Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male friend made a pass - I'm horrified

77 replies

Disgustedandfeelsick · 27/03/2021 17:47

I have a male friend (I'm female). We met through work about ten years ago. He's been in a relationship about a year. I've met, married and split with DH in this time.

We don't talk regularly but I know if I needed to talk to him there would be no difficulty. I've never cheated on my STBXH and as far as I know he's never cheated on his DP. I absolutely don't fancy him in the slightest. He's a friend.

Last week he called and I couldn't pick up. I text that I'd call him back and forgot. I remembered yesterday and thought I must call him this weekend. I had every intention of doing that.

Anyway today he text, started off quite normal and then he said he'd had a really rude dream about me and that I probably shouldn't ask. I said no I won't. He kept on about this dream and how he finds me very attractive. I was really uncomfortable and told him his DP wouldn't be at all pleased he was having this conversation with me. He kept on so I said I'm really not happy having this sort of chat with you, please stop.

He said OK but he can't help his feelings and that we're still the best of friends? We've never been best friends, he was a mate who I caught up every now and then.

He clearly thinks I'm up for it now I'm single. I'm utterly disgusted by him and would rather break the friendship. Anyone else been let down like this by a friend or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 27/03/2021 19:17

Yuk. Couldn't believe it when I was crying on a male friends shoulder about a break up and he started kissing me. In what world is that not taking advantage. I told everyone and avoided him like the plague. Serial 'pretend' nice guy.

Annamaywong25 · 27/03/2021 19:23

Sadly many men think a single woman is a desperate/vunerable woman, especially if they're newly single.....and they take the opportunity to "strike while the irons hot" eugh Sad

RachelRoth · 27/03/2021 19:24

No op. It isnt you. It is shitty men.
Cut him off

Lorieandrews · 27/03/2021 19:24

Oh. I’ve got male friend that I’ve known for 20 odd years

I’d be MORTIFIED if they hit on me.

I truly feel for you OP

Sn0tnose · 27/03/2021 19:25

He said OK but he can't help his feelings and that we're still the best of friends? We've never been best friends, he was a mate who I caught up every now and then.

There’s a post on FWR at the moment about the need to stop ‘being kind’ which has inspired me a bit, so I’d reply ‘We’re not, and never have been, ‘best of friends’. Your comments were uninvited and unwelcome and would have been so even if you weren’t in a relationship. You have made me look at you in a very different light and I don’t want to be friends with a man who attempts to cheat on his partner by creeping on his mates’.

SkinnyEx · 27/03/2021 19:26

The OW in my case was a female friend of his.
She split up from her long term DP, and my then long term 'D'P pursued her.

The newly single woman becomes the damsel in distress that need rescuing, the man turns into a shark.

i wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone, not even her.

Spillanelle · 27/03/2021 19:31

Sorry OP, it can feel really hurtful and disrespectful when that happens. This is why I don’t want to have any male friends any more, I used to but found that they always crossed those boundaries.

Sessional · 27/03/2021 19:37

OP I wear a wedding ring to work even though I’ve been divorced for years. Men are awful when they find out you’re single. Even if they are married with 10 kids, even if they are your boss, even if you wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole they seem to think you will be grateful for their pitiful come on. Weirdly enough they aren’t so interested when they think you might have a husband to kick their arse. This won’t be the last time this happens I’m sorry to say

mellicauli · 27/03/2021 19:37

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/03/2021 19:38

@stackemhigh

YANBU. I get the ick when a male friends get flirty and distance myself straightaway.
I agree. For me, a platonic friend is a platonic friend full stop. I would no more flirt with them than with a member of my family. However, not everyone has these strict boundaries, including many women. It comes up quite often on this site when a woman says she wants a FWB that she should sleep with a friend!
23PissOffAvenueWF · 27/03/2021 19:38

It’s very insulting - I mean, how desperate do they think you are, that you’re just ready and waiting to lap up the sloppy second crumbs they deign to throw your way.

I would take so much satisfaction from sending a message such as @Sn0tnose’s, and consigning such a loser to the dustbin of history.

AcornAutumn · 27/03/2021 19:39

This a thing and it's awful

So sad when you think you ha e a friend and it turns out you had a creep in your life.

Puts me off making male friends.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/03/2021 19:40

@mellicauli

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.

It's not strictly a man-woman thing though is it. I've also known women who hold a torch for a male friend who only sees them as a friend.
Zeev · 27/03/2021 19:42

@HowManyToes

Why are men (yes, I know not all before someone says it) so fucking gross? In the 6 months after my dad died my mum got hit on by about half a dozen men she’d known for years from work/church/PTA etc. Even a couple of my dad’s friends. A few of them didn’t take rejection particularly well. Fucking creeps.
This happened to my mum too. One of their old friends made a pass two weeks after my dad passed. Confused
Still1nLove · 27/03/2021 19:43

I had 3 married men try it on with me when I split from dh. 1 was, and still is, married to a good friend of mine!

Joinedjustforthispost · 27/03/2021 19:46

He's certainly no freind to try it on with you op, freinds don’t act this way what a pig .

muddyford · 27/03/2021 19:47

It's not only men. When my husband 's first wife died, several women 'friends' came out of the woodwork and invited him for lunch or supper and made very flirtatious remarks. In fact, one only realised he and I were an item when his workplace presented us with our wedding present in the week before our marriage. Creepy cow.

Cactus1982 · 27/03/2021 19:48

I don’t get this. So often on here you see threads on here from women saying that the have a crush on a male friend and they are always told to go for it etc. Why is it different when it’s a man?

23PissOffAvenueWF · 27/03/2021 19:49

I’ve never managed to have a platonic friendship with a bloke. I mean, I’m ostensibly friends with my friends’ DHs and DH’s friends, but that’s not really the same as an actual organic friendship with a man. Any friendships I have had, have ended because they tried something unwelcome on.

DH, on the other hand, has managed many long-lasting friendships with women.

Odd that our experience has been so different...

littlepattilou · 27/03/2021 19:50

@Spanielsarepainless Oh the NAMALTs are here....Not only men, but they are 100 X more likely to be ^

MattDamon · 27/03/2021 19:51

Male mentor at work for a decade. Treated me with the utmost respect and really helped me with my career. I'd met his wife many times and even visited them at their home. Asked if he could crash at my place while in town for a meeting. Came on to me in the grossest way possible (involved his penis). I was stunned and disgusted. We'd never even flirted playfully.

I've had to freeze him out since. I still mourn the loss of the relationship.

Sadsiblingatsea · 27/03/2021 19:52

This is why I prefer not to have male friends.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 27/03/2021 19:52

@Cactus1982

I don’t get this. So often on here you see threads on here from women saying that the have a crush on a male friend and they are always told to go for it etc. Why is it different when it’s a man?
Presumably they’re both single?

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel, assuming you’re both single - as long as it’s just telling them - not divulging the dirty dream you had, or grabbing their crotch, etc.

Then, once you’ve told them how you feel, you accept their response, and if it’s a ‘no’ potentially risk ending the friendship if it’s made things a bit weird.

Cattermole · 27/03/2021 19:53

So this is meant to make you laugh (but is true)

So my DH died on December 21st 12 years ago. Lots of friends rallied round saying, you can't spend Christmas by yourself. One single female friend invited herself round for Christmas dinner and we got very pished and danced outrageously into the early hours.

Male friend kept saying are you going to be okay, are you SURE you're going to be okay. Fine, I said, A is coming over to spend Christmas here.

Knock on the door on Christmas morning, it's this diabolical arsehole with, I kid you not, a bottle of knock-off perfume off the market, clearly wrapped up by his mam. BUT. Clearly casting his bread upon the water, he'd brought one for A too.

He did not stay long that day....

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/03/2021 19:54

@Cactus1982

I don’t get this. So often on here you see threads on here from women saying that the have a crush on a male friend and they are always told to go for it etc. Why is it different when it’s a man?
He isn't single. She asked him to stop. Repeatedly.

There you go.