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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seeing the way DH is with our baby is making me resent him

97 replies

HattyYatty · 28/03/2021 20:15

Just need a rant.

I find the way DH is with our baby utterly pathetic. He just makes no effort whatsoever and just moans about how he can't wait for the baby stage to be over.

I could understand if he actually did barely anything with DS but he doesn't. I do every single night time, and all day whilst he's at work. I feel like I can't even leave him with DH for 20 minutes when he gets home without him fucking whining.

DS is a bit of a crier at the moment. But he does settle if you spend time trying to soothe him. DH just literally stares at him and moans that he won't stop but makes zero effort to do anything about it so I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over.

I've honestly never been less attracted to him as I am right now when I see how frankly shit he is with his own son.

I know I sound horrible but honestly he can't even last 10 minutes with him crying without getting arsey.

DS is a lovely baby, he's smiley and happy and just needs attention sometimes. I can see already that he's starting to dislike being left with his Dad and it makes me so sad.

OP posts:

SchmooobyDoo · 28/03/2021 21:06

The crying in the first few months is really intense. Having a baby is huge adjustment for any couple. It’s overwhelming for you, having to do almost everything for the baby at this stage. Talk to your DH, he’s probably just unsure what to do, but his complaining isn’t helping...

JamesAnderson · 28/03/2021 21:10

Ok, ignore the post natal bit, could he be depressed?
I assume you lot are ok with men being depressed?
Surely you'd want support if you were so why not support your partner

Lemmeout · 28/03/2021 21:12

Yabu a bit.
You need a chat
Does he really feel that his son just a drag
Or does your dh feel utterly helpless.
Ask him.
Sometimes Dad feels useless because baby cries anyway.
Don’t be so quick to assume the worse and give up.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/03/2021 21:13

The first few months crying is mega intense. You need to speak to him about this. Now. It’s will just fester otherwise. Is it that he doesn’t know what to do with DS? Try not confrontational language with him ‘god DS cries like that with me too. When he does it I try to...’ ‘do you think you should try...’ etc.

Schedule in time where he is SOLEY responsible for baby. Rather than him just thinking he doesn’t need to figure the crying out because you will swoop in and sort it. You could go for a walk on your own. Bath with ear plugs in. Bed. Etc. He may be being lazy to sort because he doesn’t see the point because you are there and you need to teach him otherwise.

Miasicarisatia · 28/03/2021 21:13

Oh that old trick feigning incompetence so as not to make a rod for your own back

Superfoodie123 · 28/03/2021 21:14

My husband was slightly like this when our baby was born and I didn't like it one bit. So I started pumping milk and going out every Saturday morning for 3 hours to have coffee with friends. He soon got used to it and figured out his own ways to soothe the baby.

imalmostthere · 28/03/2021 21:17

Maybe he is struggling?? It's not just mums who struggle with newborns.
Newborn babies are often very attached to their mum, and at 2 months, especially when they are in a crying only stage, I can imagine for a dad that's actually really stressful.
He sees you with him all the time, and how well you do and the bond you have - maybe he's scared? Maybe he doesn't have a clue how to bond or interact with him? Having a newborn is incredibly daunting, not just for mother's. There are some really unkind comments here.
Maybe he also senses that you aren't attracted to him and resent him at the moment, and he's struggling with that too? The balance of a new baby who takes all his wife's time and love, maybe he feels left out too? You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel, ask if he needs support and tell him you do.
Babies are bloody hard work, and you need to be a united front. There are lots of sleepless nights and worries to come and it's best to try resolve this now.

lioncitygirl · 28/03/2021 21:17

Your posts really sound like he didn’t want your son. Sorry OP.

imalmostthere · 28/03/2021 21:19

@funnylittlefloozie

Oh FGS, male postnatal depression? Is there NOTHING women can have for themselves without men muscling in on it?

Mt exH was useless with our DD when she was born. It wasn't because he had male PND, it was because he was a lazy self-obsessed arsehole who didn't like the fact that all my attention went on this tiny person who couldn't fend for herself, and so he couldn't be the centre of the universe anymore.

Hes a pathetic specimen, OP, and if you want to save your relationship, then i think you need to have a real come-to- Jesus talk with him.

This is ridiculous. Women don't need post natal depression to be ours - and we wonder why so many men don't speak out about suffering mental health 🙄

arethereanyleftatall · 28/03/2021 21:21

Let me guess - he simultaneously thinks he's the only one working out of the two of you, and earning all the money, so needs a 2 day rest -whilst not being able to handle for 10minutes what you handle for 10080 minutes each week, with 0 rest.

At least we can advise before it's too late - don't have another baby with him!

JamesAnderson · 28/03/2021 21:21

@lioncitygirl

Your posts really sound like he didn’t want your son. Sorry OP.

Would you say this to a woman who was struggling with her baby? 🤔

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/03/2021 21:21

Hi OP

I am playing devils advocate here but....do you think he could be either finding it really difficult being a parent and not what he expected, or struggling with either knowing how to actually calm the baby, or feeling like he is shit at it?

I remember at nct they said 'there is always a reason why babies cry' and I sent myself mad trying to figure out the reason why. I think babies do just cry sometimes. One of mine was ok when we held her upright and walked her about on our shoulder for hours at a time but cried as soon as we stopped. I was ok doing this for a bit but mentally I couldnt cope with more than about 10 min and I got so so anxious if my husband wasn't there with me, like the baby was crying because there was something seriously wrong that I'd missed and I wouldt have been able to cope with it alone.

I think you need to try and have a sit down talk when the baby is asleep or something to find out why. If it's a confidence or anxiety thing or he doesn't feel bonded to the baby then you can work on it together. If it's a cant be arsed or dont care thing then I dont think you can really change this and you have to work out what you need to do. If he doesn't even want to talk about it you will need to assume the latter and take action. Good luck.

Amichelle84 · 28/03/2021 21:22

You just have to say exactly how you feel to him, no nicely nicely.

The first few months after a baby arrives is so tough but you have to be drank and open or you can't expect change.

Okbussitout · 28/03/2021 21:23

@lioncitygirl

Your posts really sound like he didn’t want your son. Sorry OP.

Yeah I'm wondering this too. These posts are so common about useless fathers. I do wonder how many actively want kids and how many just want them as a status symbol. To be a family man.

But of course you find him unattractive! It's really unlikeable and unattractive of a man can't step up when he becomes a parent. He's showing you he's not the man yiu thought he was.

In terms of dealing with it, he's already expecting you to jump on when he can't be arsed. So stop it. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Miasicarisatia · 28/03/2021 21:25

Lots of posters are being charitable and giving him the benefit of the doubt personally I think it's very simple he doesn't want the baby to be his problem

SuperCaliFragalistic · 28/03/2021 21:26

Stop stepping in and letting him get away with this. I don't mean to blame you but he really needs to just get on with it. My ex was a bit like this because he just had no idea what to do. Now he's had 4 kids he's actually pretty capable.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 28/03/2021 21:33

My husband was like this at first too. I was frank and I told him to sort his shit out. He did. Complete 180 and it was almost an instant change.

Mine too. He still says things like 'I can't wait for X stage to be over', but she's 6 now, and they have a great relationship. He does at least 50% of the childcare, probably more like 75% to be honest.

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 28/03/2021 21:33

Those first few months are HARD and it takes a while to adjust to the total lack of freedom. I found that resentment mounted so quickly between me and DP during those first months. Do talk to him about how you are feeling - he's probably got a lot to say about how he's feeling too.

But ultimately, as everyone has said, he needs to step up and do more. But hopefully you can come to that conclusion together rather than calling him a selfish dipshit and running away after handing him the baby (but that can be your plan b!)

georgarina · 28/03/2021 21:34

Sounds like he didn't have a lot of baby experience before and his expectations were off?

You made the baby together, you have to look after him together. Tell him that if you're getting on with it without complaining, he needs to as well.

WombatChocolate · 28/03/2021 21:35

I think this is fairly common.

Men often feel overwhelmed and resentful of the new baby. Life is turned upside down and the fun activities they used to do don’t seem available or acceptable anymore. This makes them feel a bit resentful. And then because they are at work they do t second lots of time with the baby so don’t grow a bond and also don’t grow confidence in doing the practical stuff. They feel it’s all hard work for no reward.

It’s pretty common, but as others say, you need to address it and also the solution. The solution is that he needs to spend more time with the baby and do the jobs and also have some fun with baby. It might involve you going out so he HAS to do it and can’t just hand baby over to you.

My DH had some feelings a bit like this. Before our first cam along he spent weekends doing loads of outdoor activities and seeing mates and doing things with me. We had an active, adult focused life. And then we had a grisly baby who did seem to spoil everything. I’ll admit to feeling like it too. I can remember thinking how long would it be before DC went to nursery and I could have a breather and do adult things. The early weeks felt really hard and even when the first smile eventually came, I did feel like it wasn’t reward enough. The worst time was at about 6 months when DH did go away with some friends for an outdoor weekend. He had a fab time and returned to the baby crying and not wanting to be held by him. It was awful. He’d had a lovely weekend and returned to what felt like his new horrible life.

But things did improve. He acknowledge how he felt and we talked about what we needed to do. He spent more time with the baby and did the practical jobs and as time passed he developed a great bond and by about 1 was always having fun with our now toddler. Today he had the most amazing relationship with our children. We also agreed we needed to do some stuff for us too. We had days out with baby in the sling or pram doing stuff we wanted to do and the baby had to fit in. We did each have a weekend away in that first year and made sure both of us had evenings out with friends.

For lots of people the new baby phase is really hard. The shock to lifestyle, 24/7 nature of it all and fact it can often feel there’s little return or reward does make some people wonder what the hell they’ve done. But I honestly think it passes.

But be aware, some men are bloody useless and their wives let them be. I had friends whose husbands said they couldn’t manage both children and so the woman never had a break from the kids altogether and just a day out until after the youngest was about 6. Especially men who work long hours can seem to get away with claiming exemption from engaging with their children or doing any of the practical work. If it’s allowed to happen, it grows and it can become a major thing which is hard to overcome. They lose confidence and come to believe all the child stuff is women’s work. Dont let it happen.

toolazytothinkofausername · 28/03/2021 21:39

Tuesday is meant to be beautiful weather. After DH finishes work could you all go out for a picnic?

timeisnotaline · 28/03/2021 21:40

Would you say this to a woman who was struggling with her baby? 🤔
I’ve heard of / met lots of women struggling with their baby. Never one whose sole contribution was to stare at it for maybe 10 minutes a day (it was 10 minutes over the whole weekend so I’m exaggerating his contribution) and complain about doing there.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 28/03/2021 21:42

If DS is in a good mood then DH is quite interactive with him but he just cannot deal with him (or makes any effort to even try) when he is upset.

Well tough shit, who do you get to hand the baby over to in the day when he is at work? You are learning to do it all he should too. If you are breastfeeding then clearly that is the only thing you can do that your Dh cannot.

When your baby gets upset do not give in to this urge I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and take over you do not have to take over, you can leave your baby in his Dad's arms and tell him to try X, Y or Z to settle him. He needs to learn to do it. Stop rescuing him.

If you were hospitalised tomorrow he would have to deal with it, stop giving him the ability to get out of parenting his child. He has to learn, just like you did. I assume your baby didn't come with a manual that only his Mum can read.

Milkshake7489 · 28/03/2021 21:42

OP I have a baby and could not be with my husband if he acted like that.

Unless depression is to blame, I would give him an ultimatum: sort it out and be a supportive dad/partner or leave. How are you expected to ever respect him again if he doesn't even try to parent his child?

Flowers24 · 28/03/2021 21:45

My husband was like this a bit too, some men especially struggle a bit with the tiny baby stage , you may find he gets far more involved and enjoys it further down the line x

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