To ask if you would consider a specialist school over mainstream for this child?

[Leviooosaaah]

DS1 is 11 and the eldest of 3 so we are new to secondary; he is autistic and I’m becoming increasingly worried that he is just not going to cope in a mainstream school. He masks at school but his teachers are aware that he is behind developmentally in areas of social, emotion and communication. I’ve applied for an EHCP but I’m mid appeal for assessment.

I have picked a very good school but I feel sick at the thought of sending him there as I just can’t see how he will be able to cope .

He is selectively mute and receiving SALT for this.

He finds it impossible to make new friends (he has friends but these friends are starting to outgrow him so I don’t think they will last much longer).

He has daily explosive meltdowns including throwing things and banging things as he is so wound up from school.

He is unable organise himself, find his own clothes or socks, or regulate his own homework. It causes arguments if we try to encourage him to do this.

He is unable to get himself out of the bath or shower and get himself dried; he relies on me to do this and it has to be done a certain way. Any encouragement to get him to do it himself results in crying and shrieking.

He will not leave the house and hates to go out.

He will not enter a shop but also does not like to be left to wait in the car . If I walk out of sight in a park or outside of our home , he gets upset and feels like I’ve left him.

Has no desire to play out with his class mates and is impulsive , easily persuaded to do the bidding of others and does not act upon road safety.

He could never (at this stage) get on a bus or buy something independently in a shop.

He refuses to engage in homework on any level and is unable to pack his own school bag.

He can only make a basic sandwich of cheese spread or such like; he can not make toast and needs a lot of supervision. He is unable to “find” things he needs.

He can not describe or verbalise his feelings and has a way of thinking that I can not comprehend at all (I try!). If something goes wrong , his version of events in the way he sees it sounds completely irrational (but is rational to him).

He can not not deal with unexpected changes to his routine and even a minor upset can change his mood for the whole day.

He has to be encouraged, bribed and argued with to conduct simple basic hygiene such as washing and brushing his hair. This causes hours of meltdowns.

Academically he is clever but is attaining average grades and I feel this is hindered by his anxiety and emotional immaturity.

He will categorically not talk about school; even the mention of the word sends him in to shut down and he will not engage in any conversation to help him.

I feel he is very vulnerable; this is not “typical” of a child his age is it ?

Would you be concerned and think he may better be suited to specialist provision?

He has a brilliant mind but I feel his anxiety is overpowering the lovely little boy he is. He spends his whole life worrying, feeling angry and exploding. I love him dearly and I just want him to be happy , but he never is .

I would think that unless you have a very detailed EHCP in place, mainstream schools simply won't be able to provide the level of help he may need - the funding just isn't available.

Do you have good specialist schools locally?

Oh OP you sound like a lovely mum - this is such a hard situation.

It does sound to me like at least a very small school, or a specialist school would be best. What are the options that would stretch him academically? It feels like doing well academically and managing his anxiety so he can further develop life skills are the two key things he needs to have the best life chances.

My daughter is 10 and has autism, I’m sending her to a sen school for secondary, no way will she cope in mainstream.

I think if you try and visit some schools it may be clear what suits?

I work in a great secondary that had amazing SENDCo support. No way would I suggest your DS could cope in mainstream. In my opinion it would be cruel on him to try.

Hi Leviooosah

If you post over in the special needs section you’re more likely to find people who have been in this situation who can support you

We have a very similar story, transition from primary failed spectacularly, no help or support and had to fight for an EHCP ourselves

If I was talking to myself 6 years ago I would say yes yes yes

Move faster, it will almost certainly be the making of your child, our dc is now settled achieving and in 6th form

It’s well known that high functioning autistic children often fall apart on transition to the larger, noisier environment and often the parents are given little to no support in getting a better provision

You say you’ve found a school, hopefully you’re in a position to fund it because you almost certainly will have a battle to get your LA to do so

Good luck

My niece is very autistic and goes to a specialist school (not in this country). She does not have the emotional outbursts you describe but is very dependant on my sister and her live in au pair. She has physical issues as well. She has learning difficulties. She was never in a mainstream school. She is thriving at the school she is in now, and it provides one on one therapy. Many children go in to their residential home once they hit adolescence, though I believe they will age out at 20.
I don't agree with mainstreaming kids at all costs. It just doesn't acknowledge that some children just do not think and process information like other children. Do you know of a school that could cater to his needs? Can you afford this? I would definitely explore this route.

I would be pushing for specialist but you will need to convince the LA his needs can't be met in mainstream too

Given that he is achieving average attainment despite all his challenges I'd be looking for a way he can do GCSEs. Some mainstreams near have a few places for young people from the asd special school to study 70% and another has an integrated resource, so lots of extra support. I'd be asking for something like that. It doesn't sound like he would thrive in full mainstream.

There are lots of specialist schools where pupils still sit exams. Definitely ask about that.

Sorry, OP. This must be very hard for you. You sound like you care a lot for your family. I think from what you've said, your child will find mainstream very challenging. In my experience, the transitions, busy timetable and independence expectations will be far too much for him to cope with and although some schools offer excellent SEN and transition support, this is not the norm sadly. They will wait until breakdown before addressing it and it might have already had a hugely negative impact on your son. Speak to your primary senco about local schools and their opinion. Good luck and stay strong. You often have to fight for SEN provision. Don't take the first answer.

Unfortunately, private school isn’t an option. I’m relying on the results of an assessment to work out what his needs are going to be . I feel confident I will win the appeal as there is quite a high success rate.

I’m very torn as I feel he needs specialist provision but I also worry that the specialist schools nearby are also not a good fit for him. I’m trying to talk to him about secondary and what it will entail but he just shuts me down and refuses to engage. I feel he is very very worried about it .

I have no idea but I would start by talking to the Senco at his new MS school. Ours never doubted that their school was the right place for a couple of kids I know, with and without EHCPs, one of whom was taught out of class for a year in early primary. The difference between MS primary and MS secondary is night and day for my child. It's early days but essentially he has moved from somewhere he couldn't cope, to somewhere he could. I'm not saying it's plain sailing, but he spends much more time not-at-the-end-of-his-tether so he has much more capacity for making decisions, planning etc. We see the actual child now, not just his fight or flight response. I think we got lucky with an amazing school though, and things could easily have gone very differently. It's scary how fragile it all is but it's amazing what he can do with the right people in his corner.

I think you need to meet with and talk to the school he has a place at. Realistically an ehcp is unlikely to be in place naming a specialist school by September so although I wouldn’t discount that I would be looking at making sure things are in place for where you are now.

Ds is in year 6 now, he has an ehcp which names full 1-1 and is a very complex child. However when looking at schools locally for us the only one that could meet all of his needs (hopefully!) was the local mainstream. Our main issue with looking at specialist is locally (as in within an hour) we have one specialist which offers GCSEs and that school wasn’t right for him in a lot of ways.

It’s so hard but I wokld keep options open

I plan to arrange a meeting with the secondary school SENCO to discuss transition but I don’t think this is going to be anywhere near enough.

My daughter has ASD and attended a mainstream Primary school with a ECHP by year 6 she was miserable. She could could manage the academic stuff with support but for everything else it was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, all being there did was highlight how different she felt which affected her emotionally.

I decided to send her to a special school for children with ASD for secondary and it is honestly the best decision I’ve ever made. She broadly follows the national curriculum and will be taking GSCEs but the support and being in an environment that welcomes her has made such a massive difference and means that she’s flourishing. I internally fought against the idea of her being in a special school as I was worried it would hold her back in some way but I only wish I’d done it earlier.

I have Asperger’s, but could run errands, play out alone for several hours, manage well in small groups, wash, dress myself, make toast, feed cats, and other things. A special school where he could take English and Math GSCEs as well as other qualifications would be best at this time. He needs less anxiety in his life; adolescents can be very mean. Right now, he needs to gain social and life skills most of all. He may be able to manage in a more mainstream setting later on.

I was at a small private mainstream school, and it wasn’t easy for me.

I'm retired from a career teaching in specialist schools, and yes, I would definitely recommend that you look into a place for him. I've seen children transformed when placed with us, and even parents who were originally anti special school placement have said they wished they'd done it years ago.

Specialist schools do tend to differ from LA to LA though. So you do need to look into what schools in your area offer. My daughter teaches in one in a different LA from where I work, and her school takes children from the full range, from profound difficulties to capable of taking GCSEs (in different class groups of course). My LA only provided specialist education to those who couldn't possibly be catered for within SEN units in mainstream schools.

In your position I would do everything in my power to get him into specialist provision. I’m currently doing teacher training and have been genuinely shocked at what life is truly like for children with SEN in mainstream school, even in schools that have fabulous reputations for inclusion and SEN support.
The special schools in my LA are difficult to get into, but have brilliant adult-child ratios and tailor their learning to their children, so young people who are able to do so do leave with qualifications.
As Pinksquash13 said, you do need to really fight, and I think it’s a draining battle, but best of luck with it.

Some of the NAS schools cater for children who will achieve academically but cannot cope in mainstream. Is this something you can look at? (Will depend on location, most are around London unfortunately).

@FancyPuffin he is absolutely miserable

He has hated school since reception and he is struggling enormously. I hate having to send him in hunched over and crying most days.

I faced the decision last year and we stuck to mainstream but one with strong SEN and pastoral support. Would I have not sent him to the local comp, not in a million years.

I drive me son to school and pick him up. It’s a massive pain but he can’t cope with the alternatives. School bus would be too noisy for him. Public transport I wouldn’t contemplate, he would not be able to cope if anything that went wrong plus he is vulnerable and naive.

My son can do amazing algebra and play wonderful music but he cannot make a sandwich without a huge amount of direction. He is slowly learning a few things in the kitchen and it’s a work in progress, very gentle encouragement and letting him lead the way.

During lockdown for PE session he often had to go for a walk, I live in a tiny village and it’s very safe but I had to go with him, even though it was in the middle of my working day.

I have a NT older child, you have to realign to your expectations and provide a lot of support for the autistic child . Will my son go to university definitely, will he leave home to go to university probably not.

The first term I packed his bag at night. This term I just check it’s correct, and to be honest I probably always will as he will panic at school if he has forgotten something. I sit with him to do all his homework. I don’t do it I just make sure he completes the work. Will I always have to do this - maybe but it’s working. Does it suck most of my free time when I am not working yes but I have no choice.

You need to find the right school that will take his SEN seriously and provide the right support. I would look at other schools now, even if it’s so you can move him if things don’t work out.

The very best of luck the right school can make such a difference.

Being realistic with the timescales for an EHCP means your son will be going to the school you have selected. IME the quality of the first draft of the EHCP will be very poor and the assessment hasn't started yet, keeping pushing for it as LEAs use lots of delaying tactics and will ignore the timeframe they are meant to adhere to. Probably better to not stress him with talk of secondary school yet.

In the meantime start looking at other schools and seeing where he will fit. Look at neighbouring LEA's and really do your homework. If you already have a named SALT, ask them to assess him ready for the EHCP report. Good luck.

Your DS sounds similar to mine.
My DS is in year 8 and we are in the process of trying to move him to a specialist independent school. His mainstream secondary have really tried their best but they can’t meet his needs. I wish I had done it for the start of secondary because now part of the battle is convincing DS that the new school is right for him and it’s not normal to struggle in every lesson.

My friend picked a mainstream secondary school for her ASD daughter, but it had an autism unit within the school that was like a protective unit/bubble, and they worked on getting the children in class but had the fall back of smaller class sizes and 1-2-1 TAs. You need an EHCP so keep pushing with that, happy to link to the school she chose (it's in the north so probably not relevant) but it allows the best of both worlds and could show you the type of provision some schools can provide as an example.