

You’re a team and you both need to have each other’s back, the thinking they men are “pathetic” when they struggle can be extremely toxic. You know your partner and if he’s a lazy shit generally that doesn’t pull his weight then that’s one thing but he’s acknowledged he feels out of his depth and useless, work together and come out stronger.

Also just some resources for the ignorant posters that think men couldn’t possibly get pnd.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

postpartum.org/services/dads/signs-of-ppd-anxiety-in-men/

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

It is a bit pathetic but 2m is quite a hard age, it's when reality kicks in and a lot of babies cry quite a bit and you can feel quite like you are doing a crap job. I remember feeling like my babies didnt like me at all at that age and it made me feel a bit despondent & useless, I think things get a bit easier from 3 or 4m and you bond more.

OP does baby smile a bit now? My DH got much better with our two when they started smiling at him.

@TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom

No, you don't have to give birth to get depression, and there are lots of potential reasons, but men do not get post-natal depression because they have not experienced a natal period to be 'post'. There is no post-partum hormonal factor. Just a rude awakening. I'm sure it's hard for lots of men, I'm sure their depression is real. I just find terming it post-natal depression ridiculous when there was no natal period. Even the link from the NCT shared up thread says "cause and effect is unclear", so it's a bit disingenuous. Major life upheaval of any kind can trigger depression. This implies that there is an equal biological trauma which is clearly bullshit.

This. Post-natal depression is something very specific. A man whose partner has given birth may experience depression, as it is a major life change. He is NOT experiencing post-natal depression.