AIBU?
DH falling asleep on date nights?
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:08
I would be grateful if some of you would gently (I've just been diagnosed with depression) tell me if I am being unreasonable. For the last few weeks, DH and I have planned a Friday night date night but each time, we have a meal, sit down for a cuddle and then DH either falls asleep or announces he is off to bed (in a very matter of fact way, not a suggestive 'come to bed with me' way). Then as soon as his head hits the pillow he's asleep, around 10.30. We haven't DTD for two weeks when it's usually at least twice a week.
I understand he works hard, but I can't help but feel rejected that he can't be bothered to stay awake for quality time just once a week. With my depression at the moment I rarely get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, whereas he gets 8 hrs uninterrupted. I'm tired, but I value the time with my DH more.
I tried to explain respectfully that it upsets me when he falls asleep so early on a date night but then he turned his back to me and mumbled sleepily that I always complain about everything and so he doesn't care anymore. He's gone to sleep now but I feel so upset as he knows I have been recently diagnosed with depression and have really been struggling to be optimistic.
AIBU to feel he should be making an effort for intimacy (eg. chatting or massage or sex) together on a Friday night or should I just accept that I'm obviously not very good company at the moment and leave him to it?
Am I being unreasonable?
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SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2021 00:12
I think it's a lot of pressure to put it all on one night.
What is your routine like the rest of the week? Do you have children? Are they sleeping through?
O think you do need to talk but not in bed at night when he's trying to sleep. Sit down of you can in the day when you won't be intercepted, away from the bedroom and talk to him
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:21
Hi sleepingstandingup. Yes, we have 4DH. The youngest two are 6 and 8 and both have SEN and are home schooled. DS8 will talk and ask questions all day in a rapid stream, which leaves little opportunity for us to talk in the day, despite DH working from home. We reserve 2 evenings a week for time with teens as the younger ones need a lot of attention during the day. We have one family night, then three left over, but with me doing a masters and DH running a business, we have found we need to schedule an evening where the kids all understand not to interrupt and let us have the living room and dining room etc.
SleepingStandingUp · 27/03/2021 00:25
What time do you normally go to bed? Together?
I guess you'll have to start the chat at the beginning of next Friday's date night because obv you do need to talk, but of you're literally only connecting and talking one night at week, it's not a suprise that things are tense. I think putting the expectation on those few hours that you'll talk, sort all your issues, have fun and sex is a lot for you both.
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:28
Fortunesfave thank you. I hope that is all it is, but then I am knackered too. I do all the home ed on my own, it is very full on, but I feel that is all the more reason why we need to have adult time to avoid us drifting apart under the weight of it all.
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:32
Yes sleepingstandingup, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Just don't really know how to change it. DH generally goes to bed 10.30 maybe 11. About half the time I come to bed at the same time and usually read a book for a while if I can't sleep. But he closes his eyes and rolls over and he's asleep pretty much straight away.
Shnuffles · 27/03/2021 00:37
If there's just not time or energy enough on "date night", I'd prioritise what I want and express my wishes very clearly and concisely. "I'd like a massage tonight, please." Or, "It's been a while... Let's go to bed right away tonight for some alone-time." Squeeze in the "main attraction" that you're needing most at the moment and let the other things fall by the wayside for that week. If you have one goal per "date night", it should be achievable, as long as he's also willing. Not as nice as a whole long evening of connection and romance, but a little is better than nothing.
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:40
TBH what is really unsettling me is his comment about me always complaining. I worry he is using his early nights to avoid engaging with me as he always used to be cuddly and affectionate and would often tell me how he was looking forward to Friday night until these last few weeks.
Lancrelady80 · 27/03/2021 00:48
Oh might be tired, but he does need to make some sort of an effort. OP said she's depressed and should she accept that she's just not great company at the moment? Well, oh constantly falling asleep on her isn't exactly going to help her depression. "You're such scintillating company that I just can't stay awake, let alone get interested in dtd." When your partner is like this, even with every reason under the sun and nothing else going on, it hammers your sense of self-worth and undermines your relationship at the same time.
OP, have you tried practical things like asking him to get checked out for any underlying medical reasons for the tiredness? Low iron or whatever?
Wishing you well.
PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:55
Lancerelady89 thank you so much. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. I will suggest medical route if it continues.
Sleepingstandingup I m not sleeping due to the depression, it's a very common symptom GP says. Waiting for the antidepressants to kick in which will hopefully help. DH is great and will always give me a lie in on a Saturday and helps with anything I ask, dinner, bedtime, bath time etc. Absolutely no complaints there.
redtshirt50 · 27/03/2021 00:57
I don't think it's fair for you to compare how much sleep you get with how much he gets - it's not a competition. He's clearly exhausted. It's not like he's going to bed and playing on his phone which would be a much bigger problem.
I for one love and NEED my sleep, I'm very grumpy without it. Whereas my DP doesn't seem to need that much. If he said 'well I can survive on 6 hours a night so should you' I would be very annoyed and defiantly not up for a date night.
I also think you need to stop putting so much pressure on one night. Everyone goes through rough patches where sex may become less frequent. That's just life.
You're both really busy, having 4 kids is difficult and it sounds like you've both hit a bit of a wall and are experiencing burnout. Work through it together without putting too much pressure on each other and you'll come out stronger on the other side. Listen to each other's needs.
You say you've been recently diagnosed with depression, have you had a conversation about how this is affecting him and making him feel as well as you? It's tough for both parties.
Also - if you want to DTD are you initiating it? Or waiting for him to do so and then being put out when he doesn't. He sounds like he's making an effort with the dinner. I agree with the PP who said just try to enjoy the time you do have together without expecting too much.
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