To ask what your biggest regret in life is?

[SylviaPlath1984]

Or even what you feel you might regret in the future if you don't do it soon?

I regret not taking school more seriously or trying harder, not making more of myself.

What about you?

Not realising when I was applying to university that I was never going to be a doctor. Not better investigating alternative degree options rather than putting all my eggs into the med school basket. Giving up on my A-levels as a result. Not ever applying myself and just coasting at school prior to all that. I was so smart. And achieved precisely fuck all with it. I'm so afraid of failure now, that I'm too scared to even try.

Other than that melodrama... Jumping over that fucking pile of sand at the age of 11 and spectacularly breaking my leg as a result. Huge regret.

Persuading my parents to turn down the Grammar School place I'd been offered (because I was the only one from my school going there) and switching to another Grammar School where I would know people from day one. It made the transition easier, but I'd have had a better education at the first one.

@peachgreen - I remember your thread about your DH. I understand why you still feel guilty but honestly, there really was nothing you could have done. Have you had bereavement counselling at all? It might help you to let go of your guilt.

Having read more of the thread now I have remembered one - I regret not phoning my Nanna the night before she died. 3 times I thought to phone her and then didn't because I didn't want to bother her with my trivial worry - and then I couldn't after that because she had a massive heart attack the next day. :(

@Mamanyt you obviously did a very good job of being a mum even though you think others could have done better! You raised good kids and you love them to bits- that is the very definition of being a good mother! X

Going out with my first boyfriend. He set the bar low and I have been left with mental health issues that are problematic 25 years on. I also wish I'd done a different degree.

[quote Libraryghost]@Mamanyt you obviously did a very good job of being a mum even though you think others could have done better! You raised good kids and you love them to bits- that is the very definition of being a good mother! X[/quote]
Thank you. Just...thank you.

Not spending more of my adult years with my grandparents, I managed to land an amazing graduate scheme but it took 110% of my life for a number of years by the time I looked around the neighbour who cared for them totally replaced me. I flew home early one year to help them with the Christmas tree ( a tradition we always had as child.) I arrived at the house and the tree had been put up by the neighbor that replaced me.. I kept my distance and flew back for work early.

My degree choice;
settling in the UK (sorry Brits, it's nothing personal);
not speaking to my dad enough during the final year of his life

Darting around the world with DHs job. I've had a great time but my own career has stagnated; I'm just about to take a job at the same pay scale i was on 6 years ago. I am youngish and have time to sort it out but still, I am being paid a lot less than I would have been.

I'm not sure it's a regret really though in some ways, because I have seen a lot of the world, done some really random jobs that have enhanced my skill set, learnt stuff. But it has stagnated my career now the fun is over.

@Wren77

I regret going home to bed the night my mum died when I could have so easily stayed with her and I think of that decision everyday and I wish I wish I could just go back in time and change that.

If it's any consolation, there's a theory that people find it easier to die when their loved ones aren't around. They are ready to go but don't want to upset them so hang on until the coast is clear. I know of several people who were upset that a loved one died when they had left the hospital or even just gone for a coffee. But maybe that was why they died when they did - having that space, that freedom finally to let go. I mean this to be a comfort, so I hope it is.

I regret that I didn't go to the US to work as a volunteer when I was 22. I left my reasonably well paying part time job in a library to do it, but then got back together with my first boyfriend who subtly pressured me not to go, so I didn't. We didn't even last long, but then the opportunity was gone.

I regret that I didn't travel more before having a child in my mid twenties, and the fact I had him with his dad who was a controlling PITA. I was too scared to travel but I wish I'd just done it anyway.

Above all, I wish I'd left home much earlier, around 18 to flee my toxic mother and start building up my self esteem a bit. I wish I had gone and rented a bedsit, got a first shitty job and started earning and saving. I'll probably never get on the property ladder now and am at age 38 locked in single parent benefits trap that is really hard to get out of. I might get off benefits but I'll probably never own my own home, (I have zero savings for a deposit and am self employed) and that is the biggest regret of my life.

Falling for a narcissist.
Then falling again for the hoovering.
Telling myself that no matter what happens, the good times were worth it.
They weren’t, I had some hellish years.

I also regret being too practical with my time and money, I wish I’d lived a bit more.

Being too attracted to looks and letting some lovely potential partners go :-(. I was too shallow.

Ever taking drugs, they ruled me for 20 years of my life.
Not going to uni
Not buying a house
Getting into relationships with appallingly abusive men, one after the other.
Having a child with a narcissist with bi polar.
Repeatedly trying with my narcissistic DF when I should have cut him off 20 years ago. (Been NC 4 years now).
Not cutting my narcissistic mysogynistic DB off sooner than this year.
Not being able to be in a relationship for the last decade.

All of the above is clearly related, and I regret all of it.

Not leaving my abusive marriage earlier before we brought kids into the world. I was so blindsided by him and had no support from anyone. Took the Police and a Social Worker to make me see the clearly obvious to everyone else but me.

Not a regret as such, more a query...

I was offered a place to study at Oxford, but as I was only 16 and they wouldn't defer, I turned it down.

I went on to a Russell Group uni and have a career and life I love, but I do sometimes think of that as a 'Sliding Doors' aspect of my past...

Biggest regret- self harm. Even after a decade free. Coming up to another summer where I will be covered from neck to ankles at all times.

Not pushing myself more at school. Which I half blame my parents for, they sent me to a fucking shit school, but still, had I had the right support I could have been a doctor, no problem. I'd say I was the brightest in my year, but there was no guidance at all. Only resignment.

I regret that I wasn't kinder and more caring to the people I loved, while they were still alive.

Wasting money instead of investing it

Wasting time and emotions on men who weren't worth it

Not getting help and medication for my mental health issues earlier

Putting on (a lot of) weight

Pushing myself too hard at work at times to the point of ridiculous levels of stress

Not realising earlier that material goods (beyond a certain point) and consumerism are a trap

Not saving my sister's life. I had no idea she would be killed and she was in a different city, but if I had been there I could have stopped it, and everything would be different. I know it's crazy but I think about it all the time. It's like I'm living the wrong life.

Attending Mount Holyoke instead of Smith.
Ever meeting my first husband.
Lending money to supposed friends.
Not buying my parents’ house when sold by the people who bought it from then.
Not telling off my manipulative sister years ago.

@LadyJaye

Not a regret as such, more a query...

I was offered a place to study at Oxford, but as I was only 16 and they wouldn't defer, I turned it down.

I went on to a Russell Group uni and have a career and life I love, but I do sometimes think of that as a 'Sliding Doors' aspect of my past...

All things considered, I think you were wise to turn it down unless you lived in Oxford and were planning to stay at home.

Although not all students drink alcohol, it can be a big part of that "first time living away from home" experience, and you would have been debarred from it longer than most (most students are either 18 or turn 18 in their first year) in terms of going to the pubs and clubs, which would have set you apart from the rest of your cohort. It might not have mattered much to you but I think it would have affected your college experience, so you did better to wait.

@Foom

Not saving my sister's life. I had no idea she would be killed and she was in a different city, but if I had been there I could have stopped it, and everything would be different. I know it's crazy but I think about it all the time. It's like I'm living the wrong life.

Foom, that sounds like a form of survivor guilt. Have you had any counselling for it? Does it adversely affect your life? - thinking about it all the time does rather suggest this, but if you still manage to get on with everything otherwise normally then maybe not.

((((hugs)))) for you

@Foom - this link might help you if you feel you need any help ct.counseling.org/2019/06/relieving-the-heavy-burden-of-survivor-guilt/ - although it might initially not seem relevant, it does cover the "if only I'd done something different, I could have saved my sister" scenario.