Male friend made a pass - I'm horrified

[Disgustedandfeelsick]

I have a male friend (I'm female). We met through work about ten years ago. He's been in a relationship about a year. I've met, married and split with DH in this time.

We don't talk regularly but I know if I needed to talk to him there would be no difficulty. I've never cheated on my STBXH and as far as I know he's never cheated on his DP. I absolutely don't fancy him in the slightest. He's a friend.

Last week he called and I couldn't pick up. I text that I'd call him back and forgot. I remembered yesterday and thought I must call him this weekend. I had every intention of doing that.

Anyway today he text, started off quite normal and then he said he'd had a really rude dream about me and that I probably shouldn't ask. I said no I won't. He kept on about this dream and how he finds me very attractive. I was really uncomfortable and told him his DP wouldn't be at all pleased he was having this conversation with me. He kept on so I said I'm really not happy having this sort of chat with you, please stop.

He said OK but he can't help his feelings and that we're still the best of friends? We've never been best friends, he was a mate who I caught up every now and then.

He clearly thinks I'm up for it now I'm single. I'm utterly disgusted by him and would rather break the friendship. Anyone else been let down like this by a friend or am I over reacting?

The friendship is officially over. Block his sorry arse.

@Zeev @HowManyToes Happened to my Mum too, and my Mum was 70 at the time. This family 'friend' seemed like a lovely man while my Dad was dying - he came round every week to sit and chat to my Dad while my Mum went out for an hour (my Mum couldn't leave my dad on his own in the house towards the end), this 'friend' was (or so we thought) happily married.

However, within weeks of my Dad dying, this family friend made a pass at my Mum, who was utterly mortified. Fortunately she's a very fiery feisty woman (which I suspect he'd not seen while my dad was dying), and she screamed at him to get out of her house, then once he was out, she locked the door and proceeded to scream at him through the letter box to get out of her life and never come back. He took the hint.

In hindsight, I think it'd been his plan all along - he seemed to appear in my Mum and Dad's life just when my Mum really needed the support, knowing full well it wouldn't be long before my Dad would be dead. Horrible man.

I don’t get this. So often on here you see threads on here from women saying that the have a crush on a male friend and they are always told to go for it etc. Why is it different when it’s a man?

You very clearly didn't read the same post the rest of us did.

@Cactus1982

I don’t get this. So often on here you see threads on here from women saying that the have a crush on a male friend and they are always told to go for it etc. Why is it different when it’s a man?

If the said women are single and so are the friends, no problem at all. In that case, yes, go for it, why not? As long as they are respectful and if the male friends say no, they do not insist. I wouldn't expect the women to be encouraged to go for it if the male friends are married/in a relationship. Actually, they are usually discouraged and get a telling off in that situation

I think Cactus knows full well, s/he’s just being very disingenuous. I mean, it’s completely obvious as to the difference.

@Disgustedandfeelsick YANBU to be disgusted. BLOCK HIM FROM YOUR LIFE! Unfortunately, although the odd man here and there is OK, they are as rare as rocking horse shit. MOST men, given the chance will try it on (whether they are married or not.)

Me personally, I have had numerous men try it on, even as a married woman. If I even show the SLIGHTEST sign of friendliness. Fucking pigs. (Doesn't happen so much since I hit middle age, but still occasionally happens.) I really think 95% of men fancy their chances with women, especially lonely/vulnerable women, like divorcees, widows/women who have suffered bereavement etc...

There was this repugnant 50-something man who used to work at my place, who was married for 35 years, with 2 grown kids, and a very attractive wife. He was chirpy and chatty, and always had the 'cheer up luv' vibe with EVERY woman.

That was annoying, but what was MORE annoying is how he targeted every woman who was vulnerable, with a 'pretending to be concerned' type of thing going on. Women from 18 to 48 were targeted, whether it was their boyfriend dumping them, or their granny dying, or their marriage failing, he was always there, staying an hour after his shift, listening to them, drying their tears, and putting his arm around them...

Because they were vulnerable, they just thought he was 'kind.' A couple of women even bought him gifts to thank him, for being so KIND. He would smugly polish his halo when this happened. Fuck knows what his wife thought.

He did it one time too many. One Thursday morning, (2 years ago,) a 20 y.o. woman who worked there had her dad die suddenly. When she was alone in the little staff kitchen with him, he put his arm around her, and hugged her, and squeezed her tight. He said 'come on, cry it out, come to Steve...'

By Monday, he was gone. He was told by the Area Manager that the young woman had said she found his physical touching, and attention horrifying, and would file an official complaint with head office if he wasn't sacked. So he was given the chance to hand in his notice, and take the last 2 weeks as holiday leave.

Creepy as fuck, and nasty. Somewhere in his head, he thought he was still 21. Even so, he should not have been so tactile with all these women. Dirty bastard.

It was his wife I felt sorry for. Not sure what happened, whether she found out about it all or not.

disclaimer.... STEVE is not his real name...

Wow, @cattermole, that is grim (but did make me laugh).

A while back I left my then-husband, and ended up coming out and starting to date women. You would not believe the number of male 'friends' or acquaintances who imagined that the dating women was clearly something I would give up instantly once I realised there was at least one living, breathing possessor of XY chromosomes declaring an interest! I had one bloke who got in touch and, I kid you not, explained he couldn't envisage a relationship because he was quite committed to his partner (who's a woman I've known for years), but he could offer me some casual sex if that would be of interest? When I said no he told me there was no need to get nasty, he was just trying to stop me looking desperate in public.

This happened to me after splitting from both of my exes. Its so unsettling. I dont really trust men as proper friends anymore

Haha - guys always used to do this to me, to the extent that I'm not convinced that you can ever 'just' be friends. You don't need to ditch him, just distance yourself for a good long while. Normal bloke behaviour IMO.

I would just disregard this man, and block him out, He can keep his rude dreams to himself, and you should not feel sick about his horrible behaviour, you should just pity him,as he sounds like lots of men, who have lurid thoughts in their heads, but don't keep them to themselves.

How anyone could say that yabu is completely beyond me! He's a slimey creep. I've had "friends" like this in the past, and it's disgusting. Tbh it makes u feel cheated, like all this time they've secretly been having alterior motives..he knows its inappropriate given the circumstances, but chooses to persue it anyway. Speaks volumes about his character. You've done nothing wrong, it's him bu..

@23PissOffAvenueWF

I think Cactus knows full well, s/he’s just being very disingenuous. I mean, it’s completely obvious as to the difference.

Except many people other than the OP are sharing experiences on this thread involving a male friend who was NOT partnered at the time. And still annoyed that their friend made a pass at them.

I think it's a shame when a male friend makes a pass and you're not interested but generally I don't think it's fair to call them gross, creepy etc because of it unless a) they don't accept the "no" graciously or b) they are in a relationship. Also, shortly after a break up is pretty insensitive and a death? Not smart!

Massively universal as far as I can tell. When I split up with my first BF a few male friends came out of the woodwork admitting they’d ‘always had feelings.’ Annoyed me a lot as I felt they’d never really been friends. I mentioned this to a male friend who thought I should be flattered, and I said that I might well have been if they had waited at least a month before making the move, or had at least laid some groundwork instead of sending an out of the blue text the second they heard!

I think a lot of men assume a women who no longer has a partner is desperate for sex, weird!

My aunt was 90 when my uncle died. A man turned up at her door who had worked with him for years. He said he had come a long way and would have to stay with her the night, my aunt was really scared and there were remarks like him and his wife lived their own lives. The next day he said he wanted to go to the cemetery with her to pay his respects.
When they stood my the grave he grabbed my aunt's hand and looked down and said 'Look Charlie, I've got the girl now !' My aunt was devastated and told him to leave there and then. He was really persistant ,said he couldn't go , no more sailings that day. She had to let her take her home but she was so shaken that this man who had been a good friend of her just dead husband was behaving like a letch. She sent him a letter to say what would happen if he ever turned up again. He didn't , I wished he had and I had been waiting

I used to work with a male colleague who would say " I had a dream about you last night "
He wanted you to reply " Did you " so he could say " No you wouldn't let me "
He would say that to every female he worked with . In the end it got so tedious we'd pre warn female members of staff just to stare at him with a look in their eye.

my mum said one of the crap things about divorcing is you lose friends. Of course some pick sides but there is the element of other couples freezing the single woman out as she's a threat.

My dp’s Best mate decided to tell me at my FIL’s funeral ( dp’s Dad ) that he was madly in love with me and decided it was the right time to tell me. I told him to piss off and leave. He was also one of our neighbours which was bloody awkward.

He ended up moving away and he and dp drifted apart thank god.

YANBU. It’s so disappointing when a person reveals their true colours when you’ve already invested in a friendship.

A male friend did similar to me on a night out after id been through a bad break up, seemingly quite happy to cheat on his gf and suggest we get a taxi to back to his as his gf was away. When I made it clear that wasn’t happening he told me the only reason we were still friends was because he hadn’t managed to shag me yet. I ditched him immediately, never spoke to him again and deleted the few emails he sent attempting to pretend that had never happened.

@MattDamon

Male mentor at work for a decade. Treated me with the utmost respect and really helped me with my career. I'd met his wife many times and even visited them at their home. Asked if he could crash at my place while in town for a meeting. Came on to me in the grossest way possible (involved his penis). I was stunned and disgusted. We'd never even flirted playfully.

I've had to freeze him out since. I still mourn the loss of the relationship.

That reminds me of someone who said to a female 'friend' "do you think about my penis"

A few days after DH died one of his work colleagues phoned to ask if he could visit. This man was married with 6 young kids, an alcoholic, big time gambler, didn't have a car as he had lost his drivers licence due to drink driving and had nothing in common with DH except they worked together, so his phone call surprised me because I knew DH's thoughts about how he abused and neglected his DW and children.

He lived about 20 miles away and asked me to come and collect him which would also include driving him home later. I had only ever spoken a few words to this person if I had reason to see DH at work (which was very rare) and to be perfectly honest wasn't in the right frame of mind (being the day after the funeral) to make small talk with someone I didn't know and someone who wasn't considered a friend by DH. I was physically and mentally exhausted and we all needed some peace and quiet and to gather our thoughts.

Next day another call and politely I put him off again. Then another few days went past and another phone call, this time telling me how much he 'loved' me (give me a bucket I want to be sick!!) and desperately wanted to visit but that I should arrange for my late-teenage children to be away for a few days as he wanted time to get to know me without interruptions and had several days off work due to change of roster. Whoa!!!

Politeness went out the window and I told him in no uncertain terms that I was 'not' interested and was definitely 'not' desperate and stop contacting me for any reason. He continued calling but we knew the work times/rosters/etc so DS used to answer the phone or we just let it ring.

Then I had to visit the workplace to sort out some things with DH's boss who asked how we were, so I seized the opportunity to ask him to speak to this man and tell him not to bother me at any time, as by now my next step was contacting the police due to the ongoing harassment.

Finally the calls stopped and the boss called me several weeks later to enquire if his chat had sunk in, although the man said I had taken it all out of context. Yeah...sure!

I would ditch him simply because you will never feel the same way about him again and he creeped you out and didn’t respect you enough to stop when you said to stop it the first time.

A few years ago now I was friends with a guy through someone else, not close friends but he always seemed like a lovely guy. On a night out “friend” groped me, shoved his hand up my dress and tried to kiss me. I told him to stop. He didn’t. I pushed him off of me and he dragged me to the floor by my hair so that I hit my head on the ground. I honestly believe the only reason he didn’t do anything else to me was because he was too drunk to get up and chase me when I got to my feet and ran. Before that happened I never ever would have expected that behaviour from him.

I reckon a lot of women who have all these male friends would be shocked to know the male doesn't feel the same way about the friendship as she does. She might think of him as a "friend" but he'd love something more. They can't ever be like female friends.

Ignore him and ghost the friendship. He's not a true friend if you told him that his advances made you feel uncomfortable yet he still persisted. He either sees you as a challenge and believes he can wear you down or thinks so highly of himself that you couldn't possible resist him. Let's face, it neither of these are desirable traits in a romantic partner or friend. This has happened to me a few times when I was younger and although it's annoying at the time, I don't regret losing these fake friendships. One even tracked me down on Facebook a couple of years back after having not spoken to me at all in a decade just to let me know he was about to propose to his girlfriend. By this point I'd happily been in a relationship for 10 years!