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AIBU?

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Original poster

Male friend made a pass - I'm horrified

77 replies

Disgustedandfeelsick · 27/03/2021 17:47

I have a male friend (I'm female). We met through work about ten years ago. He's been in a relationship about a year. I've met, married and split with DH in this time.

We don't talk regularly but I know if I needed to talk to him there would be no difficulty. I've never cheated on my STBXH and as far as I know he's never cheated on his DP. I absolutely don't fancy him in the slightest. He's a friend.

Last week he called and I couldn't pick up. I text that I'd call him back and forgot. I remembered yesterday and thought I must call him this weekend. I had every intention of doing that.

Anyway today he text, started off quite normal and then he said he'd had a really rude dream about me and that I probably shouldn't ask. I said no I won't. He kept on about this dream and how he finds me very attractive. I was really uncomfortable and told him his DP wouldn't be at all pleased he was having this conversation with me. He kept on so I said I'm really not happy having this sort of chat with you, please stop.

He said OK but he can't help his feelings and that we're still the best of friends? We've never been best friends, he was a mate who I caught up every now and then.

He clearly thinks I'm up for it now I'm single. I'm utterly disgusted by him and would rather break the friendship. Anyone else been let down like this by a friend or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 27/03/2021 17:49

YANBU. I get the ick when a male friends get flirty and distance myself straightaway.

HeeeeeyBogie · 27/03/2021 17:50

I remember a thread from a woman who found that this happened when she was single. It's like they don't want to miss out on an opportunity. It sounds like you handled it well, sorry that he acted like a shithead.

Extremelyilluminated · 27/03/2021 17:52

Oh op they all come crawling out of the woodwork when you split with a partner sadly. It’s terrible.
It put me off men almost entirely. I have no advice.
Some of my favourite men, the ones I thought were so decent, made a move on me in the weeks, yes weeks after my separation. It destroyed my faith totally.

FallenSky · 27/03/2021 17:53

I've had this happen with DH's best friend. I thought he was my friend too. It was awful. I spent ages afterwards going over all my interactions with him trying to figure out if I'd somehow given him signals or led him on in any way. Of course, I hadn't. Some men are just arseholes. Sorry your friend turned out to be one too.

Original poster
Disgustedandfeelsick · 27/03/2021 17:54

I don't know if its emotions over anything else but I'm so sickened by it. I don't have very much interest in men at the moment anyway after a fairly emotional split but this has really put me off dating in the future.

OP posts:
Extremelyilluminated · 27/03/2021 18:03

A little while in the future, you’ll be thankful that the dreadful experience of a break up enabled you to see people for who they really are. At the beginning it feels like endless disappointments , but soon you’ll notice the good eggs will shine brighter than ever .

Babygotblueyes · 27/03/2021 18:13

Had an ex boss who was always a mentor to me and I kept in touch with for 15 years while I was overseas. He is married, 2 kids all the time I've known him. Met him a few times in London when I moved back to the UK and was near his work place, and on one he announced he had always fancied me and did I want to have an affair with him. WTF. I really thought he was one of the nice ones.

Robin233 · 27/03/2021 18:31

Sad but true.
When I split with ex dh many years ago they 'do' all coming crawling out the woodwork.
A simple no' ( get lost) and they crawl right back in :)

TheFiend · 27/03/2021 18:32

I have a family friend who did this to me. We’ve known each other pretty much our whole life. My dad and his dad are best friends since they were kids and they were always at our house growing up. We were close and then less close as we grew up, went to uni, moved away etc. We always kept in touch though, even if just through Facebook.

When I split up with dh he started messaging me quite frequently. At first I thought he was being supportive but one night when he came around, he made a crude joke about my boobs and then tried to kiss me. I saw him more as a family member and told him so and he got really nasty. His ego couldn’t take the rejection so he started verbally attacking me and saying I should be grateful someone like him was even paying me attention. Apparently I’m at 6 at best when he’s clearly a 10 Hmm

Always thought he was decent but I guess you never really know someone

Tessateacup · 27/03/2021 18:36

🤢 ick! YANBU. He's an opportunistic scumbag who's getting pushy because you're single. I think he's just about ruined a friendship.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2021 18:38

He does sound like a sex obsessed creep. I don't think there's any harm in a man seeing if you are interested but what a way to go about it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 27/03/2021 18:38

Try. Fine. BUT only when both people are single. Lots of people were friends before relationship. One of them had to "make a pass".
Most importantly it should stop if the other person says no or that they don't want to talk about it. And ffs🙄 "i had a rude dream about you" is just lame and a no

Yanbu to not be happy in this situation.

Truthlikeness · 27/03/2021 18:46

My brother-in-law made a pass at me when we were both in the process of splitting up from our spouses (bother and sister, they had both instigated it). I guess he felt we had that in common and should console each other. It's fair to say nothing was further from my mind.

WeeMadArthur · 27/03/2021 18:46

This happened to my friend when she split up from her abusive husband. A married man in their friendship group offered to do some work on her house and sent her some fairly explicit texts. It was really uncomfortable as he still had work to finish up in her house. Absolutely just taking the chance for a shag with a pretty vulnerable woman, what a cunt.

Truthlikeness · 27/03/2021 18:48

To give some context, I'd just spent the previous hour telling him how desperate I was for it to work out with my husband. (Dear reader, it didn't)

HowManyToes · 27/03/2021 18:53

Why are men (yes, I know not all before someone says it) so fucking gross? In the 6 months after my dad died my mum got hit on by about half a dozen men she’d known for years from work/church/PTA etc. Even a couple of my dad’s friends. A few of them didn’t take rejection particularly well. Fucking creeps.

Shnuffles · 27/03/2021 19:07

Gross. YANBU! It's creepy, but it would also kill my friendly feelings for him, knowing that he was so eager to either cheat on or dump his current partner. I'd have no respect for him after that.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 27/03/2021 19:08

I made the mistake recently in a new job, thinking that I had made a work friend at my new place. Not best pals or anything but not severely professional. Someone I could message for a chit chat during the day or have a cuppa with. He happened to have male appendage.

There was me all pleased with myself thinking I had simply made a friend in my new office....how wrong was I 😂

Doyoumindfisithere · 27/03/2021 19:11

yanbu, it is so disappointing when this happens. At least it was by text not in real life!

Honeyroar · 27/03/2021 19:12

One of my male friends did this many years ago. I just told him to stop saying things like that and not to make the friendship awkward. He took the hint and it’s been fine since, never mentioned again. Could you try the same? Be direct that it’s going to spoil the friendship unless he stops.

Mrsmadevans · 27/03/2021 19:13

YADNBU he's a sleazy, opportunistic CF , block him OP Flowers

Fnib · 27/03/2021 19:14

@HowManyToes that happened to my mum too Sad

TheOrigRights · 27/03/2021 19:16

@Extremelyilluminated

Oh op they all come crawling out of the woodwork when you split with a partner sadly. It’s terrible. It put me off men almost entirely. I have no advice. Some of my favourite men, the ones I thought were so decent, made a move on me in the weeks, yes weeks after my separation. It destroyed my faith totally.
I had men make advances towards me while I was in the middle of my hideous divorce. Men I was confiding in and seeking support from. They saw a vulnerable side to me and homed in.

I was so deep in despair I didn't even realise one was trying it on for ages, then forwarded some of his texts to a good friend and she said it was blindingly obvious to her. I felt such a fool.

MrsG30 · 27/03/2021 19:16

Another YANBU and time to ditch the friendship.

I had a friend like this - met through work, got on really well etc, but he made a pass at a work conference and I lost all reappear for him. He knows I’m married!

MrsG30 · 27/03/2021 19:16

Respect*