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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH falling asleep on date nights?

88 replies

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 00:08

I would be grateful if some of you would gently (I've just been diagnosed with depression) tell me if I am being unreasonable. For the last few weeks, DH and I have planned a Friday night date night but each time, we have a meal, sit down for a cuddle and then DH either falls asleep or announces he is off to bed (in a very matter of fact way, not a suggestive 'come to bed with me' way). Then as soon as his head hits the pillow he's asleep, around 10.30. We haven't DTD for two weeks when it's usually at least twice a week.

I understand he works hard, but I can't help but feel rejected that he can't be bothered to stay awake for quality time just once a week. With my depression at the moment I rarely get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, whereas he gets 8 hrs uninterrupted. I'm tired, but I value the time with my DH more.

I tried to explain respectfully that it upsets me when he falls asleep so early on a date night but then he turned his back to me and mumbled sleepily that I always complain about everything and so he doesn't care anymore. He's gone to sleep now but I feel so upset as he knows I have been recently diagnosed with depression and have really been struggling to be optimistic.

AIBU to feel he should be making an effort for intimacy (eg. chatting or massage or sex) together on a Friday night or should I just accept that I'm obviously not very good company at the moment and leave him to it?

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 01:12

Redshirt50. No, I'm not expecting him to manage on the same sleep as me, it's not a competition and I've never used this against him. The only reason I mentioned it here was to explain that although I myself am tired, I am still trying at least to set aside the time. He wakes refreshed and doesn't complain of tiredness, but you're right, only he knows how he is physically feeling.

You mentioned whether we have talked about how my diagnosis has affected him, which we have. I think that is why the flippant 'always complaining' comment hurt so much, because he has been depressed in the past and I thought he understood. Having supported him in the past I am very mindful that it would be hard on him too.

For me it is not about sex, I'm not initiating as I'm scared of rejection but not expecting him to initiate either. I meant that the change of frequency is a symptom of the lack of intimacy overall.

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 01:16

Hi redshirt, thanks for your questions. No, hes not needing to be up particularly early. Younger DC play in their room til 8.30/9.00 on a Saturday.

OP posts:

Ginger89 · 27/03/2021 01:16

I know you can’t help the way you feel with reguards to your recent depression and it’s great that you’re seeking help with that but I must say it’s so so draining for the other person too, his comment about you complaining, he probably didn’t mean to be so snappy but my partner is CONSTANTLY complaining and although I love him & want to support him sometimes I feel like screaming and it’s so tiring, maybe focus on him and his feelings one particular night rather than a date night for the both of you if that makes sense?

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 01:18

We start the date night at around 8pm once kids are upstairs, dog walked etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 01:24

Hi Ginger89. not sure if we crossed posts about DH having been depressed in the past, but having been in his position as the supporter for many years earlier in our marriage i had hoped he'd understand. But yes, I think we maybe need some space and try something low key again in a few weeks.

OP posts:

Hopdathelf · 27/03/2021 07:35

Sounds like you both have an awful lot going on and could do with less on your plates. I did a bit of an eye roll when you mentioned the dog as well.

RunnerDuck2020 · 27/03/2021 08:34

Could he be depressed as well? It sounds like you both have a lot to deal with at the moment. Like others, I’m always knackered on Friday nights at the best of times so would tend to go for Saturday for a date night.

Rowgtfc72 · 27/03/2021 08:45

OP I'm like your DH. I'm out cold by 9pm most nights. We take our moments on the rare occasion I'm awake!
We've learnt, if we need to talk, or just spend quality time with each other it has to be in daylight hours.
I do worry dh thinks I'm not making an effort but we've talked about it.
Communication is key otherwise you'll both start imagining all sorts.

Tinydinosaur · 27/03/2021 08:52

It's rare DH and I stay up past 10.30/11ish. We work, we're tired. I'd be very annoyed if DH complained that I fell asleep.

Hankunamatata · 27/03/2021 08:53

After week at work the last the I'd want to do on a Friday night is date night. Me and dh usually crash into bed by 10.

Hankunamatata · 27/03/2021 08:55

And if you woke me while I was going to sleep then I probably would have said the same as I want you to leave me alone so I can sleep!

Inthefuture · 27/03/2021 08:57

Well your lives are very busy, I’m not surprised he’s knackered.

When I read your title I assumed you were a young child free couple and he was falling asleep when you went out. Not 4 dc, a dog, work, home schooling, studying....

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/03/2021 09:06

It all just sounds so relentless, I want to lie down and go to sleep just thinking about your weekly schedule. It's great that you can do all that and still a want to have exciting evenings with your DH at the end of it, but if I was either one of you my wish would be for sleep and time alone, with nobody wanting anything from me, and nothing booked into a calendar.

I wonder if date night has become an added burden to him, because of the expectation? If you were previously having sex twice a week and now you aren't, it doesn't seem to be working as planned.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/03/2021 09:11

I feel tired just reading this.

I’m in bed by 10 every night😴

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 09:16

Thanks everyone, you're probably right. It is a lot when you look at it from the outside. I just can't bear the thought of drifting apart and letting life get in the way. I just don't want to be one of those couples who get so consumed with family life that when the kids are older they realise there is nothing much left holding them together. DH and I have always been great friends and I just miss him I guess.

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 27/03/2021 09:18

I think your expectations are very high, 4 dcs, full time hard job for him, sole earner maybe...date night is probably the only time he relaxes and so falls asleep. He also helps a lot so not a lot of downtime.

Cut him some slack, hug him a lot, and as others have said schedule some daytime time out.

Ninkanink · 27/03/2021 09:20

We used to do Monday nights. I’d suggest you flip it because after the week working he’s probably just psychologically switching off because he’s finally done for the week!

2Rebecca · 27/03/2021 09:26

Is alcohol involved? We are both more sleepy after alcohol. I feel more aroused when sober. Also I think the idea of date night is a bit pressurising. We have more morning sex but don't have lots of small kids and a dog which tend to stuff up leisurely mornings on a weekend

Original poster

PurplePeach83 · 27/03/2021 09:28

Hi 2Rebecca. Only a glass or two wine with our meal. Yes, mornings are no go for us atm.

OP posts:

kereh · 27/03/2021 09:30

So you start date night at 8pm and he's asleep for 10:30pm is that right?

That's 2.5 hours, why isn't that enough time?

EyeDrops · 27/03/2021 09:31

Do both of you show much affection/intimacy outside of date nights? I ask because I've had a cripplingly low sex drive since DC - its a long issue - but I'm much better if I make an effort to build up the little things. Like a proper kiss on the way out, a cheeky bum squeeze walking past in the kitchen, showing that appreciation in little moments. Making an effort in those ways, however small, mean I'm much more likely to feel intimate and fancy having sex too.
I feel for you both, it sounds exhausting! Also, has the falling asleep like this only started recently? You mentioned the last few weeks - that would make me wonder if it's medical too.

Babysharkdododont · 27/03/2021 09:33

If my DP was demanding massages and sex on a specific night every week my fanny would by drier than the Sahara.
Everyone is knackered and bored and fed up. Allow a bit of spontaneously evolved sex, give him a break.
If roles were reversed and a man was demanding that his wife devoted Friday night to sex and massage he'd be called all sorts

sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/03/2021 09:40

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to crash into bed at 10.30pm on a Friday night. I was in bed by 9pm last night

From the outside, your life sounds exhausting. Four children - two with SEN, home-schooling, a dog, DH working (presumably full-time as the sole earner) - I'm not surprised he's in bed asleep by 10.30pm.

RandomMess · 27/03/2021 09:46

Perhaps he should go to the GP, I would be getting his vitamin D level checked for a start.

GalleryGirl · 27/03/2021 09:49

I wouldn't describe 10.30pm as an early night. Surely that's a normal bedtime?

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